I remember the worst encounter I had with the T.S.A. was out in Burbank, California.
Tiny little airport, I was flying out and I was coming to New York.
And so I am in Burbank airport and I go through security.
And for some reason I was beeping, I don’t know why. I walked to the metal detector.
And I beep, go out, beep, go out, beep.
Every time I have to take something of off I go out I got a beep and the agent, he’s just losing it.
The whole time he’s like, “take it off, take it off”
And then the machine goes beep and he’s like, “take that off, take that off!”
“take that off!”, and he’s like getting more and more angry.
I am basically naked right now and he’s losing it, losing it.
I felt like an underperforming stripper, it was horrible.
He’s like, “take that, no, ahhh!”
And finally he’s just like, “get out here, get out here!”
So I walk to the side and he’s like, “go ahead and put your hands up”
So I put my arms up.
Then he whipped out his little metal, personal metal detector.
looks like a midget sword, but they call it the wand.
That’s what they call it, the wand. So he whips that out.
cause that hundred thousand dollar machine, that’s play, play.
Shit just got real.
So he looks at me and says: ”go ahead and stick your hands up sir and keep them right there”.
So I put my arms up and he scans me
*sound of a scanner*
“You got any ah... you got any metal objects on you?”
And I was like, “then what was that for?”
“If you were gonna ask me anyway, then what was this?”
“The foreplay to my honesty, what is this?”
And then as if he can’t do this right, he calls for backup.
He goes, “I’m gonna need you to wait right here”
“Can we get Velazquez to gate ah gate 10 please? Velazquez to gate 10”
And he calls for a man, by the name Velazquez.
Who I am assuming was the best wander that they had.
Because he wasn’t even on the floor
They called for him and Velazquez emerged
From the back offices of the T.S.A.
And he walked out, and the energy changed.
People bowed their heads as he walk past.
Everyone gave him a little nod.
You could see he was special, and he didn’t look like much.
Velazquez was a little Mexican man.
Very long mustache, big chest.
And he was very short, really, really short guy.
But he didn’t feel short.
He looked short but he didn’t feel short, do you know what I mean?
Like he had this thing. You know those short people that are so confident?
It looks like they just chose to grow low.
He had that energy.
And so Velazquez walks down towards where I am standing with my agent.
My guy tries to apologize, like, “I don’t know what’s going on”
He silenced him with one move of his hand like, “No, I go”
He stepped up and looked me in the eye. He’s like, “Sir”
“jibberish”
And I didn’t know what he was saying.
But I knew what he meant.
And so I stood there. I raised my arms.
And as I did, he whipped out his wand.
And he started using it all over me,
And as soon as he did, I knew why he was who he was.
It was the most magical thing I have ever come across in my life.
The way he wielded that wand was unlike anything I have ever experienced.
I felt like I was being blessed, I just stood there with my head down.
As he went all over me, just blessing me with his power.
It was something special. It was like a force, an energy.
On the outside you still heard that beeping *beeping*
But in my head I heard like a light sabre, that what I heard.
*sound of a light sabre*
Because he was, he was to me.
A little Mexican Jedi.
In fact that’s exactly what he was, he was my Mexican Jedi.
Which by the way I feel would be a welcome addition to the Star Wars franchise.
No, I am a big fan, a huge fan of Star Wars. I love Star Wars.
I was super excited when I found out they were making another one. I was losing my mind.
I went back, watched all the movies.
And I came to realize that there’s no Mexican Jedis. Not even one. There's no Mexican Jedis.
Which is weird because when you look at it, technically speaking. Technically speaking.
Star Wars is a vision of America.
In a distant future.
So
Surely it would be safe to say.
Judging by the current trajectory.
Of Mexican people in America.
I’m sure we would be safe to say by that time.
In a galaxy far, far away.
There would be at least one, just one Mexican Jedi.
It’s not even like it would spoil the story, Who knows it might open up a whole new avenue.
Can you imagine how different that epic scene between Luke and Darth could have been?
Them battling it out on the Death Star.
The moment of realization.
*Light Sabre sound*
*heavy breathing* “Luke”
*Light sabre sound* “what do you want, you evil man!?”
*heavy breathing* “Luke”
*Light sabre sound* “what do you want from me!”
*heavy breathing* “No...
look man...
LOOK!”
“It’s your father, man”