-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
♪♪
-Well, it seems like there's so much going on right now.
Tropical depression Henri is still hitting the Northeast,
WNBA champs the Seattle Storm
visited Biden at the White House,
the pumpkin spice latte is back,
and a woman found nuts and bolts in her Domino's pizza.
[ Laughter ] There's a lot to go over,
so let's just jump in and cover it all at once.
It's time for a "News Smash."
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪
First up, the WNBA champions the Seattle Storm.
[ Cheering and applause ]
They visited President Biden today, and get this --
they're the first WNBA team
to be invited to the White House since 2015.
[ Cheering and applause ]
It's a pretty big deal.
Speaking of storms that are a pretty big deal,
tropical depression Henri.
[ Laughter ] Over the weekend,
45 million people were under a tropical storm warning,
so, last week, things on the East Coast were hot and sticky
and, this week, things were just wet.
[ Laughter ] And if you want something
that's just hot, wet, and sticky, why not try
Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte?
[ Laughter and applause ] It's back.
Starting tomorrow.
Some people are excited, while others think
it's too early for pumpkin spice.
Either way, drinking one is way better than
eating a pizza covered in nuts and bolts.
A woman reportedly ate half of her Domino's Pizza
before finding them in her toppings.
Can you imagine digesting all that cheese and metal?
I mean, that would rock you like a...
hurricane that was [ Laughter ]
downgraded to a tropical depression.
Sure, it doesn't feel good to be demoted,
but keep your head up, Henri.
[ Laughter ] If you work hard and do your best,
you, too, can be the
Storm invited to the White House.
[ Laughter ] The team took pictures with the Bidens
and, of course, a lot of the players are taller than them.
And, if you want something tall, that's from Seattle, why not try
Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte. [ Laughter and applause ]
It's only five bucks for a tall.
So, it'll be on the house, if you
find nuts and bolts in it. [ Laughter ]
If that woman sues Domino's,
she could probably make a lot of money.
I bet she could even
make it rain. [ Laughter and applause ]
Henri broke the record for rainfall
in one hour in New York, which is nuts.
And bolts. [ Laughter ]
In conclusion,
OMG,
FYI,
PSL!,
FML.
[ Cheering and applause ] This has been a "News Smash."
♪♪
[ Whistling ] ♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you very much. Wow.
[ Applause ]
Here's some good news -- today, the FDA granted
full approval to Pfizer's COVID vaccine.
[ Cheering and applause ]
It's about time!
Their statement started with, "Hey, sorry, I just saw this."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was approved by the real FDA,
the Food and Drug Administration,
which is not to be confused with the fake FDA,
the Facebook Doctors Association.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah!
-Yeah, this is great news, although,
if it didn't get approved, I'm not really sure
what the options were.
[ Laughter ]
Pfizer store credit?
[ Laughter ]
Must be weird, working at the FDA.
One day, you're approving a lifesaving vaccine;
the next, you're approving new S'mores-flavored Oreos.
[ Laughter ]
Get this -- Which I don't believe is a real thing,
but, if it is -- -If it isn't, it should be.
-Yeah, I would -- yeah. I'd get the shot and the cookie,
yeah, both. [ Laughter ]
Get this -- the new name of the fully approved Pfizer vaccine is
Co-- Comirnaty.
[ Laughter ] Comirnaty, which sounds more
like a drunk person trying to say, "Community."
[ Laughter ]
[ Slurring words ] You can't arrest me.
I'm a valued member of the community.
[ Laughter ] [ Hiccough ]
[ Applause ] But the vaccine isn't
the only thing keeping the FDA busy.
They recently had to tell people not to treat COVID
with a drug that's given to animals with worms.
[ Laughter ] This is real. They tweeted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
Meanwhile, the people taking it are like --
[ Southern accent ] Laugh all you want, but I don't have COVID
and the worms are almost gone, so.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news --
well, due to his past offensive comments,
Mike Richards has stepped down as host of "Jeopardy!",
after just one day of filming.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, he was only the host for five shows.
Come on. Half the contestants last longer than he did.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, he's stepping down as host,
but he'll remain as the show's executive producer.
Not a great look on his résumé.
It's like having your jobs listed as Wendy's cashier,
Wendy's manager, Wendy's cashier.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, inspired by a recent TikTok trend,
a Domino's in Australia has unveiled
an unusual new menu item. Take a look at this.
-Domino's is getting inventive.
Their Australian account posted this video
of them creating a new summer-themed pizza.
The crust is actually made
of watermelon.
It's topped with tomato sauce and pepperoni.
[ Ewwing and laughter ]
Honestly, I'd rather have the pizza topped
with nuts and bolts.
[ Applause ]
Today, the U.S. intelligence agencies
finished their review on the origins of COVID-19.
Then, Americans said, "Hold that thought.
There's a new 'Spider-Man' trailer, y'all."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, after a version of the trailer leaked online,
Sony released the official teaser trailer
for "Spider-Man: No Way Home"
and it already has over 200 million views.
[ Murmuring ] Yeah, fans are going nuts.
People haven't been this excited
about a kid who lives with his aunt
since "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."
[ Laughter ]
In the trailer, Spider-Man visits Doctor Strange
and asks him to turn back time.
Then, President Biden shows up and asks for the same thing.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of new films, Netflix just announced
the release dates of 42 movies
that are hitting the platform by the end of this year.
[ Oohing ]
Even the Hallmark Channel was like,
"Maybe should just slow down a bit, you know?
[ Laughter ] Like quality over quantity," yeah.
42 new movies.
When they heard that, Disney+ said, "Crap.
Get some Avengers in front of a greenscreen, now!"
[ Laughter ]
Netflix also announced all their holiday movies.
-Whoo! -Yeah, they were like, "Okay, Starbucks,
we see your pumpkin spice latte in August
and raise you 'Single All the Way.'"
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, as I mentioned today,
the report on the origins of COVID was completed
and an unclassified version will soon be released to the public.
And, like everything with this pandemic,
I'm sure Americans will fully accept the truth
and it'll put all conspiracy theories to rest, finally.
[ Laughter and applause ] I knew it. I just know it.
It's really going to be great. -Yeah.
Case closed. -Yeah, the unclassified report
will come out in a few days,
or sooner, if Sony accidentally leaks it early.
[ Laughter ]
Some more COVID news -- I saw that Pfizer
is changing the name of their vaccine to Comirnaty.
[ Smattering of laughter ] Yeah, Comirnaty.
It's a combination of the terms
COVID-19, mRNA, community, and immunity.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. -Sure.
[ Laughter ]
Let see how that's going for everyone.
-The vaccine has been known as the Pfizer vaccine
and will now be marketed as "Co-mihr-nah-tee."
-"Co-meer-natty."
-Comirnaty. -"Comir-notty."
[ Laughter ] -"Co-meer- Co-meer-notty."
-"Co- Comir-netty."
-"Corma-- Corminot.
Comirna-tee."
-"Cuh-mare-uh-tay."
Well, I guess we'll figure out
how they're going to pronounce that.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
One anchor was like, "Formerly known as the
'Puh-fizzer' vaccine."
[ Laughter ]
Listen, if they really wanted people to take it,
they should've just called it White Claw.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, Pfizer announced that they're renaming
their vaccine Comirnaty,
which led to another interesting announcement.
Watch this.
-This year, Johnson & Johnson has been so proud
to offer its very own COVID-19 vaccine.
And today, we're even prouder to announce
its brand-new name...
[ Laughter ] That's right, the J&J vaccine
is now called the Pfizer vaccine.
Bye-bye, bad press.
Hello, rebrand.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] -That's interesting.
That's a good name.
It's a great name for it.
[ Applause continues ]
Well, this is going viral --
the other day, Rudy Giuliani was spotted
in the Delta Lounge at JFK,
shaving. [ Laughter ]
This is real. Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ] He's at the table.
He's at the table, shaving.
[ Laughter ]
Then, Rudy left to do a press conference
at Four Seasons Total Manscaping.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, get this -- I saw that Oscar Meyer
is teaming up with Lyft to surprise rideshare passengers
with the Wienermobile.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, if there's one thing everyone loves,
it's a giant wiener-related surprise, don't you think?
[ Laughter ]
It's a fun idea, until you have a job interview
and the Wienermobile shows up.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, speaking of hot dogs, a new study suggests
that eating one hot dog takes 35 minutes off your life.
Americans heard that and were like, "Yikes.
In that case, give me the double bacon cheeseburger."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Today, President Biden
held a meeting with the C.E.O.s of Amazon, Apple, and Microsoft
to discuss the growing threat of cyberattacks and data leaks.
They've got their work cut out for them,
because right before the meeting,
you could hear a voice say,
[ Russian accent ] "Ready when you are."
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, it was a good meeting, although Biden's at that age
where he puts the word "the"
before anything tech-related, like,
[As President Biden] "I order from the Amazon all the time.
I just type it into the Google."
[ Normal voice ] At 78, Biden might not seem
like the right guy to handle this,
but trust me, no one is better equipped
at stopping leaks.
-Ah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you.
Here's some big news.
Today, Johnson & Johnson announced that a booster shot
of their vaccine provides a robust increase in antibodies.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's kind of like Chef Boyardee saying,
"Our new sauce is robust in flavor."
Well, guys, if doctors aren't busy enough,
they're now dealing with the latest online trend.
Listen to this.
-There is another dangerous Internet challenge
that people should be watching out for.
-It's something called the Milk Crate Challenge.
Doctors warn it could land you on a trip to the E.R.
-Half of Americans said, "Of course,"
while the other half said,
"It's my choice, and I want to do my own research."
No. Don't do that.
Seriously, imagine surviving a global pandemic,
then having your family find out it's the Milk Crate Challenge
is what got you.
Some business news.
Today, OnlyFans decided to drop their plan
to ban sexually explicit content.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Rimshot ] -Wow!
Whole corner of them. -Yeah.
So, between this and the new "Spider-Man" trailer,
what a week for teenage boys.
You know what I'm saying? [ Cheers and applause ]
That's right -- OnlyFans will
keep allowing sexually explicit content.
Thank goodness, because without this,
who knows where you'd be able to find that stuff online.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, get this -- I saw that you can rent a vacation cabin
in Oklahoma that's completely decked out with Nerf toys.
Check this out.
-Ooh!
-Yeah.
Yeah, it's great if you're training your kid
to be the next John Wick.
It's like 30 guns.
And, finally, as part of their new fall menu,
Starbucks has added a new drink, the Apple Crisp Macchiato.
In response, the Pumpkin Spice Latte was like,
"Oh, it's on.
Let's go."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to some news, guys.
This week, in a company memo, the CEO of Delta Air Lines
refused to use the term Delta variant
and only referred to the virus by its scientific name.
I guess that explains why pilots have been saying,
"Welcome aboard. Thank you for flying B.1.617.2 Airlines."
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, he's afraid that if he says Delta too many times,
the virus will show up like Candyman.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, he's doing anything he can
to distance Delta from the variant.
Today, he said, "From now on,
our airline's pronounced Del-tay."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Delta is in a pretty weird situation,
but this is nice -- Another company just released
a message of support. Watch this.
-We sympathize with Delta CEO Ed Bastian.
Hang in there.
The only piece of advice we could offer is to be patient.
And before long, your company name won't be associated
with something so horrific.
-A message from Ebola Farms Baked Goods and Treats.
Put a little Ebola in your day.
-Yeah.
Ebola Farms.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What?
I love that bread.
-I love Ebola Farms. -Yeah, that's the best.
And they make bread. -Yeah. I didn't know that.
I just thought it was a farm.
-Yeah, you'd think it'd be a bakery.
You think it'd be Ebola Bakery or something.
-Got a bunch of pretzels, anything you want.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
Oh, my God. -Any type of carb?
-Any kind of carb, any kind of baked bread.
They got strudel.
Oh, delicious. Delicious. -Oh, strudel.
Guys, get this, a new report found
that nearly all U.S. government agencies
are using facial-recognition technology.
[ Audience groaning ]
Americans are like, "Whoa,
I don't want something scanning my face,"
and then went back to pulling down their masks
to unlock their phones.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, most U.S. government agencies
are now using some form of facial recognition technology.
But unfortunately, it's having a little trouble
correctly identifying people's faces,
and some can't even recognize members of Congress.
I'll show you what I mean.
For example, it thought Congressman Austin Scott
was the 40-year-old virgin.
[ Laughter ]
See what I mean? -Wow.
-They're not recognizing -- -Yeah, it's not working right.
-No, it's not working correctly. Next up,
it thought Congressman Dean Phillips was Doug Funnie.
-Really?
[ Laughter, applause ]
That's not even a real person.
-What? -That's a cartoon.
-I know it's a cartoon.
-Wow. This is not working well at all.
-Can we see that again just to make sure?
That's -- [ Laughter ]
It's not working. -Wow, it's not working.
You're right.
-Next, it thought Congressman Sam Graves
was that carnival game with the clown face.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-I mean, it's just totally not working.
-That's not good at all. -No, it's not good.
It thought Congressman Don Young was the owner of Jurassic Park.
[ Laughter ]
That's not even --
It's a movie. -Oh, my God. Richard --
-It thought Senator Roger Marshall
was Ross when his teeth got whitened.
-Oh, my goodness. [ Laughter ]
That seems ridiculous.
-It thought Congressman Brad Sherman was George Costanza.
-Wow. -And...
-Finally, it thought Congressman Derek Kilmer was Beaker.
And there you go. That's just --
They're working out some kinks.
[ Applause ]
This is a fun story.
I saw that a company is selling a miniature replica
of the rocket that took Jeff Bezos to space.
Here it is.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Chuckling ] Oh.
-Yeah. Yep, there it is,
anxiously awaiting to probe your galaxy.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Seriously, I don't even think you could show that on OnlyFans.
[ Laughter ]
-You think it's "hard" to get?
-What's that? -Is it "hard" to get, that --
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, a little --
-Little "hard" to get? -A little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Bet you have a "ball" playing with that.
Great. [ Laughter ]
-Think people have a "ball" playing with it?
-Yeah, fantastic.
Do you think his whole "staff" got together to --
[ Laughter ]
...to get that design down?
-Yeah, congrats to the whole "staff," yeah, I mean --
-This whole bit is a "fallacy." [phallus]
Let's move on. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Some entertainment news.
Netflix just released a documentary --
How can I even tell jokes after that? I don't know.
-Oh, my God. [ Laughter ]
-Netflix just released a documentary
about legendary painter Bob Ross
that claims to show the dark side of his life and legacy.
It's called "Bob Ross: Happy Accidents, Betrayal & Greed."
[ Laughter ]
Really, Netflix?
Do we really need this? -Aw.
-I mean, what's next, "Betty White: Secret Serial Killer"?
[ Laughter ]
Why?
Hey, get this. I heard about some grocery stores
in Pennsylvania that are all dealing with
the same unique issue. Check this out.
-Police in multiple counties are investigating thefts
at a grocery store, because someone is stealing
3-foot-tall Snoop Dogg bobbleheads.
Police aren't sure if the thefts are connected.
-When reached for a comment, Snoop said,
"Stop robbing my bobble, baby bubba."
[ Laughter ]
Stop robbing my bobble.
[ Laughter ]
Stop robbing my bobble, baby bubba.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
And finally -- [ Laughs ]
"Stop robbing my bobble."
-[ Babbling ]
-"Stop robbing my bobble, baby bubba."
Finally, a video from -- This is funny.
A video from the baggage claim at a Seattle airport went viral.
It shows a package of frozen chicken
coming around the carousel...
unwrapped. Look at this thing.
-Oh, my God!
[ People groaning, murmuring ]
-One guy grabbed it and was like,
"Oh, wait. These aren't my raw chicken parts.
Mine has a black handle.
Yeah, sorry."
Even worse, the KFC Colonel saw that and was like,
"Damn, they know the secret recipe.
We import our wings through Delta."