How can I get my child to listen to me
how beautifully you two families to a Romano here to break through life
coaching I want to say thank you to all of my wonderful YouTube followers you're
just freaking awesome and I love the comments and I'll of the questions that
you guys send me in the comments section it's awesome
I had a youtuber ask me a question about children because she knows we have a lot
and she wants to know how can i get my child to listen to me
so apparently she's been following my work and she likes my advice and this is
this channel is about my advice and and I try to help people see things from a
different perspective because you know we can't walk around life with an ants
perspective not gonna work
you know what happens to answer they get stepped on dear ones and they live
underground and they have one purpose message to collect food light
- so often so many of us live life thinking that this perspective our
perspectives the only productive and we feel like we are the center of the
universe and we're not
well I guess from our perspective we are but if you imagine you know how many
seven billion
I mean how many people are on this planet these days but billions of people
on the planet imagine every single person on the planet has there and like
perspective and they think they're the center of the universe
so it's just really really interesting so I want to open up your mind a little
bit so on
for those of you who know my story you know I woke up to the idea that I was
dependent many years ago I got a divorce and I did a lot of stupid things as a
nun recovered codependent and I mean a lot of mistakes with my children
especially my first child
you know so i have to share what I've learned and i am really really
appreciative that so many of you appreciate what I've learned and so one
of the things that I used to do with my son was and actually in with myself as I
always pointed out what this poor kid was doing wrong
very much the way I dealt with myself
you know I would look in the mirror and I would you know just just stare at my
stomach because you know my stomach was not flat and I would stare at you know
one pimple that I had on my face or I would stare at the one hair that was at
a place and you know i would look around my house and I wouldn't see what what
area of the house was actually cleaned up I would only see the three toys that
were near the couch and they weren't in the right place and God forbid Queen
Elizabeth house on a friday afternoon at three o'clock and saw these three boys
that were not enjoyed basket
I'm gonna live like a crazy person seriously what I was raised by a crazy
person
seriously my mom was a while love you mom but she was a clean freak
and my father was a money freak and everything was about control control
control control control so I was raised they picked out everything that was
wrong about me
from their perspective we all know now that we're all divine and were all
perfect and they nothing wrong with us really seriously except for a
dysfunctional childhood programming and people that do not nice things are
people that away below the veil of consciousness and a very far removed
from their divinity
they don't know that they're divine and the if you imagine your divinity is your
right to the worst things that a person does in their life
morally considering morally that just means the further they are from their
light and the dark and they are in their subconscious programming which is really
sad
so we don't need to know that and so we were raised by people who are very
critical of us and so we raise our children and we point out what they do
wrong all the time so my son my poor kid man I you know I want to do over
you know I want to do over as a mom he would come over for come home from
kindergarten and you know he had very poor handwriting and I didn't know at
the time and he was having a visual problem and his his hand his
if the larger was on the left hand side of the page my son would write on an
angle and i would say they have no that's not good you have to do that over
do it over draw start next the line and i would rip out his homework if he
didn't do it next to the line
I realize now because I understand the pain vs pleasure principle of the brain
I realize now that I was I was helping my son
associate pain with doing his homework and when a child associate spain with
doing their homework guess what you have you have a brain that is resistant to
learning you have a brain that's resistant to sitting down and doing
homework
we're actually reinforcing the exact consequence we're trying to avoid but we
don't know that no one tells us this stuff we have kids and by the way there
should be disclaimers on you know like a demo on condoms or something I don't
Healthy Parenting Tips
know but people should know how difficult it is to raise a child and I
am a coach that helps children come to terms with their wounds of childhood
so the mothers and fathers are going to get blamed you know for messing up the
children so it behooves us to learn as much as we can about raising our
children and and understanding as much as we can about what our child needs and
arming ourselves with tools that will make us more effective parents
so when we are picking out the things about our children's homework let's say
or the things about the way that they look they don't brush their teeth they
don't comb their hair
you know boys go through that is very very natural way to get a girlfriend and
all changes they don't clean their room they don't want to clean their room
their little they associate pain with stopping playing video games and
cleaning up there a room
so for those of you who don't really follow my work and you don't understand
my work around the pain vs pleasure principle in the brain essentially it
goes like this
the brand has a default setting its pain vs pleasure
so creator source in His infinite
wisdom has created this guidance system and what we do as human beings is our
brain is built to avoid pain and seek pleasure
so the brain also flags traumatic events is painful and the brain wants to
remember what was painful
so that the brain can avoid it in the future
this is the problem though when we have let's say a child who I just had this
incident with someone in my coaching program who i'm paraphrasing but her son
forgot to take out the garbage
ok so that she took out the garbage to the curb and then her response was I
have to discipline him
you know I have to make sure he knows this was wrong blah blah blah blah blah
blah and I understand that's what most parents do your child is supposed to do
something they don't do it and then we criticize them for not doing it and then
they feel judged and guess what happens in their brain they're associating pain
with taking out the garbage and the brain is going to want to avoid the pain
of this experienced anything that has to do with the garbage is going to be
flagged as a as a painful experience more than likely the kid is not going to
remember to take out the garbage because the brain is designed to avoid this pain
already drama or trauma around this garbage
so the best thing that you can do is create a system get a little clever new
ones where the where the adults with the adults we have to be the clever ones
so the best event best advice I can offer you and I learned this a little
too late with my oldest son fun trying to make up for it with the younger two
children and even today you know he's an adult now
I still try to to use this pay attention to what they do right and praise what
they do right
I wrote down we don't make our kids better by pointing out what's wrong with
them because what happens is when we try to make our children better by pointing
out what's wrong with them
guess what all they do in their head is they
we download them to pay attention to what's wrong with them so when our
children get
- 3.6 average in college
that's not good enough because all he can see you're all she can see is the
fact that you can get a four point out or getting a four point out so we have
to be very very careful
I do believe that using the pain vs pleasure principle to our advantages as
as parents is very useful
so you want to become super aware superconscious you don't want to look
like an answer you want to be in a higher perspective and you've got to
understand what it is you want from your child
so if you want him to brush his teeth we say something to our child like you know
my teeth feel so good and just brush them you know you you start to use the
idea
Associated pleasure with brushing teeth on then you can say that if you notice
that he does brush his teeth you say I'm wow you know you take one awesome
what you do you know he brushes teeth but then he says I brush my teeth
wow they look great now we are associating pleasure with brushing our
teeth
if your child does not want to do the dishes on you know what you what you can
say is if let's say you ask them to please help you with the dishes and they
help you with the dishes now they're not doing it on their own you actually ask
them to help you and not helping you
what you want to say as well mommy really loves it when you help me doing
the helmet to the dishes
you know it's time for us to talk or you know I just feel really loved and
appreciated that you
you know you think that I'm not valuable to help me do the dishes that means a
lot to me
you associate praise with doing the dishes that's pleasure the brain wants
to move towards pleasure you know everything that your child does right
you don't want to be fully about it you know if your kid's strikes out of
baseball
don't be the moment is put your Jonny good job in authentic the kids shrug out
what do you want to stay to johnny is I know you gave it your best shot
it sucks that you struck out you want to validate little Johnny's experience it's
not his fault you know it's not a it's not the end of the world but we want it
we want to acknowledge that this child is having a real life experience of a
feeling disappointed and let his team down
so when I talk about praising your child you don't want to come off an authentic
disingenuous children can smell it
they know you're full of crap so your praise has to match their behavior
so your kids I have a big issue on this house
you know I put things I put those sneakers on the staircase for a reason
I want them to bring it up to their rooms and I say that with all the time
did you not see your stickers on the circuit today my daughter said well
they're not mind I'm like it doesn't matter you're going upstairs
like I don't get it but then I caught myself and I said what I would really
appreciate it if you brought your sister shoes up there that makes me so happy
so I hope this makes sense we have to really be careful
so many times we as as as human beings we think that the right thing to do to
get people do to do what we would like them to do is to point out that they're
not doing it that they're not doing what you want them to do
but all that does is reinforce the negative so we have to be more clever
we have to be more awake we have to be on we have to come from a higher
perspective we have to understand the pleasure principle we have to minimize
the the things that we criticize about our children and then increase
what praise when it comes to getting our children to do the kinds of things you
want them to do so when your child picks their socks up off the floor
you have to acknowledge that you know if your child makes half a bed
we have to acknowledge that you know when I was a kid no matter what I did it
wasn't good enough
you know it i didn't vacuum the line straight enough in the carpet
ok you know I didn't
whatever I just whatever whatever I attempted to do it just wasn't quite
good enough and now I know
thank the Lord but now I know whenever I ask any of my kids to do anything
praise him for any attempt that they make because I want them to help me more
in the future
you know um and I don't want to argue with them and I want to make them
getting kids to listen
responsible
I want them to understand the responsibility when you live with more
than one person you have a responsibility to all the people in the
home but anyway thank you so much for asking me what I think about how you can
get your child to help you around the house more without so many problems
without so so many arguments so try to associate pleasure with the task that
you ask them to do and when you ask them to do a task and they do it associate
pleasure with that task and try to avoid not picking out what's wrong
in your opinion try to shut shutty try not to make a big deal out of little
things remember pick your battles
the other thing to remember is that we're constantly downloading our
children
so if you constantly criticized your child and they end up feeling that
they're not good enough
that becomes their emotional set . they really will walk through life feeling
like I'm not good enough and you love your children you don't want them to
feel that way and they really will walk through life looking in the mirror and
they won't see how beautiful they are or how fit they are or how perfect they are
just the way they are they won't see any of that you only see a perceived flaw
because we have taught them to pay attention to some receipts perceived
flock and even if there's something about our child that we need to address
and i'm not talking about serious issues here i'm talking about cleaning and
brushing the teeth than helping out with the dishes just doing homework
those types of things I'm not talking about mine you know but even with lying
you know if your child tells you the truth you could raise your child telling
the truth even if your child comes to use his mom you know you know I
I told you a lie the other day you know listen to what they're saying and then
just that I really do appreciate that you told me the truth if you if you
react strongly to a child that tells you my life
what will happen is you'll associate pain with coming to tell you the truth
and so when that happens it's going to be hard for your child to tell you the
truth next time
even if they want to because in their brand now the brain has been flag this
telling the truth as an emotional event which has brought him or her pain so i
raising healthy children
hope this video has helped to win over a little bit more than I thought it would
but I wanted to address that youtube comment today so thank you so much
not mistaken one and I am bowing to the love and the light in you