IN SCIENCE NEWS, SEX.
BECAUSE RESEARCHERS HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW SELF-LUBRICATING
CONDOM DESIGN THAT MAY ENCOURAGE SAFE SEX.
YES, SELF-LUBRICATING.
IT'S TECHNOLOGY ORIGINALLY DEVELOPED FOR DON JUNIOR'S HAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE LUBRICATION LASTS FOR
MORE THAN 1,000 THRUSTS.
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
SO WHILE USING IT, BE SURE TO KEEP ONE OF THOSE DOORMAN
HAND-COUNTERS GOING.
"NINE HUNDRED EIGHTY SEVEN-- WE GOT TO WRAP IT UP, HONEY!"
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THAT "EQUATES TO AROUND 16
MINUTES OF REPEATED MOVEMENT."
WHICH WILL BE CHRONICLED IN THE NEW E.L. JAMES NOVEL "16 MINUTES
OF REPEATED MOVEMENT."
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW YOU
STACK UP, AVERAGE INTERCOURSE LASTS FOR "100 TO 500 THRUSTS."
CERTAINLY CHANGES THE MEANING OF "I'M KEEPING IT 100."
( LAUGHTER ) ONE RESEARCHER EXPLAINED THIS AN
OVERDUE INNOVATION, SAYING "THE LAST ADVANCE IN CONDOM
TECHNOLOGY IS MORE THAN 50 YEARS AGO... WE ARE USING OUR
GRANDPARENTS' TECHNOLOGY IN THE 21ST CENTURY."
HEY, THOSE ARE THE CONDOMS THAT DEFEATED HITLER!
( LAUGHTER ) MISTER!
( PIANO RIFF ) BEAT TOJO'S BOYS!
THOSE ARE THE CONDOMS THAT DEFENDED KARIGADOR.
ALSO, DON'T USE "CONDOM" AND "GRANDPARENTS" IN THE SAME
SENTENCE.
NOW, NONE OF US ARE GOING TO MAKE IT 16 MINUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) THESE REVOLUTIONARY NEW CONDOMS
WERE FUNDED WITH MONEY FROM BILL GATES.
WHICH MEANS, DURING SEX, SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT GET THE
MESSAGE: ERROR 404: G-SPOT NOT FOUND.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S AN UPGRADE.
THAT'S AN UPGRADE.
( APPLAUSE ) ALSO IN THE NEWS A LOT LATELY,
WHITE SUPREMACY.
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THE ALT-RIGHT IS HOLDING RALLIES,
HARASSING PEOPLE ONLINE, AND NOW, MOST ALARMING OF ALL, WHITE
SUPREMACISTS ARE CHUGGING MILK BECAUSE THEY WANT TO DRAW
ATTENTION TO A GENETIC TRAIT KNOWN TO BE MORE COMMON IN WHITE
PEOPLE THAN OTHERS: THE ABILITY TO DIGEST LACTOSE AS ADULTS.
BECAUSE FOR WHITE SUPREMACISTS, LACTOSE IS THEIR ONLY FORM OF
TOLERANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, YOU'RE SAYING,
"STEPHEN, NO ONE'S STUPID ENOUGH TO BE PROUD OF DRINKING
MILK."
OH, REALLY?
HERE'S A GROUP OF THEM AT A RALLY LAST YEAR.
NOW WHO'S STUPID?
( LAUGHTER ) STILL THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHY SHIRTLESS?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
( PIANO RIFF ) I'M SURE THE GIRLS WILL SHOW UP
EVENTUALLY.
ANYWAY, THIS IS ALL SCIENCE BECAUSE EUROPEANS WERE FARMING
5,000 YEARS AGO AND SCIENCE.
AND IT'S SCIENCE YOU CAN TRUST BECAUSE IT'S BEING POSTED BY
PROMINENT WHITE SUPREMACISTS WITH USERNAMES LIKE "ENTER THE
MILK ZONE."
( LAUGHTER ) THE MILK ZONE, BY THE WAY, IS
ALSO WHAT YOU CALL A PARTY AT MIKE PENCE'S HOUSE.
OKAY.
PRETTY BIG NEWS, PRETTY EXCITING STUFF.
BUT MOVE OVER MILK, BECAUSE TOXIC MASCULINITY HAS A NEW
FAVORITE DRINK, AND IT'S GRAPE JUICE.
THE GOOD FOLKS AT WELCH'S HAVE A NEW AD CAMPAIGN.
THEY WANT TO BE THE GRAPE JUICE FOR MANLY MEN.
THAT'S RIGHT, MEN.
GRAPE JUICE IS NO LONGER JUST A REWARD FOR KIDS SITTING THROUGH
A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY.
( LAUGHTER ) CHECK OUT WELCH'S LATEST AD.
>> WELCH'S ANTI-OXIDANTS TRACK DOWN THOSE NASTY OXIDANTS, FIND
THEIR LEADER, AND BEAT IT TO A SNIVELING OXIDANT PULP.
SO THEY KNOW WHO'S BOSS.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S SOME MANLY STUFF, BUT I DO HAVE ONE
QUESTION: WHY DID HE END UP SPLATTERED LIKE THAT?
DID HE MURDER THE FRUIT-OF-THE-LOOM GUYS?
( LAUGHTER ) WELCH'S HAS ALSO UNVEILED A
BADASS NEW SLOGAN, "TOUGH AS GRAPES."
IT BEAT OUT THEIR SECOND CHOICE "UNCLE JACK'S NOT ALLOWED TO
HAVE WINE ANYMORE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) POOR UNCLE JACK.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WELL, WELCH'S ISN'T THE ONLY
COMPANY LOOKING TO SEEM MORE MACHO.
WE ALSO GOT A SNEAK PEEK AT THIS AD CAMPAIGN FOR ANOTHER
CHILDHOOD FAVORITE THAT JUST GOT MAN'ED UP.
>> BAGGY FULL OF CEREAL IS THE TOUGHEST MAN SNACK KNOWN TO DUDE
KIND.
IT DOESN'T JUST REDUCE CHOLESTEROL.
NO.
IT SNEAKS UP BEHIND CHOLESTEROL, THEN SLITS ITS THROAT RIGHT IN
FRONT OF ITS CHILDREN!
( CRASHING SOUNDS ) ANY QUESTIONS?
BAGGY FULL OF CEREAL.
WHO'S A BIG BOY?
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.