-Hi, ladies, Mat Shaffer here,
your empowerment, relationship, and connection coach.
I am obsessed with helping you create deeper connections
both within yourself and within the lives of the people around you,
especially, your romantic partner.
I love working with those kinds of women.
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Today, I am so excited to talk to you about this subject,
because we're going to talk about things that women think that men want,
that we actually don't.
These are things that women tend to do to try to attract a man,
or keep a man in their life that actually end up turning him off,
or repelling him, or just really--
it gives you the opposite result.
Be sure to stay towards the end, because I'm going to give you guys
an awesome gift that's really going to help you,
not only attract better men, but also create the relationship
that you want with them.
Because it really isn't just about attraction,
this is really about creating a relationship that's going to benefit you
in the longer term for your life, at least, as far as I'm concerned.
This first thing that you really want to watch out for,
you do not want to do this,
is you do not want to be intentionally aloof,
or gamey, or overly withdrawn.
This is very important because I think a lot
of the how-to-get-the-guy coaching that I see out in the space
is all around you don't want to show him too much,
you want to be like a cat with the string,
and keep the string away from him, and keep him.
While there is a value to being somewhat mysterious,
being a challenge for him, being something for him to figure out,
I do see the value in that.
Don't play games for the sake of playing games.
Don't wait four or five hours to text him back as a rule.
Don't have hard and fast rules around staying aloof with him,
or playing games with him, because here's the thing,
ladies, what do you want?
What's the intention behind what you're trying to create here?
You're trying to create trust, you're trying to create
genuine connection, you're trying to create a relationship.
You're not going to be able to do that if in the early stages,
you're using all these "prescribed" techniques
to keep yourself aloof, and unavailable, and everything else.
That is not laying a foundation for intimacy,
trust, and connection.
Here's the funny, a little secret I'll tell you about men,
we want connection, too. [chuckles]
We want to feel safe, too.
We want to feel that you're someone that we can trust, we do.
We just want to also feel that you have enough value for yourself
that you hold your frame with us.
Don't just be aloof and play games for the sake of playing games.
Don't have rules around that.
Be open, be genuine, be authentic with a man that you want to be with,
and communicate to him in a high-value, non-desperate way,
that you're interested in him.
If he's a high-value, connected man, he's going to respond to that.
If he's not, he'll go away, and that means that that's perfect,
because you don't want to be with that kind of guy anyway.
Tip two on this, something you absolutely do not want to do is speaking about being
high-value and all that sort of stuff, you don't want to be a pretzel.
You don't want to be overly agreeable.
You don't want to drop all of your preferences,
all of your likes, all of your frames, to pretzel around what he wants.
You can't do that because we pick up on it.
If we get a sense that a woman is just being a doormat for us,
we create an assumption that she doesn't have enough value
of herself to really stay in in her power with us,
and so then she loses value in our eyes, especially if this happens
at the early stages of getting to know somebody.
However you show up, however much you believe in yourself,
however much you love yourself, we're going to take your word for it,
because we don't know you yet.
The greatest example we have to understand how valuable you are is how you show up,
your ways of being, and how you feel about yourself.
If all you're doing is just pouring on and asking us questions,
and agreeing with everything we say, and not standing up for yourself,
and being even maybe a little disagreeable,
being a little challenging, playing with us,
giving us some sass back and forth, if you're not willing to do that,
we get bored.
We get bored and we assume that you don't have that much value
for yourself so why should we value you enough to be in a relationship,
in a longer-term, more invested relationship?
That's one to really be a little careful with.
Number three, and this is also extremely, extremely, extremely important
is that women like to think that men want sex,
that we want early sex, we want aggressive,
we want all that stuff right upfront.
Bottom line guys, we don't, or ladies, we don't, we don't want that.
The men that do want that, the men that are going out there
with the dedication to try to close the deal,
or seal the deal on the first couple of dates,
those are generally speaking, not the kind of men
that you want to be in long-term relationship with.
Now, I'm not saying you can't, and this is the thing,
I'm not going to sit here and make a moral judgment on you,
on anything.
I'm not going to say that you can't sleep with a guy on the first date,
and it can't grow into something beautiful.
Sometimes it can,
but in general, when you have sex with a man
very, very early on, first two, three dates,
there tends to be a bit of a devaluation that happens,
because men, we do want to feel that a woman
is grounded in her values, and she wants to make us work for it.
Men love obstacles.
Men love to overcome things.
Men love to invest in projects.
We appreciate that, and that generates value for us.
A woman who gradually lets us in physically,
we appreciate that.
That doesn't mean don't be physical with them, because again,
for most men, physical touch is a primary love language.
From the beginning, if you are interested in him,
for God's sake, show him.
Subtly touch him on the date, let your hand rest on his hand.
In an early stage date, if you can just let your hand
touch the man's hand, and just leave it there on a first date,
that can be electrifying to a man.
I want you to let go of your stories that that's you promising
that you have to sleep with him later.
That isn't promising anything other than the fact that you're communicating
to that man in a language that he understands,
and that he resonates with, that you're interested in him.
Casual touching is very important.
A kiss, a romantic kiss, important,
but going full monty on the first couple of dates
is generally not going to get you the outcome that you want,
because if a man gets what he wants that easily,
sometimes he's going to go away.
Just be conscious of this when you're going out
and you're in your meeting with men.
I'm talking to clients out there who are like,
"I slept with this guy on the third date, and now he won't message me back."
It's like, you meet a guy on the internet, you don't have any context to understand,
or you don't have any context on a man you met on the internet,
just bottom line.
You meet a guy on the internet,
and even if you've gone on a couple of dates with him,
you don't have a lot of context on him.
Then if you just sleep with him and you're just intimate with him,
that's a lot of trust you're sharing with somebody.
Just be conscious of that, know your boundaries,
know your values, and don't just sleep with a man
on the first couple of days if you're looking to fall
to that long-term gradual growth in a relationship.
Another thing, and this is so important, is that while men do,
women think that they need to be immaculate,
and that they're at their most attractive when they're in this immaculate
overly put-together state, this pristine polished thing.
That's why they do all their makeup, the hair is all done,
the clothes are all done, and it's just this overly polished look.
Here's the thing, that's how women may feel the most attracted to themselves,
but men are not necessarily drawn to an overly polished woman.
A lot of times, a man can see a woman who is very, very, very done up,
very, very pitch-perfect,
and he can interpret that as high maintenance.
He can interpret that as a woman who might have a lot of ego.
He can interpret that as a diva.
He can interpret that as a woman who might be a little rigid,
and a control freak, around the way that she shows up
out in the world.
I'm just saying, for a man to be drawn to the feminine,
we love to feel a woman's untamed spirit.
We love a woman who's got some warmth and some softness to her.
A lot of times, softness, the hair being a little wild,
not having on a ton of makeup, we want to feel the real raw,
authentic feminine that you are.
That's what we love.
I'm not saying there aren't occasions where we don't want
to get all dressed up and be to the nines.
If you're going to an opera or you're doing something,
by all means, dress up.
There's nothing wrong with dressing up, but don't feel like you always have
to present this polished image to him.
Because I'm telling you, some of the most magnetic
and most beautiful I've ever seen women that I've been
in a relationship in in my life, is first thing in the morning,
with her hair all messed up, and the morning breath,
and wearing a T-shirt or nothing.
[chuckles]
That's when a woman is often in her most primal,
magnetic, feminine, is in that raw state.
Men, we are drawn to that raw state.
That's a magnetic force for us.
Don't feel like you always have to be to the nines with a guy.
You can literally be in a T-shirt, and a nice pair of jeans,
and a pair of flip-flops, and be the most beautiful thing
he's ever seen, okay?
Or wearing nothing at all.
There's no rules in this, but just know that men are not--
we're really not as picky with that aspect of women
as they are with each other, okay?
What you wear to impress your girlfriends, and show up to your girlfriends
in a way to impress them might not be the same thing
that would really draw in and excite a man.
Guys, those are just a couple little things
that I think are important for you to understand,
is that you don't have to play games and be aloof to get a man.
That's going to push him away.
You don't want to be overly agreeable, you don't want to be a pretzel.
You don't want to just give him what he wants and be a doormat
to him around,
and put all your preferences and everything to the side.
You don't just want to sleep with him right away
or be super physically intimate with him short-term.
The men that do want that right off the bat are not necessarily the men
that you want to be in a relationship with.
I'm not saying men aren't going to try.
Sometimes, nice guys are going to try, too.
Just because somebody asks for that doesn't mean that he's bad,
doesn't mean that he's evil,
but it can short circuit the natural growth
and evolution of a relationship.
Last but not least, don't feel that you always have
to be polished,
that you always have to be fully done up, in order to attract a man.
It oftentimes can create actually the opposite effect,
and make you seem like you could be challenging,
you may be difficult, you may be a little too rigid.
I'm not saying that's how you actually are,
but men are always coming up with stories, right?
We have a lot of anxiety and fear around relationships, too,
so we'll be looking for reasons to find that there's danger with you,
or that you're someone that we should avoid, or whatever else.
Don't give a man any reason like that.
Just be yourself, be authentic, be real, be warm, be connected, be magnetic,
be that feminine force that we are drawn to,
and you're going to have much better luck,
especially in the early stages of cultivating attraction with a man.
I hope you enjoyed this video.
If you did, I am offering, guys, free discovery coaching calls.
That is the gift that I want to give you.
There should be a link to sign up for one through some schedule slots
that I do open up down in my schedule.
If there's nothing open, feel free to send me an email
to mat@matshaffer.com and I will fit you into my schedule
as new spots open up.
I hope you loved this video.
Hit the Subscribe button, and I will see you next time.
Have a good one.