[ Singing ]
>> HIV is affecting the African American community
at alarming rates, especially among young people.
To keep our youth safe, we must know the facts.
Communicating this information to our youth can help them to live better lives.
[ Music ]
>> I've been dealing with the subject of sex with my daughters for,
or shall I say, since they were 9 years old.
And we have talked extensively about sexual activities.
Even if when they were younger, just some of the words that they used when they would be
at school and come back and they'd say "Mom, what is sex?"
Or "Mom, how do you play hide and go have sex?"
And of course, when you're driving and you have the girls in the car,
and they're asking you a question like that, you want to hit the breaks immediately.
>> It is important to talk to your children about sex before they start having sex.
>> The most important thing that parents need to do
with their kids is share their values with their kids.
Tell them what they think and feel
about how they think they should manage their sexual lives.
>> Before I talk to her about any and everything, and tell her don't be afraid to talk
to me about things that she feels is important, or if she's scared about a certain situation,
because I'm not going to brow-beat her about it.
>> We have adopted a policy in the house of talking very openly about sex.
So we talk to our kids about sex.
>> Like, you're going to eventually find out about some stuff on your own,
and then if you don't show your kids that, then people are going to be shocked when, oh my god!
You're saying this, that or the other.
Well that's my friend told me, and my momma not telling me, because you're avoiding the subject,
or my daddy not telling me because he doesn't want to tell me, something like that.
>> I think the conversation was brought up because we were watching some commercial,
and the commercial was talking about condom use.
And we just went with it.
We, after the commercial was over, we talked about it, in detail.
>> I started when when she was about 10, 10 and a half, just introducing her to the difference
in male and female, and she got a little older, I talked to her letting her know
that sex is something she has the rest of her life to do.
There's no rush in it, and if she feels the need to talk to me about someone pressuring her
about sex, then we can deal with it.
>> I appreciate being able to go talk to my mother about something,
the issues that I was having as a teen.
And I think that these teens will love to be able to have that type of relationship
with their parents, and I think that if they would educate their children more
than we won't be left with, I mean, the responsibility of educating them.
>> Young people will need to make decisions whether or not to have sex,
who with, and how to protect themselves.
They need you to help them figure this out.
>> I would say to him I'm not ready to have sex or interested in what you're trying to do
with me, I mean, we can talk it out together, because communication does involve two people
or multiple people, so I would just tell them I'm not ready,
I'm not ready to hop on that train, to have sex.
>> Parents should talk to their kids about abstinence.
>> I just think about the consequences of if I did at this age, like basically,
I think about how my mom would react to it.
I'm pretty sure she would grab her heart and fall out.
>> If she were to come to me and say she was ready to have sex,
I would just flat out tell her, no you're not.
You're not.
Because you've only been in the world 14 years, and it hasn't even been a full 14 years,
so just think about it, and we'll talk 14 years from now [chuckles].
>> I know that the decision to have sex is a personal one.
It's going to be between you and another individual.
I'm not going to be in the room, not going to call me
up on my cell-- actually, you may call me?
But most likely you won't.
And so it's one that I think that we can have over time.
And I believe, and as you hear more about what it takes, what's involved in the decision
to have sex with someone, you see that it's really serious.
And so I think that it's something you should not do at a young age.
>> I think mostly I want you to abstain from any kind of sex at all until you're married.
But if you don't, if you do find a special someone that you feel like you want to share
that intimacy with, I would want you to make sure that he has enough respect for you,
and you have enough respect for him and yourself to get yourself tested first,
and make sure that neither one of you have, you know, have that, have any STDs to worry about.
>> I mean, I just, I see how guys respond to you, you're beautiful, you know?
And I can only imagine what kind of goes through their heads, and so I'm just trusting you.
You know, that when you're just living your life apart from me, you know,
that you can just kind of just protect yourself.
You know? Like tell them what you stand for, what you don't stand for, and figuring out ways
to feel what you feel without feeling.
You know [laughter]?
Yeah.
>> I would want you to-- you know how you have to swim across the pool
to be able to go into the deep end?
I would want to give you a test around sex, to see if you were ready for it.
Do you know how to use a condom?
Do you know the difference between a condom that can be used, versus a condom that can't be used?
What the risks are, all that, all that stuff.
So just that you were ready.
And I can't imagine that somebody, you know, in junior high and high school would be ready
for sex, because it's pretty serious.
>> It is important to know who your child is with, what they are doing, and where they are.
>> We screen a lot of calls.
We ask who it is, how old are they, are they in class with her?
What are they calling for?
The whole nine yards.
So it's an interrogation process.
>> I'm not so particular that I won't let her go to movies with a boy like that, but like I said,
I've got to know the person before I let my child venture out and go out with a boy.
If I don't know where you live at, what's your phone number and all that good stuff,
if something happened to my daughter, I need to know where she's at.
If something does happen, I know whose house I'll be coming to.
>> They have often times said "I have a boyfriend," and I said okay, what's his name,
I have to meet him, you have to bring him in front of me.
>> I'll bring it up to her.
She might not bring it up, but I'll be like, who you like?
You know? Or why you talking to him on the phone?
Mom, that isn't me, just because we're talking on the phone with each other,
means that we really like each other like that, I'm like, okay I'm just asking.
>> That's true, it's just like sometimes she comes at me like, so you like him now?
>> You need to be involved in whatever your child is doing,
to prevent some of this peer pressure from--
filtrated into their minds, because it's everywhere.
Peer pressure is everywhere.
And the boys will say, you know, you're fine, you know, your friends are doing it,
and I understand that, and these are the things that I have to talk to my daughter about.
Because just because everybody else is doing it doesn't mean you need to do it.
I tell her reasons why she shouldn't do it.
For instance, STD, pregnancy, and years ago, you would think about pregnancy.
Nowadays, it is HIV and these other STDs that you have to worry about.
>> It is important for youth to know how they would respond in a situation.
>> If incidents come up or-- and I see something on TV, or in the media, let's talk about this.
What do you think about this?
Why do you think that person did that?
Because I'm trying to get inside her head, to know if she came up on a situation
like that, how would she handle it?
Or how would she approach that situation, and I said, so much is going on in school
and she'll come and say mommy this is that and da-da-da.
Well, let's talk about it.
And that's how you-- I like to get inside, instead of me always talking, talking, talking.
Because I have a sermon, and she knows my sermon.
I like to get inside her head.
I like for them to express themselves.
>> You know, she does all this text messaging all the time, and all of this stuff,
and she'll meet a friend through a friend, and those kinds of things,
where she's never even seen this person, she wouldn't eve know them.
And I just try and remind her that just because someone might sound nice, or someone might,
you know, might say nice things to you on a text message or whatever,
you don't-- you don't know everybody.
And everybody doesn't have the same-- they weren't brought up the same way that she was.
>> What will make you stop and come check in with your older sister at that moment?
When he's like, doing whatever he's doing.
And it's feeling good.
>> Oh my, whoever I mess with, I make sure that they know my limits and my boundaries.
>> They don't like, pressure you to go beyond your limits?
>> No. Nobody will pressure me, because I am me, I stand my ground.
Nobody can push me over.
>> [Background music] There are serious consequences to risky sexual behavior.
>> Being a teen mom, I don't get to do anything.
My friends went to prom, I didn't do prom.
You don't have a life when you're a teen mom, because you're taking care of a child.
I understood how hard it was, how much I had to give up,
because I wanted to take care of my child.
>> At the age of 21, I was, my girlfriend and I had our own apartment,
and we were being really wild, and she had a friend, who had a friend, and we hooked up,
and I had a one night stand with this one particular guy.
And so that's the person who I suspect gave it to me.
I don't blame him for infecting me, because in 1990, it's not like it is in 2007, you know,
it wasn't condoms, condoms, condoms, and so it was a choice
that we both made, having a one night stand.
>> I was All American football player at Norfolk State.
All American coming out of high school.
I was 18 years old when I found I was infected.
You know, when people are diagnosed HIV positive, especially if you're young,
especially if you are living in an environment where you already feel marginalized,
or victimized, is that you-- it's like the last straw.
And you die an emotional, spiritual death.
You die a passion-- you know, you become passionless.
And you know, you give up.
On your own life, long before the physical death happens.
>> It was hopeless for me.
Very hopeless.
I had no more dreams.
I do definitely think I would date if I, you know, was HIV negative.
I think there's a big fear of rejection.
A very big fear I haven't quite worked through yet.
>> I had not yet found myself at 17, 18 years old.
And at that point, I felt like I was never going to find myself.
>> All you have to know is of the million plus people who are HIV positive in the country,
more than half of them are black.
The fastest growing group of people
who are being infected are women, young women, like less than 30.
There's all these messages, posters, cards, everywhere.
Why do you think that age group is still getting infected?
Still affected?
>> They don't care if it happens to them.
>> They don't care if it happens to them?
>> I mean, they don't care about it until it happens to them.
Then they will worry about it.
>> Why do you think that is?
>> Because people, they ignorant, they ignorant about it, you know, like,
they don't feel like they get it, so they ain't caring, they ain't tripping.
Oh, no. She don't got it.
She don't look like she got it.
He don't look like he got it.
We going to do it, you know?
They aren't worried about it until they have sex.
>> For some parents and teens, talking about sex won't be easy, but it is important.
If your young person has unprotected sex, they are at persistent risk for getting HIV.
Parents should talk to their kids about proper condom use.
>> I've just basically told him that if you're even thinking about sex,
of course I won't want you to do it, but if you felt so led to do it, and of course,
I wouldn't know about it-- protect yourself.
Because I told him, I said, I tell him there are diseases out here.
AIDS is out here.
Pregnancy is out here.
And I don't want you to have to really experience any of those things.
>> So, let's go ahead and we're going to do a little practicing here.
So, as we mentioned before, first thing we want to do is check the expiration date
on the condom, make sure it's a good expiration date.
Move that condom to the side.
And open the package carefully.
Remove the condom, place the condom on top of the penis, holding the tip,
and then rolling the condom down.
All the way to the base of the penis to the bottom.
>> Inside, if one of them were to come to me and ask me for condoms,
I'd probably be having a heart attack, but I would-- at least my image is I'm cool,
and you can come to me for condoms.
Because I feel like, the very least, I want them to have that.
>> So now, let's go back to it for a second there.
So, we're done having sex.
And it's time to remove the condom.
We want to gently remove the condom off the penis while it's still erect, okay?
And take it right on off.
Okay? And then again, as I mentioned before, you can either tie it off,
you know, wrap it in paper or tissue.
And that's okay, that's okay [laughter].
You know, the funny thing is the more you practice, the better you will become at it.
The more they practice, the better they will become at it.
[ Music ]
>> Communication between parents and children helps young people establish individual values,
and make sexually healthy decisions.
[ Music ]
>> My mom, she's like my best friend, I can tell her about anything.
So I could talk to her like she could still be in the mother's position,
and then I could still talk to her as a friend.
She still has the mother's-- the mother's touch about the conversations that we have.
>> I've asked my mother if she will react badly if I talk to her about sex.
And she said no, she has an open mind about it, but she'll tell me this is the right thing,
instead of just like oh man, I'm happy with him and everything, she would just tell the truth,
but she won't be like, oh my gosh, you're not supposed to have sex, blah-blah-blah.
Yeah, she'll just be straightforward.
Maybe she won't hold anything back.
>> I feel like I can talk to you about anything.
But you don't talk to me about too much.
You listen, but you don't ask me a lot of questions, and I just started thinking
about 8th grade, and what I was doing in 8th grade and what my friends were doing
in 8th grade, and I started thinking oh,
I wonder if he really does feel comfortable talking to me.
>> I think me and my 15-year-old, I think we have a pretty good relationship.
>> I have a very close day-to-day relationship with my daughters.
>> She's pretty much open with me.
>> Yes, I think we talk about, we talk about everything.
Yes, we do.
>> Talking with your child gets easier over time.
>> Oh, I think it's very important for the parents to talk to their child about sex.
And not be embarrassed and not think it's Taboo or think it's an area
that shouldn't be discussed by a parent, because I think that's--
that's who impacts them the most sometimes.
>> I talk to my mom frequently about having sex,
and about anything that's involved in sex, but it's not awkward.
It's not as awkward as it was before.
>> We try not to talk about the same things all the time [laughter].
I mean, you know, if the issue is that we're talking about sex [laughter],
we're not going to talk about it every day.
>> Right.
>> If the issue is delinquency in school or bad grades,
we're not going to talk about it every day.
>> I want him to always be able to come to me.
And I want him not just to be able to come to me, but I want him to be comfortable coming
to me, and our conversations can always be flexible.
So he never has to tense.
>> Right.
>> We have to have this give and take in all of our communications
with the kids, so that they can breathe.
I don't want to suffocate them.
>> I don't cut corners.
I try to be straight up, let her know, hey, this is it, this is the way it is,
this is what's going on out there.
Try to sugar-coat it, or anything like that.
>> There's certain things that I've talked to him about,
for many years, but not with a lot of depth.
And so now, I'm feeling like, oh, he's older now, I should,
instead of just saying use a condom, all I should actually make sure he actually knows how
to use a condom, or we should talk about, that the conversation should get deeper.
>> Sex has come up in our conversations before, and it's like she goes ballistic.
And everything I say is wrong, and everything she says is right.
And I don't have a chance to voice my opinions on things.
So that's why it's kind of uncomfortable to talk to her about that issue.
>> If you feel you cannot talk to your child about sex,
it is important they find someone else to talk to them.
>> I'm okay that she talks to another adult, or any adult that she feels comfortable with.
I do want her, when it gets down to the real bottom line of something though,
I really would like if she felt comfortable enough to where if she's in trouble
around a situation where if it has to do with a boy or anything like that,
that she can come to talk to-- you know, that she can talk to me.
>> If she does feel like she's ready to go onto the next step, I don't know,
because quite honestly I don't know what step she's at now.
I don't know, but she's told me she's never kissed a boy, that kind of thing.
But when she does feel like she wants to go further than that, she probably won't,
but I want her to feel comfortable coming and talking to me, or maybe her godmother
or her aunt or something like that, that she's comfortable with.
>> But if I'm curious, and I'm thinking about having sex, I would probably go
to my older sister, because she's turning 21.
>> I really like that you go to your sister, your older sister, I think that's really cool.
She's very responsible, and I like that.
So same thing with the condom.
I'm not going to force it.
We don't have to get together, and you know, kind of do it, but I'm going to have you talk
with your older sister, and you too can get together and practice.
>> Parents play a critically important role in the lives of their youth
as they mature through adolescence.
It's important to be an active participant in their lives.
Knowing about your child's life, and setting guidelines,
will reduce the chance of him getting HIV.
They need you to talk to them.
>> We can never say what our kids will do or won't do.
We hope what they will do is the right thing.
And it's like I say, again, that peer pressure out there, it's so great.
And I tell her you know, God gave you your own brain.
Use it. If you wanted someone else to think for you, he would have given it to someone else.
So that's what I teach my kids, you know?
Use your brain.
Be wise. Learn how to be responsible.
Think wisely.
Think logical.
And know your consequences.
>> Allow them to grow toward independence, but set guidelines.
>> For a while, I was like no Myspace, no Myspace.
But then, you know, I was talking with some friends, and there is really no way
that you could eliminate the Myspace situation because, just because she doesn't use it
on our computer at home, she goes to school, or she goes to the library or she goes to,
you know, some of her friends' houses, and she could just get on the Myspace then.
But I just try to tell her, never post our personal information.
Never post her picture or anything on there.
Never, you know, meet up with anyone or anything like that.
We were just talking this morning, and I was telling her she doesn't have to try to hide,
and like go out with her friends or anything.
I'm perfectly okay with her going out.
Even if she wants to just go out with a boy.
Just one boy.
>> She asks my opinion, because she really values my opinion
on if she wants to talk to a boy.
And I've told her, throughout, as she was a youngster, that she should talk to--
either she should let me know, check out the character of a boy.
If a boy comes to meet your parents, then he's not, he's not about anything really, to me.
>> I can truly say that initially when the topic started coming up, I was not comfortable
with it, because being a mom, period, you don't even want your daughters to even know about sex.
So, for me, it was to take everything in that they said,
and then to go around and seek advice.
From my mother, from other friends, who had either gone through this age stage
with their children, and then just try to take it all in.
And then, to sit back and to think about how would I want
to address the subject with my children?
And if I was a child, how would I want my mother to address the subject?
[ Music ]
>> Be the best parent you can be.
Part of being a responsible parent is talking to your child about abstinence,
decision making, condom use, and HIV.
Educate them.
Protect them.
Take responsibility.
Communicate with them.
Listen. Ask.
Talk, and most importantly, understand.
Protect your child from HIV.
>> I told her I won't kill her.
Because she has a lot to do in this life.
So I'm not going to take breath from her, not like that.
So, you know, anything else?
You know, it's workable.
[ Music ]