- [Narrator] This is the story
of the Halloween franchise in three minutes.
(chuckles) Let's begin.
15 years after six-year-old Michael Myers kills
his teenage sister with a kitchen knife,
he escapes a mental institution and returns to Haddonfield.
He's pursued by his therapist, Dr. Loomis.
Micheal borrows a mechanic's uniform and
dons the iconic, pale William Shatner mask.
Arriving home just in time for Halloween,
he steals his sister's gravestone,
breaks into his old house and stalks
three teenage babysitters, breathing heavily all day.
That night, he strangles two babysitters
to death and stabs a boyfriend to the wall.
Laurie Strode, the smart one who studies
and doesn't have sex, escapes.
Let that be a lesson to you, kids!
Laurie gets the kids to safety and Loomis shoots Michael
off a balcony, but his body disappears.
A frantic Loomis combs the neighborhood
until they crush Michael between a cop car and a van,
which explodes, but it isn't Michael!
It's just some teen in the wrong mask at the wrong time.
Michael follows Laurie to the hospital
where he kills off the staff one by one.
Loomis investigates a cryptic message
Michael left in a school.
Dr. Marlon Chambers reveals to Loomis Laurie Strode
is, in fact, Michael's baby sister.
Michael corners Loomis and Laurie in an operating room.
Laurie flees as Loomis sacrifices himself to stop Michael.
Michael somehow stumbles away
from the explosion, but collapses.
Anyway, forget literally all of that and pause the timer
because Halloween III: Season of the Witch
has nothing to do with Michael Myers or anything really.
An alcoholic deadbeat Dad abandons his kids
to help an attractive woman investigate
an eccentric toy factory tycoon.
The toy boss has an army of robots and a diabolical plan
to kill all children over the world via annoying
TV commercial-activated Halloween masks
that make the wearers heads explode with gross bugs.
Also something about Stonehenge, who knows?
Michael Myers wakes from a coma
to chase Laurie's secret daughter, Jamie,
and her foster sister, Rachel.
Dr. Loomis returns to Haddonfield, running around
pointing a gun at basically everyone, as usual.
Michael electrocutes a guy so bad the whole town
loses power causing angry rednecks to form a lynch mob.
Michael slashes his way through teenagers and cops
till Rachel hits him with a fire extinguisher.
The lynch mob drives Rachel and Jamie to safety.
Michael catches a ride, too, killing the men.
Rachel manages to throw Michael
off the truck and use it against him.
More townsfolk show up just in time to fill Michael full
of bullets, sending him into a mine shaft.
Back home, Jamie's evil surfaces and she
kills her Mom causing Dr. Loomis to scream, a lot.
Michael returns a year later and kills Rachel,
a bunch of her friends, and a few insufferable cops
with whatever he could find at home depot.
Michael chases Jamie to the old Myers house
where Loomis shoots him with a tranquilizer gun.
The cops apprehend Michael, but a mysterious man
in black frees him.
Six years later, Jamie and her newborn escape a cult led
by the man in black, but she's killed
shortly after hiding the baby.
Paul Rudd, uh, Tommy Doyle, finds the baby.
Loomis and his pal, Dr. Wynn, head to Haddonfield.
A few stabbings and a head explosion later,
Wynn is revealed to be the man in black.
The cult abducts Tommy, Loomis,
the baby, and some relatives of Laurie's.
Michael's usual killing spree is cut short
when Tommy shoots him full of syringes
then beats him to death with a pipe.
Tommy escapes with Cara and the baby.
Dr. Loomis chooses to stay behind.
Forget those last few movies.
Laurie Strode and her teenage son live under new identities
at a boarding school where she's a head mistress.
Michael tracks down Laurie's new address
and hits the road just in time for Halloween.
He terrorizes Laurie's son and his rowdy pals.
Laurie fights off her crazed brother
until he falls from a balcony.
Laurie tries to stab the lifeless Michael,
but is stopped by campus guard, LL Cool J,
making slasher movie history as a Black
character who actually survives!
Laurie steals the ambulance carrying Michael's body,
driving it off the road and pinning it
to a tree where she chops his head off.
Except it wasn't Michael!
Laurie actually's beheaded a (tape rewinding)
paramedic that Michael put his mask on.
Michael tracks Laurie to an asylum and drops her off a roof!
Meanwhile, a group of rowdy teenagers selected
to spend Halloween night at the Myers house for a webcam
reality show run by Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks.
Michael kills almost everyone until Busta Rhymes
kung fu kicks him the (bleep) out a window.
Michael burns in a garage.
This time he stays dead all the way to the morgue.
And that's it!
Those are all of the Halloween movies.
They didn't make any more of them,
and they definitely didn't remake them.
Okay, fine, here's what happened
in the Rob Zombie Halloween movies
in more time than they deserve.
Michael was a dirty kid from a gross family
and it takes an entire hour for Michael
to grow up and get to Haddonfield on Halloween night.
Then there's that sequel nobody was asking for
where he follows his Mom's ghost and
like a weird spectral horse around town
while trying to Kill Laurie again.
Yes, thankfully these never happened!
And that's the story of the Halloween franchise
in three minutes, at least until 2018's
creatively-titled followup Halloween,
which completely disregards every movie
in the franchise except for the first one.
Let us know which other iconic, horror movie franchises
you want us to cover in the comments below!
(dynamic music)