-Hey! I'm legendary country music hit-maker,
Jevner Keeblerelv
and I'm here to give you the best news since sliced bread
was recognized for its significance.
Two of the greatest song-smiths in the history of time
are back and at it again.
That's right, I'm talking about Clancy T. Bachleratt
who proved there is a Yaweh with songs like this.
[ Country music plays ]
-♪ Took my toddler out of school and threw him in a pool ♪
♪ And that's how he learned to swim ♪
♪ And then a spaceship flew down and loaned us a towel ♪
♪ And we dried off our soaking bodies ♪
♪ As a show of our gratitude ♪
♪ I gave the aliens a beer jar and food ♪
♪ And a Model-T car that belonged ♪
♪ To my stepbrother's life coach ♪
-And the woman who put the "oo-oo" in "boot scoot,"
Jackie Snad.
[ Country music plays ]
-♪ Took my Model-T car to the nearest salad bar ♪
♪ 'Cause I craved some kale and their kale was on sale ♪
♪ But the salad bar was closed 'cause a spaceship exploded ♪
♪ So I drank a jar of beer with a toddler ♪
-For years now, these two funky-junky joker monkeys
thrilled global audiences with songs about the four things
they know best...
And after a 12-year sabbatical, these two national treasures
have decided to once again join forces.
I'm sorry -- foin jorces.
Nope, I was right the first time.
They decided to join forces
and release a brand-spanking new album...
With ear caviar like this.
[ Country music plays ]
-Both: ♪ Oh, Toddler, did you hear ♪
♪ When I whispered in your ear ♪
♪ About the spaceship that was parked in your yard ♪
♪ Next to a Model-T car and some beer in a jar ♪
♪ But without any gas, they couldn't get too far ♪
♪ So they hitchhiked down the road ♪
♪ With a turkey and a toad ♪
♪ And a face full of hope and regret ♪
♪ But then a truck passed by and he ran over those guys ♪
♪ And now the turkey is dead and the toad's on life support ♪
[ Audience laughs, cheers ]
-Great. Oh, man.
Brr! It just -- It gives you the shivers, doesn't it?
An important message sung importantly.
You want less? Sorry.
'Cause while there's more than one way to skin a cat,
There's only one way to put that skin back on --
with beautiful music like this little slow jelly.
[ Slow country music plays ]
-♪ The eyes of God are crying ♪
-[ Wailing musically ]
-♪ 'Cause the toddlers have been lying ♪
-[ Wailing musically ]
-Both: ♪ Oh, yes, those little sons of guns ♪
♪ Have stolen from nuns ♪
♪ Who trusted them to guard their Model-T cars ♪
♪ And now they'll meet the wrath of God ♪
♪ And burn in Toddler Hell ♪
♪ Unless they call their friends, the aliens ♪
♪ To send a spaceship down ♪
♪ But God will find them there, he's everywhere ♪
♪ He's well-connected ♪
♪ And then he'll zap them with a lightning bolt ♪
♪ And burn them to a crisp, and drink a jar of beer ♪
♪ To celebrate the deaths, it's a cautionary tale ♪
♪ For little naughty toddlers who disrespect nuns ♪
♪ For they will find themselves ♪
♪ In... ♪
♪ Toddler Hell! ♪
[ Upbeat country music plays ]
♪ Toddler Hell ♪
-Whew. Man, oh, man.
That song gave me all the feels,
minus a few feels,
plus more feels than the few feels that were subtracted.
And if that wasn't enough eargasm already,
check out this reworking of one of their timeless classics,
which was recently submitted by NASA and Chef Bobby Flay
to be the new official song of the National Football League.
[ Patriotic music plays ]
-Both: ♪ Oh, football ♪
♪ For your feet and balls combine to make your name ♪
♪ And your field is soaked in urine ♪
♪ From incontinent spaceships, whoo-hoo ♪
♪ And one day, a toddler will distract you ♪
♪ As you hike your little leather ball ♪
♪ And a Model-T car will catch a Hail Mary from a beer jar ♪
♪ And win the Super Bowl ♪
♪ Oh, football sport, oh, football sport ♪
♪ Here is your official new football song ♪
[ Wailing musically ]
♪♪
-That's right.
That's right.
So to order, send cash wrapped in napkins to...
[ Cheers and applause ]