(laughing)
- But like I said, I've been with my fella for six years,
it's going really well.
He bought himself a suit recently,
I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit.
I quite fancied him in his suit and I told him,
I said, quite fancy you in your suit
and he said, and I quote, it's very smooth,
he said if you'll like, I'll leave it on
and sort you out all good and proper,
all posh and that.
(laughing)
I said, you forgot to say Miss Moneypenny on the end.
(laughing)
But the only time we ever argue
is when it comes to Christmas, birthday's,
present giving times, that sort of thing
'cause he really likes to buy me surprises
and I really hate surprises.
(laughing)
We've got a bit of a happy medium now though,
the last couple of years,
when I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.
(laughing)
Five or six things, he can pick whichever one he likes,
I don't know which one it's gonna be
so it's still technically a surprise.
He came home a few days before my birthday last year
and he says, never guess what I've just done.
I said what have you just done?
He said, I've gone off list.
(laughing)
He said, I'm not even sure if you're gonna like it.
I said, why the fuck did you buy it then?
(laughing)
I mean, thank you.
(laughing)
But a friend of mine who doesn't really know us very well,
she said, oh that sounds like an engagement ring to me.
I said, no, it sounds like Ker Plunk.
(laughing)
We have quite busy lives,
as I'm sure a lot of you guys do too
and when we go on holiday,
we like to go somewhere relaxing,
somewhere where we can look at nice scenery
and read books, that's all we really want to do.
My boyfriend doesn't like to fly
so we tend to stay within the UK
and because we don't have to pay for expensive flights,
we sometimes treat ourselves to a slightly posher hotel.
The last posh hotel we stayed in had two baths
either side of each other and I thought,
we're gonna be able to have really romantic baths together
without having to stare at hairy toes.
(laughing)
That man puts up with an awful lot with me.
(laughing)
To be fair, his feet aren't any better.
They're not horrific, they're just, you know, feet.
(laughing)
Nails are a bit long, toes are a bit hairy,
there's crusty bits on the bottoms,
you know the sort of thing.
(laughing)
I said you look like you could pick up mice with those,
they've got a (laughing)
certain sort of owl like quality to them.
(laughing)
But we don't live together,
we have a few days a week together
and a few days a week apart
and when we're apart and I get to sleep in my own bed
on my own, I fucking love it.
(laughing)
Star fish, I love it.
(laughing)
So we all love our partners,
but when you're trying to get to sleep,
they all do niggly things, don't they?
Like, breathing.
(laughing)
30 years together,
is there anything about each other
when you're trying to get to sleep that's irritating?
He snores, does he snore?
Give us a cheer all the people
who think that they're a snorer.
(audience cheering)
All the people that know they're sitting beside a snorer.
(audience cheering)
There's a bit of denial in the room tonight.
(laughing)
My boyfriend snores and I found out recently
that my dad also snores,
'cause I was whinging to me mam about my boyfriend snoring
and she said, have you tried these?
And then slid something across the kitchen bench
like it was drugs, try these.
(laughing)
What they were were those nasal strips,
I don't know if you've seen them?
They're little strips,
they go across the bridge of the snorers nose
so that they open the nostrils out
so that they can breathe more clearly
and in theory, they don't snore anymore.
Now they worked for us for a while
until it came to Christmas.
There's something that you need to know about me
is that I really love Brussel spouts.
(laughing)
My boyfriend doesn't like Brussel sprouts,
so Christmas we get a big bag of Brussel sprouts
and I eat the lot
and I don't mind telling you, I'm pretty fucking toxic.
(laughing)
So just before we went to bed on Christmas night,
my boyfriend went,
do you mind if I don't put the strip on tonight?
(laughing)
I don't want my nostrils to be any bigger
than they have to be.
(laughing)
Now that thing he does, he puts his arm across us
and I feel, I quite like that,
'cause I feel quite safe and protected, I suppose.
But then sometimes he puts his legs across
and I think, oh now you're taking the fucking piss.
(laughing)
The last time he did it he put his foot,
remember, I described it not that long ago,
(laughing)
he put his foot on me leg and he rubbed it up and down.
(laughing)
And I went, what you doin'?
(laughing)
He went, I'm being tender.
(laughing)
I said, no love, you're exfoliating.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour
with a brand new show called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information on where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.