[Disclaimer read by Nail]
[Please keep these captions clean for deaf / HoH viewers. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
PICCOLO: Hurgh... what was that idiot *doing* bringing me here?
It's...
It's... wait a minute...
It's... wait a minute... I can feel it...
This is my home!
I can finally see its beauty:
The lush blue fields,
The lush blue fields, the crystal clear waters,
The lush blue fields, the crystal clear waters, the wind brushing past my...
GOD, THIS IS BORING!
Huh... no wonder I feel at home.
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
FREEZA: Well, Vegeta - you've finally pulled it off. You've managed to dash my hopes entirely.
With some help, I see.
KRILLIN: Quack!
GOHAN: Krillin, seriously not helping!
KRILLIN: I can try!
FREEZA: I'm very curious - where exactly are you from?
KRILLIN: We're from Ea--! GOHAN: Krillin, no!
KRILLIN: Oh, right. Thanks for stopping me Gohan, 'cause I can't shut--
DENDE: They're from Earth.
KRILLIN: Little Green! Why?!
DENDE: Because my name is Dende.
FREEZA: Oh good! I'll stop by there on the way home.
Pick up some space eggs, some space milk, and
BLOW IT THE F**K UP!!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit
ABSOLUTELY LIVID.
VEGETA: Oh Freeza, quit being such a woman.
I lost my chance at immortality too and you don't see me crying about it.
FREEZA: Yes Vegeta, but you see, the difference between us is
I'll live long enough to regret it.
HIYAAAAGH!!
PICCOLO: 'Hurgh... everything looks the goddamn same on this GOD DAMN PLANET.'
'Wait a minute - a body!'
SOCIAL ACTIVITY!!
Please tell me you're not dead.
NAIL [speaking Klingon (Namekian)]: Kill...
NAIL [speaking Klingon (Namekian)]: Kill... that...
NAIL [speaking Klingon (Namekian)]: Kill... that... douche...
PICCOLO: Ah crap, I find the only living thing for miles and he's so broken he can't even talk right.
NAIL: I was speaking Namekian, you idiot. Don't you know anything about your own people?
PICCOLO: Well, we're demons, right?
NAIL: Eh, more like slug people.
PICCOLO: Ah, dammit!
I liked it better when I was a demon.
NAIL: And I liked it better when I had proper bladder control. Nobody's perfect.
PICCOLO: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that; what happened?
NAIL: Let's just say our world elder's kind of a giant green asshole.
PICCOLO: Preaching to the choir on that one.
Well, its been fun, but I have to go *die* again.
NAIL: Wait! I *might* be able to help you.
PICCOLO: Look buddy, if you wanna add me on MySpace, I switched to Spacebook a while ago.
NAIL: No no, no no, listen. I think I know something that might work out for both of us.
I don't wanna die, and you seem pretty lonely.
PICCOLO: DESPERATEL-- I mean go on.
NAIL: There's a special ability our people share, forbidden, even amongst our most sacred clans.
PICCOLO: And we're just going to abuse it?
NAIL: Ooh, maliciously!
PICCOLO: Bitchin'! How do we do?
NAIL: Well - first you put your hand upon me.
PICCOLO: 'K...
NAIL: Yes. Like that.
Now lower.
PICCOLO: Uh-huh...
NAIL: Lower.
PICCOLO [off-screen]: Hm....
NAIL: Little lower.
PICCOLO: Hmm...
NAIL: Ahh, if we had junk, you'd be gay right now.
PICCOLO: Hurrgh!
NAIL: Fusing!
[Dramatic music]
♫
PICCOLO: Wow...
PICCOLO: Wow... unreal...
PICCOLO: Wow... unreal... my gosh...
THIS IS AMAZING!
THIS IS AMAZING! I FEEL INCREDIBLE!
YES. YES.
YES. YES. YES! YES!
I CAN WIN!
I CAN WIN! I FEEL GREAT!
I CAN WIN! I FEEL GREAT! I! CAN!
I CAN WIN! I FEEL GREAT! I! CAN! DO! THIS!
I CAN WIN! I FEEL GREAT! I! CAN! DO! THIS! AAAAAGH!
NAIL [in Piccolo's head henceforth]: 'What are you doing?' PICCOLO: I-uhh-uhh... nothing.
NAIL: '*Really*? 'Cause it looked like you were chanting to yourself.'
PICCOLO: Are you in my head?
NAIL: 'Yup. Don't worry - supposedly I should fade away into your subconscious...'
'sooner or later.'
PICCOLO: OK. So, what now?
NAIL: 'By my estimate, this fusion should have given you just enough power to wipe out the *bastard* who killed our people.'
PICCOLO: And?
NAIL: 'Well, let me put this in terms you'll understand:'
'YOU CAN WIN!'
'YOU CAN WIN! YOU FEEL GREAT!'
'YOU CAN WIN! YOU FEEL GREAT! YOU!'
'YOU CAN WIN! YOU FEEL GREAT! YOU! CAN!'
'YOU CAN WIN! YOU FEEL GREAT! YOU! CAN! DO!'
'YOU CAN WIN! YOU FEEL GREAT! YOU! CAN! DO! THIS!'
PICCOLO [sarcastic]: OH HA HA!
[Simultaneous grunting]
FREEZA: *Impudent*... *little*...!
Guh!
FREEZA: I'm impressed, Vegeta! When did you graduate from pull-ups?
VEGETA: 'Bout the same time you got off the rag.
FREEZA: Cute. But bear no false hope, Vegeta. You're a mere paper tiger in front of a storm.
You have no idea what true power I possess.
VEGETA: It's that you can transform, right?
FREEZA: I CAN TRANSFORM--!
...
OK; when and how?
VEGETA: Guldo told me.
[Flashback]
GULDO: So...
Did you know that Freeza can transform?
VEGETA: Huh. That right?
GULDO: Yeah. And Burter's gay.
VEGETA: *Really*?
[Flashback ends]
And then I threw a dog treat at him. True story.
FREEZA: Right... but if you are so aware, why do you persist in goading me?
VEGETA: Because Freeza, you're not dealing with the average Saiyan warrior anymore.
I... am a SUPER SAIYAN!
FREEZA: Oh, here we go...!
VEGETA: That's right, Freeza. I've risen beyond the limits of a normal Saiyan and into the realm of legend...
the legend that you fear... the legend, known throughout the entire Universe, as the most powerful warrior to ever exist!
VEGETA: I,
VEGETA: I, Prince Vegeta, FREEZA: "Vegeta,"
VEGETA: I, Prince Vegeta, have become FREEZA: "Vegeta, have become"
VEGETA: I, Prince Vegeta, have become a Super Saiyan! FREEZA: "Vegeta, have become a Super Saiyan",
FREEZA: blah blah blah blah, I get it!
Then you slayed the Jabberwocky and went on to save Narnia.
VEGETA: Go ahead and mock me Freeza, but I'm not afraid of you.
So why don't you doll yourself up and get ready for a night on the town,
because I'm about to take you to a ballroom blitz.
FREEZA: Fine, I'll indulge you Mr. "Super Saiyan", but before I do I have a funny little story I'd like to tell you.
VEGETA: Funny how?
FREEZA: I like to call it "I Killed Your Dad".
VEGETA [deadpan]: So "haha" funny.
[Flashback] FREEZA: You see, thanks to a rogue lower-class warrior,
[Flashback] your father caught wind of my plans.
BUTAREGA: King Vegeta, I have urgent news!
KING VEGETA: Speak, Butarega!
BUTAREGA: Bardock has gone absolutely *mad*, sire!
BARDOCK [o-s, muffled]: FREEZAAAA!
KING VEGETA: What's all the commotion about?
BUTAREGA: He's been telling everyone that Freeza plans to destroy Vegeta!
KING VEGETA: Wait - my son, the planet or me?
BUTAREGA: ...yes.
DORRAAAAGGGH!
KING VEGETA: Freakin' smartass.
Councillor Nappa, what do you think?
COUNCILLOR NAPPA: Let me tell you what you need to do:
COUNCILLOR NAPPA: You need to sit him down, KING VEGETA: Uh huh...
COUNCILLOR NAPPA: you look him dead in the eye, KING VEGETA: ...yes...
COUNCILLOR NAPPA: and you say:
"Don't blow up my planet."
KING VEGETA: ...and you think that'll work?
COUNCILLOR NAPPA: He'd have to be awwwfully evil if it didn't.
And I'm not gonna lie...
I like the cut of his jib.
KING VEGETA: Alright. But I want you to take my son, the Prince, off-planet just in case things go south.
COUNCILLOR NAPPA: Don't worry sir, you'll do juuust fine.
KING VEGETA: Freeza, can I sit down and have a word--?
FREEZA: SHORYUKEN!
KING VEGETA [echo]: GWRRAAUGH...!
STREET FIGHTER ANNOUNCER: KO! YOU WIN!
FREEZA: Ya-tta.
[Flashback ends] And then I blew the planet up. The End!
VEGETA: How did you know about the parts you weren't there for?
FREEZA: HIYAAAAAAAAAAH...!
VEGETA [terrified]: Aah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-a...! FREEZA: HIYAAAAAAAAAAH...!
GOHAN [o-s]: Krillin! Do you feel that?
KRILLIN [o-s]: I *TASTE* THAT!
FREEZA (now with a deeper voice): All done. And judging by the expression on your face,
so are you.
VEGETA: What? *How*?
FREEZA: Let's be practical and put a number to that feeling, shall we? Last time I clocked this form, it was at:
*One Million*.
VEGETA: You're lying!
FREEZA: Am I? Am I really?
{BAM}
{TCHING}
VEGETA [o-s]: Not impressed! I can do that too!
GOHAN: Krillin! Are you OK?
KRILLIN: Yeah! And I've got Little Green right here.
[♫ A dark parody of "My Favorite Things" ♫]
FREEZA: ♫ Peaceful young races with fires on their houses ♫
♫ Millions of voices all silenced like mouses ♫
♫ Watching the cowards bow toward their new king ♫
♫ These are a few of my favorite things ♫
KRILLIN: Is it just me, or is he singing to himself?
FREEZA: HIIROOOAAAGGH!
KRILLIN: GAAH-AA-AACK!
GOHAN: KRILLIIIIN!
VEGETA: 'Well, he's dead.'
KRILLIN [through gritted teeth]: This...!
KRILLIN [through gritted teeth]: This...! Jis...!
KRILLIN [through gritted teeth]: This...! Jis...! *The worst*...!
KRILLIN [through gritted teeth]: This...! Jis...! *The worst*...! PAI-AI-AI-AIN!!
FREEZA: Really?
[Krillin continues to cry out in pain] Sure it isn't THIS?
[Krillin continues to cry out in pain] Sure it isn't THIS? Or THIS?
[Krillin continues to cry out in pain] Sure it isn't THIS? Or THIS? Or THIS?
[Krillin continues to cry out in pain] Sure it isn't THIS? Or THIS? Or THIS? Or THIS?
[Krillin continues to cry out in pain] Sure it isn't THIS? Or THIS? Or THIS? Or THIS? Or THIS?
[Krillin continues to cry out in pain] [♪ Super Mario Bros. - 1-UP Mushroom SFX ♪]
GOHAN: Krillin, stop! You're making him stronger!
KRILLIN [gurgling]: I!
KRILLIN [gurgling]: I! Can't!
KRILLIN [gurgling]: I! Can't! Help!
KRILLIN [gurgling]: I! Can't! Help! It!!
FREEZA: One down...
Ah, I think impalement is my favorite way to kill a person.
GOHAN: You...
GOHAN: You... condescending...
GOHAN: You... condescending... sadistic...
GOHAN: You... condescending... sadistic... *callous*...
MOTHERF**KER!!
FREEZA: Pardon--?
BUWHOA!
BUWHOA! OOF!
BUWHOA! OOF! D'hoagh!
[Etc...]
GOHAN: GOHAN SMASHED EFFEMINATE ALIEN! GOHAN STRONGEST THERE IS!
{DOOOOM}
VEGETA: Yeah! How's that feel, Freeza?! Now if you can, why don't ya pick ya sorry ass up, and take on a *real* Saiya--?!
an-na-na-na-na-naa...
FREEZA: Huh... that happened.
Vegeta, mind sitting right there for just a moment? I need to go play babysitter.
GOHAN: 'Uh, think! What would Dad do in this situation?'
[Flashback]
GOKU: Bye, son!
[Flashback ends]
GOHAN: 'I'm beginning to think I have issues.'
AAAHEHHuh! Ohh...
[More strangled cries of pain]
FREEZA: So Vegeta, does this get you an-gry?
VEGETA: Not really; kind of a smartass.
FREEZA: Well then, why am I even bothering?
VEGETA: Because you get off on it?
FREEZA: Oh, unbelievably!
GOHAN: Uhh! FREEZA: Oh, unbelievably!
FREEZA: Huh?
Alright, who has the balls?!
KRILLIN: Kiss my ass bitch! I'm immortal!
FREEZA: (Growling)
KRILLIN: WOO, HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! SUUCK MYY DIIIIIIIIIIII--!
VEGETA: 'How the hell did he get up?! Oh my God, I swear if he used that wish of immortality *on himself*,'
'I AM GOING TO MURDER--!'
...
...*that*...
...*that*... *bastard*!
DENDE: Come on, you can't leave me alone here; you're the only one I can talk to!
GOHAN: I... you... healed me.
DENDE: You are the only one I respect.
GOHAN: Then why did you heal Krillin?
DENDE: The better question is: Why did I tell him he was immortal?
KRILLIN: Holy crap! Thank God I'm immortal!
DENDE [o-s]: Actually I healed you, you idiot!
KRILLIN: Wait... so I could've *died* back there?
VEGETA: Yeah; and unlike the runt and I, you don't get a power boost from it.
KRILLIN [indignant]: Hax! I call hax!
GOHAN: How *did* you escape?
KRILLIN: Oh, it was awesome! See, he was gaining on me there for a minute,
but then I managed to lose him in some crevices, but he kept cutting me off at every pass!
VEGETA [surprised]: He didn't just blow it up?
KRILLIN: I thought the same thing, but no! So I thought fast and used the
Solar Flare on him!
GOHAN [hopeful]: And then you used your Kienzan to cut him in half?
KRILLIN: Uhhhm...
FREEZA: I WILL MOUNT YOUR HEAD WHERE MY TAIL USED TO BE!!
KRILLIN: To answer your question, Gohan: No, I did not do that.
VEGETA: DUST THIS BITCH!
KRILLIN [o-s]: Did we get him?!
GOHAN [o-s]: Krillin, we can feel his energy. Why do you bother asking?
KRILLIN [o-s]: I'm an optimist.
VEGETA [o-s]: You're an idiot.
FREEZA: You're both wrong. You're dead.
GOHAN: Y'know what? I'm sick of this!
If I'm gonna die, then I'm gonna go out the same way Piccolo would!
KRILLIN: GOHAN, NO!
VEGETA: NO, GODDAMMIT!
GOHAN: Uhh!
KRILLIN: Uh!
VEGETA: Urgh!
GOHAN: M...
GOHAN: M...Mr. Piccolo!
FREEZA: Well, well, well! I'm legitimately surprised I missed one of you.
But that's just fine, because I've been working on some jokes. Now tell me if you've heard this one:
How many Namekians does it take to--?
D'HOAAR!
PICCOLO: Just one.
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ intermission) ♫]
[♫ "Super Mario Bros." original theme ♫]