and by the way, I am a nerd,
I am not a geek.
I'm a nerd, not a geek
and what's the difference, you say,
between a nerd and a geek?
I actually have a Venn diagram
to show you.
(audience laughing)
I have lots of graphs
and charts, be prepared.
(audience laughing)
It takes three things to be a nerd.
You have to be smart,
socially awkward, and obsessed.
All three of those things.
You're just laughing at the chart, sir.
(audience laughing)
Clearly he's in marketing.
(audience laughing)
Smart, socially awkward,
and obsessed, you're a nerd.
Geeks, on the other hand,
tend to be just smart and obsessed.
They're just Star Trek geeks,
comic book geeks,
they go to conventions,
they go to public events,
not nerds. I'm not at a convention
unless I'm working IT support,
that's the only reason I'm there.
(audience laughing)
Up here, if you're smart
and socially awkward,
you're a dork
(audience laughing)
and we have all spent time
in the dork region
(audience laughing)
and if you're socially
awkward and obsessed
you're a stalker, see how that works?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I love to watch people try to figure
out where they are on my chart.
(audience laughing)
"I think I'm a dork stalker!"
(audience laughing)
So what does it mean to be a nerd?
'Cause I am a proud nerd.
There's couple of things you can tell,
first of all, when it comes
to formal wear,
if you're a nerd, we love cargo pants.
Yeah, people are with me.
I got my cargo pants
on right now, baby.
I got pockets everywhere.
I love cargo,
I have cargo underwear on,
that's how much I love cargo pants
(audience laughing)
and by the way, really big nerds,
really big nerds,
they're in cargo shorts.
(audience laughing)
People are pointing at each other,
"Oh yeah, Doug wears
"the cargo shorts."
(audience laughing)
And I defend cargo pants, I do.
I think they're superior.
My wife is horrified
that I wear cargo pants.
I did a cargo pant analysis, okay?
Here's a regular pair of pants.
That much is functional,
that—totally useless
part of the pant.
There is noth—
That right there, that
is a great pair of pants.
Look at that.
(audience laughing)
That's a great pair of pants.
Look at that.
You could—you could carry your
entire life in those pants.
You could keep an extra pair
of pants in a pocket of your pants.
You're prepared for anything.
What else does it mean to be a nerd?
We love charts. I love charts.
I love—I collect charts
and I like a chart that
really sums things up,
in like one visual experience.
The whole thing in one chart,
for example,
here's what's going to happen
if you're making
microwave popcorn.
Okay, here's the number
of edible pieces here,
on the y-axis and
on the x-axis is the time.
You're at one minute, two minutes.
No pieces have popped, right?
Very quiet, nothing happening
in the microwave.
At some point above two minutes,
you don't know exactly where,
all pieces are popped,
all pieces are burnt.
(audience laughing)
That happens every time, right?
Quiet, quiet—
pfff—they're all popped.
The bag is on fire,
the smoke alarm is blaring,
and your house will stink
for at least a week.
(audience laughing)
That is the experience
and that window of edible popcorn,
that is one nanosecond.
(audience laughing)
You do not stand a chance.
Some of my charts,
I don't know why they're true,
I just know from experience
that this is what happens.
This is my gym,
the locker room of my gym.
I walk in,
I am that blue dot right there.
I start to get changed.
Pretty much the minute
I get all my clothes off,
12 guys walk in and this
is where their lockers are.
(audience laughing)
Does that not happen
every single time?
(audience laughing)
Huge empty locker room,
I'm surrounded by
naked guys within seconds.
(audience laughing)
Defies probability,
that defies probability and
speaking of probability,
basic probability says
if you flip a quarter
a thousand times,
it'll land heads 500 times
and tails 500 times.
When in the standard deviation,
that's what will happen,
I guarantee it
and that will hold true for a quarter,
but not everything.
When my son was little,
he loved jelly bread.
(audience laughing)
If you drop a piece of jelly bread
a thousand times,
and parents know, you give your kid
a piece of jelly bread, it hits the floor,
it's not going to land jelly side up.
No, that's not as messy.
The messy way,
800 times out of 1000.
You get a break
200 times out of 1000, right?
Right, parents, right?
And that's on a kitchen floor, right?
If you have a nice rug, forget it.
You don't stand a chance.
(audience laughing)