- Oh my God, I just wanna take his head,
and I wanna peel the skin off of his skull.
- [Key] I know where you're going.
- And I wanna just start throwing it up like pizza dough,
until it's long, flat, and round.
And I wanna to take it to a picnic,
and toss it around like a Frisbee,
at puppy faced Frisbee picnic!
- Let's get him! - Yeah!
♪ All I want is ♪
♪ But I don't need it ♪
- Oh, hold on a second. (Peele mmhmms)
Oh, hell no.
He did not just text me he working late.
That (bleep) is weak.
- Okay.
- And you know what, working late, my ass.
If he don't walk through that door in the next half an hour,
he may as well not even come home tonight,
'cause I'm not gonna be there waiting for his cheating ass.
- Okay! - You know what I'm saying?
I ain't playing, you know what I'm saying?
But yeah, I will be there waiting because,
but he gonna have to put up with a lot (bleep) from me.
- Okay.
- And if he think he gonna do this (bleep) again,
he is sorely mistaken.
- Okay.
- Because my man gets one chance.
- Okay.
- One. - Okay.
- And then after that, he get one more.
- Okay.
- And then after that, he gonna get three strikes,
then ya out.
- Okay.
- And if I ever find out that my man
was messing around on me, he better get as far away from me
as he possibly can, because he do not wanna get
what I'm gonna give to him.
- Okay.
- I got my mother(bleep) real estate license.
- Okay.
- But if and when he does come home, that's fine.
- Okay.
- 'Cause he can go out and get all turnt up
what with these little side hos and whatnot,
';cause you know what, bitch?
He always gonna come home, all right?
- Okay.
- I'm the queen bee, and he always gonna come home
back to me. - Okay.
- You know what?
But what would you know, what you know if,
I wouldn't even care.
- Okay.
- But I'll tell you what happen if he do come home.
- Okay.
- He ain't gonna be pulling any of that (bleep) in my house.
- Okay.
- Yeah, but he can come to the house if he wants to,
but he ain't never gonna do that when I'm home.
- Okay.
- You know what?
Even if I'm home, it's fine.
- Okay.
- [Key] You know what I'm talking about?
- Okay.
- 'Cause I don't give a good goddamn.
- Okay.
- That's what I'm talking about,
but he ain't gonna bring that (bleep) into my bedroom.
I'll tell you that much right now.
- Okay.
- 'Cause there ain't no triping-ass (bleep)
gonna wake me up while he's cheating on me in my bed again.
- Okay!
- And I told him, I looked him right in the face,
I said, this is the fifth and last time!
- Okay!
- I couldn't have said it better myself, girl, you right.
- Okay.
- You just been spouting words of wisdom all evening,
and I ain't listening to a goddamn thing you saying.
- Okay.
- I don't even know what the hell I was thinking,
girl, you right.
The second that that man walks through that door,
I'm gonna dump his ass.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- [Peele] Okay.
- Oh my gosh.
Speak of the devil.
(warm smooth music)
- Okay,
okay.
- We love this place, it's amazing.
- It's so hot.
- It's like four stars somewhere.
I heard it got like six stars, which is like impossible.
- Oh my God, let's take a picture.
- Let's take a picture right now.
Oh my God, here we go.
(camera clicks)
- Oh my God, I'm making a face.
- Oh my God, I'm like one big nose, delete it.
- Delete it. (phone beeps)
(camera clicks)
- What am I doing, I'm gross.
- What am I looking at, an orca whale?
- Delete it.
- Delete it! (phone beeps)
(shotgun bangs)
(attendees screaming)
- On the the ground, on the ground!
- Oh my God, we're getting robbed.
- Oh my God, I'm okay, I'm like,
oh my God, what is my eye doing?
- Ew, I look like I'm 40!
We can delete it.
- Come on, let's get out of here, we'll delete it.
- Down!
(camera clicks)
- Oh my God, I look like somebody unwrapped a mummy.
- Oh my God, I look like a five-year-old drew me.
- Totally delete it.
- Delete it!
- [Officer] Police, drop your weapon!
(shotgun clicking and booming)
- Ew, I totally look like "Cloverfield."
- I look like I just had a stroke or something.
- Delete it! - Delete it!
- Right? - Yeah.
(shotgun booms)
- We're cute in that. - Ladies,
can you just show me the picture
you were talking about, please.
- Oh, it's like.
- Yeah, stop, great, right there.
That's great.
Grady, we got a clear shot of the perpetrator.
He's holding his shotgun and everything.
(phone beeps) Wait, wait, wait.
Where'd the picture go?
- We deleted it. - Gross.
- What?
- I had childbirth face.
- Yeah, I looked like my grandmother having an orgasm.
- Delete it! - Delete it!
- Grady, book these idiots for destroying evidence.
- Ow.
Ew, why are you being so manhandley?
- I can't believe this, why are we even?
We were the heroes of the evening!
- It's ridiculous.
- We stopped the perpetrator, now we're being arrested?
- Can we please, oh my God-
- It's a miscarriage of justice the entire time. (gasps)
Oh, oh! - What?
No fucking way.
- Oh my God, you cannot,
you cannot arrest me with that picture!
- Delete it.
- Are you kidding me?
- Delete it!
- I was blinking, this is ridiculous!
- Delete it!
- Delete it right now.
Delete it. - Delete it.
- You must delete this photo, delete it-
- No, he has a picture us.
- I'm not leaving until he deletes it.
I'm not leaving until he deletes it,
you gotta delete it! - No!
- He's gotta delete it! - Just delete it!
- You have to delete this picture!
- [Peele] Delete it!
- [Key] But when she does talk, like, you're listening.
- [Peele] Yeah, oh my God, last time,
I was like, who are you?
You're brilliant.
- I know. - Shut up.
- And she just- - Oh my God!
Oh my God, oh my God! - (gasps) Oh my God!
Oh my God! - Oh my God!
- Amy, look at that one!
- Oh, Megan- - That is so cute.
- [Key] That is the cutest effing puppy
I've ever seen in my entire life.
- Oh my God, I'm just gonna take him,
and I just wanna bite his little ears off.
- I just want to take his little legs and just
I could snack on them like little chicken drumettes.
- Yes!
I just wanna take his fuzzy little perfect head,
and I wanna put it in my mouth, and squeeze down on it hard
until I have a puppy-faced diamond in my mouth.
- Mm, so, I feel like I have to wrap his face in a towel,
and then beat it with a tire iron.
- I'm going to buy that dog,
I'm going to drive him to the vet,
and I'm going to have him put down immediately.
(both gasping)
- [Key] Look at him.
Oh my God, you know what I'm gonna have to do?
- What? - I'm going to have to take
that scruffy little nose- - Yes.
- And just kick it.
I just have to, I would kick it-
- Yes.
- Until it comes up on my shoes,
like little puppy snout slippers, you know what I mean?
And then I'm gonna go to a party, and everyone's like,
oh my God, where'd you get the slippers?
And I'll be like, these?
These are my face slippers from my adorable,
dumb little puppy!
- That's exactly what I was going to say!
- Yes, B.
- Oh my God, I just wanna take his head,
and I wanna peel the skin off of his skull.
- I think I know where you're going.
- And I wanna just start throwing it up like pizza dough
until it's long, flat, and round.
And I wanna take it to a picnic,
and toss it around like a Frisbee
at a puppy-faced Frisbee picnic!
- Let's get him! - Yeah!
(dramatic thunk)
- So cute.
Oh my God, is it me,
or is it like totally mosquitoey out here?
- Oh my God, remember this one?
He was so cute. - So cute.
(crepey music sting)
- So I'm doing this like airline food diet,
it's like all I eat, and I've lost like 16 pounds.
- Oh my God, Amy, I almost forgot to tell you.
- Yeah, what?
- We got a new receptionist at work.
- Ew, no way.
- Yeah, so, I'm in the common area,
alone, minding my own business.
- Yeah, oh, she said something to you?
- She came out to me, and no joke,
she's like, hi, I'm Sandy, I don't believe we've met yet.
- (gasps) She said that to you?
- Like, no, Amy, I'm not even kidding you, she's crazy.
- Yeah.
- No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy,
like, get this bitch away from me,
she's sociopathically batshit crazy.
- Oh my God, that totally reminds me.
I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah?
- She comes over to my house, she knocks on the door
with like a package under her arm.
- Stalker much?
- Yeah, And she looks me in the eye,
and she says to me, excuse me,
I think the postman dropped
this package off at my house by accident.
- (gasps) She said that to you?
- Yeah.
- Crazy bitch.
- I mean, like, I'm gonna have to move
because this bitch is nutburgers McLooneyTunes
stand at the front of my knife with a knife crazy.
- Oh my God, that totally reminds me.
- [Key] Oh yeah?
- You remember that girl at Starbucks?
- The crazy one?
- No, a different one, she's new.
- I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.
- Uh-huh?
- She gives me my change, and then she's like, thanks, bye.
- She smiled at you like that?
- How crazy is that?
- That's like insane in the membrane crazy,
like, this has the membrane, she's inside of it,
'cause that's insane.
- No, like, I'm not even kidding you, Amy.
That's crazy, like it puts the lotion in the basket
or else it gets the hose again
cray to the mother(bleep) cray!
- Yeah, like if Jay-Z had a sister, her name would be Cray.
- Hey!
You ladies wanna meet Channing Tatum?
(Key and Peele gasp)
- Is he really in there?
- Are you serious?
Oh, Channing! - Oh my God, Channing!
- [Peele] Channing, what are you doing in a van?
- [Key] This is effing crazy, I don't see you, Channing,
why are you hiding?
- [Peele] What are you doing here?
- [Key] Channing, are you like in a little ball?
(doors clunk)
- [Peele] No, it smells like mildew in here.
Ow, a sharp, jagged rusty edge.
- [Peele] Is that a meathook?
(creepy music sting) (door clunks)
- Okay. - I don't care!
- You know, a situation- - No, but I don't care!
- And I'm trying to help people out over here.
- Okay, you know what, Jay-quellin?
- No, I don't know, what?
- You need to think about yourself sometimes,
before you start insinuating yourself
in other people's business.
- Well, you know what, De-nice?
I'm gonna insinuate myself whenever and wherever I please,
'cause it's a free country, bitch!
(crowd oohs)
- Uh-uh. - Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh, okay, you know what?
- Oh, we doing this, okay,
so we gonna do it here, babe.
- Yeah, we are about to fight now.
- Bring it on then, bitch, let's go!
- We about to bring, I ain't even playing.
But you know what? - I wish you would.
- Step to me then. - I wish you would-
- Go ahead, step to me.
- Step up to me.
- [Peele] No, I would love for you to step right now.
- Right now, bitch.
But you're just talking, that's the problem.
- I don't even care. - That's the problem,
'cause you're talking now- - No more.
- And that's all you're doing.
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh yeah?
- Call me a bitch again. - Okay.
- See what happens.
- Your wish is granted, oh, see what happens?
I would like to see what happens.
I would love to see what happens.
- Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.
So why don't you come and bring it then, bitch?
(crowd ohing) - Mm-mm.
See, no, you are riding my last nerve,
and I ain't even playing no more.
I am not even playing no more.
- Oh, it's on?
Then let's do something, okay?
You wanna go?
(pantyhose creaking)
Do something, bitch.
- Uh-uh.
- Huh?
There we go, let's do something.
- Uh-uh!
- Eh
heh.
- Uh-uh!
- It's uh-huh, it's uh-huh.
- Uh-uh!
- Let's do something, bitch!
(crowd oohs) - What?
(zipper grinding)
(dramatic energetic music)
(kids slapping)
- [Both Girls] We told you not to mess with us, bitch!
- Y'all just saw that bitch
turn into two little girls, right?
(Key sighs)
- Happy Sunday, Esther.
- Happy Sunday, Georgina.
How was your week?
- Oh, the Lord is with me,
but the devil, he got his hands on my grandniece, Grace.
- Oh no.
- (mmhmms) They're smoking the reefer,
and doing the hanky panky with boys.
- Oh, Georgina.
- Well, Esther, you know that I love all things
that are good and holy.
(Peele mmhmms)
But if he doesn't let go of my grandniece, Grace,
I'm gonna cut the devil's (bleep) off,
and shove it in his ass.
(Peele mmhmms)
With my prayers.
- I know you will, Georgina, I know you will.
- How was your week, girl?
- Oh, you know me, I'm blessed and thankful for every day.
- (mmhmms) All right.
- But you know my grandson, Jason,
got his self wrapped up in the leathery claws of Satan.
- (gasps) Not Jason.
- He got his self arrested for the spray painting
and the vandalism.
- Oh Lord.
- And I tell you, I never raise my hand in anger,
but if he don't let Jason go,
I'm gonna punch that (bleep) Satan in the nuts so hard
it wipe the (bleep) licking smirk off his horned-ass face!
(Key mmhmms)
With my prayers.
- Amen, I know you will, Esther, I know you will.
But Esther, I gotta tell you something else now.
- Mm, let it out!
- You know, Esther, that I have found serenity
in the glory of heaven.
- Yes!
- But my daughter's husband, Bernard,
has gotten himself wedged between the cleft hooves
of Lucifer himself! - Mm!
- She opened up her laptop computer,
and found the pornography of women!
- Not the pornography of women.
- Absolutely the pornography of women.
- Not on the laptop computer.
- The laptop computer and the pornography of women!
- Mm!
- I am a pacifist under God's request,
but if he don't let go of Bernard,
I'm gonna sneak up on that bitchy-ass Lucifer,
right in the midst of his sleep time.
- Oh.
- And then I'm gonna sit on that mother(bleep)'s head,
and I'm gonna spread my booty cheeks on that pig's face,
and I'm gonna just pucker up my stink hole-
- Hoo!
- And just toops, toops, toops, scoops,
ba-doop-scoops-scoops-ga-doops
until that (bleep) got a brown dot on his nose
that I could use for target practice, sha-plow!
Sha-plow! - Shoot that!
- Sha-plow!
- Ooh, shoot that (bleep) and (bleep) that!
- With my prayers!
- With your prayers, of course, of course.
Oh, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina.
- Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
- OH, I got nothing but faith in God and heaven above,
but I tell you, my son's wife, Crystal,
she got herself wrapped up
in the fiery wings and Mephistopheles herself.
- Here we go.
- You know she got caught using profanity
with her own children!
- Where?
- At the dinner table.
- Oh, Lord, child, child!
- Georgina Daree Martin!
Oh, I have nothing but love for every creature
on this planet, (Key mmhmms)
but if he'd don't let my darling Crystal go,
I'm gonna flirt with the devil.
- Oh, oh!
- Show him a little bit of shoulder.
How you doing?
He gonna start looking away,
I'm gonna start twerking.
Start twerking- - You're gonna twerk?
- He gonna be like, ooh, and he's gonna be drawn in,
I'm gonna seduce that little mother(bleep)er.
Give him one of these, hi, batting my eyelashes at him.
Then when he least expects it, and I got his trust,
that's when I'm gonna ride that (bleep).
I'm gonna give him a night of his life,
a night he ain't never gonna forget.
- Gonna give him.
- I'm gonna give him this way,
I'm gonna give him that way.
And then, right When he about to climax,
that's when I'm gonna clench up my (bleep)
on that mother(bleep)er's red (bleep),
and I'm gonna snap that (bleep) off with a divine kegel!
- Ooh, well, you gotta snap that (bleep) off!
- Hoo!
- Snap it off!
- Hoo, with my prayers.
- With your prayers, with your prayers, of course,
with the prayers, yeah.
But that's right, girl! - Yes!
- You got get him, Esther! - Yes!
- (bleep) Satan!
- (bleep) him!
- (bleep) him in th!
- [Demonic Voice] Hello.
- Oh.
- What, what's happening, Georgina?
- Georgina isn't here anymore. (chuckling)
It is I, Satan.
(Peel gasps)
Oh, ooh, oh! (slaps cracking)
Ooh, oh, ooh, oh!
No, Esther, I'm in here now!
- [Peele] Oh!
- I'm kickin' this (bleep)'s ass!
- Yeah!
- Oh, help me, somebody help me!
I've got kids, you don't have to-
(Satan groaning)
- Oh, get him, Georgina, get him!
- I stuck a safety pin in this (bleep)'s urethra!
- Oh!
- No!
(bleep), that hurts!
- Oh.
- Right now, I got his (bleep) in my hands like an old rag,
I'm ripping it off! - Gonna rip it off!
- And I'm ripping it off!
- Oh, gimme some of that!
I want a piece of him, yes!
Tag me in!
(Key and Peele groaning)
- Who is this crazy bitch now?
Ah, it's me, mother(bleep)er, your worst nightmare, bitch!
(Peele laughing)
- Shake that mother(bleep)!
- That's right, I'm on top of you,
I'm on top of!
What's going on?
This feels good, why would she do this to me?
Oh, you'll see in a second, mother(bleep)er!
- Just wait for your (bleep)!
- Oh, I'm waiting, but oh, here I (bleep), here I (bleep)!
Here you come, hah, got that?
(grunting) Snap!
(Key gasps)
Ooh, I got him good.
I'll do anything you say, I'll do anything you say!
- Too late now, too late now, Satan!
We should probably go.
- Oh yeah, let's go, let's go.
- They're about to start the service.
- Oh, I gotta hold it in, we gonna go medieval on his ass.
No, no, no, I can't take it, I can't take-
Get off me there, mister!
Please, please, get these crazy bitches off of me!
(Satan groaning)
Jesus Christ is my personal lord and savior, I swear!
Lord, too late for that now!