♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AGAIN, THESE ARE ACTUAL RESULTS THAT WE RECEIVED,
THANKS TO ADVANCE ED THANKS TO
ADVANCED COMPUTER MODELING AND THE OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM.
WHAT DO WE HAVE FIRST, MARYLAND?
LET'S START IN MARYLAND, WHERE CBS PROJECTS THAT JOE BIDEN HAS
DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP.
( AS TRUMP )
IN COMMON!
WE'RE BOTH KNOWN FOR GIVING PEOPLE CRABS!"
WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT VERMONT HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
THE TICKET WAS GIVEN A HUGE BOOST, THANKS TO BEN & JERRY'S
NEW FLAVOR: FORMER ICE PRETZEL-MINT
CUP-OF-JOE BITE-IN AND CALI-FUDGIA SENA-PEANUTBU-TOR
KAMALANANNA HARR-REECES-PIECES.
I HAVE TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT JOKE.
THERE'S MORE?
MOVING ON, WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT DELAWARE HAS BEEN
WON BY JOE BIDEN.
WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.
IT'S HIS HOME STATE.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP LOSING NEW YORK.
HE WHAT?
THAT'S GOTTA STING.
WELL, AS I JUST PRETENDED TO HEAR FROM OFF CAMERA: NEW YORK
STATE AND ITS WHOPPING 29 ELECTORAL VOTES HAS JUST BEEN
CALLED FOR VICE PRESIDENT JOSEPH R. BIDEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU'RE NOT
DONALD TRUMP.
FURTHER SOUTH, THE NUMBER CALLERS HAVE CALLED THE NUMBERS,
AND IT LOOKS LIKE KENTUCKY HAS GONE FOR DONALD TRUMP.
AND, OH, OF OH, LOOK!
MITCH McCONNELL IS SO PROUD, HE'S INFLATING HIS WATTLE!
OH, AN AGGRESSIVE MATING GESTURE.
WATCH OUT, LADIES.
NO SURPRISE, DONALD TRUMP HAS WON TENNESSEE, WHICH HAS AN
ACTUAL STATE GUN, THE BARRETT .50-CALIBER M82, WHICH I'M BEING
TOLD HAS ALSO WON ITS SENATE SEAT.
AND A LITTLE FURTHER WEST, OR NORTH-- I'M NOT SURE--
INDIANA HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
WELL, OF COURSE, IT WAS EITHER VOTE FOR HIM, OR TAKE MIKE PENCE
BACK.
THAT WAS AN EASY CALL.
AND FOR ANY OKIES WONDERING HOW YOUR PAN IS BEING HANDLED, I CAN
NOW CONDFIDENTALY REPORT THAT THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA IS BEING
CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW THE SONG GOES:
( TO THE TUNE OF "OKLAHOMA" )
CARE TRUMP KILLED HERMAN CAIN ♪ HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?
DID YOU GET SOME MORE WINE?
WITH WE GET HER SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?
THAT'S NOT A JOKE.
THE WOMAN NEEDS TO STAY-- WHATEVER THAT STATE SHE'S IN
RIGHT NOW.
SPEAKING OF STATES ANOTHER STATE HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECIDED.
SOUTH DAKOTA IS BEING CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE IN THE STATE ARE REACTING,
AAAND...
>> AND OH NO!
>> ( BLEEP )!
>> Stephen: OKAY.
BACK EAST I'M GETTING-- IS THIS TRUE?
I AM GETTING BREAKING RESULTS FROM TWO HOURS AGO THAT NEW
JERSEY HAS BEEN CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
AFTER ALL, THE FIRST-EVER BASEBALL GAME WAS PLAYED IN NEW
JERSEY IN 1846, AND JOE BIDEN WAS THERE.
YEP, STILL GONNA DO THESE JOKES, SIR!
AND I AM ALSO GETTING RESULTS IN FROM THE NATIONS MOST
MASSACHUSETTS-Y STATE, MASSACHUSETTS.
WE ARE READY TO PROJECT THAT IT HAS GONE FOR JOE BIDEN.
BIDEN WON THE HEARTS OF BOSTONIANS WITH HIS
MESSAGE OF TELLING A GUY FROM NEW YORK TO SHUT THE HELL UP.
OF COURSE, ALL DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON RESULTS FROM OUR
COUNTRY'S MOST RECTANGULAR STATE, COLORADO.
AND WE GOT THEM.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE JOE BIDEN HAS JUST WON COLORADO!
HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT: COLORADO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF
VOTING BY MAIL.
IN THIS YEAR'S STATE PRIMARIES, 99.3% OF VOTERS USED MAIL-IN
BALLOTS.
THE REMAINING .7% COULDN'T, BECAUSE THEY AHD TURNED THEIR
MAILBOX INTO A BONG.
THERE'S MORE.
HERE WE GO.
MISSOURI.
I'M PRETENDING THIS NEWS HAS JUST BEEN HANDED TO ME.
MISSOURI HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
APPARENTLY THE SHOW ME STATE LIKES THE GUY WHO'S ENTIRE SHOW
IS ME.
THIS ONE-- THIS ONE I DID NOT EXPECT RIGHT AWAY.
THIS HAS GOT TO COME AS A SHOCKER TO EVERYONE IN A COMA.
JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE GOLDEN STATE, CALIFORNIA
WITH CALIFORNIA, BECAUSE OF HOW THE VOTES ARE TALLIED, WE MAY
NOT KNOW THE OFFICIAL RESULTS FOR QUITE A WHILE.
SO WITH ZERO PERCENT REPORTING-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- WITH ZERO
PERCENT REPORTING BECAUSE, COME ON, IT'S CALIFORNIA.
AND THIS ISN'T THE NEWS, OKAY.
IS THAT IT?
CAN I MOVE ON TO OTHER JOKES?
HAVE THESE COMPOSTED.
FOLKS IF YOU WATCH ELECTION COVERAGE-- AND SPIRAL, YOU ARE
RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THE NEWS NETWORKS ALWAYS HAVE A PANEL OF
EXPERTS TO HELP THEM BREAK DOWN THE BREAKING NEWS.
AND, IN CNN'S CASE-- SO THAT THE DIRECTOR HAS SOMETHING TO CUT TO
WHEN JOHN KING GETS A LITTLE TOO HANDSY WITH HIS TOUCH SCREEN
ELECTIONS CAN BE LONELY.
NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO PANELS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE QUALITY,
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS QUANTITY.
CNN KNOWS THAT.
BACK IN 2016, THEY HAD NO LESS THAN NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE
WEIGHING IN ON THE RESULTS-- MEANING THEY HAD MORE PEOPLE
DISCUSSING THE VOTERS OF WYOMING THAN THERE ARE VOTERS IN
WYOMING.
WELL, I WILL NOT SIT HERE TO BE OUT-QUANTITIED BY CNN.
SO, TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TO INTRODUCE OUR NEW SEGMENT:
STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHOWTIME 2020 ELECTION SPECIAL THE MOST
ELECTION NIGHT PANEL EVER.
WITH ME TO HELP ARE THE BIGGEST NAMES IN THE BIZ.
FIRST UP FROM CBS NEWS, MY OLD PAL, JOHN DICKERSON.
>> I'M HONORED AND CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: RIGHT YOU ARE.
HERE TO GIVE US THE INSIDER PERSPECTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO RAN
FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR, JOHN
HICKENLOOPER.
>> ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, I'M MICHAEL BENNETT, THE COLORADO
SENATOR.
>> Stephen: NICE TRY, HICKEN LOOPER.
WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO BOOK A MICHAEL BENNETT.
THAT DUDE IS A ROCK STAR.
WE HAVE JAMES CARVILLE LIVE FROM THE 1993 DOCUMENTARY "THE WAR
ROOM."
>> IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.
>> Stephen: DON'T CALL ME STUPID, YOU CAJUN MOLE RAT.
NEXT WE HAVE ANDREW YANG WHO RAN ON THE SLOGAN, MATH, HOW ARE THE
NUMBERS LOOKING TONIGHT, ANDREW?
>> THE NUMBERS ARE LOOKING GREAT TONIGHT, STEPHEN.
THREE AND FIVE ARE SO VISUALLY APPEALING.
11 HAS PERFECT SYMMETRY YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE.
THESE NUMBERS LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
NOW, FOR A SCIENTIFIC PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE
ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.
>> TONIGHT, I PREDICT THE UNIVERSITY WILL DIE OF HEAT
DEATH, 10 TO THE POWER OF 100 YEARS.
>> Stephen: WELL, I BELIEVE OHIO MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
ABOUT THAT.
AND TO DISCUSS HOW COVID MIGHT BE AFFECTING THE RACE, WE WANTED
A DOCTOR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DR. JAY.
>> I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: AND I'M NOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER.
LET'S STAY IN OUR LANES, JAY.
NEXT CALLER.
FOR AN INTERNATIONAL PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE FORMER
SECRETARY OF STATE MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.
>> WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES!
I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE PANCAKES!
>> Stephen: WE'RE FAXING THEM TO YOU NOW MADAM SECRETARY.
NEXT, WE HAVE A USED SKI-DOO SALESMAN ON METH.
>> ARE YOU I A COP?
YOU HAVE TO SHARE YOUR METH WITH ME IF YOU'RE A COP.
>> Stephen: WE ARE LUCKY TO BE JOINED BY ONE OF THE GREAT,
BRYAN CRANSTON.
>> STEPHEN, THIS DISH NEVER FAILS TO IMPRESS, AND IT'S SO
EASY TO MAKE.
ALL YOU NEED ARE CHICKEN THIGHS, HALF AN ONION, AND A BOTTLE OF
QAWNT ROW.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, BRYAN, THIS IS AN ELECTION SPECIAL, NOT
A COOKING SHOW.
>> RIGHT, BUT YOU CAN PREPARE THIS DISH WAY AHEAD OF TIME,
BEFORE THE PARTY, AND IT WILL BE READY BY THE TIME YOUR GUESTS
ARRIVE.
>> Stephen: YUM-NUM.
ALSO JOINING US IS THE FLY THAT WAS ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD DURING
THE DEBATE.
>> ACTUALLY, THAT FLY WAS MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT
GRANDFATHER.
WE HAVE VERY SHORT LIFE SPANS.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO DEPOSIT EGGS IN THIZ SCALP.
>> Stephen: MOSLE TOF.
WE'VE ALSO GOT EXPERT ANALYSIS FROM A MEMBER OF THE WU TANG
CLAN METHOD MAN.
>> REPORTERS SHOW VOTER TURNOUT IS HIGHER THAN IT HAS BEEN IN
DECADES.
AND SO HAVE I.
( LAUGHS ) >> Stephen: WE'VE ALL GOT TO
GET THROUGH THIS ELECTION SOMEHOW.
WE ALSO HAVE THE HOST OF "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE."
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TONIGHT?
>> WELL MAINE AND NEBRASKA ARE THE ONLY TWO STATES THAT ALLOW A
SPLIT IN THEIR STATE'S ELECTORS.
SO I WANT TO CELEBRATE THEIR DESIRE TO GO BOTH WAYS.
OOO-KER.
>> Stephen: NEXT WE HAVE AWARD-WINNING ACTOR AND AUTHOR,
ETHAN HAWKE, LIVE HAVE A HIDDEN CAMERA.
>> SOMEBODY LEAVE THEIR PHONE IN HERE?
IS THIS THING ON?
>> Stephen: AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE BEEN CAUGHT.
>> COLBERT.
IS THAT YOU?
>> Stephen: HERE TO COUNT ELECTORAL VOTES, WE'VE GOT THE
TOOTSIE POP AL.
HOW MANY VOTES WILL THE CANDIDATES NEED TO CLINCH THE
ELECTION, MR. AL?
>> ONE... TWO... THREE.
>> Stephen: SO THREE?
>> NO, DUMMY 270.
DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER LOLLIPOP.
>> Stephen: NEXT WE HAVE ACTOR AND ACTIVIST GEORGE TAKEI.
GEORGE, WHAT STATES WILL YOU BE,LYING AT NIGHT?
>> PERSONALLY I'M INTERESTED IN THE SWING STATES OF OHIO AND
MICHIGAN, OR AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY THEIR POSTAL CODES OH, MY.
>> Stephen: ROUNDING OUT THE PANELS WE HAVE SIX OF SANTA'S
REINDEER, SOMEBODY IN A CEA WIG, AND TO TALK ABOUT THE YOUTH VOTE
FIVE TEENAGERS WHO ARE EITHER NAMED JOE OR DONALD.
>> MY NAME IS RONALD.
>> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, INFORMATION.
PANEL, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THE NIGHT SO FAR?
( ALL TALKING AT ONCE ) >> Stephen: I'M BEING TOLD
THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR.
THIS HAS BEEN "STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHOWTIME ELECTION SPECIAL 2020
PRESENTS THE MOST ELECTION NIGHT PANEL EVER"
MY APOLOGIES TO DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN, WE RAN OUT OF TIME.
>> WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, STEPHEN.
I'VE GOT A UNIQUE HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL, BUT GO AHEAD.
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THROUGHOUT HISTORY PEOPLE HAVE
WASTED ON HOTELS EVERY YEAR?
JUST THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU'D SAVE IF YOU HAD A TIME SHARE IN
BEAUTIFUL KEY WEST, RIGHT NEXT TO TRUE --
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO CUT YOU OFF THERE, DORIS.
I'M NOT BUYING A TIME SHARE FROM YOU AGAIN.
FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME.
ALL RIGHT, WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?
THANK YOU TO THE WHOLE PANEL.
THAT WAS...
SO GOOD.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> COMING UP, CHARLAMAGNE THE GOD.