I wanna play a game with you before we get out of here.
You get asked the same, just from doing press with you,
you, Kal Penn, get asked the same hack questions
over and over again.
It's about four of 'em that you get asked
over and over again.
And I wanna play a game with you called
hack back/clap back,
where first you'll give the hack answer
that you have to give
'cause you don't want to hurt that interviewer's feelings.
'Cause obviously they wanted to be an actor,
but now they're hosting this show.
Right. (laughs)
And then you get to clap back.
This is the real answer, no consequences.
It's not directed to any person.
If there is no consequence, you can say exactly
what you felt in that moment.
So first you give the PR answer,
and then you give the clap back.
Okay.
So your first hack back/clap back question is,
Okay, so Harold and Kumar.
This is the guy, by the way.
(laughs) I know that guy.
So you played "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle."
I've gotta ask the question, gotta ask legally:
Are you high right now?
(laughs) I'm not.
I'm not; I have a meeting.
Okay, so that's the hack answer.
And now you give the clap back question.
I gotta ask you, Kal, are you high right now?
Really high.
Really, really, really high.
I'm really high.
I'm really fuckin' high, dude. (laughs)
I'm on bath salts, man!
You gotta give me some money, man, come on!
Okay, so you've had quite the interesting career.
I mean, Kal, you went from White Castle to the White House.
What was that like, Kal?
Yeah, it was such an honor.
Yeah, I'm just so glad that
I am fortunate enough to have the chance
to do a lot of the things that I want to do.
I'm having a hard time answering this, Moses,
because that is how I feel.
Let's get to it, then.
Let's get to it before you say another word.
What is the clap back question,
"Kal, you went from White Castle to the White House.
"What was that like?"
Yeah, that headline is not clever.
It's not clever.
It's every...
I have a running tally with a couple of friends.
I try to take a picture when I...
Sometimes when I do interviews,
the host you do it with will have the prompter pulled up.
And I can see about four seconds before they introduce me.
There's a thing that pops up.
Is it all caps?
Oh yeah, all caps.
"Our next guest went from the White Castle
"to the White House."
And they always do the head bob
when they go from one to the other.
And I die a little bit inside,
but it's also funny.
Yeah, it's also funny because it's like,
yeah, they're not doing art.
There is no malice in there, yeah.
Kal, is Obama cool?
Is he a cool guy?
You see him, and he's dropping mics.
Is he a cool guy, Kal?
He is.
This guy has pure scoliosis now.
(Kal laughs)
Kal, I gotta ask you, is Obama cool?
Okay, so now the clap back question.
Is Obama a cool guy?
Is he a guy you can smoke a doobie with?
Huge dick, actually.
(Moses laughs)
No, he's not!
But sometimes I say that just to watch people's faces fall.
Right, shatter their dreams.
Especially drunk women,
which obviously you're thinking,
"How often do you encounter drunk women?"
You live in Manhattan, it's Thursday through Sunday.
It's constant; they're your door people, yeah.
(laughs) But that's always a fun one
because it comes from such a good place of
"Look at the shit we're dealing with now.
"Hey, you worked for Obama; tell me something good."
And so when I just go dark with "Oh god, no,"
watching their faces fall is priceless.
I pick back up.
I pick it up before I move on.
Huge dick, you know?
He's really a huge noob in cyberbullying.
He's always got a fidget spinner on.
He's always chugging a Monster energy drink.
And that's Obama's secret.
Okay, Kal, last question for you.
You're on "House," right, and it's all this medical jargon.
If you're on a plane
and someone is having an allergic reaction to peanuts,
do you ever get asked to step in medically, Kal?
(Kal laughs)
Sometimes.
Sometimes, yeah.
Oh, Kal.
All right, so Kal, you've worked on "House."
You learned all that medical jargon.
Are you ever forced to step in in a medical emergency?
Oh no, oh no, puppet's out.
Puppet can say whatever he wants.
You can't cancel a puppet.
That was your motherfucking question, huh, Moses?
(Moses laughs)
Oh, look how clever I am.
Ahhh! And look at that.
Very fucking clever, Moses Storm.
Eat shit.
That's not nice.
That's not nice at all.
I'm not nice, yeah.
Here I am just swinging my dick, just swinging it.
All right, that's not necessary; we can...
I think we figured it out.
You gotta bring the puppet with you.
The puppet said that.
The fun thing about that question recently is,
so I did a graduation speech at Quinnipiac University
I want to say two years, three years ago.
Humble brag, yeah?
Yeah, well, that's not a humble brag.
I got paid money, and I gave a speech.
Yeah, I did one at University of Phoenix.
I am available. Yeah.
(laughs) Did you?
No.
[Kal] I wish you had.
No, I would've been very lucky.
So you did the speech.
Okay, so when I show up there, and it was really fun,
and I enjoy doing these things, and it's a fun side gig.
They gave me an honorary doctorate.
And so I have been trying to figure out
for the last two years,
the next time I renew my driver's license,
can I put "Dr." instead of "Mr."?
Am I allowed to do that?
And my understanding is that you sort of choose your title.
Nobody verifies; you don't have to send your diploma.
But even if you did, it's a thing that says it's honorary,
but it says you're an honorary doctor.
So if I'm on a-
Are you saying all of us could do that?
We could all go, I could go, "Dr. Moses Storm."
Also, I don't know, but I am in fact a doctor.
And so when somebody on a plane asks
if there's a doctor on board, I really-
Yeah, it's that guy with the puppet.
I'm actually really tempted to hit the button.
I wanna hit the button.
It's no longer the overused question
that people ask me because I was on "House."
It is now me really, really wanting the next flight I'm on
to have some sort of a medical emergency
just so I can introduce myself as a doctor.
But what's the plan?
You actually get there.
Someone's like, their neck's blowing up
from a peanut allergy and you should give the same speech-
No, they're like, "Doctor, doctor, what do we do?"
I'm like, "Well, I'm an honorary Doctor of Letters
"from Quinnipiac University.
"I can talk to the patient."
The patient can't talk; he's dying.
It's not a good outcome.
Huh?
The puppet gives mouth to mouth?
Yeah, yeah, it suddenly becomes a "Nathan for You" sketch
with not a good outcome.
Right.
Psycho Kal Penn murders patient on a commercial flight.
What a time for it.
This was really great talking to you.
Thanks, Kal.
Bye.