>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN" RIGHT OVER THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: WE RECORD THIS IN THE AFTERNOON AND BROADCAST AT
11:35 AT NIGHT, SO THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO
MAY HAVE BEEN IN LINE FOR THE SHOW WHEN THIS HAPPENED IS WE
FOUND OUT RIGHT AS REHEARSAL WAS ENDING IS THAT BURT REYNOLDS HAS
DIED AT THE AGE OF 82.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I JUST -- IT FEELS LIKE A REAL
END OF AN ERA.
BURT REYNOLDS, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW, BURT
REYNOLDS WAS THE NUMBER ONE BOX OFFICE STAR OF THE 1970s.
I MEAN, THAT HAD "STAR WARS" IN IT, "JAWS" IN IT, "THE
GODFATHER" IN IT, ALL HAD THEIR BUTT KICKED BY "SMOKEY AND THE
BANDIT."
HE WAS A STAR, HANDSOME, ALL OF US WERE WEARING SCUBA VESTS
AFTER "DELIVERANCE."
AS SAD AS BURT'S PASSING, THE ONE BRIGHT LIGHT, SO MANY THINGS
ARE GOING ON IN THE WORLD, THINK OF ALL THE NEWS STORIES
HAPPENING THIS DAY.
RIGHT BEFORE I CAME OUT ON STAGE TONIGHT, I LOOKED AT THE TWITTER
FEED, OF THE 19 TRENDING SUBJECTS ON TWITTER, 17 WERE
ABOUT BURT REYNOLDS.
SO AMERICA'S PRIORITIES ARE IN THE RIGHT SPOT STILL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, BURT!
NOW, OVER THERE I WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS "NEW YORK TIMES"
OP-ED BY AN ANONYMOUS SENIOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL SAYING
THEY'RE SECRETLY RESISTING THE PRESIDENT.
EVERYBODY IS DYING TO KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS.
AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S GOT THEM.
THIS IS EXCLUSIVE.
IF YOU'VE GOT KIDS, WHY DID YOU BRING THEM INTO THIS WORLD?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE "LATE SHOW
PRESIDENTIAL LEAK-CRETS."
♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO THE LEAK-CRETS,
EVERYONE.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, WE'VE DIMMED THE LIGHTS TO
MAINTAIN THE ANONYMITY OF THE "NEW YORK TIMES" OP-ED WRITER
HIDDEN BEHIND THIS SCREEN.
WELCOME, ANONYMOUS WRITER.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.
>> STEPHEN: AND FOR YOUR PROTECTION, WE'VE DISGUISED
YOUR VOICE.
>> YES, HERE'S WHAT I REALLY SOUND LIKE.
HI HO, KERMIT THE FROG HERE!
>> STEPHEN: WAIT, ARE YOU KERMIT?
>> YOU'LL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE.
YAY!
>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE BIGGEST THEORY ABOUT YOUR IDENTITY.
PEOPLE NOTICED YOUR USE OF THE WORD "LODESTAR," WHICH VICE
PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE HAS USED IN SPEECHES.
ARE YOU MIKE PENCE?
>> NO, I'M NOT.
AND HERE'S THE PROOF -- EVEN MIKE PENCE'S SILHOUETTE IS
WHITE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD TO KNOW.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOUR PIECE HAS THROWN THE WHITE HOUSE INTO CHAOS, AND YOU
REALLY RATTLED DONALD TRUMP.
>> OH, YEAH.
HE WAS SHOOK UP.
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO DROP A LODESTAR IN HIS PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YOU CALL YOURSELF A
MEMBER OF THE RESISTANCE IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
WHAT DO YOU DO TO RESIST?
>> UH... SOMETIMES I HIDE HIS PENS.
THAT DRIVES HIM NUTS.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT?
>> WELL, ONE TIME, HE FELL ASLEEP AND WE PUT HIS HAND IN A
BOWL OF WARM WATER... BUT HE ENDED UP LIKING THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YOU SAID YOU WERE
STEERING THE ADMINISTRATION IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION BEHIND THE
PRESIDENT'S BACK, BUT, SO FAR, TRUMP HAS BANNED A
RELIGIOUS GROUP, THREATENED ALLIANCES, AND PUT CHILDREN IN
CAGES.
WHAT HAVE YOU PREVENTED?
>> OH, YOU SHOULD HEAR THE STUFF WE KEPT HIM FROM DOING.
HE TRIED TO APPOINT CARL'S JR. TO THE SUPREME COURT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU SAID THERE
WERE WHISPERS ABOUT INVOABLGING THE 25th AMENDMENT.
IS TRUMP REALLY UNFIT FOR OFFICE?
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
HE'S UNFIT FOR OFFICE SUPPLIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PAPERCLIPS
THE GUY HAS SWALLOWED?
ONCE A WEEK, WE HAVE TO PUT A MAGNET ON A STRING AND LOWER IT
DOWN HIS THROAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: B MY ANONYMOUS
SOURCE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMA THOMPSON!