I have engaged with unhealthy behaviors myself and have been on the receiving end
of some pretty toxic stuff in my early 20s a former partner was physically violent with
me he hit me across the face he threw my laptop he broke an ashtray and he would regularly yell
at me for things that I did and at the time I thought some of this Behavior was loving like
for example he would scream at me if he caught me smoking cigarettes and I forgave that because I
thought it was coming from a place of care looking back at the situation I wish that I had known to
look out for these 10 red flags because maybe it would have saved me a lot of pain and heartbreak
most of us think we could never end up in an abusive relationship and even more of us think
that we could never actually be an abuser but I have some scary news for you the truth is falling
into patterns of abuse can happen to all of us and that's why in this video I'm breaking down the 10
red flags of abuse I'm Caitlin V your sex and relationship coach and make sure that you watch
all 10 because you may think that some of this behavior is normal when it's actually something
you need to be looking out for and the more of these following signs that you see in yourself
or in your partner the more important it is that you get help now the thing about abuse
is that it's actually much more complicated than someone like just hitting you or yelling at you
abuse is anything that frequently and habitually harms your mind body and or spirit and often it
creeps up slowly and we're unable to identify it even when we're in it like a frog slowly boiling
in Water by the time you notice that it's getting hot it's already too late to stop it before I dive
in I have an important confession to make even though today I am a sex and relationship coach I
personally have been in unhealthy relationships despite them literally becoming my area of
expertise in life I have engaged with unhealthy behaviors myself and have been on the receiving
end of some pretty toxic stuff and no this is not a gendered man on woman kind of thing I was once
in a relationship where I was very suspicious of my partner and I am afraid to say that I used to
Snoop on him when he wasn't looking I would search for evidence to confirm my suspicions by looking
through his phone or anywhere that I thought I might be able to catch him in something and
whenever I found anything to get upset about I would always feel Vindicated but if I'm being
honest it was a lot easier to focus on him and what I was angry about than to look Inward and
identify my own problematic and yes abusive behavior and actually those two examples are
pretty indicative of some of the ways that abuse shows up is different coming from a male person
and coming from from a female person but they're both toxic and I share this to illustrate a simple
Point abusive patterns of behavior can happen to any of us and it is our job to identify it and
move away from it no matter if we're the victims or the perpetrators it's actually up to us to
look out for ourselves we all deserve healthy and nourishing relationships and knowing what to look
out for is crucial when it comes to avoiding a hurtful and potentially harmful situation so let's
dive into the 10 red flags of abuse number one excessive jealousy this first red flag often flies
under the radar because it's true that a small amount of jealousy is part of most relationships
it's a feeling that comes from a place of insecurity a lack of trust and a desire to control
and if you or your partner are regularly feeling jealous in your relationship it's your job to
manage your emotions and not take it out on your partner in unhealthy ways unprocessed and ignored
jealousy has consequences in the relationship and it is a slippery slope into abusive behavior
number two violating your privacy even in the most intimate relationships we are all entitled
to set personal boundaries and have privacy if those boundaries are violated it makes us feel
unsafe in our relationship and we lose a sense of personal autonomy boundaries around privacy can
include checking your partner's phone or computer without permission going through their personal
belongings and also sharing private information about your partner with other people again these
are most often behaviors that come from a place of insecurity and a lack of trust and although these
behaviors are often enacted with some kind of hope that they will ease sufficient they almost always
make things worse and only lead to a greater sense of distrust in your relationship take it from
someone who knows number three constant criticism lots of couples bicker but constant criticism and
put Downs are not healthy and can be red flags of abuse even small criticisms when consistent can
tear down a person's sense of self-esteem the way we speak to each other is important and if you are
facing constant criticism in your relationship address it because you deserve better no person
and I mean no person is so broken or unlovable that they should be put down or criticized
regularly or frequently No One Number Four controlling Behavior controlling behavior of any
kind is a major red flag if you or your partner feel the need to control each other's finances
decisions around work personal relationships what you wear how you look where you go or any
other decision that is inherently personal this Behavior has got to be addressed by the way this
can show up in really small ways like telling you how to do your hair but it can also be really big
ways like telling you where you're allowed to eat or how much you're allowed to eat or who you're
allowed to hang out with more on that later number five physical violence now this is the thing that
people often think of first when it comes to abuse and of course it goes without saying that no one
should ever lay their hands on another person in a violent way but physical isn't limited to just
hitting another person it can include breaking objects punching walls threatening to hurt someone
with physical violence are all forms of the same thing it creates a space in your relationship that
doesn't feel safe and it makes the person on the receiving end of it all feel like they are
at constant risk of being hurt and this is one of the ways in which people Force outcomes or coerce
their romantic Partners or other people in their life is just the threat of violence number six is
verbal violence so the same as physical violence goes also for verbal violence words and how they
are spoken carry weight and the way we speak to someone has a massive effect on not only the
interpersonal relationship but on that person's self-esteem feelings of safety and confidence
yelling cursing being verbally violent can be just as harmful to a person's well-being as physical
violence especially when boundaries are not observed like continuing after a partner has asked
you to stop and I include this one specifically because a lot again along gendered lines men are
more likely to commit physical violence which has real physical evidence and the consequences are
often very visible like a hole in the wall or a bruise or a black eye but women and female people
are often more likely to commit verbal violence to use words and language to tear another person
down to trash them or ruin their self-esteem or keep them in a submissive state but unfortunately
for verbal violence the evidence isn't quite the same like there's no bruises or scars or blood
or holes in the wall when someone is committing verbal violence but I ask you to consider that
both of them are signs of abuse and neither one of them is acceptable which brings me to number
seven guilt tripping guilt-tripping is an abuse tactic that tends to go unnoticed the truth is
constantly guilting someone over their actions or behavior Can erode the person's confidence
and make them feel like they consistently need to do better it essentially puts a permanent Gremlin
on their shoulder that's constantly telling them that they're not enough and they're not doing
it right constantly guilting a person is coercive which means a way of manipulating someone in order
to get a specific outcome it is a way that people control or manipulate another person's actions and
that is abusive Behavior Number Eight gaslighting gaslighting is a word that has blown up on the
Internet recently and that's a great thing because more people got to know about it but it does get
misused a bit and thrown around a lot so I think it's important to Define it so that we don't lose
sight of the actual meaning and that's because gaslighting is a really harmful and disorienting
form of abuse there are a few different forms of gaslighting but in a nutshell it's when one person
acts in a way that neglects or confuses the other person's reality creating a sense of self-doubt
and confusion in the victim's mind hang on with me for just a second the actual term gaslighting
comes from an older movie called Gaslight side note this was Angela Lansbury's film debut in
the film the husband character consistently and constantly manipulates his wife to make her think
that she's losing her sanity saying that the reason that a picture is taken off the wall is
because she took it down or saying that his uh watch is missing and then finding it inside of
her person saying that she's been stealing things and she doesn't even know that she's been stealing
them and finally he's spending time inside of her attic turning The Gaslight which is just a
I don't know an old light actually I don't really know about gas lights on and off and then telling
her that it's not going on and off obviously you can see how if you're constantly being told by
someone that you love that you're doing something that you know you're not doing but you trust them
you eventually will feel like you are losing your mind like maybe you are going insane maybe you're
not actually safe to go out into public anymore it's a really interesting movie and I'm so glad
that it gave us this term of gaslighting because it's something that we really need in order to
describe what it feels like when someone is making you doubt yourself and what you know to be true
gaslighting can be as obvious as outright denying that something happened like no you didn't see me
making out with that woman you're making things up could also include calling your partner crazy
for feeling a certain way so you don't have any validity to the way that you feel you're acting
crazy why would you feel that way even though you do feel that way it can also be really subtle
like words and actions that just don't add up or whenever someone tells you that you're imagining
things which causes confusion around the issue number nine isolation in healthy relationships
both partners are able to create room for each other while also maintaining the other meaningful
relationships and bonds and interests in their life however if one or both Partners is being
isolated from the rest of their world that is a classic red flag of abuse this means that they're
being told or guilted into not seeing your friends or family being made to feel like you have to be
with your partner at all times or being made to give up interests and hobbies that you had before
you entered the relationship classic example and someone saying hey I don't trust that friend you
can't talk to them anymore if you want to be with me I don't want you to keep hanging out with the
girls because I don't think they have our best interests at heart or I don't like the way that
that friend influences you so you can't see them isolating a person from the rest of their lives
makes them more dependent on their abuser it also makes them more susceptible to all other forms of
abuse manipulation and coercion because of that it is often the very first red flag if you notice
this happening to you or a friend do not take it lightly don't downplay it ignore it be like
she'll be allowed to come back and be my friend again later or he's only insecure right now this
won't be a thing forever isolation is the Fertile ground in which abuse grows its deepest Roots you
can only Gaslight someone when there's no one else in the room with them defending that they're not
crazy so isolation is very very serious I take it incredibly seriously when I see it in my
friends and it is a big no for me and a huge flag number 10 threads of harm threatening physical or
emotional harm can actually be as harmful as the threatened action itself threats create a feeling
of fear and unease and are absolutely a form of abuse but it doesn't end at just threatening your
partner threatening self-harm or threatening to harm others is also abusive threats of self-harm
can sometimes fly under the radar but making someone feel like you would hurt yourself if
they left you is a manipulation tactic and abusive Behavior it makes the person feel like they are
responsible for your well-being and it is a form of control and by the way threatening to end the
relationship in order to force an outcome that you want is the definition of coercion like if
you say to someone if you fill in the blank I'll break up with you that's coercion or if you don't
fill in the blank say you don't sleep with my best friend if you don't pay for dinner for me and my
friends if you don't give me exactly what I want when I want it I'm out basically if you or your
partner threatens to end the relationship as an ultimatum instead of establishing and defending
your boundaries cut that [ __ ] out and ask yourself if this is a relationship that you
really want to be in you really can be in safely healthily now although these are 10 major red
flags for abuse and relationships this is not an exhaustive list abuse comes up in many different
forms in different ways some are more obvious than others if you feel like you have to walk
on eggshells around your partner all of the time if you feel like you can't actually be physically
or emotionally safe inside of your relationship or you feel like you don't have autonomy because
someone is controlling your life please take a good hard look at the situation and allow yourself
to seek the help if you need at a minimum call someone who loves you and who you can trust and
run what you're noticing by them to see if they agree with you that this behavior is problematic
do at least that for yourself if you find yourself in an abusive relationship there are resources
available to you if you're in the United States you can contact the domestic violence hotline at
800-799-7233 that's the National Domestic Violence Hotline and you can use that to
come up with a plan for yourself to get you out of danger please remember if nothing else that
you are not alone and you do not have to put up with a current situation that is abusive
you deserve better now on the flip side if you just listen to this list and you have recognized
some of this behavior in yourself even just a little bit if you've caught yourself going oh
I've done that before I kind of do that right now remember that it is your responsibility to stop
that and that you don't have to do it alone either you can seek counseling you can seek
support often even subtle forms of abusive Behavior can cause harm to our partners and
just because they come from a place inside of us that is hurt or insecure doesn't mean that
it's okay now that you know better you can do better so seek out a professional therapist a
counselor even a coach do the work to develop a healthy your way of being in this relationship
not just for your partner's sake but for your own I did it and I know you can too thanks for
watching I'm Caitlin V sex and relationship coach and I will see you here next time
[Music]
thank you