- Sometimes, I just wanna sit down for five minutes
without wearing a waist trainer!
- Oh, this ho trying to take deep breaths?
- Yes!
- Breathe when you die, honey. Okay?
- Bitches, please.
♪ Why do you play so much ♪
♪ Boy, you got me ♪
- Every morning, I wake one hour early
to put on my Fenty highlighter
before my man wakes up.
I'm exhausted!
But I can't let bae see me with my bare face, you know?
- I've never bare-faced in front of a man.
I'm afraid all the athletes I date
wouldn't know what to do with a woman
who takes her cheekbones off every night.
- Consider this, hmm?
Do they even appreciate
that you put 'em on in the first place?
Moreover, is a partner who doesn't appreciate the cheek work
deserving of the cheek twerk?
- [Tina] Never thought about that.
That's good.
- Sydney, just sleep in.
Your face got this.
The baddest I feel is when my man
worships at the temple of my natural, flat face.
- I wish I could have a flat face all the time.
(yelps)
- Girl, what?
- Tina, let Mya finish.
Now what's going on under that lace front of yours?
- Well sometimes, I wish was not a bad bitch all the time.
Like, sometimes, I wish I was just a okay bitch?
(gasping)
- Oh!
Look who's here before 9:00 am!
- Well, well, god damn!
(ominous music)
(gasps) Are you okay?
Who did this to you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just don't have makeup on, okay?
I told you.
I knew you would do this.
- Oh, but I didn't know.
How could I have known?
Who would've known?
Oh, it was unknowable.
- Well, at least I saved an hour getting ready.
Besides, customers can't see me
through the phone. (phone rings)
Who cares?
Millstone Coffee Company,
how can I brew up an answer for you?
Sure, let me place you on a brief hold.
Girl.
You ever steal coffee?
I do.
Okay.
Okay, your shipment is on it's way.
(ominous music)
Oh, talk to you later, percolator.
- Oh, god damn, Shayla!
You look like you just walked out of an ICU.
- Okay, now see, that's just how you see me.
This is just my natural face.
- Then you explain how that natural IV's
hanging out of your natural arm?
- There's no IV!
(blood splatters) (screams)
- That's, ah!
- Now, shh, I'm trying to do my work.
I suggest you do the same.
(upbeat music)
- We got a few new members here today.
So let's start off with a little icebreaker.
State your name, where you're from,
and one positive thing you hope to get out of being
in a gang.
Young Blippity,
you first.
- Okay, um.
Hey, everybody.
My name Jess.
I'm originally from Houston.
But no, I don't know Beyonce.
(women laughing)
- Wild, you wild.
Wild.
- I'm just really happy to be here,
you know what I'm saying.
And I think that's it.
- Hol' up!
I asked to include a positive tidbit.
- Oh, my bad, um.
I'm just really trying to get back-
- No!
You were too busy being a comedian.
And since you don't wanna follow instruction,
I'm assigning your mark ass to the corner
of 3rd & Bonaparte.
- Aww.
- 3rd & Bonaparte? But that corner stay the shade.
I'll be cold.
- Pack a light jacket, buster.
Don't let this 401K fool you,
I'll still fuck you up.
- Okay, bet, blippity.
- (chuckles) Always come prepared, Father God,
thank you, thank you for blessing us with this food
that was so lovingly made, God
because I love a my wife! (laughs)
It's a Borat impression!
Yeah, oh, you know it?
That's good. Okay, cool.
'Cause I do impressions now.
So I'm just, here's Meghan Markle.
"'Ello, I'm Meghan Markle."
(laughs) 'Cause she British.
Now, hey, who else has an impression?
Just yell one out.
- Diana Ross!
- Barack Obama, I got you.
"Uh, Michelle.
Uh, Malia. Uh."
- You ain't slick!
- Do you ever notice
how Deacon John look like- - You ain't slick!
Garrett Morgan?
- You talking about you don't do standup comedy,
you come up in here, do an impression.
Everybody turn to your neighbor, say, "Keep your day job."
- [Congregation] Keep your day job!
- I been Keisha, good night.
- You know what?
This ain't even Sunday, I don't need this, shoot.
(upbeat music)
- Whew.
- Hey, girl.
(chuckles)
- Oh, black girl magic for real.
- Right?
- I know. (chuckles)
(judge sighs)
- Well, good morning.
God is good.
- All the time.
Amen.
- Apologies for my tardiness, your honor.
My client was stuck in a revolving door.
What in the baby hair?
- It's a black lady courtroom!
- Black lady courtroom (claps).
- [Together] Black lady courtroom.
(clapping)
Black lady courtroom.
- Okay.
- Black lady-
oh.
- [Client] Mmhmm, yeah, y'all shouldn't be dancing.