- Wanna read? - No.
- Look, I brought your books.
You'll get prizes from the library.
So let me tell you a little story about Mason.
- When will you pay me?
- Okay, yeah, I'll pay you.
Mason goes to the library on a regular basis
with his mum and loves reading books
and diving into the literary world.
One day, Mason's mum sees a sign up in the library
that says that there's a summer reading program.
If you enroll in this program
and you count how many pages of books you read,
and you report back to the library,
then they will give you a prize.
Mason's mum thinks, "This is such a great idea.
"Let's sign up Mason to motivate him to read more."
But what quickly happens
is that Mason loses interest in reading.
His love of reading starts to dwindle,
and he starts to ask his mum
if reading this or reading that counts towards his prize.
He starts to not want to read anymore,
and his mum has to actually argue with him and nudge him
into reading, so that he can fulfill this chart
and get his prize at the end.
What he's learning is that reading isn't fun,
and valuable, and worthy in and of itself,
the way it was before he knew about this chart process.
- I'm done, now pay me.
- What he's learning is that he needs to be paid
and externally motivated to read or he won't want to.
And, eventually, Mason turns to his mum
every time she suggests he reads and asks,
"Will you pay me to do it?"
Here's the thing, rewards impede values.
When kids learn to do something in exchange for a reward,
they miss out on the inherent value of that thing.
In fact, studies have shown that when the rewards stop,
the behavior that we're trying to reward stops also.
So, in many cases, once you stop paying a child to read,
they stop reading as much.
Or if you stop giving a gold star for being kind,
they might stop being as kind.
We do it because we think we might earn a reward,
and not simply because it's the interesting,
or kind, or exciting, or meaningful thing to do.
Here's a quote from Alfie Kohn,
"Research and logic suggest that punishment and rewards
"are not really opposites, but two sides of the same coin.
"Both strategies amount to ways
"of trying to manipulate someone's behavior.
"In one case, prompting the question,
"what do they want me to do?
"And what happens to me if I can't do it?
"And in the other instance, leading a child to ask,
"what do they want me to do,
"and what do I get for doing it?
"Neither strategy helps children
"to grapple with the question,
"what kind of person do I want to be?"
So we see that rewards
actually impede value-driven behavior,
becoming the kind of person I wanna be,
the kind of person who's a helper, or a reader,
or a kind person, rather than the kind of person
who gets the gold star.
Even more surprisingly, rewards impede achievement as well.
"Studies have shown that people expecting
"to receive a reward for completing a task,
"or for doing it successfully,
"simply do not perform as well as those who expect nothing."
I know you and I want our children to achieve well,
I'm willing to admit that.
I really would love to see them achieve,
but the rewards actually mean
that they're gonna achieve less well.
They're actually less likely to be creative, enthusiastic,
to explore and to really be energetically learning
about that topic.
And this is probably because once we're rewarded
for something, our interest in that thing declines.
But sticker charts work!
Yes, they do, they work in modifying behavior
in the short term.
Motivating children to get yet more rewards.
So when you pay a child for a behavior once,
they're more likely to be expected
to be paid the next time.
And tests and grades work too,
but only in that they train children
to be good test takers.
In fact, scoring high on tests predicts only one thing
about your future, and that is whether you'll score high
on future tests as well.
It doesn't make you a happier, healthier,
more contributing member of society.
It doesn't even mean that you've learnt
what's on that test,
or that you could apply it meaningfully in the future.
Rather than rewarding children for what they do in life,
let's help our children create lives that are rewarding.
How do we do that while still encouraging them
to reach for their goals?
To develop their moral compass?
To achieve greatness?
How do we help toddlers achieve potty independence,
kids develop their literacy,
or teens to be household helpers
if we can't pay them gold stars or gold coins to do it?
Three ideas for you.
Number one, set goals together,
ensuring that the goals that you have in mind
are age and stage appropriate for your child,
and taking time to make sure
that you're relaxed, and cozy,
and in comfortable conversation,
you can bring up the goals
that you're looking to set together,
the achievements that you think would work
for your child at this time.
Just discuss together what you would love to improve
about your family, or about one person's behavior.
Here are some prompts for you.
"Hey, I've noticed that we have really stressed,
"rushed mornings together, and I find myself nagging at you
"and repeating myself to get you to get ready on time.
"Is there something that we could do
"to help you make sure you're ready on time?
"How do you think we could solve this problem together?
"What do you need from me to make sure
"that we're ready on time, by the door?"
Or something like, "Hey, buddy, you've been getting up
"really early in the morning,
"and it's waking up your siblings
"and we're all really tired and groggy
"because we're not getting enough sleep.
"What can we do to help make sure
"that you stay quiet when you wake up
"and don't wake up any other household members?"
It's a conversation.
You will have so much more success in achieving your goals,
whatever they may be,
if your child is actually brought into the conversation
and their voice matters.
If they're in on your plan, and on the same page as you,
it's gonna flow so much easier,
and the achievements will be greater and more meaningful.
And then adjust accordingly, if it feels like the goal
is too big, too daunting, too difficult.
Keep your expectations here in check.
Most adults don't have perfect attendance,
or a perfect score card on your own goals and habits either.
Are you kind to your partner 100% of the time?
Do you go to the gym every single day?
Are you flossing twice a day without fail?
Yeah, me neither.
We don't set these unrealistically high expectations
for ourselves, and there is zero reason
why we should hold children to those standards either.
It's a process.
We're learning, we're trying, we're adjusting,
and we're having a conversation when things
aren't going according to plan.
Let's take a more human approach,
and just be in communication with our child
of what we can achieve together.
Number two, show appreciation.
Rather than being this authority that dangles rewards
and gold stars in front of their face
only to take them away if they don't perform,
instead, go the authentic route.
Whenever they're kind, or they use gentle hands,
or they tidy their room, or they help out in the home,
or they brush their teeth, show genuine appreciation.
You don't need to praise them with, "Good job,"
but you can say, "Thank you, that was really helpful,"
or, "I really appreciate that you did that."
Everyone likes to be thanked
for the effort that they put in.
Number three, encouragement and celebration.
Celebration is when we honor and mark someone's achievements
by joining them in their pride.
Encouragement and celebration are things
that we can offer children authentically
every step of the way.
When they're struggling, we can encourage them.
"I see how hard you're working on things.
"You can do hard things."
And celebrating with them when they overcome.
"You did it, let's party!
"You finished Harry Potter?
"This calls for some Cockroach Clusters."
We wanna reflect back to the child,
"How does it feel to you?
"You did it, you overcame, you worked hard,
"you tried your best, you must be proud."
You can celebrate with a dance party,
with a fun pillow fight,
or with a hike to a favorite spot,
but not by paying our child for their services.
It is great to mark our successes,
to pause and fully enjoy them, to celebrate them,
to encourage children to achieve their goals
and be the best versions of themselves they can be.
Let's not dangle rewards, trophies, stickers,
praise and prizes in front of them
and make them jump through hoops in order to get them.
Let's not undermine and squelch
their inherent, intrinsic motivation,
curiosity, passion and interest.
Let's trust in their good will,
and let's support them with encouragement
when they're floundering,
with acknowledgement and appreciation
when they're contributing,
and with celebration for their wins.
You know what would be so rewarding for me?
Hearing from you!
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