WELCOME BACK WE'RE HERE WITH JERRY SEINFELD.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED DURING THE COMMERCIAL, WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT COSBY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN'T SEPARATE IT, EITHER.
NOW THAT YOU SAID IT AND I THOUGHT ABOUT IT-- AND I HAVEN'T
LISTENED TO ANY OF THAT STUFF.
I REALIZED IT WOULD BOTHER ME, AND I DON'T THINK I COULD.
WHAT ABOUT BILL CLINTON?
YOU CAN LISTEN TO HIM WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT --
>> Stephen: HE WAS NEVER AS FUNNY TO ME.
>> NO, NOT AS FUNNY.
NOT AS FUNNY.
>> Stephen: NOT AS FUNNY.
WELL, OKAY-- >> SHOULD WE SEPARATE IT OR
SHOULDN'T WE SEPARATE THE ART OR THE WORK FROM THE MAN?
>> Stephen: UM, LISTEN, YOU CAN'T TALK SOMEBODY IN TO
THINKING A JOKE IS FUNNY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN /
>> Stephen: IT'S AN EMOTIONAL RESPONSE.
SO IF YOU CAN'T SEPARATE IT, YOU CAN'T SEPARATE IT.
>> BUT SHOULD WE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHOULD WE?
>> SHOULD THE COMEDIC WORK STAND ON ITS OWN SEPARATE FROM THE
CRIMINALITY?
>> Stephen: WELL, HE TOLD A LOT OF PERSONAL STORY ABOUT HIS
LIFE.
HE WASN'T OBSERVING OTHER THINGS HAPPENING.
HE WAS TELLING PERSONAL STORIES--
>> IT'S MADE UP.
IT'S MATERIAL.
COME ON.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S MATERIAL.
>> Stephen: I KNOW, I KNOW THAT, BUT PART OF HIM WAS THE
CHARMING FATHERLY FIGURE, TOO, AND ALL OF THAT IS DESTROYED.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT.
I SEE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THAT THAT ASPECT OF IT IS GONE?
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL CHANGE MY MIND.
I REALLY -- >> Stephen: I REALLY LIKE YOUR
WORK.
PLEASE DON'T REVEAL ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) TELL ME YOU'RE CLEAN.
TELL ME YOU'RE CLEAN, JERRY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, ISN'T THAT FUNNY?
YOU NEVER SEE ANYONE ON TV-- AND WE ALL WATCH ALL THIS ANNOYING
POLITICAL CRAP, AND EVERYONE IS SCREAMING.
YOU NEVER SEE SOMEBODY GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M WRONG.
I'M GOING TO CHANGE MY OPINION."
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> YOU NEVER SEE THAT.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> RIGHT?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THAT IS A VERY INTERESTING COMPLIMENT TO YOURSELF, YOU JUST
MADE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> YES, IT IS.
>> Stephen: "NO ONE EVER DOES WHAT I JUST DID!"
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I SAY THAT ALL DAY LONG TO MYSELF.
>> Stephen: WELL, WHAT ELSE DO YOU SAY TO YOURSELF?
WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU THESE DAYS, JERRY SEINFELD.
>> WHAT IS BOTHERING ME.
>> Stephen: NOTHING HAS TO.
>> GIVE ME AN AREA.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT PHONE CALLS, JERRY /
IF I PICK UP THE PHONE AND SAY HELLO AND THE PERSON CALLING ME
SAYS HELLO, I PUT THE PHONE RIGHT BACK DOWN.
YOU'RE NOT READY.
I'M NOT DOING THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO INTERRUPT
ME.
YOU DIAL MY NUMBER AND ARE SOMEHOW CAUGHT BY SURPRISE THEY
ANSWER GLD MAYBE THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU.
>> I DON'T CARE, DON'T SAY "HELLO."
I SAY "HELLO."
YOU SAY, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"
THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE A PURPOSE?
WHAT IF I'M JUST CALLING OUT OF BLUE.
>> THEN JUST SAY WHAT'S GOING ON.
THE WORD "HELLO" IS ANNOYING ANYWAY.
IT'S FROM A TIME WHEN WE DIDN'T EVEN THINK THE CALL WAS GOING TO
WORK.
IT'S HELLO?
IT'S A QUESTION.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT HELLOOOO!
YOU WERE CALLING DOWN THE LINE.
>> HOW SAD IS THE HARD-LINE PHONE AS A DEVICE, JUST A SAD,
PLASTIC BOX.
PEOPLE MAKE ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT THEY'RE GOING TO USE IT.
"I'M CALLING YOU ON THE HARD LINE!"
"PREPARE TO SPEAK THROUGH THICK WIRES HUNG FROM WOODEN POLES.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE ONE, THOUGH.
WHAT IF THE POWER GOES OUT?
THE HARD LINE STILL WORKS.
>> EH.
I DON'T LIKE TALKING ON THE PHONE.
IT'S-- I DON'T LIKE THE RITUAL-- ONCE YOU CAN TEXT-- WELL, LET'S
TALK ABOUT TEXTING.
OKAY.
>> Stephen: IS THAT BETTER?
>> YES.
BECAUSE IT'S FASTER.
EVEN THOUGH IT'S MAKING PEOPLE MORE PANICKY-- SOMEBODY TEXTED
ME "T.Y." THE OTHER DAY.
YOU EVER GET "T.Y.?" >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> YES.
WHAT ARE WE SAVING?
AMOUNTS OF TIME THAT YOU'RE SAVING TO WATCH A YOUTUBE VIDEO
OF SKATEBOARDERS BOUNCING THEIR NUTS OFF A RAILING.
T.Y.?
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEND ME THAT LINK?
I'D LIKE TO WATCH THAT.
>> BOUNCE YOUR NUTS OFF A RAILING, T.Y.
>> Stephen: THE THING THAT BOTHERS ME ABOUT TEXT SUGGEST
DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S OVER.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE THING ABOUT THE PHONE WE HAVE ESTABLISHED A
RITUAL WHEN YOU GO.
"HELLO, HI, THIS IS STEPHEN, JERRY.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD COME ON THE SHOW."
AND YOU SAY, "YEAH, I'M SEE YOU FRIDAY."
AND YOU SAY OKAY, BYE," CLICK AND IT'S OVER.
WITH TEXTING IT'S THIS VAGUE-- >> YOU CAN SAY YOU GOTTA GO AT
THE END AFTER AN EXCHANGE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF YOU SEE THOSE THREE LITTLE DOTS.
THEN YOU HAVE TO HANG ON AND GO, "HE WANTS TO SAY ONE MORE
THING."
>> THE GHOSTY DOTS ARE CREEPY TO ME.
IT'S, LIKE, EITHER SEND ME THE MESSAGE OR BLANK, BUT DON'T TELL
ME, "SOMETHING'S COMING..."
I DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
>> Stephen: AND THEN NOTHING COMES.
>> YEAH.
IT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOUR PHONE, INSTEAD OF RINGING JUST WENT
RIII... WAS THAT THE PHONE?
DID YOU HEAR THE PHONE?
RING.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES I'LL PUT IN-- SOMEONE WILL GO "NIGHT."
AND YOU GO "NIGHT" BACK.
BUT THAT'S WAY TOO INTIMIDATE.
BECAUSE YOU ONLY SAY "NIGHT" TO YOUR WIFE IN YOUR BED NEXT TO
YOU.
AND NOW I'M TALKING TO SOMEBODY WHO I WORK WITH TALKING ABOUT
SCRIMENTS AND I GO "NIGHT."
>> YOU'RE GOING TO H.R. FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: PROBABLY, PROBABLY.
>> WHAT ABOUT WHEN PEOPLE SAY, "I GOT A CALL THE OTHER DAY OUT
OF THE BLUE."
ALL CALLS ARE OUT OF THE BLUE, OKAY?
THERE'S NO PRECALL.
THERE'S NO-- THERE'S NO PRE-BOARDING.
WE'RE GOING TO BEGIN PRE-BOARDING.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PRE-BOARD.
TELL ME HOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET ON THE PLANE WITHOUT BOARDING
IT?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE JUST GOING TO MAGICALLY
APPEAR IN THE SEAT?
WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED A PLANE?
JUST ASTRO-PROJECT YOURSELF.
( APPLAUSE ) RIGHT?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> I'VE GOT ANOTHER PRE THING.
HEALTH CARE, PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.
I'M NOT A PHILOSOPHER, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THINGS EITHER EXIST
OR DO NOT EXIST.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH...
>> YOU HAVE A PRE-EXIST AGO BEFORE THIS DISEASE EVEN
EXISTED, YOU HAD IT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) I WENT TO THE DOCTOR, I SAID,
"WHAT'S WRONG?" I SAID, NOTHING YET."
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND CALL
ME WHEN IT EXISTS.
OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOUR DOCTOR PRESCRIBES ASPIRIN?
STILL.
YOU GOTTA GET ANOTHER DOCTOR.
>> IT'S AN OLD REFERENCE.
I KNOW.
>> Stephen: IS THAT IN THE SPECIAL?
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU EXISTED BEFORE YOU CAME OUT HERE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THEY KNOW OF?
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: OR I COULD JUST BE THE ONLY ONE WHO EXISTS IN THE
UNIVERSE AND YOU'RE JUST A DREAM THAT I'M HAVING.
>> THAT COULD BE.
WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN A PREHISTORIC TIME.
WHAT DO YOU TELL THEM IN YOU'RE NOT IN HISTORY.
WE'RE HERE NOW.
>> Stephen: WELL, HISTORY IS WHEN YOU WROTE IT DOWN.
>> YEAH, COULD WE BE ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL?
NO, HISTORY CHANNEL STARTS AT HISTORY.
YOU'RE BEFORE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I HAVE I-- I HAVE-- I HAVE KIND OF HARD NEWS
FOR YOU THEN IS THAT YOU'RE MY FIRST GUEST ON FRIDAY, BUT WE'RE
TAPING THIS ON THURSDAY.
>> WHOA!
WHOA!
>> Stephen: THEREFORE, JERRY, WE ARE--
>> HANG ON!
>> Stephen: WE ARE PRETAPING THIS INTERVIEW.
>> OH, MY GOSH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO
BE OKAY?
>> I'M NOT OKAY.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO BE--
( APPLAUSE ) >> THAT WAS BEAUTIFULLY DONE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> BEAUTIFULLY DONE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I WROTE THAT WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.
>> Stephen: "JERRY BEFORE SEINFELD" IS ON NETFLIX RIGHT
NOW.
JERRY SEINFELD, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.