Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I d outline some of the more common
dynamics that take place in the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her son.
Now, if you like this video, if you find it helpful please click like and please consider
subscribing to my channel, but just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support
from the mental health professional, nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
Now some of the common characteristics of narcissism, these include a sense of entitlement,
being disagreeable, being resistant or sensitive to criticism. There is a need for admiration,
a sense of self importance, and there is a lack of empathy. And there's different kinds
of narcissism which I ve outlined in previous videos. The most common being the grandiose
narcissist or overt. Or the vulnerable narcissist, or covert. But for today I'm just going to
talk about the dynamics between general narcissism, if you will, a narcissistic mother and her
son. Now as outlined in previous videos as well, where there is a narcissistic family
the, the kids are often treated as an extension of the parent. How, how the kids look, how
they behave, their level of success is often seen as a reflection of the parent. And when
the kids get praise for any kind of success, it's normally publicly. Behind closed doors
the child may be ignored, ridiculed, and failures are often punished. But when it comes to that
relationship between a narcissistic mother and her son, I'm not saying this is true in
every single case, but more often than not, the eldest male child is often treated more
like a partner. Now more like a partner than a child. Now, if there is a partner there,
like a Dad there for example, the mother may ridicule may describe him as being lazy, inept,
selfish, telling the son that dad doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything. He doesn't
care about her, he doesn't care about him, doesn't care about the brothers and sisters.
And she may even overshare things, private, intimate things between her and the dad, things
that the kid might not necessarily need to hear. But what happens is the son ends up
in this kind of supportive role of the mother. He takes on the role of problem solver. And
this is what's known as emotional incest or enmeshment, and have made videos about that
previously if you want to check those out. But what normally happens is as that son grows
up, he can be feeling as if he had to grow up too quickly, which more often not he did.
Feeling though, as if he were denied a childhood. Secondly, there is what's known as antagonistic
parenting, can be antagonistic parenting. Now this will involve the mum doing or saying
anything at all that is going to bring up a negative feeling or a negative experience
for the child. Now this can include things like unkind humour, sarcasm. There's maybe
no respect for the son s privacy. And the son is going to have a lot of expectations
placed on him. She will expect him to problem solve, expect him to behave more like an adult
regardless of what age he is. Always expect him to know better and show her disapproval
and her disappointment, even her rage when he inevitably can t. And she may even share
things, personal things about the son with others, with his friends, with his girlfriends
or whatever as he's growing up. Things that she knows are going to embarrass him. And
as a result of this, the son grows up, perhaps being very guarded, internalising a lot of
things. Maybe being afraid to show or tell others what he's thinking or feeling. Fear
of being rejected or fear of that being used at a later date to hurt him. And because the
mother lacks insight into the child s emotional needs, she may well isolate him from others.
She may disapprove of friends, girlfriends and not really want him to go in any clubs
or groups or anything. She may ignore the son completely, having the son, wonder what
it is he's done wrong or be completely over involved in his life, almost like micromanaging
him. And this can vary from day today from situation to situation, usually depends on
either and what it means to the mother, or how she looks to others, or maybe just whatever
mood she's in. Now in his teenage years that same unkind humour and sarcasm it doesn t
end, sometimes it ramps up a gear. She will do and say things to humiliate him in front
of his friends, even a girlfriend that he might bring home and she may even encourage
them to join in with his devaluation. And the son, you know, maybe desperate for attention,
he, he may act out. He may look for attention maybe and maladaptive ways ,you know, creating
drama, things like that, but even when he does get attention, it'll feel very uncomfortable
for him. So he finds himself either pushing people away or withdrawing. Another common
dynamic could be she will stand up for the son. She will defend him. She will defend
him with intensity and vigour if he's maybe accused of something, but only when she is
affected personally. Other times she'll just ignore his discomfort, his distress, and she
may even ridicule and tease him about it, or punish him for it. But she will not give
him what he actually needs. She will not give him care, support, she will not nurture him,
help him work through whatever the problems are. Which again, as that boy grows up, he,
he learns to internalise things, hold onto things, find it difficult to ask for help
for fear of either being ridiculed or humiliated or rejected. And because only certain things
bring about certain reactions from the mother, the son will believe he's never good enough.
All these conditions he has to meet, they re unobtainable. He will never meet them.
He will never please. He will never be fully accepted for who and what he is. And that
boy can sometimes feel as if one small error, one small mistake no matter what it is, that
is going to wipe out, that is going to discredit anything else he's ever done well or succeeded
at. There can also be inconsistent discipline. Because of, again, those ever shifting expectations
and standards. He ends up, if you will, risk assessing situations. So he tries to mitigate
what could be the least worst outcome. And when it comes to discipline as well, sometimes
the mother can be quite manipulative. She will insist the father, demand that the father
discipline the son. When the dad disciplines him then she attacks the dad for being too
harsh. Another common dynamic between the narcissistic mother on her son is what Jung
referred to as the devouring mother . Now this might look like the mother constantly
reminding the son of how good she is to him. How good she is for him, what a good boy he
is and so on. Reminding him about how much she sacrificed for him. I only stay with your
dad because of you. The son has to be eternally grateful or feel guilt or a level of distress
or whatever. You know, he will hear things like I put on weight because I gave birth
to you, I had to give up my career because I had the raise you, I bought you that bike
you wanted for your birthday, aren't I a wonderful mother? Now if this son disobeys or misbehaves
in anyway, that generosity that sacrifice is often used to shame and guilt trip him.
Now an example of that being played out is, it's a friend of mine, he doesn't mind me
sharing this, was whenever he was young he used to like the Power Rangers or whatever
they re called, and there was one time in the town we lived the Power Rangers were supposed
to be appearing at a toy shop. Alright? Okay, granted it's maybe couple of blokes dressed
up in, in groovy outfits, but he wanted to meet his heroes. Now his mother had promised
yes, I'll take you along to meet the Power Rangers. When they got to the shop and the
mother saw the size of the que, the crowd there, she changed her mind and said no, I'm
gonna go shopping instead. Now this this guy is maybe about seven or eight at the time,
he got very upset, he started the cry. All he wanted to do was see his heroes. The mother
went into a rage, screamed at him and shouted the dad to take that ungrateful little so
and so home, which the dad did. Now what he told me was later that day he was sitting
on his bed staring into space in a state of shock over what happened. He felt absolutely
humiliated and crushed when the mum came in, handed him a bit of paper with some names
on it and said, I queued up and got you their autographs aren t I a great Mother? Look at
how good I am look at what I did for you Completely ignoring all the other stuff. And he says
to this day she still reminds him, You remember how good if it was that I went and queued
up to get your heroes autographs? Completely filtering out everything else. And the one
and only time he ever raised that she went into a meltdown. Got really upset and started
crying that she was trying to do her best under difficult circumstances. So what we
see is often a lot of emotional neglect. Now there's no secure attachment for the son.
No secure attachment with a primary caregiver and that often carries on into adult life
with others. And because that's, you know any, any son with a narcissistic mother because
they don't really feel safe to share their feelings, they re never taught to, they re
never taught to articulate how they feel. Everything, everything gets internalised and
because the mother is never going to admit any kind of fault the son learns in that situation
to just accept it. And what can sometimes happens is the son learns to accept that in
other relationships as well. When he's being when he's being teased, when he's being bullied.
If he's feeling hungry for some sense of injustice, he's being treated unfairly. He learns to
say nothing, it just gets internalised. It becomes quite corrosive. Another dynamic takes
places when that son gets a bit older when he starts, maybe bringing home girlfriends,
things like a partner and so on. This can bring up a sense of envy in the mother. Now,
he is her property. The son is her property and he is not to be shared. Now, what can
happen is she, she might set up scenarios where the son has to choose between girlfriend
or the wife, whatever happens to be, and her. Maybe that, maybe the sons girlfriend or wife,
you know, buys him something, buys them a new watch. The mother goes and buys a more
expensive one, one that he has to prefer, one that's a better one. If they re arranging
to go somewhere for a meal, the mother will arrange another venue, you know, at the same
time and, so that he has to choose which one they have to go to. Because what we see with
narcissism is often what s known as all or nothing thinking. It's like a zero sum game.
You know, if you're my friend you there's no room in your life for other friends. If
you like me, you're not allowed to like other people. And this behaviour with the son, towards
the son can be really difficult for him. He can feel unsure, not really learn how to cooperate
or negotiate with others. He may even learn himself this all or nothing thinking. You're
either a friend or an enemy, there's nothing in between. So what we see in adulthood is
someone who lacks the sort of this now they can become maybe passive aggressive. But certainly
not assertive. We may see constantly people pleasing behaviours, fearing rejection or
being abandoned, and so on, fearing the rage of others. However, this is not true in every
single case because sometimes there is enough input from the other parent or other healthy,
nurturing relationships where the son can, especially as he gets older, you know, even
if it's difficult, he can come to terms with that, with the mothers disordered, unhealthy
behaviour. And as he forms healthy loving relationships with others he can accept that
he actually is worthy of love and being respected. He doesn't necessarily have to earn and not
the way he was taught to. He can become more assertive, he can learn how to set boundaries.
Not just with his mother, but with others as well. So that s a brief outline of some
of the common dynamics that take place in the relationship between a narcissistic mother
and her son. Now there s many things I'm sure I haven't mentioned, so please feel free to
use the comment box below if there s anything you'd like to share. I, I do like some of
the interesting conversations that have been starting around these videos. If you like
this video, if you found it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel for future
updates on mental health related topics. And until next time, thanks for watching.