(steady hip-hop music)
- With America now seeing
more daily infections than ever before
and hospitalizations rising in many States,
the two candidates are staking out
their positions on COVID-19.
Last week, Democratic candidate, Joe Biden announced
that he will push a nationwide mask mandate,
deploy the Defense Production Act
to drive the manufacture of PPE,
and begin testing 7 million people each day.
And then, President Donald Trump
revealed his take on the pandemic.
Boring!
- That's all I hear about now.
That's all I hear, turn on television,
COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.
A plane goes down, 500 people dead,
they don't talk about it.
COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.
- I can safely say that I've never seen a world leader
get bored of a crisis.
Also, it's weird that Donald Trump is saying this
when he's the one still talking shit from 2015!
COVID, COVID, COVID, I'm so bored.
Why isn't anyone talking about Hillary's emails?
Keep up with the times, people.
But hey.
Shout out to COVID for helping Trump understand
what we've felt for the past five years.
Every time we switched on the TV
and heard his name, Trump, Trump, Trump.
Always Trump.
Oh, and by the way,
maybe the reason the news isn't talking about
the plane that went down with 500 people
is because there was no plane
that went down with 500 people.
And if you think 500 pretend people dying is big news,
remember that almost a thousand real people a day
are still dying from COVID, COVID, COVID.
I mean, if you're gonna bullshit us
at least make the numbers work.
Have a fake airplane crash into another fake airplane
that goes down and crashes into a pretend petting zoo,
and then the animals get out and maul
like 600 more fake people.
That way, you get close to the COVID numbers for today.
I mean, seriously, how does this president still not get it?
People are still talking about COVID
because people are still dying from COVID.
Imagine if the captain of the Titanic had this attitude.
All anyone's talking about
is drowning, drowning, drowning.
As if tonight's not all you can eat shrimp night
at the dining hall!
Now, I know what you're thinking.
If Trump is tired of hearing about COVID on the TV news
well, there's actually something that he could do about it.
Just turn off the TV.
But even that might not work
because these days, the news
is coming from inside the house.
- [Reporter] This morning, concerns
of another coronavirus outbreak at the White House.
After five of vice president Mike Pence's associates,
including his chief of staff,
test positive for COVID-19.
- [Reporter] His chief of staff, Marc Short
was with the vice president
on every campaign stop last week,
including Friday night at a rally in Ohio.
Short now in isolation and experiencing symptoms.
Pence's body man, a personal assistant
who accompanies him virtually everywhere,
a political aide who recently traveled with Pence
on Air Force Two, along with two other staffers.
But CDC guidelines call for
a 14 day quarantine after exposure to the virus.
A spokesman saying Pence
will continue to travel as planned, quote,
in accordance with the CDC guidelines
for essential personnel.
Critics say campaigning for office
does not qualify as essential.
- Wow.
Vice president, Mike Pence,
the head of the coronavirus task force
has COVID all over his office.
This is like finding out that The Flash
came in second in a marathon.
I don't care what African country that guy was from,
you're supposed to be The Flash!
Although, I mean technically,
this is one way to keep track of COVID-19.
You know what they say,
keep your friends close and the coronavirus even closer.
Honestly, though, people, I'm not mad at Pence.
I'm just disappointed in him.
Because I get Trump not following the rules.
We know he can't read, but don't tell me
that Mike Pence can't follow strict protocols.
I mean that dude's rules about being around women
are more complicated than the rules for meeting the Queen.
Again, I apologize your majesty.
I thought you were trying to chop my neck off
so that you could become Highlander,
and that's why I fought you.
Now, if Pence hasn't caught corona,
this is actually some really good information
for us to learn about the virus.
Because now we know that you can get the virus
if you're breathing the same as someone who is positive
but you clearly can't catch the virus
if you spend all your time kissing that person's ass.
And, it's wild that even after
he's been exposed to the virus,
Mike Pence is still going to campaign!
Yeah.
I mean, it's a terrible idea,
and honestly, I think it'll backfire
because who the hell is going to a rally with Mike Pence
if that might give you coronavirus?
And yeah, I know people go to Trump rallies
after he got COVID, but that's Trump!
His rallies are fun, that's worth getting corona for.
No one wants to get corona from Mike Pence!
Especially because he already makes you feel
like you have corona.
Yeah, you know, after he talks you're exhausted,
it's hard to breathe and you just wanna lie down.
But it turns out there's actually a very good reason
that the White House isn't following guidelines
for preventing the spread of the virus.
They just don't want to.
- And the White House sounds like
they are admitting that they have given up
on trying to stop the spread of coronavirus.
Chief of Staff, Mark Meadows telling CNN, quote,
we are not going to control the pandemic.
- Here's what we have to do.
We're not going to control the pandemic.
We are going to control the fact
that we get vaccines, therapeutics and other mitigation.
- Why aren't we gonna get control of the pandemic?
- Because it is a contagious virus,
just like the flu.
- Interesting.
So the plan is to just let coronavirus
spread freely throughout America?
It's interesting how Zen Trump's people are
about this, you know?
Because with an immigrant child
who came over the border, they're like,
zero tolerance, one is too many,
we have to deport!
But with a virus that's killing
hundreds of thousands of Americans, they're like,
look, man, the virus is just trying
to make a better life in our lungs.
Who are we to stop it?
But yes, you heard that right.
The Trump administration
is basically surrendering to the coronavirus.
I mean, they're not using the word surrender,
but, admitting that they're not gonna control
the pandemic is basically surrendering.
In fact, we actually have the tape of Trump himself
personally surrendering to COVID-19.
- [Newsreader] It's over,
after eight months of bitter fighting,
this morning, president Trump
surrendered America to the coronavirus.
- I gotta hand it to you, coronavirus,
you outsmarted me and you outwitted me also.
America is all yours.
- Why don't you guys just wear masks?
- No thanks. I'd rather just surrender.
(steady hip-hop music)
- Halloween.
You know, it's when the whole neighborhood
pays child support with Kit-Kats.
But with the pandemic here,
we're treating it a bit differently.
Well, let's find out how differently
in our special segment,
Halloween in a Time of Corona.
(spooky music)
When you think about it,
Halloween is the exact opposite of social distancing.
You go to as many strangers' houses as possible
and ask them for stuff that they've touched.
Plus,
there's saliva everywhere
from when the people eat candy corn.
Oh boy, candy corn!
(spits) I forgot how much this shit sucks.
But whatever the reason,
this year, many cities are doing away
with Halloween completely.
- [Reporter] Will Halloween be canceled?
2020 being the worst year ever,
there's new concern about the treasured holiday
due to the pandemic.
Health officials in LA announced
that door-to-door trick-or-treating
is banned this year.
Also banned, haunted houses and large gatherings.
- [Reporter] New York's classic parade
that draws a million people
to Greenwich village every year canceled.
Chicago's too, Atlanta went virtual.
- [Reporter] In a town famous for witch trials
and Halloween celebrations, the scariest thing
in Salem, Massachusetts this year, the tourists.
The mayor is telling sightseers to stay home.
- [Reporter] And in Richmond.
- Trick-or-treating is not canceled.
However, my best recommendation is that we stay home.
- Yes.
It turns out Halloween events
are getting canceled all across the US
because if these cities actually held these events,
somebody could die!
No, but for real, though, someone could die
because of corona, like,
someone could actually die.
I've gotta get my lights fixed.
Why do they always do this?
And if you ask me,
canceling trick-or-treating is ridiculous.
So, what?
Now I'm just supposed to sit at home alone
in my Superman costume,
eating a bucket of my own candy?
How's that gonna be different
from all the other nights of the year?
Halloween is supposed to be special!
The good news is that just because there's a pandemic,
that doesn't mean Halloween has to be canceled.
And all across America,
people are finding ways to keep the scares coming
without the virus tagging along.
- [Reporter] The CDC labeling traditional
trick-or-treating this Halloween
as a high risk activity.
But parents are coming up with ways
to keep Halloween safe.
- [Reporter] A Virginia a couple
found a unique way to handle
a socially distanced Halloween.
Look at that, they came up
with idea of a candy slide.
- [Reporter] Some neighbors are getting creative.
One designed a candy chute.
Another, a pulley system to deliver candy
from the porch to the street.
- [Reporter] Some folks are going high tech,
dispensing candy from a drone.
- [Reporter] Meanwhile, some haunted houses in the area
are back open and adapting amid the pandemic.
- There's no touching.
Most of our jump scares are done at a distance.
- [Reporter] Rooms are designed
to keep actors six feet from visitors.
They require the actors to speak as little as possible
to prevent the spread of droplets.
- Okay.
Can I just say?
I am glad that those haunted houses can stay open.
Because this is the one year where it's safer
inside a haunted house than outside.
Ooh, I'm a ghost!
Yeah, bitch, and there's white supremacists outside.
I'm staying here with you!
And you know, it's so amazing
how inventive Americans become
when candy is at stake.
All it took was the possibility
of a few kids not getting candy,
and half of suburbia turned into Elon Musk.
I'd actually like to see those drones.
Yeah, the military should use those.
You know, you'd be at a wedding in the Middle East like,
oh no, a drone! (yells)
Wait! It's dropping candy.
Yay!
It's dropping candy!
Look, everybody!
It's candy!
(spits) Argh, it's candy corn!
It's candy corn, death to America!
Now of course, the most important part of Halloween
is dressing up.
And far from stopping people,
the pandemic is actually inspiring.
- Several retailers are cashing in
on timely Halloween costumes inspired by items
that became important during the pandemic.
- Of course, one of the most popular items,
a toilet paper roll.
Also has a disinfectant wipe costume.
- [Reporter] Check out this incredible creation
from one dad, it's a monster Zoom call.
- You know those face shields
you see medical workers wearing?
Well, one company is turning those
into Halloween masks for kids.
Boo!
I'm Frankenstein.
- [Reporter] You wanna to dress up as hand sanitizer?
How about sexy hand sanitizer?
- [Reporter] Yandy selling this racy mail-in ballot costume
that comes complete with "I Voted" pasties.
- Wait, hold up.
Someone is planning
to be a sexy mail-in ballot this weekend?
What are you doing?
If you're a sexy mail-in ballot,
you should've been in the mail by yesterday!
You realize what you've done?
You're too late!
Now you've gotta go to a sexy drop-off box.
Or you better sexy wait in line for three hours.
And look, I get dressing up
as paper towels or hand sanitizer
but please, people, whatever you do,
do not dress up as a doctor or a nurse this year.
Because sexy nurse or not,
your ass is gonna get put to work quick.
Wait, no, I'm just a sexy nurse, I'm not real!
I don't give a shit!
Get this man on a ventilator
and inject him with some bleach, stat!
Bleach? But that doesn't work.
Look, dude, I just dressed as a sexy hospital administrator.
I'm as confused as you.
(steady hip-hop music)
Even though America isn't over the coronavirus,
Trump has decided that America is
totally over the coronavirus.
- [Reporter] As the country faces a third coronavirus wave,
president Trump on the campaign trail
saying voters are tired of hearing about the pandemic.
- People are pandemic-ed out. You know that?
They're pandemic-ed out.
They're getting tired of the pandemic, aren't they?
Getting tired of the pandemic.
You turn on CNN, that's all they cover.
COVID, COVID, pandemic, COVID, COVID, COVID. (wails)
You know why, they're trying to talk
everybody out of voting.
People aren't buying it, CNN, you dumb bastards,
they're not buying it.
(crowd cheering)
- Yeah, CNN!
You dumb bastards!
Why are you spending all day reporting on the story
that's dominating everyone's lives?
Why don't you focus on some more important stories?
Like what child stars look like now?
Did you know that the little boy from E.T.
looks like himself, but much older?
Why isn't that in the news, you dumb bastards?
Now, to be fair.
Trump is not wrong about people being tired
of dealing with this pandemic.
But what he doesn't seem to realize is that,
unlike the rest of us,
he can actually do something about this.
Instead, he's acting like he's as helpless
as everyone else is.
Guys, am I the only one here
who's totally sick of coronavirus?
Why doesn't someone come up with a plan?
Now, persuading people that coronavirus is over
isn't the world's easiest sell.
I mean, we can see the world around us.
But Trump thinks that he's figured out the problem.
It's not that a quarter million Americans have died,
it's that too many people
are listening to that bastard Anthony Fauci.
- [Reporter] With polls showing a majority of Americans
unhappy with his handling of the virus,
president Trump now laser-focused on a new target,
the nation's leading infectious disease expert.
- I don't wanna hurt him, he's been there
for about 350 years.
- [Reporter] The president began his day
of attacks on Fauci on a call with campaign staffers.
- [Donald] People are tired of hearing Fauci
and all these idiots.
Fauci's a disaster.
If I listened to him, we'd have 500,000 deaths.
- [Reporter] The president later on the trail
in Arizona, tying Fauci to Biden.
- And you know Biden wants to lock it down?
He wants to listen to Dr. Fauci.
And he is a wonderful guy, I like him.
He just happens to have a very bad arm.
(crowd cheering)
He has a bad arm.
- Yeah, you know what guys?
I can't argue with Trump's logic on this one.
You just can't trust scientist who can throw a fast ball.
I mean like, why didn't he practice?
What else is he doing with his day?
And honestly, it's kind of weird for Trump,
of all people, to make fun of someone's bad arm.
Lift a glass of water using one hand,
and then we'll talk.
Seriously, the scientists you want
are the ones who are too busy in the lab
to ever learn any sports.
That's why, if I was hiring a scientist,
my first test would be to throw a ball at them.
If they catch it, they're fired.
So, unlike the country he's supposed to be running,
Trump is having a blast right now.
He's got his job, he's got his health,
and he gets to throw parties with his friends.
Hell, he's even been breaking out some dance moves,
or whatever this was supposed to be.
♪ Are you listening to me, I said young man ♪
♪ What do you wanna be, I said ♪
Whatever tiny percentage of the Black vote Trump had,
he has now officially lost.
I mean, this is all of the classic bad dance moves,
back to back.
Fake drive the truck,
into the whack-a-mole,
two claps off beat,
then bring it home with three Jeffrey Toobins.
And you know what?
Maybe all the big rallies and weird dancing
are just hiding a deep insecurity.
Because even Trump must realize on some level
that his closing message of, corona is boring
and Dr. Fauci sucks,
may not get him over the finish line.
Which would explain
why he seems to be making contingency plans,
just in case.
- Mr. Trump tonight suggesting at a rally,
he might leave the country
if he loses the election, November 3rd.
The president, while in Georgia, saying
he wouldn't feel good if he loses
and perhaps would leave the United States.
- Could you imagine if I lose?
My whole life, what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna say I lost the worst candidate
in the history of politics!
I'm not gonna feel so good.
Maybe I'll have to leave the country, I don't know.
- Ah, classic snowflake!
Threatening to leave the country
if things don't go his way!
But on the real though,
where would Trump go?
He can't go to Europe.
Because he owes their banks a shit ton of money.
He can't go to Africa because he called it a shit-hole.
He can't even go to Mexico
because some asshole built a giant wall.
There isn't actually a wall,
I just wanted to tell that joke.
And look, I know Trump meant this as a threat,
but my goodness, people,
can you imagine an America that's 100% Trump-free?
Just the thought of that
is enough to make me wanna dance.
(steady hip-hop music)