- So, what's up, for the next 10 minutes
you will have no problems, okay, just laugh with me.
(horse galloping) (twinkling)
(whooshes)
What up, everyone, it's your girl Superwoman
and I'm good at a lot of things,
grammar, math, but I'm not good
at being a consistently fit person
'cause I'm fit for like 10 out of the 365 days in the year
which is like 40%, I mean, to be fair,
it's much gooder than zero percent but not great
and usually during these 10 days I'm on a diet.
Let me b-b-break it down for you.
The 10 stages of diet grief, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
Stage one, this is an L.
Stage one, conception.
Now I like to pretend like my guilt
is a cup inside of me that is slowly filling
and I can ignore it for a really long time
but eventually it will start overflowing
and the tipping point usually
looks a little something like this.
("New Rules" by Dua Lipa)
♪ New rules, I count 'em ♪
♪ I got new rules, I count 'em ♪
♪ I gotta count them for myself ♪
- Oh, you know what, starting right now
I'm a be just like her.
Starting right now.
AKA seeing a hot person and realizing
that hot person is not me does not make me feel good
and in that moment I am convinced
that, yo, it's probably pretty easy to be like that person
which leads me to stage two, preparation.
So I've decided to go on a diet,
do I take baby steps, do I ease myself in, nope!
I'm a hit this diet with a bang
like I'm some sort of person with strong self control,
which is false, grocery shopping like.
(playful music)
(sighs)
Like, hoe, you know that carton of spinach
is gonna expire 90 seconds after you put it in the fridge,
who you playin'?
Just buying clothes that I know
are too small for me because they're fitspiration,
like, yo, they don't fit me yet but they will
in the near future.
Hi, I'll take these eight crop tops.
- [Cashier] Okay, this one is a kids size?
- Perfect, oh, and I'll take these booty shorts too.
And to be clear, I'm not talking about
like a healthy or rational diet, no, no, no,
count on me to make the worst choices.
(playful music)
(sighs) This diet sounds so easy.
- It says you can only eat raw onions.
- Okay but it says I can eat all the raw onions I want.
I'll literally never be hungry.
(sighs)
To be fair, if it's in a book, it's true
and magazines are just shiny books.
Stage three, broadcast!
What's the point of being on a diet
if you don't tell everyone about it?
(background chatter) (upbeat music)
- Yum, dig in.
- (sighs) Sorry I can't, (lowered audio) I'm on a diet.
- [Director] Sound?
- Um, my bad.
- I said sorry I can't, I'm on a diet.
I mean, if you don't tweet about being on a diet,
will you even lose any calories?
So you start your diet like some sort
of brave, courageous person,
you're basically a warrior, okay,
a warrior, (stammering) a warrior,
that will hit stage four very, very quickly.
Stage four, denial.
Now in the beginning stages of a diet,
you willpower is like a hunnit,
like, yo, it has been 30 minutes
and this is chill as F, this is gonna be so easy,
this is a walk in the park, this diet,
and not even like a cringe park,
like a really nice pleasant clean park
with zero pervy uncles, I'm in pervy uncle free clean park.
Except you're lying, this is actually horrible,
it's not clean at all, it's very dangerous
and, look, there's a pervy uncle there,
a pervy uncle there, what am I talking about again?
Oh, yeah, you're hungry but you're, but you're,
but you're in denial, what, go to the skit.
(playful music)
- Want some?
- Oh, is it made of pure raw onions
and or pure fried air?
- No.
- Then no, I don't want to taint my cleanse system.
Besides I don't even miss ice cream.
Onions are my ice cream now.
- Uh-huh.
(phone buzzing) - Oh, sorry.
I gotta take this.
(clicks) Hello?
Yeah, this is she, sorry.
Which leads to stage five, temper.
Eventually your diet will start
to crush your spirits and soul.
It's kinda like being possessed.
Actually, you know what, no,
it's worse than being possessed.
Now you're possessed and hungry, yeah,
at least Emily Rose got to eat
like spiders or humans or whatever the F.
As a result you'll probably
get judgmental and slightly angry.
- Dude, you okay?
(playful music)
- No, my iPod isn't working.
- Oh my god, you're losing your mind,
just eat some damn food.
- Never!
You're just jealous, okay,
because your skin doesn't look as fresh and sexy as mine.
Oh yeah my body is a temple.
I can't be like you eating that filth.
- Your breath smells terrible.
- Your breath smells like calories!
(yells)
Oh, what's that, sounds like stage six, envy.
Right about now, you are hating yourself
for making this stupid decision.
Like why the F would you voluntarily
give up delicious food, are you stupid?
And so you become jealous of everyone else
who is still happy that makes happy choices
and jealousy brings out the worst
and the creepiest in people.
Do you mind if I like watch you eat that burger?
- Uh, sure. - Really?
Okay, let me just play some music, hold on.
(upbeat jazz music)
Do you mind if I smell your hand?
- I'd rather you not, I--
- (sniffs) Oh, sweet baby Jesus, that double cheese--
- Please stop.
- Will you burp into this jar?
- Bye. - Please, please!
Or whatever, for the sake of my pride
I'm just gonna fast forward through stages seven to nine.
No, no, I want it!
(upbeat music)
Until you finally arrive at stage 10, the cracking point.
- Oh, wow, you look great.
The onions really do work.
- Oh, nah, girl, I stopped that diet.
Yeah, I was too hungry,
I'm just gonna make better choices from now on.
- I'm glad. - Yeah.
- Oh, you dropped something.
(sinister music)
What the F--
- So, yo, AKA, don't do this to yourself.
Be happy, be healthy, make smart choices.
Love you, go to the end cut, get out of here.
Get, get out, get, get, get, get, get out of here.
(booms)
Yo, if you liked that video, give it a big thumbs up
and check out my last videos right over there
like honestly you just watched this one,
you might as well watch another one,
what are you doing, second vlog channel's right over there.
If you've never seen it before, give it a chance
and make sure you subscribe
because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday
and I really want you to be here
or else this would be pointless, so yeah,
one love Superwoman that is wrap and zoop.