Hey guys welcome back, thanks for joining me again this week if you are new to my channel my name is Stephanie
I'm a life and relationship coach and for this channel
we are talking about everything relationship wise so we're talking about emotional abuse narcissistic abuse how to
Heal and overcome from a painful breakup
Or go if you're going through a divorce
We talked about how to regain our self-confidence after going through that experience and also how to begin dating in a healthy way
So for this week's topic I wanted to talk about something
that's really important in terms of educating ourselves on emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse and that is the
Emotional abusers dance the dance that we kind of do with this person so the back and forth that we do
The hoovering that then happens with uh narcissus, and I'll get into what hoovering is later on in the video
But I think it's really important to understand and learn these kind of patterns
that emotional abusers
Manipulative people narcissistic people will use in relationships because if you're not aware of these things
Then you're just gonna keep falling into these traps
also
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So the reason why I wanted to make a video on this topic was because I know for me personally
I in my opinion. I think it's really important that
We educate ourselves on these things
Regardless if you have been an emotionally abusive
Relationship I do think the younger the better the minute. You know your son or daughter starts dating
I think that they should know about emotional abuse
I think they should know about these types of tactics that people will use because a teenager can use them as well
And it's it's just passed down from generation to generation
so if we're not aware of when people are
Gaslighting us or you know manipulating us or making us feel guilty and we are that
Codependent person and maybe we don't have a lot of self confidence
in ourselves or self-worth
We're going to take on the abuse and so a lot of the reasons why I started this channel was just to educate
People on these things that I know I personally was never taught and I didn't really learn
Until I had to go through you know some painful experiences so the sooner the better
Now with the emotionally abusive cycle the reason why I wanted to discuss
this is because I think it's important to know when you're playing this dance with someone and
And when it's time to kind of throw in the towel on a relationship
So let me go over a couple of things to help you understand this abusive cycle now if you're dealing with a narcissist
A true true narcissist you are a hundred percent going to enter different phases in your relationship and for the most part
Even healthy relationships. We'll go through some of these phases it is normal towards
You know the growth of a relationship the beginning and the middle and then you know as we continue growing in our relationship
With our partner, but the first phase of any relationship of the narcissist is the love-bombing phase
This is the honeymoon phase. This is the
Charming we're meant to be we're soulmates after four weeks. You know what I mean like this is when oh my god
We're so similar. I finally found you. You're amazing
You know you're being put on a pedestal
You know if you're a guy, and you're dealing with a narcissistic woman
She is so sexual with you in the beginning, and she really makes you feel like a man
And she's doing all of these things for you in terms of really taking care of you very very early on in the relationship
Now most relationships will go through a honeymoon phase where you know the sex is amazing and everything is great
And we're not fighting and we're you know we're putting our best foot forward, and we're not really showing our true true selves yet
But with a narcissist this is is
It's very very quick and early in the relationship
And it can last for a good amount of time this love-bombing it
Happens when they're basically trying to groom you so they want you to just fall madly in love with them
right away
And so they're gonna lay it on real thick they're gonna be uber charming really romantic dozen roses being since your work
You know these long long emails and letters about how they finally found you
And you're the one and you know the girl that they're with now she doesn't mean anything
you know I'm gonna end that relationship, and you're the person that I've been looking for and
You know you're the definition of what a man should be and these things are said like I said very early on in a relationship
So healthy people that are dating no
They don't just give themselves away cuz we're learning about each other
So I'm not gonna give everything to you cuz I don't know you so I can't say that you're my soul mate
I can't do all these things for you when I just met you three weeks ago, so I want you to understand the difference between
Love-bombing that honeymoon phase with a narcissist and just a typical
Honeymoon phase that you're going through when you are dating someone that is healthy
They both, are you know nice in the sense that you know everything is amazing?
We're not fighting the sex is great and all these things the difference is with the narcissus
They are putting you on this pedestal, and they don't even know you yet
And if you're insecure and you're fearful of when you're gonna meet someone and you want to have kids
And you know you're you want to get married right away, or if you're just codependent
And you're insecure then you're gonna believe all of that
Whereas a healthy person if they heard someone three weeks in saying that they're their soul mate whoa?
That is a red flag right there
so I just want you to understand the difference in that love-bombing phase so the next phase is the
What I like to call walking on eggshells phase now if you've ever been with a narcissist or an emotional abuser
You know that you get to a certain point where you feel like you're walking on eggshells that nothing you do is right
It's never good enough
You know they always make you feel bad about yourself. It's just this constant
You know I don't want to set this
Person off because they're gonna freak out and then I'm gonna have to deal with it and it's never a comfortable place to be
You just want to be able to be with someone and just be happy and together
But this person can just explode very easily, you know they're emotionally immature
So they don't know how to handle either
Confrontation or dealing with things in a relationship that normal everyday couples are gonna have to go through
So this is when the walking on eggshells starts to happen
And this is also when the devaluing phase kind of starts, so this is when you know they have you you're hooked into this relationship
You are living together. You're getting married
you're engaged like you trust this person now so all the things that you saw in this person in the beginning of the
Relationship they're starting to fade a little bit
They're starting to go you know fewer and fewer so if you guys always went out to dinner on Friday nights
Let's just say and that was just your thing all of a sudden
They don't want to go out to dinner anymore now
They want to go hang out with their friends or now they're gonna start planning you know other things
And they kind of stopped making your relationship the priority when in the beginning it was the ultimate
Priority it was put on a pedestal of how important it was to them this relationship
And now it's beginning to not really feel that way anymore
And so now this is when you know the person will come home at 1:00 2:00 in the morning
And you don't hear from them because it's probably cheating going on this is when gas lighting starts
This is when my manipulation starts
This is when they begin to do certain tactics to kind of isolate you from family and friends
And these are all ploys to get them to you know they but basically what they want to do is they want you?
To feel like that then that
Person is your only source of living your only source of happiness they want you to be so dependent on them that
You'll just keep loving them and keep giving them supply
And if you don't give them good enough supply then they're gonna discard you the devaluing phase is probably the longest
Phase because this is when the real
Abuse happens and in order to the goal of this for them is to complete we
diminish any amount of self-confidence
Self-worth or self-esteem that you have in yourself and that takes time I mean
We're human beings and even the weakest person it's going to take time
for an emotional abuser a narcissist to really get their claws knee-deep in anyone and
it takes like I said it just takes time so this is probably the longest phase of going through the longest phase in a
narcissistically abusive relationship, or even emotionally abusive relationship is this
devaluing phase because this is where the bulk of the abuse actually happens the last phase is the
Discard phase and this is where you know the damage is done
This is where you know if you're the victim if you're in this relationship with an emotional abuser or a narcissist
This is when the anxiety starts for you. This is when the depression starts. This is when the panic attacks start
This is when you just lost interest in a lot of things that used to get you excited in life
You know hobbies that used to have or this is when you maybe had friendships in your life
And you don't have those friends around anymore for various reasons that include the narcissists
This is when you feel like you're miserable that you're not the same person you once were
This is also either when they discard you or when you just get fed up yourself
And you begin to have that self confidence in yourself to say you know what I've had enough, and I'm done with this relationship
So for hoovering I want to go over two different ways that they can Coover
One is if you have been discarded and one and the other is if you have actually ended the relationship
Yourself now most people think that the hoovering that happens in a relationship
basically happens when
You break up with a narcissist and a hoovering attempt is basically just the narcissist way of kind of entering back into your life
So let's say you've had enough
You're fed up you end the relationship and a couple weeks later a month later
You get a text from the narcissist or the emotional abuser. Hey, how are you? Hey? What's going on? Oh, it's Christmas
Oh Merry Christmas just a random text message out of nowhere, and it's basically their way of saying hi
I'm here, and I want to in the window again of communication with you now if you are
This is when they will guilt you this is when they will shame you for maybe ending the relationship
Especially if you're going through a divorce and you have kids
This is when they're gonna make you feel
terrible for the decision that you've made and say you know what about the kids
And we're meant to be and you know we have such a great relationship
And you just didn't work hard enough in this relationship. You didn't give us a chance
You know we're just going through a phase right now and just all of these things will come up
The random text message of you know oh my god
You know my mom's really sick right now, and I just feel so alone and I need someone to lean on that text message happens
This is when you're gonna start seeing maybe likes on Facebook Instagram Twitter
A post that you have pictures that you've been posting of all of a sudden
You know your ex is now liking everything that has to do with you, and it's just their way again
Childish way of saying hi. I'm over here look at me. Give me some attention cuz that's all really hoovering is
It's just a way to get you back into the relationship
So you'll continue to be a source of supply for this person now if you have been discarded from the relationship
so if your narcissist has you know had an affair cheated on you and found another source of supply and then
Completely discarded you out of nowhere then hoovering can also happen as well
And it just happens in a little bit of a different way
so most of the times when we think of hoovering we think of someone you know wants this person back and
Wants to you know get get basically get it get their attention so they'll take them back
so they'll give them more supply because maybe
Their new supply isn't working out for them or maybe they're not really happy with what's out there, and they can't get any supply
Right now so they kind of come back to you and want to abuse you
But if you are the one that was discarded who everyone can happen as well now remember our narcissist wants supply
Supply equals attention, so it doesn't matter the attention it can be positive it can be negative if they're getting positive
Attention from their new supply well they still want more attention. They still want to stir the pot
They still want to cause drama so they're going to Hoover in a different way, which is maybe shoving the new supply in your face
Maybe flaunting it all over social media about how happy they are now they found the one and you know you weren't in and all
Of these different things to basically hurt you like they want that reaction from you
They want to see that they got to you
and
If you don't know any of this kind of stuff
Then you're going to react if you haven't learned how to love yourself. You haven't learned how to parent yourself and mask your emotions
You're going to react you're gonna cause a scene you're gonna get angry
You know you may even
Get into an argument with their new supply and get kind of entangled into all that drama or maybe you want to tell their new
supply you know who this person is and you better watch out for them and all of these things when
Again, it's just their way of getting supply
It's their way of getting negative supply
So the reason for making this video is for you guys to understand how important it is number one to educate yourself
On the different phases of the abusive cycle
And how it just keeps going around and around and around and we've all been in relationships
Probably where you break up you come back?
You know you've had enough, and then you leave and then this person comes back promises the world and nothing ever changed
It's just the same stuff over and over again
Some of it doesn't necessarily mean that you're in a narcissistically abusive relationship
It could just mean that maybe someone is just a little emotionally mature
Maybe not ready furniture commitment or maybe you guys just really aren't right for each other
but you still love each other you know when we're
Teenagers or sometimes even in our twenties, you know you just find someone who's cute
And you just make the relationship work, and how did you get older?
It's that saying that sometimes love just isn't enough you know like there are more things as you get older that are
Important in a relationship than just hey I find you attractive
so the
Reason so the basically the point of this video was to understand
The cycle the abusive cycle that continues to happen and you have to recognize
this you have to recognize when you're being emotionally abused you have to recognize when someone is is a
Narcissist you have to know you know these traits of someone who has MPD you
To know how to love yourself you have to know how to have
Self-confidence and self-worth because if you don't you can educate yourself all day long you can know everything there is to know about narcissism
But when you go out there and dating and you're and you start dating and you're feeling insecure
And you don't know how to love yourself, and you're codependent you're going to attract a narcissist, and it's not gonna be so easy
To see when you meet this person
Because you're coming from that lack place so remember when the hoovering happens if it's happening because you've ended the relationship
And this person wants you back because they don't have anymore supply
And they promise you the world you have to have the self-confidence
To know that this person isn't right for you you have to be able to go no contact
Whether that's block them on you know every single social media outlet or block them from your email block them from your phone
This is going absolutely no contact with this person you have to have the self-worth to say no
I'm not interested you have to you know
I always tell people the relationship that you're really looking for you have to want that
More than you want to deal with any of this nonsense
That's behind you and the longer you allow someone to keep coming back and forth into your life the longer
It's gonna take you to meet the person that you're really trying to meet so work on yourself
Love yourself know that this person just isn't right for you, and that's okay. They're toxic
They're unhealthy they have the whole situation going on in here and right now
We're just gonna work on loving ourselves
So we can get to the place that we really want to be at and if you have been discarded know that
being discarded
While it is a painful thing to have to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone it
Also is something that you should be really proud of and when you can get to this place
That's when you know you've really healed is when someone discards you that means that you weren't a good source of supply
And that's a good thing that means that you actually had way deep down in there
And you had that little bit of self-confidence that self-esteem that self-worth to know while yes
I may have dealt with a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have I didn't deal with all of them
and I had
Standards and I made you accountable
And you didn't want to hold up to any of that and so that's why I was discarded so just know that when you've been
discarded and that narcissus comes around and they're hoovering and they want to get you they want to get that supply and
Attention even though it's negative from you or maybe it isn't even positive
Maybe they want to have their cake and eat it, too
And they want you back
and they're still doing their thing with their new supply or whatever the drama is just know that you're better than that and
That they didn't break you and that everything that that person has put you through has brought you to this place
Where you really love yourself, and you're learning how to take care of yourself in a healthy way
So I hope that that has helped you guys out there
Please like I said share any comments or questions down below. Don't forget to follow me on Facebook and Instagram
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And I will see you guys next time