>> Stephen: WELCOME! TO "A LATE SHOW."
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M YELLING.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, YOUR HOST.
MARK, CHRIS, EVIE IS HERE.
ALWAYS A LOVELY NIGHT.
YOU'RE LOOKING LOVELY OVER THERE.
>> FOLKS, AS YOU ALWAYS DO -- THAT'S NOT NEWS.
FOLKS, AS MUCH AS IT'S HARD TO CONTEMPLATE, OUR NATION IS IN
THE GRIPS OF A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS PLAGUE, AND HE WON'T LEAVE THE
WHITE HOUSE.
IT'S BEEN 12 DAYS SINCE THE PRESIDENT LOST THE ELECTION
AND HE CONTINUES TO PURSUE HIS STRONG LEGAL ARGUMENT OF
"BUT I DON'T WANNA!" I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST
PRESIDENTIAL SELF-PITY PARTY IN MY SADOMASOCHISTIC SEGMENT:
>> ONE, TWO, A RECOUNT, A COUP, THREE, FOUR, A CIVIL WAR
FIVE, SIX, WE ARE HUGE DICKS!
>> ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!
>> Stephen: I THINK "HUGE" IS GENEROUS.
THE PRESIDENTIAL LEGAL TEAM IS ON A BIT OF A
LOSING STREAK.
AFTER DISMISSING THEIR LAST REMAINING FEDERAL LAWSUIT IN
MICHIGAN THIS MORNING, THEY ARE ONE TO 29 FOR POST-ELECTION
LITIGATION.
THE PRESIDENT'S JUST FULFILLING THIS CAMPAIGN PROMISE:
>> WE WILL HAVE SO MUCH LOSING!
IF I GET ELECTED THAT YOU MAY GET BORED WITH LOSING!
>> STEPHEN: BUT THE BAD NEWS IS NOT STOPPING TRUMP LAWYER AND
PHANTOM OF THE SEX SHOP, RUDY GIULIANI.
EARLIER TODAY, GIULIANI HELD ANOTHER PRESS CONFERENCE TO
SPOUT HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT SEEMS LIKE FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING
WAS BOOKED, SO THIS EVENT WAS HELD AT THE HEADQUARTERS OF THE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE.
STILL, THE SAME AMOUNT OF MANURE WAS INVOLVED.
EVEN THOUGH THE PENNSYLVANIA SUPREME COURT ALREADY RULED THAT
GOP OBSERVERS HAD APPROPRIATE ACCESS TO THE RECOUNT, RUDY KEPT
COMPLAINING THEY COULDN'T SEE THE COUNTING.
AND HE CITED THE LEGAL PRECEDENT OF... A JOE PESCI MOVIE FROM THE
'90S.
>> WE COULD DO, LIKE, A-- DID YOU ALL WATCH "MY COUSIN VINNY"?
YOU KNOW THE MOVIE?
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE LAW MOVIES, BECAUSE HE COMES FROM
BROOKLYN, AND WHEN-- AND WHEN THE NICE LADY SAID SHE SAW AND
THEN HE SAYS TO HER "HOW MANY FINGERS DO I GOT UP?"
AND SHE SAYS, "THREE."
WELL, SHE WAS TOO FAR AWAY TO SEE IT WAS ONLY TWO.
THESE PEOPLE WERE FURTHER AWAY THAN MY COUSIN VINNY WAS FROM
THE WITNESS.
THEY COULDN'T SEE A THING.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, NOW I EVEN FEEL BAD FOR THE WOMEN UP THERE
WITH HIM.
THEY GOT ALL DRESSED UP, JUST TO HAVE A MAN EXPLAIN ALL THE
DETAILS OF A MOVIE HE LIKES?
(AS GIULIANI) "SO, SOMETIMES THEY CALL HIM
GOLLUM, BUT SOMETIMES THEY CALL HIM SMEAGOL.
HE ACTUALLY REFERS TO HIMSELF AS 'WE' AND 'PRECIOUS.'
ANYWAYS... ANY OF YOU LADIES WANNA HELP ME TUCK IN MY SHIRT?"
BY THE WAY, MY FAVORITE LAW MOVIE IS THE ONE WHERE BORAT
TRICKS YOU INTO GOING TO A HOTEL BEDROOM AND...
POUND YOUR PANTS GAVEL.
IF IT PLEASE THE COURT, YOUR HONOR, MAY I APPROACH THE
CROTCH?
AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE PRESS CONFERENCE WAS GETTING A LITTLE
HOT, BECAUSE PARTWAY THROUGH HIS PRESENTATION, RUDY SWEAT SO MUCH
THAT HIS HAIR DYE STARTED RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.
EITHER THAT, OR HE HAD SO MUCH TO DRINK HE WAS SWEATING MERLOT.
JIMMY, DO WE HAVE ANOTHER ANGLE ON THAT?
REMIND ME: IS IT A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR LAWYER STARTS MELTING?
LOOKS LIKE RUDY GOT A BAD BATCH OF "JUST FOR HENCHMEN."
THAT'S NOT JUST HAIR DYE-- IT LOOKS LIKE HIS HAIR IS DYING.
RUDY DYED HIS HAIR, BUT HIS HEAD IS CHALLENGING THE RESULTS.
EVIDENTLY HE HAD HIS HAIR STYLED AT JIFFY LUBE.
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S EASY TO MAKE FUN OF RUDY HERE, BUT IT'S
ALSO VERY SATISFYING.
HERE'S THE THING: RUDY AND THE REST OF THE PRESIDENT'S
ATTORNEYS DO NOT SPECIALIZE IN ELECTION LAW.
BUT THEY INSIST THEY'RE THE RIGHT PEOPLE FOR THE CON JOB.
>> THIS IS AN ELITE STRIKE FORCE TEAM THAT IS WORKING ON BEHALF
THE PRESIDENT AND THE CAMPAIGN TO MAKE SURE THAT OUR
CONSTITUTION IS PROTECTED.
>> STEPHEN: YES, AN ELITE STRIKE FORCE: SEAL TEAM SUCKS.
A FEW PEOPLE IN THE ADMINISTRATION MUST HAVE SEEN
THE WRITING ON THE WALL THOUGH, BECAUSE ADVISERS HAVE
STARTED TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT ABOUT WHAT THE END LOOKS LIKE,
USING THE WORD "CONCLUSION" RATHER THAN "CONCESSION."
THEY'RE TALKING TO HIM LIKE HE'S A THREE-YEAR-OLD.
"MR. PRESIDENT, YOU DIDN'T LOSE, YOUR CAMPAIGN JUST WENT DOWN THE
BIG BOY POTTY."
THEY'RE ALSO USING PHRASES LIKE "GOING INTO RETIREMENT," INSTEAD
OF "GOING TO JAIL."
BUT THEY'RE NOT PUTTING MUCH EFFORT INTO IT.
HERE'S THE PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF YESTERDAY, RESPONDING TO A
REPORTER'S QUESTION ABOUT VOTER FRAUD:
>> YOU SAID YOU'VE SEEN SPECIFIC VOTER FRAUD EXAMPLES-- WHAT ARE
THOSE EXACTLY?
>> IT WOULD BE TOO LONG TO GET INTO AND LITIGATE IT HERE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS MEADOWS) "I HAVE TONS OF SPECIFICS.
I LEFT THEM WITH MY CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND.
LET ME JUST TEXT MY HER.
UH-OH, MY DOG ATE MY CANADA."
SO THE END MAY BE IN SIGHT, WHICH IS GOOD, OBVIOUSLY, BUT
ALSO, IT'S KIND OF SAD.
BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD IN YEARS.
FOR TEN DAYS, WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO WATCH THE PRESIDENT LOSE OVER
AND OVER AGAIN.
LOSE THE ELECTION, LOSE THE RECOUNT, LOSE THE LAWSUITS!
IT'S LIKE CHANUKAH: WE THOUGHT THERE WAS ONLY ENOUGH STUPID TO
LAST FOR ONE DAY, BUT MIRACULOUSLY, IT JUST KEEPS
GOING.
ALSO, I'M JUST POUNDING DOWN FRIED POTATOES WITH APPLE SAUCE.
ONE PERSON WHO'S NOT ENJOYING THE ATTEMPTED COUP IS HEAD OF
THE GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION AND WOMAN WHO IS
EITHER 14 OR 40, EMILY MURPHY.
MURPHY HAS RECEIVED A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR NOT RELEASING
FUNDS FOR THE INCOMING BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TO BEGIN THEIR
TRANSITION.
WHICH APPARENTLY HAS BEEN ROUGH ON... HER?
ACCORDING TO HER FRIENDS, SHE IS STRUGGLING WITH THE WEIGHT OF
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION BEING DROPPED ON HER SHOULDERS,
FEELING LIKE SHE'S BEEN PUT IN A NO-WIN SITUATION.
SHE'S RIGHT, IT IS A NO-WIN SITUATION.
BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO A SECOND TERM, HER BOSS NO WIN.
SINCE THE ELECTION, MURPHY HASN'T MADE ANY PUBLIC
APPEARANCES, AND EVERYBODY'S BEEN WAITING FOR HER TO MAKE A
STATEMENT.
AND SHE FINALLY DID LAST NIGHT, WHEN SHE TWEETED:
"DCCCF REX ZZZ @#Z@SMANN ANANN."
HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.
EITHER THAT'S AN ACCIDENTAL TWEET, OR SHE'S TRYING TO CALL
FORTH SOME SORT OF LOVECRAFTIAN CREATURE FROM ANOTHER
DIMENSION.
(AS MURPHY) "FROM THE DEPTHS OF D'CCCF REX,
I CALL FORTH TO THEE, AT-SMANNANAN, SEPARATOR OF
DARKNESS FROM LIGHT, REND ASUNDER THE THIN VEIL OF REALITY
AND SEND FORTH C'THULU!
AND C'VFEFE!" HOPE I DIDN'T DO THAT TOO
POWERFULLY.
I DON'T WANT TO SUMMON ANOTHER WORLDLY DEMON.
ONE THING THE PRESIDENT HAS NOT BEEN DOING IS... ANYTHING.
BUT HE HAS DECIDED TO CONTINUE ONE LONG-RUNNING TRADITION:
HE WILL PARDON THE ANNUAL THANKSGIVING TURKEY AT THE
WHITE HOUSE ON TUESDAY.
GIVEN ALL THE COVID OUTBREAKS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE TURKEY
MAY WANT TO OPT OUT OF THE WHOLE CEREMONY.
(AS TURKEY) "THANKS, BUT I'LL TAKE MY
CHANCES WITH THE HATCHET."
(GOBBLES) THE PRESIDENT ISN'T THE ONLY
DISEASE VECTOR GETTING READY FOR THANKSGIVING.
THE PANDEMIC IS THREATENING TO TURN THE HOLIDAY INTO A
SUPER-SPREADER EVENT.
AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON ALL THE DEPRESSING DETAILS IN MY VIRAL
SEGMENT: CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS
BUMMER!
>> SEASON'S GREETINGS!
>> Stephen: WHERE'S MY SPRITE?
OR MY SPRAY BOTTLE.
YESTERDAY, WE CROSSED A HORRIBLE THRESHOLD
IN THE EPIDEMIC.
BECAUSE THE CORONAVIRUS HAS NOW KILLED A QUARTER OF A MILLION
PEOPLE IN THE U.S., AND AT THE CURRENT RATE, THE DISEASE IS
KILLING AT LEAST ONE AMERICAN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.
UNLIKE IN THE SPRING, WHEN THINGS WERE BAD, RIGHT NOW
THINGS ARE BAD EVERYWHERE.
AS OF YESTERDAY, 47 STATES HAD AT LEAST 10% MORE NEW DAILY
CASES.
IN FACT, ONLY HAWAII HAS SEEN AT LEAST A 10% DECREASE IN
NEW CASES.
MAKES SENSE.
IN HAWAII, "ALOHA" MEANS BOTH "HELLO" AND "PUT ON YOUR (BLEEP)
MASK."
THERE ARE SO MANY NEW CASES THAT THE "NEW YORK TIMES" HAD TO
UPDATE HOW THEY DO COVID MAPS.
YESTERDAY THEY EXPLAINED, "THE OUTBREAK HAS BECOME SO BAD IN
PARTS OF THE COUNTRY THAT OUR OLD SCALE NO LONGER SHOWED ANY
VARIATION N SEVERITY, EVERYTHING WAS JUST SOLID RED."
SO, HERE'S HOW THEY CHANGED IT.
(AS OFFICIAL) "AS YOU CAN SEE, MINNESOTA IS A
DEEP AUBERGINE, WHILE NEBRASKA IS A SOOTHING BURGUNDY, AND MY
PANTS ARE HOLDING STEADY AT A CODE BROWN."
THERE ARE SO MANY CASES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY THAT TODAY, THE
C.D.C. RECOMMENDED AGAINST ALL TRAVEL FOR THANKSGIVING.
BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY, THEY'VE ISSUED SOME TIPS
ON DOING IT SAFELY, LIKE: "ENCOURAGE GUESTS TO AVOID
SHOUTING."
HOW IS THAT GOING TO WORK?
AT THANKSGIVINGS, SHOUTING IS A SIDE DISH.
(TIMID, POLITE) "UNCLE RANDY?
I'D LIKE TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE WHEN YOU SHARE
YOUR FEELINGS THAT GEORGE SOROS IS PUSHING THE GAY AGENDA WITH
SUGAR-FREE GUM?" BUT THE C.D.C.'S MOST DRASTIC
SUGGESTION IS TO ENCOURAGE GUESTS TO AVOID SINGING.
WELL, COME ON!
ARE YOU SAYING FAMILIES WON'T BE ABLE TO SING ALL THOSE
BELOVED THANKSGIVING CAROLS?
WELL, LUCKILY, YOU CAN STILL ENJOY THEM ALL, WITH THIS
SEASON'S HOTTEST HOLIDAY ALBUM: >> THE PANDEMIC MAY HAVE
CANCELED YOUR TURKEY DAY SING ALONG BUT YOU CAN STILL LISTEN
TO THE SWEET SOUNDS OF THE THANKSGIVING CAROLS YOU LOVE IN
ONE NEW ALBUM CALLED I AM JAMS.
ENJOY ALL THE HOLLY GOBBLEY HITS!
♪ HAVE YOURSELF ANOTHER SPOON OF GRAVY ♪
♪ LET YOUR HEART JUST DIE ♪ ♪ .
>> AND WHO CAN FORGET -- ♪
♪ ♪ ROCKIN' AROUND THE CASTLE
ROLL ♪ ♪ IT'S A GREEN BEAN HAPPY TIME ♪
>> AND EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE ♪ ♪ CRANBERRY SAUCE CRANBERRY
SAUCE CRANBERRY SAUCE CRANBERRY SAUCE ♪
>> WE EVEN INCLUDED -- ♪ RANDY THE RED NOSED UNCLE ♪
♪ HE'S HAD WAY TOO MUCH TO DRINK ♪
♪ WE'LL NEVER LET POOR RANDY EVER HOLD HIS BABY NIECE ♪
>> AND THEN THIS CLASSIC.
♪ JIGGLE FAT JIGGLE FAT ♪ ♪ I HAVE GAINED SOME WEIGHT ♪
>> AND FOR OUR JEWISH FRIENDS.
♪ STUFFING STUFFING STUFFING ♪ ♪ STUFFING I WOULD EAT ♪
♪ STUFFING STUFFING STUFFING, IT KIND OF TASTES LIKE FEET ♪
>> SEASONS EATINGS, EVERYBODY!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> THAT'S WHAT I CALL I AM JAMS.
ORDER NOW!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LL COOL J IS HERE, AND LATER A PERFORMANCE BY FOO FIGHTERS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!
JOIN US.
♪ ♪