♪ Since you've been gone ♪
♪ I'm out of my head, can't take it ♪
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
- Either Maeve Wiley's boobs have gotten bigger,
which I thought was technically impossible.
- [Otis] They look the same to me.
- I heard she bit Simon Furhausen on the scrotum
and now it's all wonky like a discount avocado.
- I don't think that's true.
- [Eric] And I heard she sucked off 12 guys
in 10 minutes for a dare. - That's definitely not true.
- What a slag.
- Look at that greasy hair, maybe she can't afford shampoo.
- Or deodorant.
- Told you, she's basically a nympho.
(melodic upbeat music)
- Uh! - Ooh!
- Are you a complete moron? - No, I'm not.
- [Maeve] That was a rhetorical question.
- There you go. - Don't touch my shit.
- I was trying to help. - Don't.
- Guys, you know you're not supposed to run in the hallway.
- It was my fault.
Fuck off, snowflake.
- [Teacher] You'll be doing presentations
on Shakespeare's relationship with love and disguise.
- [Teach] You'll be working in pairs,
you'll need worksheets, two prophylactics
and a plastic cock and balls.
(light melodic music)
- Jesus Christ!
What's next?
- That's not the hymen.
- I think I know where the hymen is, but thanks.
- Okay, well, I mean, you're quite wrong.
- Where's the hymen then?
- Hymen.
It shouldn't matter what anyone in the school thinks,
you are who you are
and don't let anyone take that away from you.
- So everyone's wrong and I'm basically
awesome?
- Be proud of your penis and your heritage,
because neither are going anywhere.
You should work with what you've got.
- It's like something clicked in his brain, boom!
- Maeve Riley's coming straight over here,
she's literally walking straight towards us with purpose.
Otis, Otis, Otis, Otis, okay, she's here.
- Nice helmet.
- Safety first.
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Huh, what did you wanna talk about?
- The students at the school need your help, Otis
and we need their money.
I haven't really worked out the details yet,
but I'm good with numbers,
so I'll do all the business end of things
and you can do the therapy,
we'll charge for every appointment and split the cash.
- Therapy?
- Yeah, sex therapy.
You have a gift, it would be irresponsible to waste it.
Look how you helped Adam.
- But I didn't, he hates me now.
- He came, Otis,
your words made him come
sort of.
Look, I haven't got all day, are you in or out?
Okay, fine, don't worry about it.
(melodic upbeat music)
- Okay, Maeve!
Wait, wait!
I'm in!
- Ah! - Hey, piss flaps,
something wrong with your phone?
- I don't have a phone! - What?
- I do, it's broken, right,
reception, I need to get it fixed.
The Carphone Warehouse, thanks goodness for insurance, woo!
- Stop speaking, I found us a client.
- Okay, ooh, great, fantastic!
- Meet me in the toilets at break for the session.
- Sorry, wait, break?
- Don't be late.
- Oh, my God, you just talked to Maeve Riley!
- You're supposed to give advice, not traumatize people.
- Okay, well, I was going to say that to properly identify
why she experienced emesis during fellatio,
I would need to get a more accurate understanding
of her social and sexual history, but she left.
- What the hell is emesis?
- You know, vomiting!
- [Maeve] That poor girl's wanting to know
how to suck a dick.
- Well, the thing is I don't think I'm very good
at this whole therapy thing.
- That's not true, I see you do it,
you're like some sort of strange sex savant,
it's weird, but impressive.
- I gave out some free advice.
- Really, to who?
- Well, that's confidential,
but it's a client.
- Not exactly a sex pretzel bonanza, is it?
- I'm sorry, how many clients did you find tonight?
I didn't realize you and Jackson were--
- Oh, it's cool, he's not my boyfriend or anything,
we're just sleeping together, you know how it is?
- Sure, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
♪ Bless my soul, I can't resist ♪
♪ Fire ♪
- See you later.
- [Both] Lunging!
- Alright, dickhead! - Hey, Maeve,
nice to see you again,
'cause I saw you this morning in school, not in my dreams.
- I need to ask a favor.
- Oh yeah, what is it?
- I need you to meet me somewhere after school at 6:30.
- Is this a clinic thing?
- No, if you can't, don't worry, but.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I can.
- Yeah? - Completely.
Whereabouts exactly?
- Cool, I'll text you the address.
- Cool beans! - See you later!
♪ Bless my soul, I can't resist ♪
- Cool beans?
Hi, sorry, look, I'm looking for,
Maeve, hi!
Hey, I didn't know whether to come in or not,
you didn't specify where to meet you.
Why are we in an abortion clinic?
Oh!
- I said 6:30.
- Well, time is late.
- What the hell does that even mean?
(melancholic piano music) - Hi!
- You waited.
- Course.
- Are those flowers for me?
- Yeah, it seems a bit inappropriate now.
- No, no, I like 'em,
nothing says happy abortion like a bouquet.
- Do you want me to come inside with you?
Just in case-- - I'm not inviting you in.
I'll text you if I die.
- [Otis] (laughing) I'll keep my phone close.
- If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you.
I have a hatchet and I know a good place
to hide a body, okay.
- Okay, but seriously, what's wrong with boyfriends?
- It's just someone else to let you down, isn't it?
(melodic upbeat music)
- You really think so, whoa!
What the hell?
- [Maeve] Mait, stop.
No. - Uh!
- Like that, do you?
- Go, fuck!
- [Maeve] Wait.
- Oh, okay, ow!
Yeah, let's go.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- You coming?
- No.
Promise not to laugh,
I might have a mild to moderate crush on Maeve.
- Yeah, no shit, what gave it away?
- She touched my eyebrows, now I have an erection.
You said you wouldn't laugh!
Oh, it won't go away,
it's been half an hour and it's really cold.
(light melodic music)
- [Maeve] Why are you being weird?
- I'm not, I'm not being weird!
- Yes, you are.
- Well, why are you helping Ruby anyway?
- It's money.
Please.
- Okay.
- I'm joking.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's on me.
- Okay,
thank you. - It's okay.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Why are your arms so freakishly long?
- They're not, just roll up your sleeve, you fool.
This one.
I'm a virgin!
- What?
- I'm a virgin and I thought you should know that I am.
- Yeah, that's totally cool, no judgment.
- Cool, bad day, shit.
♪ My little hairy kids out on their own ♪
♪ They run to the festival to show they won ♪
♪ They've fallen in love with all humankind ♪
♪ So tell them you love them ♪
♪ So they don't change their mind ♪
- I really liked your essay. - You haven't read my essay.
- No, but I did hear it.
We live as we dream, hello, that's very bleak.
- Depends on your perspective.
How did you know it was mine?
- Well, Adam thought "As You Like It" was a song by Jay-Z
and only you could turn the topic of dreams
into existential angst.
- Pessimists outlive optimists.
- We're in for the long haul then.
(melodic orchestral music) - Hm.
- That trophy should be yours,
don't give it away next time.
You don't wanna jump!
- No, I think I do.
- You don't.
Look,
sometimes the people we like don't like us back
and it's painful, but there's nothing we can do about it.
- You don't understand.
- I do, I do understand,
I know what it's like
when someone doesn't feel the same way about you,
someone you can't stop thinking about,
it hurts, but you can't make people like you.
- I don't like her,
I love her.
- I know, but love isn't about grand gestures
or the moon and the stars, it's just dumb luck
and sometimes you meet someone who feels the same way
and then sometimes you're unlucky,
but one day you're gonna meet someone,
who appreciates you for who you are,
I mean, there's seven billion people on the planet,
I know one of them is gonna climb up on a moon for you.
- Really?
- Yeah, you're brilliant, you're very dedicated,
you're gonna make someone really happy one day.
- Hey Otis, if I give you another 50,
will you tell me how to get Maeve
to like me again? - Jackson.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, he told me how to get you,
I gave him 50 and then he gave me the book stuff
and then the song and then the feminist stuff that you like,
because you're difficult, Maeve
to know.
(light melancholic music)
- Maeve.
- He paid you to tell him what I like?
- No, I, I didn't,
I tried to not take,
I gave the money to you. - You gave it to me?
- I'm gonna be sick again.
- Maeve. - Stay the fuck away!
You're right, we're done.
- [Otis Voiceover] Maeve,
I'm so sorry that I hurt you and betrayed your trust.
You saw something in me when no one else did,
I was just this invisible guy in the corner
and I thought I liked being that way,
then I met you and I figured out
I'm actually good at something.
I hope you can forgive me
and that we can keep doing the clinic together.
You're the smartest person I've ever met
and this award is yours.