WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
EVERYBODY FEELING GOOD?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE.
PEOPLE ARE EXCITED ABOUT JOE BIDEN IS WHAT THEY'RE EXCITED
ABOUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WISH THAT WAS FOR ME.
BIG POLITICAL NEWS TODAY IS THAT AL GORE WENT TO TRUMP TOWER
YESTERDAY TO TALK CLIMATE CHANGE WITH DONALD TRUMP.
YEAH, YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) FIRST HALF OF THE MEETING WAS
CONVINCING TRUMP THAT AL GORE WAS NOT A HOAX INVENTED BY THE
CHINESE.
WHEN GORE EMERGED FROM THE MEETING, I GOTTA SAY HE WAS
PASSIONATELY NONCOMMITTAL.
>> I FOUND IT AN EXTREMELY INTERESTING CONVERSATION AND TO
BE CONTINUED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "EXTREMELY
INTERESTING" AND "TO BE CONTINUED," TWO THINGS THAT HAVE
NEVER BEEN USED TO DESCRIBE AL GORE'S POLITICAL CAREER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: KEITH BREATHING.
KEEP BREATHING.
MEANWHILE, TRUMP'S TWITTER STREAM IS JUST AS POLLUTED AS
EVER.
THIS MORNING HE ISSUED THIS TWEET:
YEAH, JUST CANCEL.
JUST TREAT A $4 BILLION PLANE LIKE A PIZZA FROM GRUB HUB.
CANCEL.
I HOPE BOEING WASN'T CLOSE TO FINISHING IT.
IT'S KIND OF A CUSTOM ORDER.
I GUESS THEY COULD PUT IT ON THE SEATTLE CRAIGSLIST:
"AVAILABLE: BULLETPROOF 747 THAT CAN OUTMANEUVER A HELLFIRE
MISSILE.
$4 BILLION, OR BEST OFFER."
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY."
AND THEN LATER, TRUMP PUT HIS TWEET WHERE HIS MOUTH IS.
>> WE WANT BOEING TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY, BUT NOT THAT MUCH
MONEY.
OKAY?
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: A SENTIMENT THAT IS
CAPTURED ON HIS NEW HAT: "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
NOT THAT GREAT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ NOW, AFTER THE COMMENTS,
"BOEING'S STOCK TOOK AN IMMEDIATE SHARP TURN DOWNWARD."
I DON'T KNOW IF DONALD TRUMP REALIZES THAT FOR THE NEXT FOUR
YEARS, HIS MOST CASUAL OFFHAND COMMENTS COULD SHAKE THE STOCK
MARKET.
HE COULD CAUSE THE NEXT GREAT DEPRESSION WITH A BAD YELP
REVIEW OF TACO BELL.
"GORDITA SUPREME TASTES SO AUTHENTIC, I'M HAVING IT
DEPORTED."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, A LOT OF WORRIED PEOPLE OUT
THERE ARE TRYING TO KEEP TRUMP FROM BEING PRESIDENT, EVEN AT
THIS POINT.
A MEMBER OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE NAMED CHRISTOPHER
SOUPRUN, JUST WROTE AN APSED, "WHY I WILL NOT CAST MY
ELECTORAL VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP.
HE SAID TRUMP IS UNFIT FOR OFFICE AND AS EVIDENCE HE
CITES-- DONALD TRUMP.
THIS MAKES SOUPRUN, CALLED A FAITHLESS ELECTOR, ALSO A
LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT A WIFE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A VOTING
MACHINE.
THIS GUY SUGGESTS THAT INSTEAD OF TRUMP, REPUBLICAN ELECTORS
SHOULD VOTE FOR SOMEONE LIKE GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH OF OHIO.
COME ON!
IT'S A PROTEST VOTE.
YOU CAN PICK ANYONE ON THE PLANET, AND YOU CHOOSE JOHN
KASICH.
THAT'S LIKE A JEANIE GIVING YOU THREE WISHES AND YOU SAYING,
"I'LL TAKE THREE OLD NAVY GIFTCARDS."
THEY'RE GREAT BY THE WAY.
OBVIOUSLY, ONE OF YOUR WISHES WOULD BE FOR AN OLD NAVY
GIFTCARD.
SPEAKING OF GIFT CARDS, DO YOU GUYS USE AMAZON?
OF COURSE YOU DO.
WHERE ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO GO AT 4:00 A.M. TO BUY A TENT, A
NOSE HAIR TRIMMER, AND A CLARINET?
THEY SUGGEST THOSE TOGETHER.
HAIR TRIMMER AND CLARINET LOOK ALIKE.
DON'T MIX THOSE UP.
THEY'RE VERY PAINFUL BUT SOUND BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, AMAZON HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IT IS OPENING A LINE OF BRICK-
AND-MORTAR GROCERY STORES CALLED AMAZON GO, WHICH, ACCORDING TO
THEIR WEBSITE, IS A NEW KIND OF STORE WITH NO CHECKOUT REQUIRED.
SIMPLY USE THE AMAZON GO APP TO ENTER THE STORE, TAKE THE
PRODUCTS YOU WANT, AND GO!
I'VE DONE THAT.
IT'S CALLED STEALING.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST TAKE IT AND GO.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
JUST THINK-- NO CHECKOUT MEANS NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU GET STUCK
IN LINE BEHIND SOME OLD PERSON COUNTING CHANGE.
NOW YOU'LL GET STUCK IN LINE BEHIND AN OLD PERSON TRYING TO
INSTALL AN APP ON THEIR SMARTPHONE.
ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK, AMAZON.
I JUST HOPE NOBODY COMES UP WITH A WAY TO BUY STUFF ON THE
INTERNET, OR THESE STORES ARE GOING TO GET CRUSHED.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.