EVIL EMPEROR: Thanks to this video’s sponsor Campfire Blaze I will soon be invincible!
Let’s see how things are going right now.
Maybe I wont feel the need to escape reality today!
Nope.
Back to fantasy land I go.
Time to dust off my d20 and begin preparing to jump back into tabletop gaming in my increasingly
desperate attempts to escape reality.
Terrible Writing Advice already covered how to become a proper Dungeon Master for a tabletop
role playing game, but what about the player characters?
Well TWA has come to their rescue with this handy guide!
So get your character sheets ready and dust off your player’s handbook and lets dive
into writing a character for a tabletop role playing game.
First we should start with what the overall goal is so we don’t lose sight of what’s
important.
For the Dungeon Master, that goal is to find whatever fun is in the game and grind it into
the dirt.
So while for DM, the game is all about forcing the players into the role of the passive audience
for their own greatness, for the player their goal is only to have fun.
However, since we all know that fun is a zero sum game, that means that any fun acquired
at the table must be at the cost of the fun of everyone else.
So how do we get all of the fun for ourselves?
Well we start with our character’s backstory!
When it comes to the player character’s backstory there are only two extremes to choose
from.
Um…
I mean two options.
On one end is the character that has no family, no origin, no connections, no home, and no
backstory.
Now at first glance, this seems counter productive.
Don’t we play tabletop role playing games to role play?
Exactly!
And the role I choose to play is that of a treasure obsessed murder hobo or as they are
sometimes called: generic adventures.
Now a character without a backstory can be useful if the game is mostly focused on combat
scenarios.
But, why confine the murder hobo’s utility to only hack and slash campaigns?
The backstory free murder hobo has no connections to anyone that the Dungeon Master could use
against them.
No sidekicks for the villain to abduct, not adorable children to hold hostage, not even
a favorite tavern to burn down.
This becomes a massive advantage when the murder hobo begins killing off all of the
Dungeon Master’s precious npcs.
The Dungeon Master can’t retaliate by killing off my character's family because he spawned
from nothing save for my endless well of trollish intent.
This even works doubly well when everyone else in the group has solid characters with
engaging backstories and here’s my character who’s just there.
Then when I murder non player characters the rest of the party has grown attached to they
can’t say that its out of character, because my character doesn’t have any character.
If pressed then I’ll just claim that my character’s backstory is “too deep for
you to understand” and that anyone foolish enough to explore my character’s backstory
will get cut on all of the edge I filled it with.
Now I covered the one end of the spectrum about a character that has no backstory, but
on the other end is the character who has all of the backstory.
Rest assured there is nothing a Dungeon Master loves to see more than a 1000 page long document
outlining a character’s backstory and powers.
Edit my backstory down into a few core elements and handful of complimenting plot hooks?
Why would I do that?
My character I’m playing, Mary Sue, is perfect along with her novel length backstory full
of crap that I’m sure the DM will have time to include somewhere.
For you see, my character is an orphan who grew up on the streets with amnesia, but is
really a dispossessed noble who must reclaim their throne from a usurper because it turns
out that my character is a member of an evil race, but my character is actually good and
trying to prove to everyone that not all of the evil race is actually evil, and that they
are also half dragon, half drow, half kitsune, half catgirl, fighter monk wizard rogue barbarian
bard that has two special katanas of destiny and a hat that lets her leap between dimensions.
Oh, and her eyes change color too!
And her hair.
Oh right.
I almost forgot.
She also has a pet Tarasque and starts at epic level.
Is that okay?
Of course it’s okay.
If not then I’m going to pitch a fit and rant about how my creativity is being stifled
by blatant DM railroading and their unreasonable demands that I at least stick to the setting
when creating my character.
Of course we play role playing games to pretend to be someone special.
That means that my character needs to be even more a special snowflake than everyone else.
In fact, the entire game should revolve around me…
I mean my character of course.
Design a character that matches with the game’s tone and provides ample plot hooks as well
as room for character growth?
You see, I’ve done that.
There is still plenty of room for character development because there is still a whole
bunch of powers and abilities I want to take.
And anyone who tells that powers and abilities can’t substitute for characterization has
obviously never seen a super hero movie.
I mean yeah I don’t have a special effects budget that could feed the entire third world,
but I’m sure that will translate perfectly to the tabletop.
My one note joke character will fit in perfectly in this multi session epic with a focus on
high stakes drama and that the character’s only joke won’t wear thin after a single
session.
I could have consulted with the DM and worked out the details of my character with them.
Restrict myself to the medieval fantasy of the setting like everyone else?
But I want to be an adolescent shinobi kappa that was exposed to mutagens.
Just remember when designing a character that the goal isn’t to participate in a fun and
relaxing game with friends.
No.
We need to defeat the Dungeon Master and the other Players in a nonexistent game in one
upsmanship.
When it comes to Dungeon Masters the best way to view them is as an opponent who must
not simply be defeated.
Oh no.
Simple defeat is too good for the DM.
I want to see them crushed, their campaign in flames, their precious story dashed, and
their favorite NPCs slain.
I will accept nothing less than seeing the DM brought to tears in order to satiate my
ego.
So to best facilitate our road to victory over the DM, I have compiled this handy list
of common DM archetypes as well as some of the best tactics and strategies that can be
employed to defeat them.
Remember.
Know your enemy.
The Clueless First Timer.
Oh yes.
An easy foe to defeat.
This poor sap has no idea what they are in for.
Give them no mercy.
Take advantage of their inexperience.
In general, I bully them to get what I want and most are too worried about being one of
those mean railroading DMs so they will almost always give in to demands when pushed rather
than just saying “no”.
While simple to defeat, just make sure to not go easy on them or encourage them, or
even worse, give them useful feedback to help improve their future dungeon mastering skills.
Right before their first session is also a great time to have a big fight with one or
more of the other players and have everyone leave angry before the game even begins.
The Killer DM.
A difficult opponent.
The killer DM measures his success in dead characters, specifically your characters.
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to defeat a Killer DM short of fudging dice rolls when
he’s not looking.
The important thing is that if a Killer DM isn’t your style, then don’t just leave
and find a game that isn’t the Darksouls of tabletop, but to instead stick it out no
matter how miserable it makes everyone.
The Fetishist.
This deviant has an unsavory sexual fetish that for some reason he feels the need to
share with everyone else at the table whether they like it or not.
Spoilers.
They won’t like it.
Now the biggest mistake one can make with a fetishist is just leaving to find someone
who will run a game where everyone isn’t lactating and pregnant with octuplets, even
the male characters.
Unfortunately the world is small enough that we all have to just put up with and tolerate
creepy behavior.
The Storyteller.
This kind of DM is just a joy to defeat because unlike some of the other DM types, this one
is super invested in their campaign.
This makes it especially enjoyable to send their carefully crafted story careening down
in flames.
They also have a habit of railroading, but trains get derailed all the time and a storyteller’s
plot tends to be as fragile as it is complicated.
Now a player could work with the storyteller to create truly interesting and satisfying
character arcs, but then I won’t get to see them break down into tears when I ruin
their precious plots so I can indulge in my petty need for short term self gratification.
The Pinata DM.
There is no need to defeat this DM because they will defeat themselves by showering the
party with more awesome stuff faster than you can say “game-breaking balance issues”.
Since they will never tell me “no” I might as well indulge in all of the free and insanely
overpowered homebrew magic items until the game’s challenge evaporates shortly before
the group’s interest in it does.
The Master Planner.
You have watch this one.
Planners have huge binders full notes and while their railroading can still be derailed,
they tend to have far more backup plans than the Storyteller.
Unfortunately the only ways to defeat a master planner is by war of attrition or by becoming
an even more masterly planner than them.
Never bother to work with them to become part of the plan.
Why be part of the plan when you can be part of the problem!
Open World Sandbox DM.
This DM is far more difficult to defeat than the others because they usually don’t even
have a plot railroad to derail.
They also have this annoying habit of letting the player character’s hang themselves by
simply allowing the natural consequences of their actions play out.
They also tend to be very good at improvisation.
Alas, the only way to defeat them is to not make your own plot, but to just sit there
and do nothing while the DM stews in frustration that they built this big sandbox only for
the players to have no imagination to actually interact with it.
You can give me a railroad plot to derail, but you can’t give me freedom and expect
me to use it!
The Old School.
Ah.
Finally.
A worthy opponent.
He knows the rules inside and out.
His settings have been strengthen through years of homebrewing and honed to a fine edge
with countless campaigns.
Derailed his plot?
That’s fine.
He has contingency plans within contingency plans.
Kill his pet NPC?
That’s fine.
He always wanted to do an arc where your character gets chased by bounty hunters.
Think you’ve bested Killer DMs before?
They don’t hold a candle to the old school DM and his kill count.
He’s killed enough characters over the years to fill the Tomb of Horrors with their discarded
character sheets.
The true apex predator on the tabletop, count yourself lucky to have survived a single session
much less to the end of his campaign.
There’s no trick you can pull, no tactic that you can use, no strategy that you can
implement that the Old School DM hasn’t seen before over his long years experience.
Sometimes the only way to pull one over on the Old School DM is do something so stupid
and amateur that even the Old School will be taken by surprise.
That Guy.
Behold through the haze of Cheeto dust and be amazed at the magnificence of the most
glorious DM to ever grace the tabletop, That Guy.
Did you think that just because That Guy has the equivalent intelligence of intestinal
worms and about the same level of hygiene that this would somehow prevent him from attempting
to DM his very own campaign?
Ohhoho never underestimate the tenacity of That Guy.
Is he as vicious as the Killer DM?
Oh no.
There is no sweet release of death in his game.
Is he as perverse as the Fetishist?
Oh no.
The fetishist at least understands the concept of shame unlike That Guy which is immune to
all forms of self awareness.
His settings are a combination of overused anime tropes and bad Saturday morning cartoons.
His pet NPCs will be showered with constant overpowered gear and the plot will always
revolve around his self insert NPC that renders all of the player characters into passive
observers.
The only creativity he will display is when describing the tavern wench’s jiggle physics.
When faced with someone else displaying creativity That Guy can only act with befuddlement before
pointedly ignoring the accomplishments of others to go back to what he knows best: throwing
in everything he thinks is “cool” into a blender and then thinking that this foul
smelling soup of stale tropes is somehow an unparalleled work of originality rather than
an incoherent mess that even the most self indulgent Isakai writer would consider excessive.
His impulsive need for self gratification outstrips even my own.
The only way a game run by That Guy could be even better is if everyone else at the
table is also That Guy.
Truly this the pinnacle of the tabletop RPG experience and not an excuse to find a new
gaming group AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Now that we know how to defeat our main enemy, the DM, we need to move on to another dangerous
foe.
The other players!
You see, it’s not enough that I ruin the game for the DM, but that I also can use this
cooperative gaming experience and the undivided attention of my fellow players as a captive
audience for my emotional smallness.
Compromise by giving up total freedom to have fun however I want for a net gain in fun for
the entire group?
What nonsense is this?
It’s almost like this is supposed to be a cooperative experience or something?
I want to do whatever I want and everyone else just needs to deal with it!
For example.
What if the rest of the party decides to talk to Professor Plothook because they are genuinely
on board the Dungeon Master’s plot?
Well this is a great time to murder Professor Plothook and derail the whole campaign.
Who cares if it ruins the fun of everyone else?
That’s their problem.
The main point is that I get to have a little thrill as I get to experience a fleeting moment
of power and control over everyone else.
I should continue to just randomly murder NPCs even after the rest of the party gives
me multiple chances to cooperate and roleplay with the other characters.
Then express surprise when the rest of the party labels me an edgelord and finally kills
my character before booting me from the group.
Even if the whole group decides to torment the DM that’s okay as well because the DM
isn’t supposed to have fun too.
That’s ridiculous.
Gods forbid we all just sit down before the game starts and work out what exactly the
focus and expectations of the campaign will be.
Nor should any player get a feel for a new group and their style.
The point isn’t to try to make new friends, but to fill that bottomless void that can
only be satiated with fleeting moments of enjoyment derived from baiting others into
anger or sadness.
But what if you have an unresolved beef with another player?
Resolve this conflict like reasonable adults outside the game?
Agree to set aside differences during the game?
No!
The best place to resolve petty personal grudges is obviously in game in full view of everyone
else and at the cost of the group’s immersion!
There is no audience quite like a captive audience.
See, the main weakness of most other players is that they have this mistaken impulse to
keep the party intact and will try to stop your character from doing stupid, blatantly
suicidal things.
This is the perfect weapon to use against them!
Not only does your character go down in flames, but the mark of a truly good player is one
that manages to take down the rest of the party with him!
That total party kill may technically go to the high level dragon I decided to fight in
spite of the rest of the player’s protests, but in spirit the true credit for the party’s
ultimate defeat goes to me.
And that is what all true players should aspire to!
Well that and stiffing everyone else on the pizza bill.
EVIL EMPEROR: Foolish heroes!
You are too late to stop my evil plan and are now at my mercy!
None will escape and your deaths will be full of anguish!
DARK LORD: Huh.
So that’s what this looks like from the other side.
EVIL EMPEROR: Sorry!
Sorry.
Old habit.
I’m so use to gloating to the captured heroes that I forgot that most of you lot are villains.
Oh well.
Might as well give you the full treatment with a public execution after my long winded
new age speech.
DARK LORD: You fiend!…
Oh that did not feel right at all.
CULT LEADER: We will stop you!…
You know, Dark Lord, you’re right.
That does feel weird.
EVIL EMPEROR: Ha.
Nothing can stop me now that I have captured the hero… um I mean my fellow villains.
Ugh.
This is so awkward.
You know what!
Screw this.
I’m going to go cash out.
You losers can rot in here while I enjoy my sponsorship money.
And no summoning those weird hand monsters.
Looking at you hooded mccultist dude.
CULT LEADER: For the last time.
That’s not us.
Hand monsters are body horror.
We’re cosmic horror.
It’s all tentacles and misshapen otherness.
Besides, body horror is so 80s.
DARK LORD: You wont get away with this?
Ugh.
I feel like I need to wash out my mouth after saying that.
EVIL EMPEROR: Fools!
I have already won!
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GENERAL: The Federation military will never let the Evil Empire keep all that juicy, juicy
sponsorship money.
Oh.
And um.. something something freedom and democracy.
Besides, even with all of that cash, I doubt the Evil Empire will ever crawl its way out
of its deficit.
EVIL EMPEROR: Oh there is where you are wrong.
For you see, our Imperial Intelligence Agents have discovered the TWA expanded universe
Blaze project and we have found the source.
Those idiots at Megacorp have something that is the origin of these sponsorhips.
We merely have to go seize it.
DARK LORD: Did you just explain your evil plan to us?
That’s stupid!
If we escape we can totally put a stop to your evil plan now and… oh no.
Oh no!
I do this all the time don’t I?
So that’s how I keep loosing!
EVIL EMPEROR: Ugh.
Thanks Dark Lord.
You just made it weird.
Whatever.
Going to sell out now!
Later losers.
LA RESISTANCE: Hey!
Any of you interested in joining La Resistance?
We’re recruiting right now.