In addition to the pre-prepared art, we'd been making some ourselves.
James, for example, is keen to make a sculpture.
I've decided what I should do is de-construct the car,
literally, as you can see, and artistically.
And then rather than try and rebuild it as a sculpture that speaks about the car,
I'm going to do it as a sculpture that speaks about my emotions,
my feelings, when I drive a car, inspired to some extent by Picasso...
I think what you need to bear in mind is if you can get an artist,
somebody with frizzy hair and sticky-out teeth,
to say it's art, then it's art.
While James set to work on his big metal face...
Richard went off to create a modern day interpretation of Constable's Hay Wain.
Right...
Unlike Richard, I'm not very good at drawing,
because I didn't go to art school.
So, my painting will be done by this.
The 2005 Red Bull F1 car. Yep.
Its three-litre V10 will be my brush.
All we need now is a tame racing driver.
Some say he has a massive chin and that's true, he does.
Because he's David Coulthard. So, are you ready for this?
I think so. I'm still trying to get my head round the concept.
The idea? Okay, the idea is very simple.
We are going to put paintballs into the air box.
They will then shoot out of the exhaust and into the canvas
that I'll be holding behind the car,
so we'll sort of splatter the canvas using this car as our brush.
Sounds beautiful.
Apparently, it's triggered to start firing them at 5,000 RPM.
So you need to go to 5,000. Can you do that?
I think I can probably manage that.
So, if you want to hop in, mate, I'll go and stand behind the vehicle.
Actually I might just put some protection on my head.
I've done some weird things in my life, but this is up there.
All right, then, David. Ready!
Oh, God!
My plums!
I tell you, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.
Things were going badly for me, but they were worse for Sir Henry May.
Every day, over 10,000 people go to the National Gallery to see the Hay Wain.
More will come and see this, because it's got more of a social statement about it.
Also, because I'd substituted the Hay Wain for a Zonda.
It's poetry in paint.
Plums now protected and using a stronger aluminium canvas,
Coulthard and I were in business.
A plane of light just bouncing off here.
Work it in, work it in...
With the paintball painting finished, I was now busy on another creation.
What I'm doing is spraying the car with a special paint
that shows up best in ultra-violet light.
Sorry, sorry! So, when I've finished,
Mr Coulthard is going to take it for a spin round the track.
It will streak, showing me where the air flow has gone. Sorry.
Sorry again. Sorry, mate.
With the car dripping wet, David set off.
But unfortunately some of the paint had gone on his visor.
Oh, dear!
After wiping his helmet, he set off again to create some 200 mile an hour art.
You sprayed my helmet.
You shot one of my testicles.
Oh, I see, that helmet. That was, I admit, a mistake,
but you should see what has been achieved.
When we put this under ultra-violet light...
-Can we edit the spin out? -Yes, we can edit that out!
You promise?
Projects completed, we reconvened at the secret base,
where our exhibits were to be assessed by Rupert Maas,
an art dealer from the Antiques Roadshow.
It was a lot better than this, I have to be honest. The problem was, it didn't dry.
-It's sort of still happening, isn't it? -Yes.
It's performance art, because it has streaked in a living way.
Yes...
It fell off the easel. I mean, it really is nature
and the automotive world absolutely crashing together.
It's very good. Very good. Quite, quite.
I have to say, I think it is probably more compost than art, but thank you.
Annoyingly, Rupert seemed to quite interested in James May's big face.
It's called Acceleration Face Number One.
I mean, I was inspired to some extent by Der Blaue Reiter
and some of the works of that era.
-And African masks. -Exactly.
The African mask has had an influence on it.
It's very angular. It's quite simplistic.
-It's quite primitive. -Has it been on fire?
-No. -What does the expert think?
Well, let's have a look at it in the round, you know.
-I quite like the welding. -Oh!
We can repair this, James.
That's better!
-You see? -The Mona Lisa of the scrapheap.
The rest of the visit wasn't any better.
Is there anything here that catches your eye?
-No. -Does that one work?
-No. -Is this no good?
-No. -Does it work on any level for you?
-No. -Does it have artistic merit?
-No. -So, all of this is terrible?
Well, frankly, yes.
Well, thank you very much for coming along.
I value your opinion. I won't necessarily pay any attention to it.
In fact, none of us will. But thank you very much for coming, Rupert.
Feeling a bit disheartened, we decided to try and create our own BMW art car.
We need to agree on a light source and a viewpoint.
Our genius plan was to paint the inside of the car on the outside,
with James taking the bonnet, me the side and Jeremy the boot.
Can you tell what it is yet?
Jeremy, though, didn't quite get the idea.
Right, red for the blood.
Mate...
What?
It's supposed to be what's inside the car.
How do you know there isn't a horse's head in the boot?
For our final creation, we had to cut a car in half,
which meant using a dangerous plasma cutter.
That meant we had to take precautions.
-I could help. -You can't do this with a hammer.
That's exactly why you're taped to a chair.
This is like a scene out of Reservoir Dogs.
Don't give us ideas.
-Guys. -What?
Where did you find that car?
Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
'Cause it says here, RJO4 RWZ, it's a rental car.