Still?
Here we go.
Eddie, come on.
K, here we go.
“If you could’ve talked back to Najme and Seema when you were a kid, what would you have said?”
This is from Sneha.
Sneha here?
You already– you wrote about talking back to your parents already?
I feel like this is a trap.
I don’t wanna answer that question.
Are you here with your parents?
Are these your parents?
Who’s this next to you?
That’s your dad, oh.
You’re like, “I wouldn’t ask that question.”
I still don’t feel comfortable answering that, I’m 34-years-old I’m like, I don’t wanna–
Did he email you? I don’t know.
“If you were on MTV’s Super Sweet 16, what would your party be like?”
This is from Ahad.
Is Ahad here?
How old are you, man? You’re grown.
How old– you’re like 30-years-old, right?
You’re 27.
Why was that the first thing that came up?
Like how’d that come to mind for you?
Let’s go back to the real event.
“I know you’re married and all, but let’s talk about the real biggest event of your life,
your sweet sixteen.”
You know what’s crazy?
My 16th birthday was– I’m born September 23rd.
So my 16th birthday was two weeks after 9/11.
Yeah, so I can’t just like– I couldn’t have gone up to my friends and being like, “Guys, there’s a celebration.”
“Please come to my house to celebrate.”
Not a good look, yeah.
Everyone at school would be like, “What– what are we celebrating?”
I would’ve had to make it like the most American party ever.
Be like, “No, no guys, we gotta come. There’s like a Toby Keith concert.
Reba is performing.”
Everybody gets apple pies.
Just like, “Here’s a goodie bag, there’s a bald eagle tattoo in it.”
You know what’s wild?
Did you guys have to do this too, like–
Right after 9/11 we just got a huge flag.
We went to Home Depot and my dad got a big ass flag.
Like super obvious flag.
It was way too big.
Way too big.
“Do you think Mars was the OG Earth and people fucked up so they had to send Adam and Eve here?
Maybe that’s why they found water in Mars.”
Okay, this is from Swas.
Are you okay?
You’ve legitimately thought about that?
You heard about water on Mars and you were like, “Oh maybe that was like...
the beta version of Earth.”
Right.
Way back when?
And God was like, “This isn’t gonna work out. Let’s go to Earth?”
This is a crazy mashup of like, hardcore science and hardcore Christianity. That’s–
What an interesting combination.
So what do you think?
Do you believe that?
Then why were you asking me about it?
You’re like, “I wanted to see if you’re an Evangelical Christian.”
“If you were king of America for a day–”
I feel like a four-year-old wrote this, “If you were the king of America for one day
name three changes you would make to the Constitution.”
This is from Alex.
Is Alex here?
I was hoping you’d just be like a little kid in a diaper.
“If you were the king of the entire country–” you mean President, right?
Or did you mean that like, “Ah, we got autocrats–”
Really?
Well, okay the changes I’d have to make in the Constitution.
I already know my three.
So change number one is that I would add a new amendment, basically Facebook is illegal.
And everybody you went to high school and college with,
just automatically, their birthdays get added to your Google calendar.
’Cause that’s what we have Facebook for.
Just cut Facebook and fake news out of the whole equation and just get an iCal update.
Right? You’d vote–
Yeah!
The way you went like– you were like...
Yeah!
I live for that.
He was like, “Yeah!”
Would you vote for me based on that?
Can I give you change number two?
Man, I’m here to please you.
If you get stuck in traffic on the way to work,
that day is officially off for you.
You get the day off!
Uncle, what do you think about that?
Uncle, what do you think?
You’re stuck in traffic, you get the day off.
That’s a variable you can’t control.
There you go.
Okay, you can’t start celebrating Christmas until you celebrate Thanksgiving.
You have to respect the seasons.
Change number three.
Alright, change number four.
I’m king.
The Monday after the Super Bowl is a holiday.
What are we doing? Why are we half-stepping?
Everybody’s going out on Super Bowl Sunday and we’re just like, “Oh, we’re gonna go into work?”
But if the fourth change doesn’t happen, ’cause I deal with some bullshit through Congress,
the third change will work ’cause everyone will be like, “I was stuck in traffic.”
Done!
I work for you guys.
Alright, “What is something your parents didn’t let you do/participate in that you will officially,
on the record, let your daughter do?”
Damn, I have to do this on the record?
I will let my daughter watch The Simpsons
when she turns 18.
I’m cool, I’m cool.
I’m a chill dad.
Backstory– a lot of our parents didn’t let us watch The Simpsons ’cause the kids talk back to the parents.
Isn’t that crazy? It was a simpler time, it was the ’90s.
Isn’t that wild?
My mom wouldn’t let me watch it because Bart talks bad to the parents.
That was– that was their line.
They were like, “Why can’t you be like everybody else that’s your age and watch porn?”
I’m just kidding, I’m joking, I’m joking, I’m joking.
I’m joking, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
These are jokes, these are jokes, these are jokes.
Alright, “What is your favorite pizza topping?”
Oooh, this is from Deki.
Is Deki here?
What’s yours?
Really?
Mushroom and artichoke?
Gross! Artichoke?
Artichoke’s nasty.
Artichoke and pineapple... my fifth rule as king: No artichoke, no pineapple on pizza.
You like– you like article?
I mean– “article”– You like artichoke?
I just feel like it has a weird texture.
No?
Yeah.
No pineapple on fried rice either?
Damn.
Out with pineapple, period.
Eddie.
This is a serious conversation about pizza.
I would say Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut.
Do you guys remember that?
There was a Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut.
Yeah.
I’m dead serious.
I’m saying this as a dude who once did Pizza Hut commercials.
It’s back, Cheez-It pizza’s back?!
Have you had it?
Is it good?
Really?!
Are you being paid by Pizza Hut?
The way you said it you were like–
You were like, “It’s back! You can order it right now.”
Wait, do that again.
Hang on, hang on, stop laughing, everybody stop laughing.
Alright, here we go.
I’ll go, “I dunno man, I think I would want to try the Cheez-It pizza.”
And go–
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, alright, hang on!
Hang on. Hang on.
Here we go.
Three, two, one.
I dunno, I would try the Cheez-It pizza.
No, do it with the excitement you had.
Do it with the excitement you had.
Can I do it the way you did it? The first time you did it you went like, “It’s back, you can order it right now!”
Then I’ll go, “Right now?”
And go, “Right now!”
Here we go.
Here we go, here we go.
I don’t know, for me, in terms of like, pizza toppings, I’d try the, um,
have you ever heard of the Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut?
Pick it up as soon as I say it.
Alright.
I don’t know, in terms of like, pizza toppings, I’d try the, um, have you heard of the Cheez-It pizza from Pizza Hut?
What?
Are you serious?
Right now?
I’m gonna cover it. I’m gonna cover it.
Alright, “Which of your mistakes would you want the rest of us to learn from?
Also, please make it a good one.
I left work early to be here.”
Oh wow!
This is from Alex Martinez.
Alex, are you here?
Alex, this is all I’m saying.
When you go back to work, just say you were stuck in traffic.
See what your boss says.
Alright, the mistake I would say is no matter what, like this crosses time and space,
never wear double popped collars.
That was a huge mistake I made.
Also, this is just super practical.
If your dentist tells you that you have a cavity, don’t call them a liar.
Just fill that shit up.
I had to get a root canal.
Like, I was like, “Doctor Maron, you’re a liar.”
He was right.
Slate it again?
You want me to do it?
Of course, man.
Why upside down?
Deep Cuts, take one.
You know what this is like?
This is like when you like, you let your son drive.
“You wanna— you wanna hold the steering wheel?”