WELCOME "THE LATE SHOW"."
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" EVERYBODY.
THAT RESPONSE IS LIKE AN OASIS IN THE DESERT AT THE END OF A
TOUGH WEEK.
IT'S FRIDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
IT HAS BEEN A HUM DINGER OF A WEEK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT MY DINGER IS STILL HUMMING.
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY GIVE IT A WHACK THERE.
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, IT MEANS YOU HAVE GOOD RECEPTION IN
YOUR FALLOUT SHELTER.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THAT
TONIGHT'S SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MY NEW SPONSOR, SHEEP AND
ROCKS.
EVERYTHING YOU'LL NEED IN THE AFTERSCAPE.
ROCKS CAN BE FLAKED INTO SIMPLE TOOLS, AND USED TO SHEER THE
SHEEP, GET MEAT FROM THEIR BONES, WHICH THEN CAN BE TURNED
INTO EVEN MORE COMPLEX TOOLS TO BE TRADED FOR POTABLE WATER, AND
WOMEN.
HERE'S THE THING-- I'M A LITTLE DOWN.
I'M A LITTLE DOWN ABOUT THE STATE OF THE WORLD.
IF YOU'RE DOWN ABOUT THE STATE OF WORLD, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT WHEN THE PRESIDENT-- HE SPENDS A
LOT OF TIME DOWN ON THE FROWNY FARM-- BUT HE RECEIVES A A
FOLDER FULL OF POSITIVE NEWS ABOUT HIMSELF TWICE A DAY.
POSITIVE NEWS TWICE A DAY?
MAN, HE SHOULD REALLY SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF US.
THE FOLDER IS A 20- TO 25-PAGE PACKET OF PRAISE-FILLED NEWS
STORIES, DELIVERED AROUND 9:30 A.M., ALONG WITH A
FOLLOW-UP AROUND 4:30 P.M.
SO, ONCE AT BREAKFAST, ONCE AGAIN AFTER LUNCH, AND IF HE'S
STILL CRANKY AT BEDTIME, THEY PUT UP HIS MOBILE OF BREITBART
STORIES.
IT'S JUST BLACK AND WHITE BECAUSE RODS AND CONES.
OF COURSE, TRUMP IS A HARD MAN TO PLEASE, WHICH IS WHY THE ONLY
FEEDBACK HIS STAFF HAS GOTTEN ON THESE FOLDERS IS, "IT NEEDS TO
BE MORE (BLEEP) POSITIVE."
( LAUGHTER ) MORE POSITIVE?
IF HE LOVES HIMSELF ANY MORE, HE'LL GO BLIND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT EVEN FOLKS IN THE WHITE HOUSE KNOW THIS IS WEIRD.
THIS IS STRANGE.
BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, SOME OF THEM CALL THE FOLDER "THE
PROPAGANDA DOCUMENT."
NOW, HOLD THE PHONE, CHUCK.
PROPAGANDA IS SUPPOSED TO BRAINWASH THE CITIZENS INTO
LOVING THE LEADER, NOT BRAINWASH THE LEADER INTO LOVING HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) OTHERWISE, THOSE CHINESE POSTERS
WOULD HAVE SAID, "CHAIRMAN, YOU'RE DOING A-MAO-ZING!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WORDS TO THAT EFFECT.
TRANSLATE-- DIFFERENT TRANSLATIONS.
THE PRESIDENT APPARENTLY LIKES TO SEE ADMIRING TWEETS,
SCREENSHOTS OF POSITIVE CABLE NEWS CHYRONS-- THOSE LOWER-THIRD
HEADLINES ON THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN-- AND SOMETIMES JUST
PICTURES OF TRUMP ON TV LOOKING POWERFUL.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH OF THAT OUT THERE.
SO OUR IN-HOUSE NEWS TEAM, "REAL NEWS TONIGHT," IS READY TO HELP.
>> WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHT.
I'M JILL NEWS LADY.
>> AND I'M JIM ANCHORTON.
>> TONIGHT WE DEBUT OUR NEWEST SEGMENT, THE DONALD TRUMP SMILE
FILE.
>> THAT SOUNDS FUN, JILL.
WHAT'S IN THE FILE TODAY.
>> FOR STARTERS THESE TOTALLY TRUE LOWER THIRD GRAPHICS WHICH
WOULD LOOK BEAUTIFUL FRAMED ON THE PRESIDENT'S DESK.
>> NEXT UP IN THE SMILE FILE, THE PRESIDENT LOOKS POWERFUL ON
TV.
HERE HE IS LIFTING A CAR TO SAVE A BABY.
TRUMP LOOKS STRONG.
>> TRUMP IS STRONG.
AND HERE HE IS PUNCHING A HOLE IN THE MOON.
>> NEVER SAW PRESIDENT OBAMA TAKING ON THE MOON.
>> THE MOON KNEW OF HIS WEAKNESS.
>> FINALLY IN THE SMILE FILE, IT'S ZIPPY, THE MONKEY FRIEND
YOUNG DONALD TRUMP USED TO HOLD AS HE FELL ASLEEP.
>> REMEMBER, DONALD.
YOU THOUGHT YOU LOST ZIPPY FOREVER BUT ZIPPY IS BACK AND HE
HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU.
>> I LOVE YOU, DONALD.
YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB AS PROPERTY PLUS, NO ONE ELSE
EXISTS, AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO TRY.
>> TRUE, THAT SCRIPSTER.
NEXT, THE PRESIDENT'S UPCOMING BIOPICK.
STAY TUNED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)