are you an asker or a guesser i saw this story on facebook that perfectly illustrates this crucial
style that no one is talking about but if you did know about it it could be life changing so knowing
the difference could save your relationships so let's start with the story right the husband says
we live in a small two-bedroom apartment in new york city people like to visit here and they don't
generally want to pay for a hotel we understand this however we also don't want people staying
with us who we don't know or we don't like my wife received the following email is there a chance
that i could stay with you and jeff for a portion of that time i'd be using the subway the whole
time and i'd be gone from 10 to 10 probably every day so i'd be out of your way most of the time let
me know if this might be a possibility your choice on the dates thanks for your help i hope this
works out so we can see each other okay first i don't even know this woman i've never even spoken
with her my wife doesn't really like her but she's one of those people who just won't go away
to complicate things further my wife is one of those people who doesn't really like to say no
or to turn away people from her past so i'm sure this woman will be following us wherever we go
further it really annoys me when people just invite themselves over or present the possibility
of you accommodating them this is something i strive never to do if anything i might test the
waters by mentioning i'll be in town and see if an offer comes my way but suggesting that
you should allow me to stay in your apartment with you and your significant other whom i have not met
seems borderline if not downright rude presumptuous definitely now i doubt this will
be the last time this happens so we need a final solution the only thing i've thought of so far are
number one our apartment has a weird key true and we haven't been able to get it duplicated somewhat
true we need our keys true sorry number two keep it vague sorry that isn't going to work for us
seems like a pretty good solution but a it's still pretty awkward to say to someone especially
since i wouldn't put it beyond this woman to inquire further why though why can't i stay and b
it'll be hard to get my wife to say this to her have you had similar experience what would you
do in this sort of situation is getting cornered into an unfortunate situation like this just a
fact of life that i'm refusing to accept okay so this man asks his question to the internet
and among all the answers this person got they could basically be summarized into two categories
this is a perfect example of ask culture versus guest culture so the first group said why can't
you just say no just say no just tell her no you can even use the gentle miss manners approach no
i'm afraid that won't be possible and if she asks you why because it simply isn't possible another
responder said this woman isn't even demanding to stay or assuming she can say she's asking you
need to say no someone else said she's not being rude at the moment she's just asking someone else
said i don't think it's necessarily rude that she asked but it also isn't rude if you say no
and another person said you are allowed to say no without offering an explanation you know
so all of these answers these are ask culture in some families you grow up with the message
it can't hurt to ask but you might get no for an answer that's okay now the messaging to this
couple from the ask culture folks was just be direct if she gets offended that's her issue
don't worry about it in ask culture you're more likely to be clear and straightforward but you're
also more likely to be perceived as presumptuous or rude the woman asking to stay seems to be from
ask culture and the husband and wife both seem to be from guest culture so here's what the other
half of commenters were saying just say that it isn't a good time right now and that you're sorry
or offer some kind of excuse like why not say something like our apartment is not set up to
have guests or tell her you'll be out of town or say sorry it's not possible and if she asks why
say i can't go into it it's too embarrassing it's one of those random life in new york city things
someone else said does she have your phone number has your wife corresponded by email with her
recently because it would be unfortunate if the only way she had to contact you
was an email address that your wife no longer uses hint right their message was like just ghost her
just ignore her right just cut her off and try not to think about it all right and someone else said
this you're not the one who's being rude she is boom right there she's the one who's being rude
for asking this is guest culture so this group of guest culture their advice was to use a subtle
indirect way to tell her no without hurting her feelings they essentially said that it was rude
of this woman to ask so directly and it would be rude of you to answer her directly so find some
roundabout way to gently hint to her that it won't work out and just keep praying that she disappears
so that you don't have to be rude now in guest culture you try to put out feelers because you
don't want to make someone uncomfortable by asking directly you may hint at a request or subtly
suggest something and then only ask directly if you're pretty sure the answer will be yes
in guest culture you rely on shared cultural norms so for example in greece it's rude to leave food
on your plate it signals that you didn't like it but in china it's rude to clear your plate
because it sends the message that there wasn't enough food offered so the subtleties of culture
allow for people to show respect and consideration for each other but this can lead to confusion for
outsiders or people who aren't sure what the cultural norms are now askers may hate this
but the reality is a huge amount of communication is non-verbal and a huge amount of understanding
is cultural like that is the reality of life so for example one time when i was in argentina i
made the mistake of telling someone wow what a beautiful necklace you're wearing
and they interpreted this as me directly asking for them to give me their necklace right like
this is an example of guest culture now my mom is mostly guest culture in my family if someone asks
for something like do you have nutella my mom interprets this as an expectation as an order
as if that person were saying you should run to the store and get some for me this is a request
i'm making my husband is 98 ask culture he wants to be asked directly to do something
he doesn't want me to hope or expect that he just notices so for example if i'm making dinner which
is really like burning dinner and i'm also helping my seven-year-old with her homework and the two
and the four-year-old are crying and fighting over toys and he's kind of sitting at the table like
for me coming from guest culture i assume that he notices i need some help i assume that he
can read into my needs that he takes care of the little ones and it sure is nice if he can guess
that i need this help now when someone can look at a situation and infer or hypothesize or guess
what might be needed they can save others a lot of effort but i've learned not to assume that he
noticed my needs and ignored them which is what my family culture might assume and instead i've
learned that he would just much rather be asked so i've learned to speak his language say something
like hey han will you help the girl share and then set the table so we can eat as soon as possible
and i think it helps for me to be more vocal and clear with him but to my family it looks
like i'm being too bossy or assertive with him okay so which culture is better
some people would say that ask culture is the only correct way to do it the only logical way to do it
now i disagree it's i don't think that there is one way that's right and the other way is wrong
i think it's more about learning how to speak both cultures so let's just talk about the pros
of being from guest culture for a minute guessers are more likely to observe to intuit to tread
carefully i would say they're more sensitive which i don't think is a good or bad trait
it's just a trait and guessers tend to take into consideration others needs now the downsides of
guest culture are pretty clear guessers are not very assertive sometimes they're passive
aggressive they avoid discomfort at the cost of clarity and this can lead to misunderstandings
let's talk about the pros of ask culture askers are more likely to be clear and direct you
probably know with certainty what the other person wants but that doesn't mean that there are less
miscommunications so for example if a boss is an asker and an employee is a guesser the boss asks
can you take on this extra assignment he assumes that she will either say yes if she can or no
if she can't but she hears i expect you to take on this assignment if you want to retain
your status here so she may feel obligated and say yes whether she has the time or not
askers can also come across as rude aggressive or insulting direct questions can feel uncomfortable
for many people they may feel blunt insensitive rude direct and they they inherently put people
on the spot but asking exchanges discomfort for certainty so it really has its benefits too
the problem comes up when you cross cultures when an asker makes a lot of requests from a guesser
or when a guesser needs a raise from an asker in his column for the guardian oliver brickman says
an asker won't think it's rude to request two weeks in your spare room but a guest
culture person will hear it as presumptuous and resent the agony involved in saying no
let me give you another example sarah runs a successful boutique hotel business but during the
pandemic they were struggling to make ends meet someone asked for a discount right in the middle
of the worst of it he said well it doesn't hurt to ask right he's a classic asker and she said yes it
does it does hurt it implies that our services aren't valuable it takes up my time and energy
to explain why no is the answer and it causes emotional angst i can see how a typical asker
would just say that's ridiculous they shouldn't feel that way they shouldn't take it so personally
but it's not like there's only one right way to be in the world even the most die hard askers
must acknowledge that there are some questions that are inappropriate to ask so for example
asking an employee would you like to have sex or asking a neighbor so how much debt do you have
on your credit cards right americans may feel confused in a guest dominant culture like japan
and they might feel confronted aggressively in a die-hard ask culture like russia and would you
agree with me that on average women are more likely to be guessers and men are more likely
to be askers i mean these are just differences it's not like one is good or bad it's just nice
to have language to explain them and understand them and to identify these different approaches
to communication there's a spectrum of different types along this and it's not a dichotomy
you're not either one or the other most people are more likely to ask directly with close friends and
strangers but they're more likely to be guessy with indistinct relationships like dates bosses
co-workers and acquaintances okay so now you know about these two different communication styles
what do you do i would say learn to speak in both languages just become more aware of
others and your own style and just increase your self-awareness and then be intentional
about your use am i choosing to hint or to guess because i don't want to be rude am i putting
others in an uncomfortable situation by being so direct so if you're a boss and you're an asker
maybe take some time to think about your employees and their communication styles are there some who
aren't as direct with you as you'd like instead of trying to change other people consider how
you might better speak their language so instead of saying judy can you take this assignment try
judy i know you're really busy what would you think about taking on this extra assignment
or if you're a boss and a guesser and one of your employees as an asker you might consider how you
could be more direct and straightforward with them in an employee evaluation instead of hinting or
trying to protect their feelings you just say directly what you need from them if you're a
guesser learn how to work with an asker don't take offense gird up your loins and be more assertive
if you're an asker try to slow down be more observant and gentle when working with a guesser
so in general i recommend choosing to be assertive and gentle not avoidant or rigid
try to be sensitive but also clear it's a pretty fine line to walk but at the very least just
knowing about these two communication styles can help you see ways to improve your relationships
i hope this is helpful thank you for watching and take care to be honest i really don't like most of
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