- Everybody in here looks great.
I would swipe right on the whole room.
I would. (crowd laughs)
But I can't be on the dating apps
because I have like the...
I'd be thinking about the wrong things, you know.
Like I don't wanna know who swiped left,
I don't wanna know who swiped right.
I wanna know who looks at my profile
and just closes the app.
(crowd laughs)
Whose minds do I change with my smile?
Like... (crowd laughs)
I don't belong here.
(crowd laughs)
I don't have kids
because kids always need stuff
like money, you know.
I'm like, I always like,
I never felt like I could afford it.
And I talk to my friends who just had kids,
and they're like, man,
you never really ready for the first kid financially.
You don't know. And it's true.
Like if you're the oldest sibling,
all your baby pictures are
in apartments you don't recognize.
(crowd laughs)
The struggle years.
(crowd laughs)
You like, what Christmas was this?
(crowd laughs)
And your father's like,
oh, that's when we lived in the U-haul.
Yeah, it was tough times.
That's you with your favorite dolly.
You know, you was playing with...
(crowd laughs) You love boxes.
(crowd laughs and claps)
I'm single, but I got a good attitude.
(crowd cheers and applauds)
It's important.
I believe in soulmates. I do.
Yes. - [Audience Member] Whoo!
- Single people, don't give up.
I believe in soulmates.
I believe there was somebody born just for you
and you were born just for somebody.
I believe in soulmates,
but I also believe that person may already be dead.
That's all it is.
(crowd laughs)
It's not you.
Stop working out.
(crowd laughs)
Your soulmate (chuckles) is dead.
That's freeing.
Now you ain't got to worry.
Be yourself on dates.
(crowd laughs)
The point I'm trying to make is fuck on the first day.
Your soulmate's dead,
they ghosted you.
(crowd cheers and applauds)
Fuck now.
Just go to the bathroom,
don't even let me finish my set,
go have sex,
come hard, take a nap.
- [Audience Member] Whoo!
- Now you and your soulmate are both resting in peace.
Like... (crowd laughs)
Like God intended, you know.
(crowd laughs)
Speaking of God,
I lost six family members in the year 2020.
- [Crowd] Oh. - Six, yeah.
Three died and three I don't fuck with no more
because they didn't know how to act.
(crowd laughs)
That's six.
You find out a lot about yourself
and how people view you when you go through a tragedy.
Like I have friends who thought
I was doing better financially than I am,
and that's uncomfortable
because a friend of mine, he was like,
"Clark, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom passing, man.
That sucks."
He's white.
(crowd laughs)
He's like, "That sucks.
And I wanna do something."
He was like, "Clark,
if there was a cause that your mom believed in or supported,
I would love to donate some money to that cause."
And I was like, "Bro,
I'm a cause that my mom believed in and supported.
Give me the money."
White friends, Venmo,
black friends, Cash App.
(crowd laughs and applauds)
Mexican friends, PayPal for some reason,
I don't know why y'all love email addresses.
(crowd laughs)
"Bro, give me your email." I'm like, "No."
He's like, "You gon' miss your blessing."
I'm like, "Damn."
(crowd laughs)
Speaking of the Latinx community,
we got just one last thing to hash out,
black people and brown people, it's...
Can y'all say n***** or not?
- [Crowd] No.
- This black lady... - [Audience Member] No.
- You say no, but we need the numbers.
We need more people on our team, right?
We've been doing it the honest way for too long.
We need some more, you know, some A's.
- [Audience Member] Anybody can say it.
Fuck it. Anybody. Fuck it.
- See? This is...
I'ma get to that.
(crowd laughs)
I'ma get to that.
Listen, I say you can say it,
but here's the thing,
you gotta be a n***** when the police show up too, right?
I'm tired of...
(crowd cheers and applauds)
We all say in future,
then when the police come,
all of a sudden, you don't speak English.
Like, get the fuck outta here.
Like, no say. No say.
Like, no, he say. He say.
He just said it.
Keep saying it with me.
(crowd laughs and applauds)
Just keep on frying for this, Enrique.
(crowd laughs)
It's a full-time job.
I don't give out no passes.
My black... He giving out passes.
I don't have that power, white dudes.
(crowd chuckles)
If he give you a pass, cool.
But you can say n***** when he around.
But when he not around, you gotta be one.
That's the rule. That's my law.
Like- - [Audience Member] Whoo!
- you gotta get denied loans. (crowd laughs)
You gotta get uncomfortable around police.
And you gotta say a black person is right
even when they wrong with other white people around.
(crowd laughs)
And if it's two black people and you ain't sure,
you just be like, I mean,
I ain't got shit to do with that.
You know what I'm saying?
(crowd laughs)
My n*****, that's between y'all.
(crowd laughs)
Yeah, I've been to therapy.
(crowd laughs)
They reel you in with that sliding scale bullshit.
(crowd laughs)
We don't make a commiserate with your income.
I was like, "All right.
How much therapy can I get for $1?"
Just to see.
(crowd laughs)
Dude in the alley smoking a cigarette, giving advice.
(crowd chuckles)
He was like, "All right, Clark. (blows out air)
I'm listening."
(crowd laughs)
I was like, "All right, Fraser.
I wanna be... (crowd laughs)
I wanna be happier."
Gave me some wild advice.
He told me, "Clark, I want you to go see this musical
called "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"."
(crowd laughs)
Any of you guys seen it before?
(crowd cheers) You saw it?
- [Audience Member] Yes.
- I went to see
"Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
and it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
(crowd laughs)
Remember that white dude named Stephen Sondheim?
Stephen Sondheim?
(crowd cheers and applauds)
Stephen Sondheim top five lyricist.
Biggie, Tupac, Jay-Z, Nas, Sondheim.
Watch this. (crowd applauds)
Watch this, black dudes,
who too cool for the reference.
(crowd laughs)
In the musical "Sweeney Todd:
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
character named Mrs. Lovett,
Mrs. Lovett owns a pie shop.
Can't afford real meat.
- [Audience Member] Meat pies.
- Meat pies.
Now, she can't afford real meat,
so she used the animals in the neighborhood.
This is a white woman.
I'm just painting a picture.
(crowd laughs)
In the song "Worst Pies in London",
these are real lyrics written by a white man
named Stephen Sondheim 1978.
(Clark clears throat)
♪ Mrs. Lovett has a pie shop ♪
(crowd laughs)
♪ Does a business, but I notice something weird ♪
♪ Lately, all her neighbors' cats have disappeared ♪
♪ Gotta hand it to her ♪
♪ What a course, enterprise ♪
♪ Poppin' pussies into pies ♪
What?!
Poppin' pussies into pies!
(crowd laughs and applauds)
Written by a white man.
(crowd laughs and applauds)
Stephen Sondheim was writing Cardi B lyrics
before Cardi B was even born!
Top five.
(crowd laughs and applauds)
I was enthralled.
Was taken.
Trying to get some of my black homies
on the South Side, Chicago to go see
"Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street".
(crowd laughs)
For the therapy.
(crowd laughs)
They was like, "Hell fuck no!
We not going to see no "Sweeney Todd", bro.
Can't relate to no London musical."
I'm like, "Bro, what you don't understand,"
you understand this,
""Sweeney Todd" is about a barber with an attitude problem.
(crowd laughs)
because a crooked judge won't let him see his daughter."
- [Audience Member] With a chip on his...
- And I'm like, "Bro, that sound like every barber
we've ever had on the South Side, Chicago.
All of them are mad at a judge
and just wanna see their baby girl.
Like you have to... (crowd cheers and applauds)
You gotta go to therapy, man.
This is gonna change your life, bro."