-I am pumped because this Sunday,
we're celebrating International Women's Day, y'all!
[ Cheers and applause ] Whoo!
Now, don't worry -- you don't have to remember
to go out and get anyone flowers.
You just have to remember to go out and fight
for equal pay for women in the workplace.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
I think it's by the check-out at CVS.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I know there are guys out there thinking,
[ Scoffs ] "International Women's Day?
Why don't we have an International Men's Day?"
[ Laughter ] God bless you, Twitter.
Well, you're in luck because you do.
It's actually on November 19th.
But you wouldn't know that because you're too busy
celebrating it every other day of the year.
[ Cheers and applause ] Mm-hmm.
Also, fun fact --
November 19th is also International Toilet Day.
[ Laughter ] Now, I'm not --
I'm not saying men are toilets, but both holidays
are mostly catered towards a bunch of white Johns.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I feel like not enough people
know about International Women's Day.
I remember I asked one guy if he knew what IWD, is and he said,
"Yeah, can you believe George Bush lied about them
being in Iraq?" [ Laughter ]
What is you talking about?
According to Wikipedia, International Women's Day
is only an official holiday in 26 countries,
and -- wait for it -- the U.S. is not one of them.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] That's right.
Essentially, it's the difference between how I'm treated
on this show and how I'm treated
when I try to get a drink at a bar.
[ Light laughter ] Seriously, what's up, America?
You can't give an official holiday to women,
but you can give one to a murderer named Christopher
who dressed like this?
[ Laughter and applause ] Come on!
Come on! [ Applause ]
Now, the cause I like to focus on most
for International Women's Day is education,
because there are 131 million girls
not being educated around the world.
And based on how long it takes me to calculate a tip
on a check, Canada didn't do a great job, either.
[ Laughter ]
Educating women shouldn't just be a female issue,
because it actually helps everyone.
And that's not my opinion, that is a fact.
[ Cheers ] That's right.
[ Cheers and applause ] One prominent economist
even said, "Investment in the education of girls
may be the highest return investment
available in the developing world."
And even the haters can believe it,
because that quote was said by a man.
Thank you very much. [ Applause ]
Yeah.
In fact, y'all, not teaching girls
is literally costing countries trillions of dollars.
You don't need to understand economics
to know that that's stupid. [ Laughter ]
Which is good because, again,
131 million girls aren't in school!
Wake up! Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]
We got to do something about that.
Now, another important issue to talk about is maternity leave.
Did you know -- this is true, y'all --
the U.S. is the only first world country
that doesn't have guaranteed maternity leave?
Yeah.
A woman can send a human life blasting through her vagina...
[ Laughter ]
...during 30 hours of traumatic labor,
and our government is like, "Wow.
I would've used my vacation days for golf, but you do you."
[ Laughter ] Come on! That's whack!
And, yes, I just -- I need to say this is a fact, again.
There is a wage gap between women and men in the workplace.
It is a complicated issue that's tied up in
what jobs women can get, bias against working mothers,
and straight up just pay discrimination.
It's also inseparable from even more severe
racial and disability pay gaps.
But to fight it, it's important to share your salaries.
So I reached out to all the other female broadcast
late-night hosts... [ Laughter ]
...and there weren't any, so...
[ Laughter ]
Perhaps a bigger problem? [ Laughter and applause ]
That's right. Where you at?
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's lonely out here!
Now, one thing I'm proud of is that I actually employ
a lot of women on this show.
In fact, half of my writers are women!
Yes! [ Cheers and applause ]
Now, I know it sounds really impressive,
but, technically, that's only three people
because our budget is very small, but still good!
Still good! [ Laughter ]
And I'm so grateful to all the women
who fought for our right to vote.
They struggled to benefit future generations, y'all.
It's like how people went to Fyre Fest
so we wouldn't have to. [ Laughter ]
And, you know, the conversation always has to involve men.
Shout-out to the dudes who support women.
Like Terry Crews, who had the bravery
to add his story to the #MeToo movement.
[ Cheers and applause ] Round of applause.
Actor Alan Alda, who's been a feminist
since that word was used as an insult,
and, Channing Tatum, who really supported straight and bi women
with his important work in "Magic Mike."
Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ]
No, but for real, happy International Women's Day.
Women are smart, strong, and capable.
And tonight, my audience is filled
exclusively with those women, y'all!
[ Cheers and applause ]