An executive from the vegan burger company Beyond Meat
was arrested after a fight
in which he allegedly bit another man's nose.
Which, goddamn,
when vegans have a cheat day, they really go hard.
They go hard.
In health news, the FDA has officially warned people
not to do a TikTok trend called the NyQuil Challenge,
which is where people are cooking chicken in NyQuil.
(groaning, laughter)
And, I don't know, I mean, this sounds fake to me.
But if it's not, why would you stop it?
Huh?
White people are finally seasoning their chicken.
That's a win.
Let them do it.
Let 'em go.
(applause)
Oh, and in international news,
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is facing criticism
after a video circulated showing him
singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" at a London hotel
two nights before the queen's funeral.
Yeah. Yeah, people-people are saying it was disrespectful.
And-and they're right.
Right? You-you don't...
don't sing a song by Queen when the queen has died.
That's insulting. You sing Wu-Tang.
It was her favorite group.
No, but, seriously, I-I don't get why people are so angry
about this. Who cares? It's not like he sang...
♪ Another one bites the dust. ♪
You know?
People are too sensitive.
But let's move on to some of the bigger stories of the day,
starting with a criminal case
that was probably in your ears every Thursday morning
back in 2014.
A judge in Baltimore today overturned
the murder conviction of Adnan Syed,
whose case was featured in the hit podcast Serial,
and ordered his release from prison.
Syed, now 41, walked out of the courthouse
after spending more than two decades behind bars.
NEWSWOMAN: In vacating the ruling, the judge found
that the original prosecutors did not turn over evidence
to the defense that could have helped Syed.
And evidence uncovered since would have added
"substantial and significant probability
that the result would have been different."
The decision to vacate Syed's conviction
came down just hours ago.
And tonight, he's back home with family.
And as you can see in this video,
one of the first things he did is go right for the fridge
and dive into some leftovers.
I'm sorry, this-this is an insane story.
This guy was sentenced to life in prison.
Then, years later, a podcast brings attention to his case.
And now, after 22 years locked up,
he gets to go home.
And I know-- I know people are celebrating this,
and I understand why, but I'm gonna be honest with you--
I find it weird that America confuses fixing a mistake
with a happy ending.
You know what I mean?
Be like, "Good news! We got out of Afghanistan."
"Why were you there in the first place?"
"Good news! We got emergency water to Jackson, Mississippi!"
"Why do you need emergency water?"
"Good new, we took all the pink slime out of the meat."
"The pink what now?"
(laughter)
And so yes, happy but come on, people, you know?
Also, I will say it was heartwarming though
to see him back home with his family
eating leftovers, you know?
Yeah, no, just because knowing families,
there's probably one uncle who's like,
"Who the hell ate my leftovers?
I know did you 20 years, but I was saving that."
(laughter)
But can you imagine that that guy was in prison
since the year 2000.
Think about all the things he's missed out on. Huh?
He's gonna be chatting to his friend like,
"Oh, man, I'm so excited to be free.
Let's go to an R. Kelly concert."
They'll be like, "Ah...
Got some bad news."
"Yeah."
But this does raise a big question, right?
What does it say about America
that it takes a podcast to help free a man from prison.
Because what I think it says
is that either America needs to reform its justice system
or podcasts need to become part of the justice system.
Yeah, think about it, think about it.
Everyone hates jury duty, but everyone loves podcasts.
So maybe we get rid of juries
and just have everyone in America listen to the podcast
and then they all vote-- it just becomes a nationwide jury.
They're paying attention.
-They actually care. -(applause and cheering)
Yeah, because this is something I've realized.
If you add entertainment, Americans are always interested.
Like, nobody wants to sit in a courtroom.
(groans) Ah...
But people have watched 700 seasons of Law & Order.
Sometimes during jury duty.
Like, "This is boring, I'm going to watch more Law."
Think about it, if the trial was a podcast,
everybody wins, right?
Justice is served, jurors are on board
and best of all, everyone gets to go home with a promo code
for a shirt that you don't have to tuck in.
(laughter)
Now here is the thing, the full story is this:
It wasn't just the podcast that helped free Syed.
What happened was Syed got lucky enough
that his case came up for review to a prosecutor
who used to be a public defender, all right?
And that prosecutor dug through the case files,
deeper than she had to,
and found all sorts of problems with the original prosecution.
So she asked the judge to vacate the conviction and let Syed go.
Yeah, and they did this while they decide
whether or not to put him on trial again.
But remember, the prosecutor didn't have to do any of that.
She could have just said "Uh, yeah,
maybe it wasn't a completely fair trial but tough shit."
But no, she said no.
"If we're going to put somebody in prison,
it has to be without any doubt."
And that shows you the difference
between a justice system that wants justice
versus a system that just wants to put people in prison.
This prosecutor is like those employees in the shoe store
who offer to check in the back when they don't have your size.
You know what I mean?
Where they actually go, "Let me check..."
As opposed to those employees who are like,
"Sorry, man, I ain't got your size."
You're like, "Can you check in the back?"
They're like, "No, it would be better if you just
chop off your feet, I'm not going to lie."
Get more people like that.
But let's move on to some news about climate change
'cause no matter what else is going on,
climate change is still happening.
Yeah, the ice caps are melting.
Uh, it's not like they're like,
"Oh, damn, did you see that Adam Levine story on TikTok?
I'll melt later because you got to check this out."
No, the climate change is still getting worse.
And it doesn't mean that it's gotten worse
for everybody, though.
In fact, in Mexico the effects of climate change
have created business opportunities for drug cartels.
NEWSWOMAN: An investigation by Vice News has found
that Mexico's notorious Sinaloa drug cartel is now
in the water business.
After a major drought dried up lakes and rivers
across Northern Mexico,
the cartel began siphoning off anything that remained
and selling it to farmers and businesses.
In some cases they even hijacked water trucks at gunpoint.
Yeah, you hear that?
Drug cartels are running water now.
Controlling the water.
We laughed at the Fyre Festival guy, but sooner or later
every one of us is gonna be sucking (bleep)
for a bottle of Poland Spring.
'Cause here's the thing-- just because climate change
happens gradually doesn't mean it's not a crisis.
All right, people watch Mad Max and they're like,
"Oh, that's a bit unrealistic."
But remember, that's not day one.
It didn't start like that.
Immortan Joe didn't roll up into the office like that.
It was gradual.
And if drug cartels are now gonna be selling water,
that means now we have to be worried
about whether or not it's pure.
Yeah, for all we know, they're gonna start cutting it
with, like, like, urine or-- yeah-- or even worse, Dasani.
You never know.
And if you're not disturbed
about what's happening in-in Mexico,
you should be because water is a resource, people,
it's a resource that everyone needs to survive.
It's not something that should be controlled by drug cartels.
That's Nestlé's business,
and Sinaloa is stepping on their goddamn turf, pendejo.
(chuckles)
Speaking of climate change,
as the world tries to become more green,
one of the major challenges has been airplanes, right?
The problem is, it's hard to make them green
and we need them, we use them for everything.
You know, shipping products, people,
you know, dragging giant signs across the sky
so people know that there's a mattress sale.
Without planes, how are you ever gonna join
the mile high club, huh?
Have you ever tried to smash in a hot air balloon?
The splinters get everywhere.
Plus that old man is judging you the whole time.
"Well, you paid for an hour,
so you still got 57 minutes left, kid."
(puffs twice)
So the truth is, we're gonna have to get serious
about fighting climate change,
even if it means taking some big swings,
which is why Air Canada has made an exciting new announcement.
NEWSMAN: Air Canada is buying electric planes
for the first time.
It is purchasing 30 battery- powered regional aircraft
from Heart Aerospace, a Swedish company.
The planes can carry up to 30 passengers
and will generate zero emissions.
Now that's what I'm talking about, people.
Electric planes-- cleaner, efficient, quieter.
So now you will really be able
to hear the baby crying behind you, you know?
Like, "Oh, that's what they are saying."
I don't know about you, but I'm excited for this, you know?
Like, I can't wait to fly on maybe the second
-or third one they make. I... -(laughter)
Yeah, like, let them fly for a year, and then I'll jump on.
I won't jump on immediately. I mean, like, here's the thing.
They won't even let us fly with a big battery on a plane
'cause they're scared it'll burst into flames,
but now the whole plane is just a big battery?
-You want me to be comfortable with that? -(laughter)
-I'm just saying. -(applause)
I got to know.
Maybe we just make everything on the ground electric first
before we do it in the sky.
It's going to be dope when you think about it, you know?
'Cause once electric planes are going, it's gonna be easy.
You just leave them plugged in, charging at the airport,
and boom, zero emissions.
We should also prepare ourselves, though,
for that occasional flight when we find out at 30,000 feet
-that the plane wasn't fully charged because... -(laughter)
Yeah, because the plug did that thing where it just hangs off.
(laughter)
You know when the plug does that?
Now you're on four percent.
Pilot's just like, "Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
-does anybody have a portable charger?" -(laughter)
I'm joking. That's not how technology works.
Come on, people.
If the plane gets low on battery,
you just put it in airplane mode.
-Problem solved. Come on. -(laughter)
All right, finally, finally...
(applause and cheering)
Here's a story...
Here's a story I have to share with you guys
because I can't tell if it's amazing or terrifying or both.
Like, how many ants do you guys think there are on Earth?
Huh? A billion?
A trillion?
Well, it turns out you're way off.
NEWSWOMAN: And The Washington Post reports
scientists calculated how many ants are on Earth.
And they say the number is unimaginable.
Scientists from the University of Hong Kong
analyzed hundreds of studies and concluded
that there are nearly 20 quadrillion ants
burrowing around the planet.
Uh, there are about two and a half million ants
for every person.
Wow.
20 quadrillion ants on the planet.
I heard that news today, and I was like "What?"
That doesn't even sound like a real number.
Sounds like what I'd make up
if someone asked me how many ants there are on the planet.
I'd be like, "I don't know. Like, 20 quadrillion."
But, no, an actual scientist has counted them all.
(laughter)
And I mean, that's the person I feel bad for. Yeah.
'Cause they were probably like, "17 quadrillion... and 35.
17 quadrillion and 36."
Was like, "Hey, Sam, you want to grab a coffee?"
"Ugh! I was in the middle of something!
-Oh, one, two, three." -(laughter)
And you heard what they said.
They said this number means there are 2.5 million ants
for every person.
-And that's really bad news. -(laughter)
-Yeah, 'cause I can fight like, 20 ants, tops. -(laughter)
After that, I'm leaving the picnic.
All right, that is it for the headlines,
but before we go to a break, it's time to check in
on all the latest social media trends
with our very own Ronny Chieng, everybody!
(applause and cheering)
Ronny Chieng!
-Look at that face. -(applause and cheering swell)
Look at that face.
RONNY (groaning): Oh.
Hey, Trevor. Hey, how's it going, man?
What's happening online, Ronny? How's it going?
Online? Oh, it's... it's, uh... it's (bleep) terrible.
Uh, been reading all day, and it feels like
someone's been taking a sledgehammer to my crotch,
and, uh, not in a fun way. You know what I mean?
Uh, but other than that, I'm doing pretty good.
Uh, I'm excited for fall, uh, Halloween's coming up, right?
I'm probably going to dress up like a cat.
Uh, meow, meow, meow.
Right? So, uh-- (clears throat) Anyway,
uh, so, as you know, uh,
the big dumb trend of the day is happening on TikTok,
uh, where people are cooking chicken with NyQuil,
otherwise known as chicken à la Cosby.
And, um...
my question is...
why are people complaining? Okay?
This might be the best TikTok challenge yet.
I mean, dumb teenagers are gonna eat this,
get sleepy and then what? Go to bed.
Where's the downside?
And everyone's like, I know, looking at this going like,
"Ugh, that's disgusting. Ugh! Who could eat this? It's gross."
Guys, this isn't even close
to being the grossest food I've seen in America. Okay?
Let me tell you, I eat in a middle school cafeteria
twice a week, and that shit is inedible.
Right? You call those fish sticks?
Now-- (clears throat) For legal reasons, uh,
the party poopers, uh,
otherwise known as the lawyers, have said that
I cannot encourage anyone to abuse NyQuil.
So, for the record,
do not
eat delicious NyQuil chicken.
But the most annoying thing on the Internet today
is, uh, because of this Serial podcast,
everyone's espousing the benefits of podcasting.
All these people are trying to free other people from prison
using podcasts? Let me tell you something, okay?
Right now in prison, it's mostly Trump advisors
and January 6th rioters, okay?
So let's just think this through a little bit, okay?
Do you want to get the Capitol destroyed?
Enough already. Enough-enough with the podcasts.
Enough podcasting. It's gotten to the point
where every unqualified loser with a mouth and a microphone
has a podcast now. All right?
I mean, just-just look at this guy.
All right?
Look at this.
-Ronny-- -"New podcast episode
drops tomorrow!"
Okay, first of all, you don't drop a podcast episode. Okay?
This isn't a Kendrick Lamar album.
Also, On Second Thought-- oh, that's a really nice title.
Here's a third thought:
do you need a TV show and a podcast?
I mean, how much do you need to hear yourself speak?
And look at this-look at this pensive podcasting face here.
"Uh, I'm so serious. (mumbles)
Look at me being serious." This almost looks like
you freed someone from prison with your podcast.
Have you? Have you gotten anyone out of prison?
Free Steve Bannon, man. Free my boy Bannon.
Yo, Bannon, what's up?
Hang in there, we're getting you out.
And by the way, by the way, 20 quadrillion ants--
that's too many ants. All right?
Someone should get on that. Back to-back to you, Trevor.
(cheering, applause)
Thank you, um...
thank you so much, Ronny Chieng.