Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'Come on over, we're partying.'
Lady Terminator is a typical Terminator rip off.
'So let's just get on with it'
Starting of course with a randy Indonesian Queen
'Is there any man who can satisfy me?'
who kills her lovers during sex when the magic eel that lives inside of her bites off their penis
But one man has the foresight to take out the eel
and turn it into a knife
I'm sure we all remember these scenes from the Schwarzenegger film
'Bastard! You tricked me! In 100 yrs I'll have my revenge on your great granddaughter.'
Okay, as I pointed out when we reviewed The Brainiac, revenge on descendants isn't revenge
'Do you understand?'
Never the less we now jump ahead to the modern day to meet this lady
'I'm not a lady, I'm an anthropologist'
who is researching the south sea Queen
'What's in this book may bring you to a fate worse than anything you can imagine'
He still gives her the book
‘You read too much, bloody woman'
Tania goes diving to find the Queen's lost city, but one minute she's underwater,
shit gets weird
Now I'm not saying this is good
'Hey, you serve beer here or just milk?'
but at least it's not copying Terminator. I appreciate the originality
Okay they had to steal something to justify the title and that scene they were obviously going to use,
doesn't mean the rest of it will be shot for shot, line for...
'Come with me if you want to live.'
Okay, yeah, it's now Terminator
with policeman Max protecting Erica, the afore-mentioned great granddaughter,
as Queen Tania hunts her down
But the dystopian future of the original is replaced by Indonesian mysticism
'Erica'
and this has more men dying in unpleasant circumstances
'It says all these guys died with their cocks bitten off.'
Possibly the Queen needs this particular form of sustenance
'could be a small animal'
Possibly she just has a grudge against men
'Jesus Christ!'
Ouch.
I'm not sure if I'm more perplexed by the fact that she took the time to kick him in the crotch
when he's clearly dead or by the waste of bullets.
Speaking of which, during the obligatory police station shoot up
Yeah, she definitely doesn't like men.
I can't help noticing, she's not carrying any ammo
and although some are considerate enough to die without being shot
it's still 10 minutes of solid gunfire before
Now that's just drawing attention to it.
'I'm sorry, I don't think I can believe that'
Now it seems like we're just checking off scenes from Terminator
why? she's not a robot
Maybe she is.
What her eyeball just needed a rinse? How does that work?
'How the hell shoudl I know!'
This is bad in almost every way but three things I particularly want to mention,
firstly the only character I liked was Tania
'I'm an anthropologist huh'
once she went all sea Queen, I stopped caring
'I'll be good, promise'
Secondly, in Terminator, Sarah Conor's death would spell the end of mankind,
Erica isn't important in the same way, which makes the vast number of people dying in the crossfire
including every friend Max has
'JAAAAACCCKKKKK!'
Quite hard to take
'I can't believe this shit'
Finally Queen Tania gets shot
even more when Max's redneck friends show up
bringing along a tank
'fuck you.'
and missile launching helicopter
leading to another key Terminator reference
none of this works, and yet at the end
'Die mother fucker'
It hasn't worked throughout, what the hell made you think it would work now!
'That should be enough to kill anybody'
Oh yeah, and suddenly she can suddenly fire lasers from her eyes
Could have used that earlier when you ran out of bullets
'What's going on?'
At the start, when it was sex, death and Indonesian magic
'I will go to the bottom of the sea and join forces with the powers of evil'
I sort of went along with it
'Yeah! Let's got to the pub. All work. And no play.'
But when it starts trying to be Terminator, a good film, it loses it
'yeah, eat it you bitch.'
Just play to you strengths.
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'I'm out of here'