♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND HOURS TRAINING AND COSTUMING THE MOST TOPICAL
QUEBECOIS NEWS ACROBATS, AND BEJEWELED STORY HARLEQUINS
THAT MAKE UP THE FABULOUS, FEAST-FOR-THE-SENSES "CIRQUE DU
SOLEIL" PERFORMANCE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES IT'S NICE TO JUST ROUND UP SOME
AGED-OUT GYMNASTS, SLAP SOME LYCRA BODYSUITS ON THEM, AND
DRIVE THEM AROUND THE COUNTRY FOR THE RAMSHACKLE HOBO CIRCUS
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, PEOPLE LOVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE ROYAL
FAMILY, SO THIS PHOTO HAS GONE VIRAL TODAY OF "PRINCE
WILLIAM PEERING LONGINGLY INTO A LONDON KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN."
APPARENTLY, HE'S BORED OF ENGLAND'S FAST FOOD CHICKEN
CHAIN, "LEFTENANT SAUNDERS' CHESHIRE-BOILED BIRD
TASTIES."
IT'S DIGIT-SNOGGING SATISFACTORY.
OF COURSE, I FEEL KIND OF BAD FOR HIM.
HE SO CLEARLY WANTS TO GO IN, BUT HIS ROYAL STATION PREVENTS
IT.
(AS WILLIAM) "OH, TO BE A LOWLY PLEBEIAN BUT
FOR A DAY, THAT I MIGHT SAVOR THE ELECTRIC GREEN COLESLAW AND
CREST THE SNOWY PEAKS OF A 32-OUNCE MOUNTAIN DEW!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, SPEAKING OF ROYALTY, BRUCE WILLIS HAS
RETURNED AS JOHN MCCLANE IN AN AD FOR "DIE HARD" CAR
BATTERIES.
THE MOST ON-THE-NOSE USE OF A CLASSIC ACTION MOVIE FOR
ADVERTISING SINCE "RAMBO: FIRST BUD," AND "JOHN VICKS VAPORUB."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AIR NEW -- 72 PEOPLE DIED IN THAT
COMMERCIAL.
QUALITY KILLS, THOUGH.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AIR NEW ZEALAND IS OFFERING SOMETHING
THEY CALL A "MYSTERY BREAK," WHERE CUSTOMERS BOOK THEIR
FLIGHTS AND HOTEL WITHOUT LEARNING OF THE ACTUAL
DESTINATION UNTIL TWO DAYS BEFORE DEPARTURE.HO
STILL LESS MYSTERIOUS THAN SPIRIT AIRLINES, WHERE YOU KNOW
YOUR DESTINATION, BUT NOT WHAT BODILY FLUID SOILED THE SEAT
FROM THE LAST CUSTOMER.
THAT JOKE BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
I'M SORRY, HONEY, I -- ANYWAY.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN AN HISTORICAL DEVELOPMENT FOR THE
CATHOLIC CHURCH, "POPE FRANCIS JUST BECAME THE FIRST POPE TO
ENDORSE SAME-SEX CIVIL UNIONS."
THANK YOU, YOUR HOLINESS.
YOU'VE FINALLY LED THE CHURCH INTO THE FUTURE OF 1997!
SPOILER ALERT: ROSS AND RACHEL EVENTUALLY GET TOGETHER.
IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
FRANKIE MADE THE COMMENTS IN A NEW DOCUMENTARY, IN WHICH HE
SAYS "HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE IN A FAMILY.
THEY ARE CHILDREN OF GOD.
YOU CAN'T KICK SOMEONE OUT OF A FAMILY, NOR MAKE THEIR LIFE
MISERABLE FOR THIS.W DOCUMENTARY SAYS "HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE HAVE THE
RIGHT TO BE IN A FAM WHAT WE HAVE TO HAVE IS A CIVIL
UNION LAW; THAT WAY THEY ARE LEGALLY COVERED."
HE'S RIGHT.
THE ONLY WAY GAY PEOPLE SHOULD BE MADE MISERABLE IS THEIR
STRAIGHT FRIENDS DRINKING TOO MUCH AND INSISTING ON TELLING
THEM ABOUT THAT ONE TIME IN COLLEGE.
( LAUGHTER ) TWO TIMES.
NOW, AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, THE POPE REVERSING COURSE ON GAY
CIVIL UNIONS HAS RUFFLED A FEW FEATHERS IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH,
YES, AND SOME OF THE CLERGY WORE FEATHERS.
SUCH AS A DIRECTOR FOR THE NEW YORK ARCHDIOCESE, WHO SAID THAT
THE POPE "HAD MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE."
UM, PERHAPS THE ARCHDIOCESE HAS FORGOTTEN THAT WE CATHOLICS HAVE
THIS LITTLE THING CALLED "PAPAL INFALLIBILITY."
IF YOU'RE NOT INTO THAT, YOU JOINED THE WRONG CLUB.
THAT'S LIKE JOINING THE ROCKETTES AND SAYING "I'LL DO
THIS, BUT I'M NOT INTO SEQUINS OR KICKING.
MIGHT PULL A HAMMY."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO SMELL LIKE SIR ANTHONY
HOPKINS WITH THE NEW "ANTHONY HOPKINS EAU DE PARFUM."
AND WHAT DOES IT SMELL LIKE, SIR ANTHONY?
>> FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI.
( RAPIDLY SUCKING IN AIR ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY MATT BERNINGER.