My least favorite movement ever
is the health food movement.
I can't stand it.
Every 10 seconds, some douchebag has to start telling me
about some study he read or some documentary he saw.
"Dude, dude, I don't know if you knew this, man,
but if you eat fast food three times a day
for a month, you'll get sick."
Yeah, really?
Thank you, I figured that out when I was nine years old.
I was delivered an unsliced pizza.
Everything you believe in just unravels.
Everything you hold true.
To some people, it sounds like a simple mistake.
Not me, I took it personally.
I was like, that's somebody down at Domino's
making a judgment call on my life.
That's somebody seeing my name come up
on one too many tickets and finally just being like,
"Listen, man,
we know that you're probably
gonna eat this by yourself.
More than likely, all in one sitting, too, so...
you know what to do, man.
Just fold it in half, and...
bon appétit."
Just 'cause they were right,
I didn't appreciate the assumption.
You don't know me, Domino’s!
Plump.
"This giant taco tastes like Italy."
I love Southern food.
Chicken and waffles.
Fried chicken and waffles.
Why?
"What should we serve with the fried chicken, French fries?"
"No, something elegant...
like a waffle,
or a gyro,
or heroin."
"I know it's lunch, but I want breakfast and diabetes,
so I'll have the chicken and waffles, and a shake."
'Course, you can't talk about Southern food
without bringing up grits, right?
Grits, it's like someone was like, "Hey...
If you love the taste of biscuits and gravy
but without the taste of biscuits and gravy,
then you'll love our man-made wet sand."
I want to like grits, I do.
I order them, and I'm like,
"Are these undercooked or overcooked?
No wonder you came up with moonshine."
Southerners are always like,
"Y'all are eating that wrong.
You gotta add a pound of cheese,
and a pound of sugar, and 30 candy canes."
That's what I love about the South.
They don't even try and hide
the fact they're eating unhealthy.
In a restaurant, you're like,
"I guess I'll order the bucket of lard
and the salt stick."
"Y'all want that deep fried?"
"OK."
"You want us to shoot at you while you eat it?"
"Is that extra?"
I like to eat.
Sorry about that.
Eating is, without a doubt, my favorite
of the survival-based activities.
Like, I’ll breathe, but I don't enjoy it.
I don't like the way it feels, a deep breath.
Everyone's always pushing a deep breath in tough times.
They're the worst.
I find hunger very attractive in a man.
Yes, this is the moment where I reveal
that I'm a heterosexual.
And I'm not proud of it.
No, it's nothing to be proud of in this day and age.
It's an embarrassment, to lust after the common shaft.
It's like, "Does she read?"
But I do find that hunger attractive in a man.
That's why I like to see how he treats his buffalo wings.
I think it's very telling.
I think it's a great way to feel someone out.
I gotta say, if a man's throwing bones into that bones pile,
and they still have flesh on them, I'm not impressed.
No, I'm throwing real bones in there,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm throwing true bones in there.
They are clean, and dry, and ready
to be a pirate wench's earring.
They're ready for the bones pile, OK?
He's throwing flesh lollipops in there.
It kinda makes me wonder, you know?
You gonna leave the meat on me too, later?
Are you someone who's afraid to get into the corners,
where the flavor's at?
Lost a little bit of weight in the past year,
gonna be honest with you on that.
[Audience claps and cheers]
Whoa, thank you.
That was...
Didn’t, uh...
Thank you.
I didn't have a baby or anything,
but thank you very much.
It was easy, man.
Just cut out bed calzones.
It's all you gotta do:
Stop taking a hot calzone to bed with you
and shotgunning it, and drift off
to heartburn-fueled nightmarish sleep.
Just stop.
Just stop doing that.
Why, you know?
'Cause it looks like a pillow?
Why do we do it?
You know?
Mom, right?
Yeah, same thing with me, mom.
Like, "Eat your calzone. I'll punch you in the neck," right?
My mom would bite the end off the calzone
and put the hole part in my mouth
and just punch it, and all the cheese
and sausage filled my little baby head.
[Gagging]
Why?
I don't understand nutrition.
I heard a nutritionist on the radio say something like,
"You should eat breakfast like a king,
lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper,"
but I think I wrote it down wrong
'cause I eat breakfast like a king,
lunch like a hippopotamus,
dinner like an 800-pound gorilla,
and a midnight snack like a 25-ton humpback whale.
When I was jotting it, I inverted something.
I'm always inverting my jots.
People who know me say that about me.
You get weird advice about food.
Whenever I go to the store, people say,
"Brian, you don't want to go grocery shopping
when you're hungry because you'll end up buying
the kind of food you want to eat when you're hungry."
I don't know how to function.
"Brian, you don't want to go buy a car
when you want to buy a car
'cause you'll end up buying the kind of car
you want to get when you buy a car."
Can you imagine driving home in a car like that?
Filled with the kind of groceries you want to eat?
You'd be the laughing stock of the cul-de-sac.
As soon as I moved out to L.A.,
I thought I was the fattest woman there
'cause a guy on Tinder told me I was.
Men are the best.
What next of you rascals?
Always up to something, you know what I mean?
Went on a bunch of bullshit diets,
did the cabbage soup diet.
Anyone heard of this before?
[Woman:] Yes.
Yes, you've done it?
It's a piece of shit.
So it's to lose 10 to 12 pounds in one week
eating this bullshit soup.
You're hungry, eat the soup.
Day three, breakfast soup.
[Gagging]
No one wants breakfast soup, alright?
Breakfast soup's not going down the mouth hole,
but day four...
Day four is when they get you, huh?
It's like, "Hey, guess what,
you can have as many bananas as you want."
I'm like, "Oh, really, cabbage soup diet?
Is this a dare?"
I ate 12 bananas in one day.
I'm not kidding. I was starving.
I ate two bunches of bananas
to myself in 10 hours.
I didn't shit for two fucking weeks.
I gained 10 goddamn pounds on this diet.
But when I did shit,
12 exact bananas came out of my asshole.
Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
Clean wipes, it felt very good.