(Anthony) I think that I was detrimental to my own career.
(Ian) SHUT UP!
(mumbling) Mmm, Usher...that good, yo?
Hey, Justin! Wake up, yo. Swag!
Who you is?!
Yo, chill, dawg. It's you from the past.
- You is? - Yeah, dawg!
I came back here to tell you that you're losing who you truly are.
You gotta go back and remake all your old songs
with nobody helping you write.
No Usher, no auto-tune, just Justin.
You know what? You're right, dawg. Let's do this!
Alright, here we go with a song.
(singing off key) Black!
I totally wish I was black.
Stop, yo!
Okay, so maybe you do need a little help.
That didn't sound very swaggy.
Hey, yo, dawg! You know I ain't never done nuthin' like this befo'.
I always just sit there and look pretty while everyone
does everything for me.
All you gotta do is think about the things that truly matter
to Justin Drew Beiber.
And maybe get a little auto-tune 'cause your vocals
kinda sound like sh*t.
(obviously auto-tuned) And ooh
I want to run all over the paparazzi
And ooh
Splatter them over the hood
of my $2,000,000 Bugatti.
Uh! That beat was slammin', yo!
Oh, by the way, I love the new short hair.
Thanks, yo! Your hair looks straight dumb.
(douchebag chuckle)
By the way, peep my next revenutionary song.
And I was like
baby
baby no
like
baby
baby ooh
Ho, ho, hold up!
We already made that song, yo.
No way, dawg. Now this song is literally about my love for babies.
They really cute, yo!
That's weird as f*ck!
But, uh, just give me the rest of the songs anyway,
'cause I gotta get back to banging Selena.
You can't lie to me, man! I know you ain't bangin' nuthin'!
Till at least three years later with that prozitute in Brazil.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Ten thousand bucks. - That's gross.
One time
cops came into my house
and found a bunch of weed.
Then I made my black friend
take the fall for me.
Sag my pants past my dick.
Oh yeah.
Past my dick.
Looks like I pooed in it.
Oh yeah.
Pooed in it.
As long as I'm wealthy
I'll never be starving,
never be homeless,
never be broke.
As long as I'm wealthy,
my toilet is platinum,
my toothbrush is rhino horn,
wipe my ass with gold.
I like to pee in buckets
and throw eggs at my neighbors.
Make kissy faces at the camera,
spit on my fans and haters.
I love Selena Gomez
but I love Brazilian prostitutes more.
Swaggy
I like to pee in buckets.
Aight, former self, I did everything you wanted.
What else you want me to do?
(evil laughter)
(in Irish accent) I'm not your former self, you blithering idiot!
I'm Niall from One Direction.
I merely posed as yourself so we could ruin your career
and One Direction could rule the world without you in our way!
Wait.
What you say you is?
I'm Niall from One D. Duh!
I-I'm the guy that's usually in the back that doesn't really sing much.
'Cause I'm probably the worst singer.
Niall!
Like a river?
Like the Nile that floats throughs Egypt and stuff?
Yo! I gotta river on my bed!
A river's right here in my bed!
Oh my god! I want you to go around the moat
around my mansion, yo! (laughs)
Hold on, uh...
you think I am a river?
Uh, no. My-my...
- I'm Niall. - Yeah!
It's not even spelled the same way!
That must pretty dope to be a river.
Oh, I'm sorry, a Nile. (chuckles)
I'm not a bloody river!!
Aight, so if you a river, where're all the fishermen
and the seamen and stuff?
Oooh, I get it.
You're taking the piss outta me!
Well, guess what f*ck head?!
I get enough of that sh*t from me mudder,
and I'm not gonna take that sh*t from YOU BLOODY WANKER!
(screams in frustration)
Whateva, river!
That river's weird, yo! (laughs)
- And I was like baby, baby, baby no! - Just Justin.
Now available for the low price of--ah, who are we kidding?
If you're a 12 year old girl, you're gonna buy this sh*t anyway.
Yo, my name's Justin Bieber and I approve this massage.
To get all of Justin's amazing new songs,
and a bonus never-before heard song,
click Justin's smoldering, ripped, sexy body and download it now!
And to see bloopers from this episode, and an extra Bieber music video,
On my neck, on my back, on my chest, on my ass!
A bunch of tattoos.
(laughter)
Click the video on the left.
And if you haven't subscribed yet, click
Justin's beautifully mustachioed face.
You won't be disappointed.
(breathily) Oooh, Justin.
[captioned by www.facebook.com/subtitleyoutube]