WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REMEMBER WHEN DONALD TRUMP TOLD
US WE WOULD BE TIRED OF WINNING?
WELL, EVIDENTLY THE STOCK MARKET IS EXHAUSTED --
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE AFTER LOSING 666 POINTS
ON FRIDAY, MONDAY SAID, "HOLD MY BEER," AND POSTED THE GREATEST
SINGLE SAME-DAY DROP IN THE STOCK MARKET HISTORY: 1,600
POINTS.
IN THE END, THE DOW CLOSED ALMOST 1,200 POINTS DOWN,
ERASING ITS GAINS FOR THE YEAR.
THE STOCK MARKET IS JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: IT SPENT JANUARY
WORKING ON IMPROVING ITSELF THEN IN FEBRUARY SAID (BLEEP)
IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH.
WHAT AM I EGOING TO DO?
( APPLAUSE ) SPECULATION IS THAT IT'S BECAUSE
OF FEARS THAT THE FED WILL BE RAISING INTEREST RATES.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT'S THE FIRST FULL DAY FOR NEW FED
CHAIR, JEROME POWELL.
WELCOME TO THE SARLACC PIT, SIR.
( LAUGHTER ) SO ANYWAY, THAT'S ONE
EXPLANATION.
DID ANYTHING ELSE HAPPEN THIS AFTERNOON THAT COULD HAVE
SHATTERED CONFIDENCE?
>> OH, I LOVE THE STATE OF OHIO.
OH, RIGHT.
>> OH, RIGHT.
THIS AFTERNOON TRUMP WAS IN CINCINNATI, WHERE HE SPOKE TO
FACTORY WORKERS ABOUT HOW GREAT THE ECONOMY'S DOING.
AND, WHEN HE STARTED, THAT WAS STILL TRUE.
>> I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL, AND I WANT TO THANK JEFF NORIS AND
EVERYONE HERE AT SCHEFFER CORPORATION.
YOU HAVE HALF THE ROOM GOING TOTALLY CRAZY WILD.
THEY LOVED EVERYTHING.
A LOT OF FAKE NEWS OUT THERE.
THAT'S OKAY.
HMMM?
♪ HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND ♪ ♪ I'VE COME TO TALK WITH YOU
AGAIN ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS IS TOUGH.
IT WAS AN ESPECIALLY AWKWARD MOMENT BECAUSE TRUMP WAS IN TOWN
TO TOUT THE BENEFITS OF THE TAX PLAN
>> YOU KNOW, YOU CAN WORK HARD, BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT
LEADER SETTING THE RIGHT TONE, IN ALL FAIRNESS-- I'M NOT
EVEN SAYING-- I AM NON-BRAGGADOCIOUS.
>> STEPHEN: "I DO THE MOST LEAST AMOUNT OF BRAGGING ANYONE'S EVER
SEEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE RECORD BREAKING
HUMILITY!" ♪ I'M BOOEDA.
I'M NOTHINGNESS ."
TRUMP EMPHASIZED THE IMPORTANCE OF VOTING IN 2018 AND NOT
GETTING DISTRACTED.
>> SO THE PEOPLE ARE HAPPY.
AND THEY DON'T GET OUT AND THEY DON'T VOTE LIKE THEY SHOULD.
MAYBE THEY GO TO A MOVIE IN '18.
NONE OF YOU ARE GOING TO A MOVIE, I HOPE, RIGHT?
( APPLAUSE ) START THINKING ABOUT '18.
START THINKING ABOUT NOVEMBER.
START FINDING OUT EXACTLY THAT LITTLE SLOT, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
A RESTAURANT, ALTHOUGH YOU COULD, YOU COULD GO AND VOTE,
AND GO TO A RESTAURANT.
>> STEPHEN: "YOU CAN'T GO TO A MOVIE.
BUT YOU CAN GO TO A RESTAURANT ( LAUGHTER )
AND NO CHEATING BY GOING TO ONE OF THOSE MOVIE THEATERS
WHERE THEY SERVE FOOD.
OKAY?
YOU'LL GET SO DISTRACTED YOU WON'T VOTE AND YOU'LL MISS THE
END TO "SHAPE OF WATER."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS JUST ME, BUT I HEAR SHE
DOES IT WITH A TROUT.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE.
LIKE A RAINBOW TROUT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
HAVE YOU SEEN IT?" >> Jon: YEAH, I SAW IT.
>> Stephen: DON'T KNOW HOE THE MOV --HOW THE MOVIE ENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT TURNS OUT, AT THE STATE OF
THE UNION, TRUMP WAS UPSET THAT THE DEMOCRATS WEREN'T CLAPPING
FOR HIM AS MUCH AS THE REPUBLICANS.
>> HONESTLY, IT WAS BAD ENERGY.
NO, IT WAS BAD ENERGY.
YOU'RE UP THERE, YOU'VE GOT HALF THE ROOM GOING TOTALLY CRAZY
WILD.
AND YOU HAVE THE OTHER SIDE, EVEN ON POSITIVE NEWS, REALLY
POSITIVE NEWS LIKE THAT, THEY WERE LIKE DEATH.
AND UN-AMERICAN.
UN-AMERICAN.
SOMEBODY SAID TREASONOUS.
I MEAN, YEAH, I GUESS, WHY NOT?
CAN WE CALL THAT TREASON?
WHY NOT?
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, NOT-CLAPPING FOR YOU ISN'T TREASON.
BUT DON'T WORRY, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU COULD FIND OUT THE EXACT
DEFINITION OF TREASON PRETTY SOON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT TRUMP'S MAIN POINT WAS:
EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT!
>> WHEN I SIGNED THE TAX CUT SIX WEEKS AGO, IT SET OFF A TIDAL
WAVE OF GOOD NEWS THAT CONTINUES TO GROW EVERY SINGLE DAY.
>> STEPHEN: "A TIDAL WAVE OF GOOD NEWS, FOLLOWED BY A
EARTHQUAKE OF POSITIVE STORIES, AND SOON WHOLE NEIGHBORHOODS
WILL FALL INTO A GAPING SINKHOLE OF HAPPINESS."
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS JUST
TALKING ABOUT THE TAX CUT?
HOUSE SPEAKER AND CO-WORKER WHO'S "OFFICE HOT," PAUL RYAN.
RYAN WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN GETTING THE REPUBLICAN TAX CUT PASSED
LAST YEAR, AND ON SATURDAY HE WAS IN A BRAGGING MOOD
TWEETING, "A SECRETARY AT A PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL IN LANCASTER,
PENNSYLVANIA, SAID SHE WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED HER PAY
WENT UP $1.50 A WEEK.
SHE SAID THAT WILL MORE THAN COVER HER COSTCO MEMBERSHIP FOR
THE YEAR."
COOL!
NOW SHE'S JUST ONE HISTORIC TAX CUT AWAY FROM A BUS PASS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) HE GOT A LOT OF RAZZING FOR THIS
TWEET, SO HE PULLED IT.
BUT HE DIDN'T PULL THIS ONE: "THESE @TAXREFORM "CRUMBS" ARE
REALLY STARTING TO ADD UP."
"AFTER THE TAX OVERHAUL, HOSTESS EMPLOYEES WILL --LITERALLY-- GET
A SWEET TREAT."
BECAUSE "ONCE A WEEK, EMPLOYEES WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE HOME A
MULTIPACK OF THE "PRODUCT OF THE WEEK."
THAT'S GOOD NEWS, SUMMED UP BY MIDDLE CLASS HERO MARIE
ANTOINETTE, WHO FAMOUSLY DECLARED, "LET THEM EAT DING
DONG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
MMM, MMM!
AND IT'S INTERESTING THAT PAUL RYAN WOULD BOAST ABOUT SOMEONE
MAKING AN EXTRA BUCK-FIFTY A WEEK, SEEING AS HOW OTHERS ARE
BRINGING HOME SIGNIFICANTLY MORE BACON.
FOR EXAMPLE, "JUST 13 DAYS AFTER THE TAX LAW WAS PASSED, THE KOCH
FAMILY DONATED NEARLY $500,000 TO RYAN'S FUNDRAISING
COMMITTEE."
OH, I WOULD LIKE TO KICK HIM IN THE DING DONGS!