- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(exciting music)
- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Sue Walton.
- And I'm Sue Dalton.
Aren't we a pair?
- Our top story tonight,
I just had an idea for a hit show.
- Is it just Hot Ones again?
- No, I chat with celebrities and we eat spicy wings.
- Yeah, see that's Hot Ones.
- It is not, it's completely different.
- How so?
- For one thing, I have hair.
- Tell me how it's different. - I have beautiful,
luscious pink locks.
That host is bald.
Also my questions would be rude.
His questions as far as I can tell are polite and engaging.
- That doesn't sound very good.
- People like it when I'm rude to them.
You wait and see, you little bitch.
- I'm not improvising anymore,
I'm just reading the prompter. (laughs)
- (laughs) I'm moving on as well.
(Sue Dalton laughs)
Oh yeah?
You think you're so smart?
What's your TV show about wings?
- My TV show about wings is a plane for hire service
(break counter dings) where people fly
and deliver objects.
The pilot is a bear named Baloo.
You might've thought at first
I was describing the show "Wings,"
but in fact, I'm describing the show "Tailspin."
- Okay, wings can be lots of different things.
Hey genius,
you didn't list 10 hot sauces in your explanation.
- Oh my bad, yeah, here they are
in increasing order of hotness: Frank's Red Hot, Cholula,
Tapatio, Tabasco, Tabasco Chipotle flavor, Sriracha.
(tense music)
Of course you've got
Old Rude Donkey's Flamin' Anus Hot Sauce.
(break counter dings) You've got
(break counter dings) the (laughs)
(break counter dings)
Big Red cinnamon gum, the sauce.
You have Atomic Fire Hemorrhoids,
feel it at the end.
And, of course, you've got Dragon's Breath Apocalypse sauce.
- Those do sound hot.
We'll go now to Lassie Bass,
who's on the scene of a bank heist.
Lassie, what can you tell us?
- Thanks Sue, I'm on the scene of an armed robbery
and what's that?
I'm sorry, our producer in my ear.
Okay, I'm being told I need to go to my kitchen
and get the condiment I own that's in the largest bottle
of my refrigerator.
If you'll, excuse me.
- Fair enough Lassie, we'll come back to you.
In other news, the ice fishing out on Lake Penis
is a favorite of local outdoors men.
Our Lake Penis correspondent, Homer Barris is on the scene.
Homer, are the fish bitin'?
- Sue, just moments ago,
I fell through the thin ice on Lake Penis.
My heart stopped in the freezing water,
and for seven minutes, I died.
The paramedics shocked me back to life,
but while I was dead,
I went to hell.
Hell is real, and I was there.
It's not the fire and brimstone from the Bible.
It looks like a Planet Fitness.
The only open machines were the ellipticals.
When I could get a bench,
it was always next to someone much stronger than me.
Every time,
I picked up a weight
it was just a little too heavy,
so I had to go for a lighter one,
and everybody noticed.
There were trainers walking around
giving me loud pointers on my form.
Since it was a Planet Fitness
the floor of the locker room was always very damp.
And there were a bunch of crumpled up paper towels near
but not in the trashcan.
There were scores upon scores of old men changing
and they had on shirts, but no pants or underwear.
And they were in no rush to fix that.
They were sitting bare assed on the benches
with their long scrotums piled up
like loose ham on the Formica.
- Chilling. Who else was there?
Everyone you'd expect.
Hitler, Stalin,
Goebbels, Rommel,
Himmler.
It's a lot of Nazis.
- Lot of Nazis in hell, for sure, yeah.
- For sure.
Also Stonewall Jackson, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee,
And it's not even my knowledge of heaven and hell,
It's my knowledge of history
that's really holding me up here.
I'll go with Alexander the Great, and,
(tense music)
what's the, what's the dude's name?
(Sue Dalton laughs) (break counter dings)
Fuck it, let's throw Julius Caesar in there, right?
(break counter dings) (Sue Dalton laughing)
Julius Caesar.
- Yeah, sure.
- Homer, I asked you a fucking question.
Are the fish biting?
- God, I love your rude questions, not really.
- I wish they were.
I wish they ate you, and you stayed dead.
Now I'm being told that we have Lassie back with us.
Lassie, any updates on the robbery?
- No updates yet,
but I was handed this box by a passer by.
Okay, let's see what we got here.
Ah, it appears to be a bowl
full of Good & Plenty.
You know, a lot of people don't like Good & Plenty
because they think black licorice tastes
like they're being punished for something.
And the candy coating sheds away like moldy drywall.
Not me though. (laughs)
(break counter dings) I can't get enough.
Actually, I've just had an idea.
I better put
this mayonnaise.
- Hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- All over the Good & Plenty,
and eat it.
Like it's cereal.
- Just like mama made it.
- That seems like a good idea,
and it looks delicious.
- I guess,
I'm gonna do this now?
- I guess you better do it.
You've said that you enjoy this.
You like sugar coating on black licorice
with a gooey, viscous emulsion
of oil and egg and lemon and salt.
- Just want to give a huge thank you
to whoever cast this episode.
Feeling very grateful.
- To our field correspondent, (break counter dings)
I might want to add briefly, to that list of people
who should be in hell.
(Homer and Sue laughing) (break counter dinging)
Down the hatch.
(intriguing music)
- That's my version of Hot Ones.
(mouth crunching)
- You can really hear the crunching,
which is good. (Lassie laughing)
(break counter dings) - Why don't you prove
how much you enjoy it by swishing it around in your mouth.
- Oh, like, (laughs) (break counter dings)
like wine.
Ooh, my pleasure.
I'm so happy right now.
Squish a big bite around.
- We all are, mm, mm, mm.
No. (laughs) (break counter dings)
- I promise we won't cut away
until you have one more big bite and swallow it.
- This takes so long to chew is the thing.
- It's pretty wild that Good & Plenty is the only candy
I can think of that doesn't even try
to describe its flavor in the name.
(Sue and Lassie laughing) (break counter dinging)
It's just references how much of it there is.
- It's as if the taste isn't worth advertising.
but the mayonnaise sure does add something.
(Homer laughs) (break counter dings)
- Oh baby.
- What (laughs) what would you say it adds, Sam?
- Mayonnaise!
- Fantastic.
- Oh my God.
- That'll do it for us at Breaking News.
This week's loser is Michael Trapp.
Terrible work, Trapp
- Well I'm headed to Lake Penis,
emphasis on the headed.