Clay Andrews: Will my ex find someone else during no contact?
That's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But first, my name is Clay
with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're
looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get, and without
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Clay Andrews: Also, I wanted to let you know that we do
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let's go ahead and get into the topic of this video.
Clay Andrews: When you're considering doing no contact,
there are a lot of hesitations, concerns and worries that you might have. I get it. I've
done no contact before. I remember reading about it on an internet forum back in 2003,
the forum, in case you were wondering is called eNotAlone. I think it's still around. It was
the last time I checked maybe a couple of years ago. It's not that I particularly recommend
it, but if you're interested in looking for some ancient thing from almost 20 years ago
at this point, there it is.
Clay Andrews: But I remember getting ready to do no contact,
reading about it, everyone telling me to do it. I had a lot of fears. I was worried that
my ex would forget about me, I was worried that she would get into a relationship with
this guy named Tom that she was talking to, and that they'd fall in love and just, she'd
never want to talk to me again.
Clay Andrews: I totally remember all those feelings, all
of that hesitation, all of the concern that I felt back then, and I totally get it. I
totally get that there are a lot of reservations that you feel. I totally get that there's
maybe that thin, maybe strained thread of communication that you have with your ex that
might feel like it's the only thing keeping the two of you in each other's lives. And
if you just give up on it, then your ex was just going to drift off into some new life
or something like that.
Clay Andrews: And I want to talk about that. Yeah, let's
be honest. I'm not going to blow sunshine at you and say that your ex is not going to
get into a rebound relationship, because it is possible. It's totally possible that they
might get into a relationship with someone else if you use no contact. Right? It's totally
possible that that could happen, regardless of whether or not you do no contact, as well,
too. But I want you to not let that stop you from actually doing no contact, if that's
what you think that you need to do. Okay?
Clay Andrews: We've talked about this in our entire series
on what we call active no contact, I'll put a link to that up there in a video card. I
have a little bit of a different take on the no contact rule than maybe you've heard other
coaches or other people on YouTube talk about. So, if you're new to this channel, first of
all, subscribe down below, but you may also want to check out that video series on active
no contact, just so that you can understand maybe at least what my opinion is.
Clay Andrews: You can choose whether or not you want to
follow that or not, that's entirely up to you, but it's what's worked for me, it's what's
worked for my clients in the past. Might be useful for you. Anyway, you should be doing
no contact if you think that you would benefit from it, just sort of the Cliff's notes version
here. If being in contact with your ex is causing the two of you to move further apart
from each other emotionally, something's not working, and we need to stop what's not working
and do no contact, take a step back, fix whatever isn't working.
Clay Andrews: And then, consider getting back in contact
with our ex after that point to see if tweaking things a little bit has actually improved
your ability to connect with them. If on the other hand you are in contact with your ex,
and it is bringing the two of you closer together, something's working. And as they say, "Don't
fix what ain't broken." Not everyone needs to do no contact, but if you are in the place
where you're like, "Yeah, I need to do no contact," and you're worried that your ex
is going to meet someone else, yeah, it can happen.
Clay Andrews: It can happen, your ex might meet someone
else, but it's probably going to be a rebound relationship. Now, rebound relationships have
a really poor track record for a lot of reasons. We've covered this many times in our video
series on rebound relationships, I'll put a video link to that as well up there. But
rebound relationships are basically someone who has not fully dealt with their emotions
from a breakup. They've not fully experienced them, resolved them, and dealt with them,
and they just want to be in a new relationship just to tick the box, just to say that they
have "gotten over their ex."
Clay Andrews: I mean, they're not really over you, but oftentimes
people think that if they do what someone would do if they were over their ex, that
it must mean that they're over their ex, but obviously, it doesn't work that way. Just
being in a relationship with someone else doesn't mean that you are over your ex. Tangent.
Okay. But, if your ex is in a rebound relationship, it's probably not going to be a super healthy
dynamic. They don't have the complete emotional capacity that they ideally would if they're
going to be in a fresh relationship with someone else, because they're still dealing with emotions
from the breakup.
Clay Andrews: To a certain extent, they're actually emotionally
unavailable, just due to the fact that they're still being bogged down by these emotions,
whether they admit it or not. And also by definition, the person that they end up in
that rebound relationship with is also a little bit emotionally unavailable, as well too,
because emotionally unavailable people tend to attract emotionally unavailable people.
Generally speaking, emotionally available people can sense that someone else is emotionally
unavailable and they say, ´"Hey, this doesn't feel right. I'm going to not date you, and
I'm going to date someone else who is emotionally available."
Clay Andrews: They may not ... I mean, it's not like emotionally
available people say like, "Oh yeah, you're emotionally unavailable." Maybe they do if
they have done some research and understanding about relationships and things like that.
But usually, it's just, "Something doesn't feel right. This isn't for me." So, just know
that it's probably two emotionally unavailable people in a relationship with one another,
if your ex does end up meeting someone else while you're in no contact.
Clay Andrews: And of course, rebound relationships are plagued
with a lot of problems, psychological displacement, getting in over your head, two emotionally
unavailable people. When one or both of them start to actually become emotionally available,
they start to realize all the cracks and all the differences and all the incompatibilities
that they have with one another. And it can honestly be enough to drive that relationship
apart, which is why rebound relationships have a pretty poor track record in general.
Clay Andrews: With all that being said, I mean, if you think
you need to do no contact, do it. Okay? Don't let the fear that your ex might meet someone
else hold you back from doing no contact. Just go ahead and do it. I've seen so many
people just come out of at least active no contact, what we recommend, as opposed to
passive no contact, we've seen a lot of people come out of that in a much better place and
it allows them to connect with their ex in a much better way than if they had just stayed
in contact with their ex out of all of the fears and concerns and doubts that they might've
had prior to that.
Clay Andrews: If your ex does end up meeting someone else,
just know that you're going to be in a much better place to connect with them emotionally
on the other side of active no contact, anyway. I mean, I can't make any promises for passive
no contact, but on the other side of active no contact, you're going to be in a much better
place to connect with your ex, and that's going to really outshine most likely any sort
of emotionally unavailable connection that they might have with a rebound relationship
or a rebound partner or anything like that.
Clay Andrews: And so, again, your goal here, isn't to just
isolate your ex from any other romantic prospects so that they have no choice but to be with
you, that's a really scarcity-minded mindset. And I get it, because again, I've been there.
I've had that mindset before in the past. It's also a really depressing place to start
a relationship from, to get back together with someone from. It's like, "Well, you ain't
got any other options, might as well get back together with little old me." That's not a
great place to be in.
Clay Andrews: What you want to do is you want to actually
have the relationship that the two of you have be something that's so positive, so inspiring,
so motivating, so uplifting and rewarding that they intentionally would choose to be
with you over any number of other potential romantic prospects out there. It's not just
like, "Hey, there's no one else there for you, so you might as well get together with
me." That's not very inspiring.
Clay Andrews: So again, if you need to do no contact, by
all means do no contact. It's probably going to be better for you in the long run. If you
have done that reflection and you say, "Yeah, I think I need to take a step back here, focus
on how I'm bringing myself to interactions and work through my own emotions as need be
and all that stuff, and then we can go ahead and get back in contact," do it. Okay? Don't
worry if your ex is going to meet someone else or anything like that. Okay?
Clay Andrews: I hope this helped you out. Once again, if
you do like what we're doing here, hit that thumbs up button, you know it. And also, subscribe
to this channel, hitting that bell icon next to the subscribe button so that you can get
notifications when we upload new videos. And also, if you do want to check out that free
Facebook group, there's a link to it down in the description below this video.
Clay Andrews: Once again, thank you so much for watching.
If you do want to learn more about rebound relationships, we do have this video series
on rebounds over here, or on the other hand, if you'd like to check out this auto-generated
video from the YouTube algorithm, please go ahead and check it out over here. YouTube
thinks you'd like it a lot. Anyway, thank you so much for watching, take care, and I'll
talk to you in the next video.