- Hey everybody, I know we have talked
about being in a relationship with a narcissist,
how to know if our parent is a narcissist
and so much more about narcissism.
But you keep asking me for is to talk about how we can heal
from the abuse we sustained from those relationships.
So that's what we're gonna do today.
We're gonna talk about the five ways you can heal
from narcissistic abuse
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Now back into today's topic, if you didn't know,
being in any type of relationship with a narcissist means
that we could have been gaslit, manipulated,
put down and made to think that any bad thing
that was happening was our fault.
And that's just to name a few of the ways
we could have been harmed.
Obviously, this type
of abuse can leave us wondering, what happened?
Thinking where to blame and possibly struggling
to know who we are.
And it leaves us feeling traumatized.
The best way to move past this and begin to heal is
to go limited or no contact with the narcissist.
I know that that can be hard
and we can feel really bad about doing it,
but remember all the situations where they lied,
manipulated or neglected you and stay the course.
It does get easier with time.
Now regardless of what our relationship was like,
or the amount of abuse we were exposed to,
I want to offer five ways that we can heal
and get our life back
after ending the unhealthy relationship.
Number one, acknowledging that the abuse happened.
When we've been gaslit or manipulated for awhile,
we can start to believe that we made all the abuse up
or that it was our fault that it even happened.
We can even think that we were just exaggerating things
or being too sensitive.
Whatever we were told by her abuser can start
to slowly weigh on us and we can begin
to agree with them and end up internalizing it.
Meaning that we accept it as fact,
or like thinking that it's our own belief
by acknowledging that it was abuse, that we sustained,
we not only shed light on what happened,
but also recognize that how we felt originally was correct.
One way to start acknowledging the abuse
is to journal about our past experiences,
you knew it was coming.
Talk about what happened, what we remember,
what they said to us about it,
and then talk about this in therapy.
Sometimes if we write things out, as we remember,
and then talk to someone and talk them through it,
we can recall certain parts of the situation
that were hurtful, abusive, or even manipulative.
Your therapist can help shine a light on some of that.
But in my experience, even telling someone out loud,
what happened, gives us another perspective.
And while we can second guess if we're remembering it right,
we will start to see that maybe we weren't fully to blame
or it's possible that it didn't happen the way
that they said it did.
This entire process can help us validate our feelings
and experiences and hopefully help us see outside
of the abuse and lies that we were told.
I know it's hard, but keep writing,
thinking and talking about it because remember hurtful
and abusive things only grow stronger
in the dark and secret.
Shedding light on them and speaking about them out loud,
'causes them to lose their power.
It's really hard at first, but trust me,
when I tell you that it is so freeing and healing.
Next, we have to grieve or mourn the loss.
And I know this may sound crazy,
but even abusive relationships are still relationships.
And when they're gone or lost,
we can feel really sad about it.
People assume that just because abuse took place,
we must hate them or be angry.
But often we just feel sad, we miss them,
and maybe we still love them.
Even though we know that it's best that we aren't together
in a relationship and ignoring these feelings,
isn't gonna make us feel any better,
but allowing ourselves to feel the loss
and grieve all that
we had hoped the relationship could be is helpful.
Not to mention that narcissists can love bomb us,
which can make us feel intensely, cared about and loved.
We can get overwhelmed by the amount of attention
and affection they're showing us.
And we can start imagining
just how wonderful of a love story
or friendship this is gonna be.
All of these dreams and beliefs
that we had need to be grieved.
So know that it's okay to miss them,
wish things were different.
And to still love them,
just don't forget why it ended
and that you are better off without them.
And the abuse that they come along with,
we could also maybe need to grieve the loss of
who we were before the abuse happened.
Many of my patients have felt like something was taken
from them when they were abused
and they hate that it's tainted
the way that they look at the world
and relationships in general.
Allow yourself the time to grieve that
recognize what you feel you've lost and consider.
If there are ways that you can get that back.
And if not, process that loss and upset.
I know this part is really hard and we can want to run away
from all that we feel but trust me when I tell you,
it's actually better for us.
If we let the grief come on now
and have our therapist support us through it,
rather than stuffing it down now and having it pop up later,
when we're maybe dealing with something else.
Overall, I just want you to know
that however you feel during this time,
it's okay, this is your recovery process.
And it's okay to feel a whole mix of emotions about it.
The third step is to break past patterns.
And I know, easier said than done.
But in order for us to not get back
into another abusive relationship
or ended up meshed with someone later on,
we're gonna have to break those patterns now.
And the first part of this is to start recognizing
some of the patterns of behavior
that we have in our relationships.
This could be us recognizing our struggle to place
and uphold boundaries with others,
or maybe our constant need for approval.
It can even be our difficulty in admitting
when a relationship isn't good.
And we keep hoping that they'll prove us wrong
and we give them way more chances than they deserve
while we try to figure out these patterns know
that it's okay to need to lean
on our therapist for guidance with this.
It can be hard to know what's healthy or not
when we've been under a narcissist spell for so long.
So let them help you figure out what you're doing
as a result of the past abuse
and guide you towards a healthier
way of having relationships.
It will be uncomfortable at first,
but know that when we've been in an abusive relationship
for a long time,
it's best that we're a little bit uncomfortable.
Doing this takes time,
but it's important and can help keep us out
of another harmful relationship.
And I do believe that it's best to do this work
when we're single and not starting any new relationships,
whether that be friendships or romantic ones,
it allows us to see things more clearly when we're single
and make better decisions early on in those relationships.
My fourth step is to heal from the trauma.
I don't know who needs to hear this,
but narcissistic abuse is a traumatic experience.
When someone we care about hurts us physically, emotionally,
or sexually it is going to take time
and effort to process through what happened
and heal from it.
Finding a mental health professional
to help us put what happened into a timeline
or story as well as help us talk it through
and validate all we felt
and went through is really important right now.
And I know it's hard work and it can feel slow
and be really frustrating at times, but stick with it.
Whether it's adding on EMDR, trauma-focused CBT,
schema therapy, or any other style of trauma therapy,
get in it and keep at it because with proper support,
it can and will get better.
And finally, number five, reclaim yourself.
Being ourselves wasn't allowed for so long
but it can take us some time
to figure out who we are without someone else
calling all the shots.
It's finally okay to do what we want.
Say no to things we are interested in and just be us.
And that can be hard at first.
We may not know who we are or what we want.
Talk this out with your therapist,
try new things and push yourself
to start making small decisions.
Maybe like what or where to eat.
Don't ask anyone else for their input,
make that decision on your own.
And making these small decisions
will help build up our confidence,
make us feel good about what we're doing and slowly
but surely we can begin making bigger decisions
without anyone else's say so.
And before we know it,
we'll have a better idea of what we like
and don't like have experiences to support those beliefs
and start to get to know ourselves
in an honest and loving way.
I know it's hard to break free from any abusive relationship
and narcissistic ones can be particularly difficult,
especially because they try to tell us that we're to blame,
gaslight us so that we don't think
we can trust our own memories or thoughts,
and they never apologize for what they've done.
But give these tips of try,
continue to go limited or no contact with the narcissist.
And trust me when I tell you that your life will get better.
And as always, if you have any other tips
that you wanna share or offer up,
or you think I missed something important,
please let me know in those comments down below.
And I will see you next time, bye.
(upbeat music)