Are you wondering how to stop being insecure in a relationship? There's a
psychological basis to this and then we'll get into some tips of how to
change it. First of all, let's figure out where that insecurity is coming from. I'm
a big fan of metacognition. --Thinking about your thinking. Let's go there and
see if we can figure out where it's coming from.
Notice as you think about your thinking that your focus tends to be somewhere. Is
your focus about you? Or is it about someone else? Think about that for a
moment. Is your focus on how you feel? Or how someone else feels? If you overlay
those two dimensions, we actually get 4 different areas where our focus
might be. My focus might be on how I feel about myself. That's the first area of
focus. And when I'm in that state, I feel self-conscious. Am I good enough? See, my
focus is all about how I feel about myself and that creates some anxiety.
Well, what's another option? Maybe my focus is on how you feel about me. "Do you
like me? Do you think I'm cute enough? Smart enough?" Do you see the anxiety that
that creates too? And this is more of a insecurity. the insecurities type of
anxiety over the self-conscious anxiety when it's about how I feel about myself.
Welcome back to junior high. Do you remember that?
When constantly we're thinking about do I fit in or people going to like me. Either
way. we're in trouble with anxiety. Self-consciousness,
insecurities. The focus is all about me. So, notice that. Let's go to the other 2
possibilities. Now, maybe it's not about me anymore. Maybe it's about you now. What
if my focus is on how I feel about you? Okay, we're still running
into some problems here because that feels a little judgmental. Critical, maybe.
Even if it's positive, what if I come to you and say, "Oh, I approve of you." What
gives me the authority to approve of you or not? Do you see how condescending that
can be? And it feels a little judgmental. As parents, we get into that mode all the
time. Because our focus is on how we feel
about them, about our kids about their choices, about their lifestyle.
Well, that's very much in that mode. And the risk is criticism, judgment. Not the
self judgment that we talked about in that first area. But the judgment and
criticism of others. Okay, one more possibility and I've saved this one to
last. It's no longer about me and how I feel is only secondary. Now, my focus is
on how you feel about yourself. When I get into that mode, I no longer feel
anxiety. And I'm not judging anyone. My focus is on how you feel about yourself.
When I go there, it changes everything about how I feel in that relationship.
That focus is so powerful and I invite you to think about your own thinking
enough to see where your focus is. Which of those 4 areas. How I feel about
myself, how you feel about me, how I feel about you or how you feel about yourself.
We'll come back to that in just a minute. Fear is also a big culprit in messing
with how we feel in a relationship. What is it that we're afraid of? Usually,
rejection. Or we fear not being good enough which gets back into our
discussion about where is your focus. The fear of rejection of not being loved, of
not receiving in return, what we're putting into something. Which contributes
to our overall sense of whether we're even good enough.
You can see how that's going to contribute to feelings of insecurity. And
one other thought about the cause of insecurity in a relationship. Is this a
need-based relationship? Or is this a choice-based relationship? There's a big
difference in how we feel if we need to be in that relationship. In the industry,
sometimes we talk about codependence or we talk about being overly dependent on
someone. And all of these are versions of a need-based relationship. As opposed to
someone who's in the relationship because they choose to be in that
relationship. As we understand some of the causes around insecurities in a
relationship, that will help to inform us of the solutions. So what can we do about
it? Going back to our conversation about your focus and being aware of thinking
about where's my focus. Let's shift the focus from ourselves to others. It's not
about me. How I feel is only secondary. I'm concerned about how you feel about
yourself. This powers up your relationship. But it also takes you out
of the insecurity that you feel when the focus is on yourself. Shift the focus to
how other people feel about themselves. And that changes the game for how you
feel in that relationship. Now, let's go to the fears. What can we do about those?
My best answer is one you probably don't want to hear. But I'm sorry, I got to tell
you the truth. Face your fears and answer the what-ifs.
Almost every fear is based on this subconscious what-if question. "What if
this happens? What if that happens?" In a relationship,
"What if they leave me? What if they reject me? What if they don't think I'm
good enough?" Which by the way shifts your focus back to about you, how other people
feel about you. Just notice that. How do we face the fears?
We feel the fear and do it anyway. Take the risk. Jump into that relationship. And
you can do that by answering the what if. "What if they reject me?" Well, if they
reject you, you can handle that. I know that sounds like a really simplistic
answer. But I believe that it's true. You can handle it. If you believe at any
level that you can't, you'll continue to live in fear and you'll avoid getting
into relationships or situations where there's any level of risk. You can handle
it. Answer the what-ifs. Answer them
consciously, answer them truthfully. What would happen to your fear if you
believed that you could handle anything? Would that be cool? That means you can
take on anything that life hand you and you're going to be okay. Now, that doesn't
mean you won't experience pain or difficulty or frustration. Welcome to
earth, that's how we roll here. It means that you'll be able to handle it. And
therefore, you don't have to avoid those relationships or those situations.
Because you've already answered the what-ifs. The last tip that I'll share
with you for today's video. What if we were to shift our mindset from a
have-to mindset to a choose-to mindset? Do you have to be in this relationship?
No. Do you choose to be in this relationship? Ah, that changes all kinds
of things psychologically. And this affects how you feel too. Think about
anything that you're doing right now where you're telling yourself the story
that you have to do this or that you're obliged or that you're forced to. That's
not fun for anybody. And it's not even true. I ask my clients sometimes. They say,
"Well I have to do this." Really? Well, what would happen if you didn't? It's an
interesting question because it introduces the possibility that you
could choose out. And usually your mind will come up with all kinds of
consequences. "Well, I can't. Because..." And then you list the consequences. Truth is
you can and you would have to suffer those consequences if you did. But
mentally, that's an important tool because now we're
choose-to mode instead of have-to mode. insecurity in a relationship, we can
address all of our insecurities by facing our fears, paying attention to the
thinking so you know where your focus is. And get into that agent mode. Not the
victim mode of have-to. The agent mode of choose to. Relationships, psychology,
personal development. It can get a little tricky and that's why we've put together
some tools for you. Have you heard of the Positivity Power-Up yet? This is a
program that I've put together full of principles that help you to take more
intentional control over the equipment that you're operating right here in your
own mind. I hope you enjoy the Positivity Power-Up. Go to positivitypowerup.com
and get signed up today.