CEO: This video is brought to you by Megacorp and also I guess by Campfire Blaze.
JP:
My manuscript is complete! Yes it’s just a first draft, but I’m sure publishers will be falling
over each other to publish this! While I wait for the inevitable bidding war I’ll be sure to take
the time to scoff at all of the lesser writers who are forced to self-publish like the dirty
peasants they are. What’s this? A rejection letter! Well who needs traditional publishing
anymore? Only pretentious losers care about traditional publishing! I’m going to self publish!
CRITIC: Not so fast, JP.
JP: Oh. It’s my Inner Critic. What do you want?
CRITIC: I know what you plan to do, JP. You plan to lead innocent writers
astray to walk the dark path of self publishing! I will not stand by as you
profane the sacred gatekeepers who keep our precious bookstores safe from your
self-published dreck. I alone will champion the righteous cause of traditional publishing.
JP: And I alone will champion the underdogs of self-publishing who use
ingenuity and freedom to make their voices heard.
CRITIC: Oh are we doing slobs vs snobs now. How trite. But I can expect no less from you.
Very well. We do battle. Again!
CRITIC:
Okay, JP. Give it your best shot. Why do you think writers should choose self publishing?
JP: Ha. Because it’s easy! Upload a word-processing file to Amazon and
BAM! Instantly published! No rejection letters required!
CRITIC: Easy, huh? What about graphic design for the book’s cover art?
JP: Oh please. How hard can it be? Graphic design requires no actually skill or talent.
I’m sure my MS Paint skills combined with Times New Roman for the title will be more than enough.
CRITIC: Never mind that traditional publishing companies staff specialists and professionals,
but you and professional don’t exist in the same universe much less the mere concept even cross
your tiny mind filled with only Love Triangle references. Do you even know how to layout a book
yourself? Let me guess, you use Times New Roman for the font and the text isn’t even justified?
JP: Silly Inner Critic. I don’t need a justification to use text.
CRITIC: I… Ugh! Justified alignment, you half-wit!
JP: Well I’m really somewheres between chaotic neutral to neutral evil on the alignment chart.
CRITIC: Do you know even the first thing about typography?
JP: That it sounds as boring as you, Inner Critic. I have more important things to worry about than
graphic design or professional layouts. Besides, at least I’ll get to choose
my own book cover, rather than what the publisher thinks will sell well.
CRITIC: What are you talking about? I’m sure the publisher will allow me
endless oversight over my book’s cover production. Especially once
they grasp the subtle symbolism of all of my book’s thematic elements.
Surely they’ll be willing to compromise with me on the graphical layout of the book.
JP: I’m sure your right. There must be some other reason that 99.99%
of book covers in book stores all look the freaking same.
BOTH: Whatever. I’m sure my first book will sell millions of copies!… Hey!
CRITIC: Humph! Did you know, JP, that most self published authors sell less than a 100 books?
JP: Did you know that most YouTube channels dedicated to
media criticism have less than a 100 subscribers?
CRITIC: You made that up.
JP: Well technically the vast majority of YouTube channels have less than a 100
subscribers. I thought you would like it when someone uses a minor technically to win, Critic.
BOTH: You just wait. My way is the best way to easy money! Hey! That’s my line!
JP: Come on. Self publishing is easy money in spite of the lottery odds of success.
Remember that the best way to handle a creative career is never save up money
and instead spend heavily on luxuries that I’m sure I’ll be able to afford eventually.
Better to make it an all or nothing gamble rather than a calculated business move.
CRITIC: Bah! Leave it to you to prattle on and on about money rather than the art. I’m sure I’ll
get a six figure deal for my first book and not have to worry about money while I perfect my art.
JP: Critic, no one is going to give you six figures so you can drone on and on about how
the color of a flower represents the protagonist’s inner longing for deeper meaning in a transient
and uncaring world. I mean not unless you have some people blasting each other with
lasers or something. Americans can only tolerate philosophy if it’s wrapped in kungfu fights.
CRITIC: Add genre fiction trash to my literary masterpiece? Never! I am certain my magnum opus
will garner no rejection letters whatsoever. JP: Are you sure your expectations are realistic
there, Inner Critic? I mean, handing out Terrible Writing Advice is supposed to be my thing.
CRITIC: The difference between us, JP, is that my writing has
depth and nuance. Your writing, by contrast, has cliches and misplaced commas. Besides,
even if my sales figures droop a bit I am sure the publisher will market the book for me.
JP: You know what, you’re right, Critic.
CRITIC: I am?
JP: Of course! Counting on a publisher to shell out cash to market an unknown,
unproven author sounds like a sure bet!
CRITIC: Your endorsement of my position fills me with unimaginable dread. Are
you suggesting that the publisher will expect a writer to have a marketing plan?
JP: Of course not, Critic. Marketing is easy! Anyone who tells you that they alone have the
secret to marketing and that the process isn’t a total crapshoot is most definitely
not trying to sell you something. Why it might be possible to pitch a marketing strategy to a
publisher and ask for some money to make it happen and the publisher might give a writer
a marketing budget if they like the writer’s marketing pitch, marketing is so easy that
I would rather go it alone and keep the spoils for myself. When self publishing, a writer can
count on marketing being the most simple and straightforward part of the process and not an
endless millstone of futile and hopeless shouting into the void. Just so long as the writer avoids
using creativity to market. Better to do what everyone else is doing, but slightly worse.
CRITIC: Slightly? Don’t you do everything much worse than everyone else?
I suppose no amount of marketing can save your book from a complete lack of editing.
Thankfully, traditional publishers have access to editors unlike writers who
self publish who have to find and hire independent editors.
JP: Ha! Editing? Who needs that? The first draft is the best draft! Besides, traditional publishers
may have editors that require a love triangle be shoehorned into the story which is bad because
a good writer would have already awkwardly forced one in without the need for an editorial mandate.
CRITIC: Preposterous. A traditional publisher would never mandate changes to a book
designed purely to inflate sales numbers at the cost of its overall quality and artistic merit.
JP: And that’s why your my Inner Critic and not my Inner Cynic.
See. This is why self publishing is better because I can beat the traditional publishers to he punch
by cynically compromising the artistic merit of my own book purely for broader market appeal.
I may not get an advance, but I’ll get to the keep the royalties all for myself!
I mean, you know, once Amazon takes its piece of the pie.
CRITIC: Yes. You’ll get to the keep all of the money you won’t make for yourself. Great plan
as always, JP. While you remain at the bottom of Amazon’s rankings my books will be in bookstores!
JP: Amazon Ebooks offer a better revenue split.
CRITIC: How could you of all people know that?
JP: I am the undisputed master of selling out.
CRITIC: No arguments here. I can expect nothing less from a trash writer such as you.
It because of writers like you that everyone looks
down upon self-publishers and sees them for the vain hucksters they are.
JP: Better watch it there, Inner Critic. If you’re not careful you’ll bump your big head on something
while riding that high horse. Maybe if you spent less time sneering down at the lesser writers you
might actually write something that comes within one hundred trillion astronomical units of fun.
CRITIC: You can’t look down on me! I’m the one who is looking down on you!
JP: Okay. I’m done with this. Time to write you out of the script… Hey. Where is my script?
CRITIC: Not this time, JP. You won’t write yourself out of this.
Now I have the script. You have no way to escape! What are you doing?
JP: I’m escaping by transitioning to the video’s sponsor.
CRITIC: What?! You can’t do that!
CRITIC: Ha! This is on nebula. There are no ads. JP: Crap. You win this time, Inner Critic!
MIDDLE MANAGER: Good news, sir. Thanks to that mysterious project IG you have
locked up in the basement, Megacorp now has approximately all of the money.
CEO: Great! Finally. I knew pumping toxic sludge into those coral reefs would pay off eventually.
And the board said factories that only produce pollution was a bad investment.
MIDDLE MANAGER: Now that we have all of the money, what should we do next, sir?
CEO: Easy. We take all of the money and use it to make more money!
MIDDLE MANAGER:… Um. Sir? We can’t do that. We have all of the money.
Like all of it. There is nothing left.
CEO: Oh. Well maybe I could reboot another franchise?
MIDDLE MANGER: Sorry, sir. We own
all of the nostalgia now too. We even copyrighted the concept of nostalgia.
CEO: Well crap! What am I supposed do now? I didn’t think this far ahead.
Surely there is something left that I could acquire? Maybe this video’s sponsor?
MERC: Sir! We captured this video’s sponsor, Campfire Blaze!
CEO: Oh. Well that was anticlimactic.
MERC: Do we get paid now?
CEO: I told you already. I’m paying you with exposure!
You and the boys can collect your pay at the radiation bio-hazard labs.
Now let’s see what those idiots are fighting over this time. Oh. Looks like Campfire
Blaze is a browser based writing software organizational tool. It has a word processor,
along with detailed character sheets with extensive backstories that that General
Chainsaw has filled with his own insecurities. Timelines to keep track of the plot that the
Ancient Conspiracy has filled full of useless garbage. Looks like it has a lot of other stuff
too like tools for manage character arcs, magic systems, items, and even a research module.
You can even collaborate real time with friends if you want. Ha. Outsourcing.
MIDDLE MANGER: Sir. It seems that not only is there a free version to try out all the features,
but that you can build your own subscription to unlock only what you need all with a
30-day return policy. There seems to be link to bit.ly/TWABLAZE that TWA fans can check out as
well as link in the description below. This might disrupt our plans. What should we do about it?
CEO: We got a bigger problem. Looks like
the fatcat is out of the bag on our little secret project.
MIDDLE MANGER: What does that mean sir?
CEO: If we’re not careful, the Sponsorship War is gonna get as complicated and messy
as my divorce. Were too close now. We can’t let them unleash… him.