(gaming music)
LIBBY: Wow, is this best the Catholic Church
has on dating advice?
KAI: We've got a lot of work to do, Libby.
LIBBY: We?
(upbeat music)
KAI: Welcome to Catholic Central. I'm Kai.
LIBBY: And I'm Libby.
So, Catholic dating.
How are we supposed to do it?
KAI: What does dating even mean?
LIBBY: And why is it often so awkward and weird?
KAI: Today, we'll look at some wisdom
we can find in the Catholic tradition
and how it might be able to help.
LIBBY: But first, what do people mean when they say dating?
KAI: The answer is, there is no real answer
and that's part of the problem.
LIBBY: Up until our moment in history,
each culture had pretty specific customs
when it came to courtship and marriage.
Good or bad, at least everyone was on the same page.
In 2016, there were 110 million singles in the US,
but no common social script or understanding
of how to do dating.
KAI: Dating situations can become like
a trip to the emergency room.
You're not sure what you're even doing there
and you're kind of afraid to find out.
LIBBY: Then there are the specifically Catholic problems
SINGLE LIBBY: Ugh, why won't any of these guys ask me out?
All I want is a good Catholic marriage.
SINGLE KAI: Well, I'd ask that girl over there out
but I don't know if her credit's good enough
to cosign on a mortgage.
What about that guy?
He's looking your way.
SINGLE LIBBY: Yeah, I need to marry someone with green eyes.
What about that girl over there?
She's smiling at you.
SINGLE KAI: Oh yeah but, see, I'm friends with friends
with two of her friends,
so if she says no, I'll never see them again,
and they're the best Frisbee golf players I know.
SINGLE KAI AND LIBBY: And what if there's something better out there?
KAI: So, everyone knows their problems.
What are the solutions?
LIBBY: One, be intentional.
KAI: But not too intentional.
LIBBY: Catholics essentially see dating
as what you have to do in order to get married.
So, if you can't see yourself marrying someone,
ask yourself why you wanna date them.
KAI: On the other hand, we can't get so freaked out
by potential far off events that
we can't make any decisions.
Jesus Himself said,
"Do not worry about tomorrow;
tomorrow will take care of itself."
LIBBY: There are a lot of things you can learn about yourself
and others when you're dating,
so look for those and don't try to guess the ending
before you even begin.
SINGLE LIBBY: Hey, guys, I mean, I totally understand
the whole not overthinking it part
but I met this great guy at Church
and I think he would make a great father
and he asked me out for coffee and,
what does it mean?!
LIBBY: It means he wants to have coffee.
KAI: One date doesn't mean you'll get married.
SINGLE LIBBY: Fine, yeah.
LIBBY: Well, it also means that
he wants to get to know more about you.
KAI: Take it step by step.
If you like him, keep going out with him
without assuming he's probably your future husband.
You can always reassess if you spend time with him
but don't see a future with him.
LIBBY: And that brings us to number two,
don't use people.
KAI: Catholics believe that all people have dignity and worth.
We all have to learn to respect people
because they are people,
not because they can do something for us,
either physically or emotionally.
LIBBY: Preventing that icky I've been used feeling
is the most basic reason why
the Church teaches that sex should be saved for marriage.
KAI: If you make it a point not to use people
throughout the whole dating process,
it won't be as scary or painful to end it.
Let's face it, even the best relationships do end
or at least change once, you know,
one of you kicks the bucket.
LIBBY: Well, that brutal honesty leads us to number three.
Be honest.
KAI: We need to be honest with ourselves and others
about what we think is going on
and what we want.
LIBBY: As Jesus tells us, "Let your yes mean yes
and your no mean no."
KAI: Human beings are great at being selfish,
and dating is no exception.
LIBBY: There are so many reasons
for wanting to be with someone
that might not be healthy,
and that brings us to number four.
Be healthy.
KAI: We all have bad habits,
not to mention wounds from childhood, past relationships
and bitterness from getting our names spelled wrong
on our coffee at Starbucks.
But it isn't productive to blame others
for our unhappiness.
LIBBY: You know, Neil Clark Warren, the founder of eHarmony
says that, "Finding the right person
starts with being the right person."
KAI: Ultimately, another person is going to
fall in love with the person you are.
LIBBY: So if there are a few things you could improve in,
focus on healing what might be holding you back
and developing your gifts and talents.
KAI: If you don't know who you are,
you can't look for someone truly compatible.
SINGLE KAI: So yeah, I started dating this girl
and I just admitted to myself that
I don't actually enjoy talking to her.
But, she checks off all the boxes.
You know how long I've looked for someone
who checks off all the boxes?
Long time, I can tell you that much.
KAI: So, that's an excellent example
of why not to be in a relationship with someone.
LIBBY: Just because you think someone is perfect on paper
doesn't mean that you're meant to be together,
and getting married is not going to
magically fix all of your problems,
or even any of them.
KAI: Walking away might be one of the hardest things to do,
but this actually takes us to
one of the most important guidelines for dating.
Be vulnerable.
LIBBY: Catholics follow in the footsteps of people
who've stared down lions without complaining,
yet we are terrified to look someone in the eye
and tell them how we feel.
KAI: In the Theology of the Body, Pope Saint John Paul II
says that we all want to be seen.
Vulnerability is hard,
but it makes it possible for us
to have our deepest desires fulfilled
in a way that nothing else can.
LIBBY: Lastly, be careful not to dwell on singlehood
like it's a curse
or make marriage into an idol.
Obviously it can be really hard.
SINGLE LIBBY: (laughs) I mean, my biological clock is not slowing down
and like, all my friends are already married
and having babies, you know?
So here I am, eating donuts!
LIBBY: And that can be a really difficult cross to bear,
but there are so many things you can do as a single person
while your married friends are back home changing diapers.
KAI: Catholics believe that every person
is born with a brand new, never before seen soul
and so each person will have a unique path.
LIBBY: If you look at the saints, the fact that
they had such different lives from everyone else
is precisely what made them who they were.
KAI: So you can't let yourself get sucked into
comparing yourself to others,
it'll leave you depressed and unable to see the good
in everything you do have,
and even what God might be calling you to do.
LIBBY: Singlehood and dating can be messy and lonely and awful,
but the silver lining? It's not more messy, lonely and awful
than being in a bad relationship.
KAI: Each stage in life has its own joys and suffering.
LIBBY: Learning to be happy with yourself and your life
is a really valuable skill
no matter which stage you're in.
KAI: And is yet another thing that
makes ending things when you need to easier.
LIBBY: Right.
If you're happy with who you are,
it's easier to remember that
rejection doesn't say anything about your value.
KAI: There are thousands of reasons why
it might not work out the way we want it to with someone,
but none of them have anything to do
with whether either of you are worthy of love.
LIBBY: So, to recap, get out there,
work on yourself, reveal the depths of who you are
and never doubt your worth.
No big deal.
KAI: It might sound like a lot,
but doing dating this way can help you find someone
and actually enjoy the process while you're at it.
LIBBY: On that note, I'm Libby.
KAI: And I'm Kai.
Check out our website, catholiccentral.com,
for more resources on Catholic dating.
LIBBY: From all of us here at Catholic Central,
have a good date.
(upbeat music)
- Libby, no, no, no, no, no, no...
- I just, it's a lot.
- She's very emotionally stable ordinarily,
so gentlemen- - Wow!