I almost died this summer.
I really almost died this summer.
I, um– I was on the road.
Had a shitty sore throat.
Didn't think much about it.
Kind of turned into a cold, that kind of thing.
Uh, then I came home, and I got that same sore throat again.
So, I go, "Ehh, I'm home. I'll go to the doctor."
Which I never do.
So, I went to the doctor.
And, uh, he made me wait, like, a long time.
And I was going to go, like, "Oh, fuck this." But I stayed.
He looks down my throat, and he's like:
"We're going to the emergency room right now."
I had a– Like an abscess at the top of my...
windpipe, which is where your breathing comes from.
So, um, like, this abscess was either gonna grow another millimeter
and stop my breathing and I would die,
or it was gonna explode,
and it's filled with poison, and that would kill me.
Um...
Don't be scared. It's really rare. It's not going to happen to you.
- Unless it does, I guess. - [audience laughing]
But...
So, I had to go to the hospital.
And then, um, they put me under, like, a general–
Like a– Some sort of drug
just to chill me out before surgery.
And, like, unbeknownst to me,
they're telling my, uh, friend Amy and my boyfriend, Michael,
they're like, um, "This is a very dangerous surgery.
She might not make it.
You know, it's very risky." Blah, blah, blah.
Meanwhile, I feel fine.
And I'm just like, "I'm not high enough."
I was complaining that I wasn't high enough.
And I can tell you exactly what happened
because Amy had the utter distaste
to record this whole thing.
So...
[chuckles]
You just see me going like, "I'm not high enough."
And then they're like, "You're okay."
And then I proved to them that I wasn't high enough,
um, by explaining Brexit.
[audience laughing]
And it was very nuanced, and I had opinions.
It was, like, really perfect.
Like, you can hear the anesthesiologist go, like:
"Wow, she's right on."
And, um...
And then, uh, you see me, like, getting wheeled out.
And then, um, like, Michael and Amy couldn't come with me,
like, past the operating-room doors or whatever.
So, as I'm leaving, I said to Michael–
Which is something we like to do,
like if the elevator doors are closing or something:
"I wanna see other people."
And then...
[audience laughing]
And then the last thing you see
on the video is me looking into her phone
and going like,
"Play this in slow motion on my death reel."
So, um...
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] So, then I had this surgery.
And I lived. And, um...
But it was really– It was a rough week
because I have very low blood pressure, I guess.
And so, they couldn't put me to sleep for it.
And so, I had to have–
Once the surgery was done,
they put a breathing tube down my throat.
And then because it's human nature if you're awake
to pull something that's in your throat out,
they had to tie my hands down.
So, every time I would wake up,
I would go to pull this thing out of my throat.
And then I would see that my hands were tied down,
and then I just thought what anyone would think
in that situation, which is, "I've been captured by ISIS."
[audience laughing]
And it was so scary.
And then a sister would have to come to my side and be like,
"Sweetie, you're okay. You just had surgery.
They have to have your hand–"
You know, and then I would understand.
And then I would fall asleep, and a minute later I would wake up
and the whole thing would happen again.
And it was really scary.
It was a nightmare. I don't remember–
Like, I was awake, but I don't remember anything.
And there were a few funny stories.
Like, um...
I would be really itchy.
The medicine that was in me was so itchy.
But my hands were tied down.
And my sisters would fight with the nurses
to just let one hand free so I could scratch.
So, they finally did.
And, uh, it was...
like, I had an itch, like, just vagina-adjacent.
And I– It felt– It was, like, so much relief.
And then my friend John was standing in the corner.
And I guess– I don't remember this. I was told this.
I pulled my hand out
and then I, like, served it to John.
[audience laughing]
And then, another time, like, my hands were tied down.
And, um...
[audience laughing]
That I served it?
And then, um– He was like:
[huffing]
In my mind. I don't remember.
Oh, another time...
I was told, a nurse was in the room,
and I, somehow, like, even though I had no mouth or hands,
but I, like, made it clear to her, like,
it was an emergency.
I had to tell her something.
And they had given me paper and a pencil.
And I'm writing, and it's, like, so important.
And I finally finish, and then I show it to her,
and she looks, and it just says, "Do you live with your mother?"
With a picture of a dick.
[audience laughing]
And, I mean...
it's really proof that once your conscious mind is out of the way,
it's just, like, sheer comic genius.