We start off, like Pele, in Brazil.
The South American nation held its presidential election
last night.
And because neither of the top choices got a majority,
they are now going to be having a runoff election
at the end of October.
Yeah-- and then if it's still tied after the runoff,
then I assume they go into penalty kicks.
In other international news, the African nation
of Burkina Faso has had another shakeup in its government,
because the military leader who took power in a coup
earlier this year has now himself
been ousted in a second coup.
And I guess he can't complain, right?
Yeah-- what is he going to say, what gave you the idea
that you could just-- oh.
Oh, yeah.
But now, but now-- the new guy--
now, the new guy has to be, like, OK,
I think we can all agree that this is the exact right
number of coups, huh?
Two feels like the right vibe, you know what I'm saying?
So my thoughts are obviously with the people
of Burkina Faso, but also with Donald Trump.
Yeah, it must hurt him especially bad
to see two coups in a row carried out properly.
Prayers up, DJT.
Back in the US, in some legal news,
California has officially announced that jaywalking
is now no longer a crime.
Yeah, so congratulations to the Californians who
were, like, walking places.
This is great news for the six of you.
Oh, and when you do cross the road,
remember to watch out for that bus.
Well, at least you didn't die committing a crime.
All right, let's move on to some
of the bigger stories of the day,
starting with the global economy.
I don't need to tell you this, but right now
the entire world is teetering on the brink of recession.
Don't even move, you might tip it over.
And if you think things are bad for real money,
things are even worse for fake money, which
is why the NFT market has fallen 97% from its peak
last January, which--
I'm shocked.
Who would have thought paying 50
grand for a picture of a digital monkey
was a bad financial move?
It's just-- it's just so hard to predict this stuff.
But yeah, NFTs have collapsed, and
now all the Bored Apes have been
released back into the wild.
I ran over one with my car the other day.
It was so tragic.
They just are not equipped to be out there in the streets.
And it's not just the NFTs.
Cryptocurrencies are plunging in value, all of them--
Bitcoin, Ethereum, Dogecoin, Tether even TrevButtCoin,
which I made up just now.
I made it up in this moment, but it's
already lost $2 billion.
Shit is wild, guys.
Now, as the crypto bubble pops, some major names
are now getting in trouble for how they convinced their fans
to invest in crypto.
Reality star Kim Kardashian has been charged
by the Securities and Exchange Commission, the SEC,
for the way that she promoted a cryptocurrency asset
on Instagram.
CHRISTINE ROMANS: She has settled
this charge with the SEC.
The SEC says that she unlawfully used her Instagram
account to promote a cryptocurrency token,
and did not disclose to her many, many followers
that she was being paid $250,000 to do
that-- the SEC going out there and saying, hey, just
because a celebrity or an influencer
says something about a potential financial product,
don't necessarily believe it.
Yeah, thank you, SEC.
You cannot just trust anything a celebrity sells.
I learned this the hard way as the owner of Queen Elizabeth's
penis enlargement spray.
It's more of a myth than a spray, Queen--
rest in peace, but still.
By the way, why do I feel like this whole investigation might
have been started because someone at the SEC
was caught looking at Kim's Instagram.
It's such a unique case.
It's almost like, someone was like-- oh, no, Boss,
this is not what it looks like. I'm doing an investigation.
I wasn't looking at her vacation photos-- uh, crypto?
In case you're wondering, by the way,
Kim Kardashian has agreed to pay the SEC
a fine of $1.3 million, which is 5 times
what she got paid for the ad.
And I mean, now the question is, how is she
going to make up that loss?
Well, I'll tell you how with TrevButtCoin.
TrevButtCoin-- I know it seems shady, but Coin.
Speaking of scandals, recently the world
of alternative sports has been rocked
by some of the craziest cheating allegations
you have ever heard.
And when I say alternative sports, I mean it.
You might remember this, but a chess champ
was accused of using anal beads to pick the best moves, right?
Recently, a poker star has just been
accused of using some kind of vibrator
to win big hands in games.
And now, in maybe my favorite story of all time,
accusations of cheating have rocked the world
of competitive fishing.
Let's get to a big story now in the fishing community.
Two fishermen are accused of adding weights to their fish
to win a popular tournament.
So here's what went down.
People in the crowd suspected foul play
and they prompted the fish to then be inspected.
When the director found multiple lead
weights stuffed inside them--
[bleeping]
Damn, those dudes are pissed.
You-- call the cops.
Call them.
Tell them-- tell them the fish--
call the cops right now.
I haven't seen white dudes this mad
about fish since the Disney announced
The Little Mermaid thing.
That was-- not white--
get back-- I'll call the cops right now.
But yeah, it turns out-- apparently,
two fishermen allegedly stuffed the fish
that they caught with lead weights
to make the fish weigh more, because apparently
the heavier the fish, the more prize money you can win.
And in this case, the prize was $29,000,
which is so much money.
You realize at Long John Silver's, you
can get a fish with two sides and a drink for $7.59?
And then you can use the rest of your $29,000
to buy TrevButtCoin--
TrevButtCoin, the coin that always comes up tails.
If I'm honest, I almost admire the simplicity
of this scandal.
I really enjoyed this, because in other sports, when people
cheat, it's like, oh, untraceable performance
enhancing drugs, and this HGH, and the hidden surveillance
cameras and secretly hollowed out pieces of evidence.
Yeah, these guys are just like, so what if we put
some heavy stuff in the fish?
I understand this.
I am sad, though, about the scandal,
because winning at all costs isn't what fishing is about.
All right, fishing is about finding
Nemo and eating him before his dad can get him back.
I like that you're sad for not a real Nemo.
All right, finally, let's catch up on the latest updates
from the war in Ukraine IN our ongoing segment
"Vlad Gone Mad."
[music playing]
As we all know, seven months ago,
Russia's most famous balding troll invaded
his neighboring country.
And although so far he's only been able to capture about 15%
of Ukraine, last weekend, he announced no backsies.
President Putin has announced the annexation
of four regions of Ukraine that are partially
controlled by Russian forces.
It is the biggest seizure of territory in Europe
since the Second World War.
REPORTER: Russian President Vladimir Putin proclaiming
"victory will be ours," after formally announcing
the illegal annexation of 15% of Ukraine,
joining hands with the leaders of four
Russian occupied regions, chanting Russia--
[chanting in russian]
--in a fiery speech, Putin warning he'll
do everything possible to defend the Ukrainian territory
as his own.
REPORTER: That territory, Vladimir Putin insists, is now
and forever will be Russia.
TRANSLATOR: I want the Kyiv authorities
and their real masters in the West
to hear me so that they remember this forever.
People in Luhansk and Donetsk, Kherson, and Zaporizhzhia
are becoming our citizens forever.
God damn.
That is the scariest beginning to a relationship
I've ever heard.
We are together forever.
Here, I made you a BFF necklace.
You will wear it forever.
When we see each other, we will put heads together
and say besties forever.
[laughter]
This is yet another escalation in the war, people.
Putin has declared that this territory is his.
Yeah, he invaded, he held a sham election.
And then he celebrates it by hosting a literal jerk circle.
And by the way--
[laughter]
--by the way, can I just say props to whichever cameraman
chose to show the angle that shows Putin
as short as he actually is?
Yeah, because everyone's, like, how tall is he?
Yeah, that's how he-- this is what happens.
There's your short king.
Whoever that cameraman was, you better
have someone taste your food for the next few months.
Oh, and by the way, Putin's big day
wasn't just about him imposing Russia's will
on other countries.
No, he also found a moment to deliver a furious rant
about how America does it too.
TRANSLATOR: Instead of democracy
there, there's suppression and exploitation--
instead of freedom, enslavement and violence.
America is the only country in the world that
has used nuclear weapons twice when
they destroyed the Japanese cities
of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
By the way, they set a precedent with that.
REPORTER: And earlier, launching a tirade
against the US and its allies, saying Western nations
are moving towards open Satanism.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa--
America is moving towards Satanism?
Relax, this guy walked into one Walmart during Halloween,
suddenly thinks everyone here worships the devil.
I can't wait til he comes back during Valentine's Day.
They have naked babies shooting people to force them in love--
reminds me of my wedding day, to be honest.
But that wasn't even close to being the most interesting
part of his speech, because what Putin basically spends
a lot of time saying is that people shouldn't complain
about what he's doing because the West has
also done bad things in the past, you know?
And that's disingenuous.
It's sort of like how if you complain about the legroom
on Spirit Airlines, they shut you
up by showing you pictures of other airlines
that have crashed.
It's just like, oh, I'm sorry, you're not comfortable?
But you know what you are-- alive.
Now sit your ass down and shut up.
By the way, the peanuts are $20.
And here's the weird thing.
Putin isn't necessarily wrong--
asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.
The West has created a system where people
get trapped in perpetual debt.
And this is true.
If certain countries don't participate
in the global order, they get sabotaged into bending
the knee.
But that doesn't mean that he's right for what he's doing.
You know, this is the thing that sucks about bad guys.
Oftentimes, they'll use the truth to justify
their evil actions, you know?
Because part of what he's saying is true.
It's like-- yeah, but it's Putin who's saying it.
I hate it when that happens.
Bad guys says, like, a real thing.
Like, do I agree that the human population is over consuming
and slowly killing the Earth?
Yes, I just wish that Thanos wasn't the one that said it.
Do you know what I mean?
And maybe this is what leaders in the West
need to understand.
If they don't practice the ideals that they so often
preach, madmen like Putin will exploit
that hypocrisy to justify the evil that he does in his name.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go, let's check in
on the traffic with our very own Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
[applause]
What do you need to know, Trevor?
Are you going somewhere?
No-- no, Roy.
Not like anytime soon, right?
Like, this is just-- for the people at home right now,
I'm still going to be here for a significant while.
I'll be honest, man.
I'm scared to talk to you right now,
because last time you and I had a conversation,
you decided to leave the show.
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
You're liable to leave during the next commercial break.
We're probably talking too much right now.
No-- no, that's not true, Roy.
That's not true.
Then why'd you bring my name into it when you quit?
You're going to leave the show, leave the show.
But you started the shit last week--
I was talking to Roy--
you could have just said, bitch, I'm gone.
That's all you had to say--
was I'm gone, bitch.
I'm out.
And you didn't have to drag my name into it.
Now, everybody on my Twitter is yelling at me,
thinking that it's my fault that you
decided to leave the show.
And it's not my fault, when the truth of the matter-- you was
out the night before with Dua Lupita,
and you was out there in the street with that singing dove.
Roy, Roy, Roy, that is not how it happened.
That is not-- please do not believe anything
you read in the tabloids, Roy.
Don't believe it.
You came in here and you set me up.
You talked to me because you knew
you was going to step down after you
had the conversation with me--
step down from the show.
Didn't tell nobody-- didn't even tell Ronny.
Ronny was standing right-- look what you did to Ronny.
Look at Ronny's face.
[laughter]
He didn't know.
Ronny didn't know.
I've never seen an Asian this confused in my life.
[laughter]
One, he's your friend.
You could at least turn to Ronny.
You could turned to Ronny and said, Ronny,
you need to get the [bleep] out of here, some shit
about to go down.
But you didn't do that, did you?
You didn't do that.
See, that's sick.
I understand Trump now.
We can't be giving these immigrants these jobs,
because these immigrants, you come over
and you don't treat the job right.
Roy, we had a wonderful seven years together.
It has nothing to do with you.
You inspired me, if anything.
It was-- I was thanking you in a way.
That's what's up.
You was thanking me, and you're just going to come over here
and-- me, thinking I'm going to just do traffic because you
want me to do traffic today.
What you want?
You want to talk about Burkina Faso?
If anything, the upside to a coup is this.
Like, say what you want about a dictator,
but at least they stay until somebody forces them out.
They don't quit on their friends
and then throw their friends under the bus.
I didn't throw you under the bus.
I didn't throw you under the bus, Roy.
And I feel like right now, you're
being a little dramatic.
Can we-- like, can we just talk about the traffic?
Yeah, let's just talk about traffic.
You know, speaking of traffic, let's talk about jaywalking.
Thank you.
Jaywalking's legal now.
That's what they're saying.
They're saying it's legal now-- legal.
Instead of doing the one thing that everybody should expect
you to do, you can just up and turn left, and just
ruin the flow of everybody else's life
without any consideration.
It is perfectly legal to just go, oh,
look at me, I'm walking around, [bleep]
up everybody else's traffic.
[laughter]
Roy, OK, I'm sorry that you feel
like I said you were responsible
for me leaving the show.
OK, I'm sorry.
I'm also sorry that people are blaming you on social media,
because-- yeah, because you did nothing wrong, my friend.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yeah, all you did was inspire me to leave the show.
So in that spirit, my friend, can
you please just do the traffic.
Man, do your own damn traffic, man.
I'm out.
[laughter]
[applause]
Thank you so much for that, Roy Wood Jr.