Alright, growing up I had this kid, that lived across the street from me
And his name was Zachary
And we didn't really like Zachary, okay?
He was kind of an asshole, he didn't really fit in with any of the other neighbourhood kids
"Hey, Zach, who was you favourite Power Ranger?"
"Uhm, I like Beetleborgs"
[crickets chirping]
"Woaw! You are a dumbass!"
He'd be the kid that would always try to kick the football, when you're playing catch
Even though he couldn't kick worth a damn, and it always was going in the middle of nowhere
"Alright, I'm gonna kick it!"
[Tyler from across the street] "DON'T KICK THE FOOTBALL!"
"KICK IT?!"
[Tyler from across the street] "NO, DON'T KICK IT!"
Okay, I'm kicking it! *thump*
- [Tyler] GOD DAMN IT!
And the kid would never swear
He wouldn't curse, he wouldn't do anything, which is good, I suppose
But it was the complete opposite for us, we'd be standing there like:
"Man, I was up all f*bleep*ing night, playing Punch-Out on the f*bleep*ing Nintendo!"
"And I couldn't get past that p*bleed*ass b*bleep*tch Piston Hondo!"
"Motherf*bleep*ker knocked my ass down seven f*bleep*king times last night!"
"F*bleep*king b*bleep*tch!"
"HohHOhoHOhohohH f*bleep*k yeah!"
But one day my buddy Tommy and I decided to go over to Zachary's house
Just.. just to see how the other side lives
So we go in his house, and we meet his mom
And the entire time I'm looking at all these pictures up on the wall
There're pictures of Zach and his family on vacation and..
Doing a bunch of cool shit
"Woaw, Zach! You were on an episode of Saved by the Belle?!"
"Ehrm.. His name is Zachary, Tyler, not Zach, okay?!"
"Call him Zachary!"
What the fuck?! Zachary? What the hell? What am I, his Grandmother?
Calling him by his full name and shit?
Yeah, whatever, weirdo!
"Then you can't call me Tyler, okay? Call me by my full name!"
"Uhm.. Ty..lando..saurus..Rex!"
"You got it? Tylandosaurus Rex! Uhm.. Junior!"
"That's my Christian name!"
So we go upstairs to look at his room
And he opens the door, and I swear to God
His goddamn bedroom is the best bedroom I've ever seen in my childhood life!
Dude had, like, every video game console, known to man
Here I am, playing the same crusty-ass Nintendo my entire life
And this dude's got a fucking.. PlayStation 4 in 1999
And he's got Pokemon cards coming out of every crevice in his room
Cards I've never ever seen in my life
"WOAH, DUDE! YOU GOT A GARYCOLEMANMON?!"
This dude's bedroom made Chuck E. Cheese look like a fucking.. meth lad in Kentucky
Me and Tommy are standing there, we can't believe our eyes
It's like the scene in Willy Wonka, where the kids see the Chocolate Factory for the first time
"Come with me.. and you'll be.. in a world of pure imagination.."
"Take a look.. and you'll see.. into your imagination"
It was a best day of my life!
And then Zach comes up.. I'm sorry, ZACHARY comes up to us
And he's like:
"Well, what do you guys wanna do? You guys wanna wrestle?"
"Hell yeah, we'll wrestle, you dumb ass! I'll be the Undertaker!"
"HoHohhh hHohOhhh! I'm gonna be Stone Cold!"
"Uhm.. I wanna be.. Perry Saturn!"
What?! Perry Saturn?! Who the hell wants to be Perry Saturn?!
Not even Perry Saturn wants to be Perry Saturn, Zach, what the hell is the matter with you?!
But we let it slide, and we all start wrestling, and things are going well
But then all of a sudden, something starts to smell like pee
And I look at Zach's pants, and something looks like pee!
"Duuuud! You peed your pants!"
*awkward silence*
"No, I didn't!"
"Yeah you did! You're swimming in piss right now!"
"Uhm.. I'll be right back"
And he just waddles off, like it's no big deal
And I'm like: "Tommy, what the fuck was that all about?!"
"HhhhoHhoho-Hohoh DUUD PEED HIS PANTS!"
"This is pretty fucking weird, dude!"
"We should probably leave, before he comes back in here and shits on the floor"
And that's what we did, we just left
Walked right past his mom and everything
"Hey, where are you going, Tylandosaurus Rex Junior?"
"You son pisses his pants, Debbie! We're outta here!"
"We've had enough of this circus show!"
*Door closes* And that was it
We never went over there again
That was a kid across the street for ya
And if you're sitting there like: "Uhh, I don't remember any kid like that, growing up"
Well, you probably were the fucking kid across the street!
With your Beetleborg love and football-kicking ass!
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