>> JEFF WITTEK: Um..
>> LELE PONS: Thank you so much for coming here today. It means a lot.
>> JEFF WITTEK: Yeah...we just met.
>> LELE PONS: Yeah, I know. I feel like you're the perfect guy.
>> JEFF WITTEK: I just met you yesterday.
>> LELE PONS: The thing is that I get really attached to boys easily.
>> JEFF WITTEK: What was your last relationship like?
>> LELE PONS: My last relationship...
>> JEFF WITTEK: It's cool you don't have to talk about it.
>> LELE PONS: It was October 3rd when I met him.
[MUSIC]
>> NOEL LEON: Oh my God. I love that you're a vampire.
I was totally team Edward. I love every single Twilight movie there was. I read all the books.
But honestly like I love it when people bite my neck. It's kind of sexy.
>> LELE PONS: Get away from me!
>> NOEL LEON: Edward and the-
Hey!
>> JOHANN VERA: What's up Chula?
>> LELE PONS: Are you looking at my boobs?
>> JOHANN VERA: Hey! I wasn't looking at your tata's. I was looking at your-
>> MALE CHEERLEADER: What's up? Trying to smash?
>> JOHANN VERA: Listen to the sound of my voice: she's mine.
>> LELE PONS: I hear everything you're saying.
>> JOHANN VERA: Now get out.
[BLEEP]
>> MALE CHEERLEADER: What the [BLEEP] did you just say to me bro?
>> LELE PONS: Oh!
Does this hurt?
>> JOHANN VERA: Aye [BLEEP]
No.
>> LELE PONS: Well I like your costume.
>> JOHANN VERA: This is a costume party? Aye [BLEEP].
>> LELE PONS: You're gonna say you're a real vampire?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
>> JOHANN VERA: I have to tell you something. I'm a real vamp-
>> BERNINA: Hey! I have to take a [BLEEP].
>> JOHANN VERA: Bernina! I'm about to tell her I'm a freaking vampire! Get out!
>> BERNINA: Where's the bathroom? >> JOHANN VERA: You come here with your diarrhea and [BLEEP]. Don't eat Doritos!
BERNINA: Oh yeah.
>> JOHANN VERA: So...
>> LELE PONS: You're a real vampire?
>> JOHANN VERA: Yes.
>> LELE PONS: Do you want to be my boyfriend?
>> JOHANN VERA: Can I suck you?
>> LELE PONS: No.
>> JOHANN VERA: Okay.
>> LELE PONS: And that's how we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
>> JEFF WITTEK: Yeah, he sounds like a [BLEEP] demon.
>> LELE PONS: You're a [BLEEP] demon. I'm just kidding.
No, no, no. He's awesome.
>> JEFF WITTEK: Were his parents normal?
>> LELE PONS: Oh his parents? Oh, they're super normal.
Hey guys!
>> VAMPIRE MOM: Oh! Good evening!
>> LELE PONS: What's up?
>> JOHANN VERA: You know we can't come in if you don't invite us.
>> LELE PONS: Oh, this is my dad.
>> VAMPIRE DAD: He looks yummy!
>> ANTONIO RAMOS: Who said that?
>> VAMPIRE DAD: Me.
>> ANTONIO RAMOS: Oh!
>> LELE PONS: Aye, aye Papa!
>> ANTONIO RAMOS: Oh, I look yummy? Boy I'm a boxer! I go all the way up!
>> LELE PONS: Papi! Papi! Papi.
Can you let them in please?
>> ANTONIO RAMOS: Oh! You should have said something.
I'm sorry, my manners.
Hold on.
>> JOHANN VERA: Oh, immortals!
[VAMPIRES LAUGHING]
>> ANTONIO RAMOS: Hi baby. Who hurt you?
It's my pride and joy.
>> VAMPIRE DAD: Yummy.
>> LELE PONS: He's had him since he was 1.
>> ANTONIO RAMOS: Go play.
>> LELE PONS: So, what do you guys want to drink?
>> VAMPIRES: Bloody Mary.
>> MOM: Oh, I will get it!
>> LELE PONS: No, no! Never mind.
>> MOM: I want to say thank you for coming to the dinner.
And I appreciate-
>> ANTONIO RAMOS: Ya, ya, ya. Where is the dog?
Sangre! Sangre!
[VAMPIRE DAD BURPS]
[ANTONIO RAMOS SCREAMING]
>> LELE PONS: Yeah, my dad didn't like him at all.
>> JEFF WITTEK: So, what did you dump the guy?
>> LELE PONS: No. No, not exactly.
Well, we got married.
>> JEFF WITTEK: Wait, how old are you?
[MUSIC]
[JOHANN VERA SCREAMING IN SPANISH]
>> JOHANN VERA: That [BLEEP] burns!
>> LELE PONS: Come on!
Come in!
>> JOHANN VERA: No, no, no baby. I can't go inside, that's a church. No, no. >> LELE PONS: Why do you have to be the devil, huh?
>> LELE PONS: Why?
Hey! What else do I need to know?
>> JOHANN VERA: Well, I always have vampire hunters trying to kill me.
>> LELE PONS: What?
>> JOHANN VERA: You feisty.
>> LELE PONS: Ven acá!
Come in here!
Are these the guys that were bullying you?
>> JOHANN VERA: Yes.
>> LELE PONS: For how long?
>> JOHANN VERA: For like 5,000 years.
>> LELE PONS: So you guys suck at your [BLEEP] job.
[VAMPIRE HUNTERS LAUGH]
>> VAMPIRE HUNTER: Well we're gonna kill you now.
>> JOHANN VERA: But you know normal bullets don't kill me, right?
>> LELE PONS: Ha! They can't kill him!
>> JOHANN VERA: I told you! I told you!
>> LELE PONS: Woo!
>> VAMPIRE HUNTER: But, we can kill her!
>> JOHANN VERA: Oh [BLEEP], I don't know about that.
>> LELE PONS: [BLEEP]
>> JOHANN VERA: Go!
[ALL SCREAMING]
>> LELE PONS: Yeah, never mind. We never got married. No, no, no.
>> JEFF WITTEK: So you move very quickly, huh?
>> LELE PONS: Yes, but that's the beauty of it.
>> JEFF WITTEK: You guys never fought?
>> LELE PONS: Oh. Oh yeah. We fought, a lot. Yeah.
I am sick of this! Do you know how hard it is to date you? Hello?
>> JOHANN VERA: What?
>> LELE PONS: Okay, first of all, you never sleep.
And if you do sleep, you sleep upside down.
Wake up!
>> JOHANN VERA: I have ???, I can't breathe.
>> LELE PONS: Okay! What about your fridge?
>> JOHANN VERA: What?
>> LELE PONS: What the [BLEEP]?
It has no food, only an arm.
>> JOHANN VERA: That [BLEEP].
>> LELE PONS: Oh my God.
Oh. Another thing, your friends are always watching us? Why?
>> WITCH: Who the [BLEEP] you talking to? Oh [BLEEP] no.
>> JOHANN VERA: What's up guys?
[HEADLESS GUY TALKING]
[JOHANN VERA LAUGHING]
>> LELE PONS: Are you talking to him?
[HEADLESS GUY TALKING]
>> WITCH: Yep.
>> JOHANN VERA: He says he wants to kill you.
>> WITCH: I'm gonna put you in the pot with your blonde [BLEEP].
>> LELE PONS: Oh you wanna put me in the pot? You wanna put me in the pot? >> JOHANN VERA: Put her in the pot.
>> JOHANN VERA: Put her in the pot.
>> WITCH: I'm a witch [BLEEP].
[JOHANN VERA LAUGHING]
>> LELE PONS: Girl, I'm gonna throw water at you!
>> WITCH: You wanna go?
>> JOHANN VERA: You tell them girl.
>> WITCH: Now.
>> LELE PONS: Well he still chooses me, right babe?
[JOHANN VERA GRUNTS]
>> LELE PONS: Knock it off!
[WITCH LAUGHING]
>> JEFF WITTEK: So, I'm guessing that's when you guys broke up.
>> LELE PONS: What? No. We never broke up.
>> JEFF WITTEK: What? So you're cheating on him?
>> LELE PONS: No, no, no, no, no. I brought you here because you're his lunch.
>> JEFF WITTEK: What do you mean "lunch"?
>> LELE PONS: Oh, I forgot to tell you...
My boyfriend's a vampire.