A lot of requests coming through about how to get kids to listen without
yelling. And one of the questions that comes up is...
-Why your kids ignore you? -Shall we get real right up front in this
video? It could be that your words are garbage.
-They don't trust you. That's why they ignore you.
-That could be one of the reasons. Now, it's not because you don't have
something important to say. But for a lot of kids, they learn that they need to pay
more attention to your mood than to your
words. -I used to always wonder "Why are you waiting until i'm just like
steam coming out of my ears before you listen?"
And so, then i'd even try well maybe I get mad faster and they'll listen faster.
-But actually that's not bad reasoning, Vicki. -It's just not great, effective
parenting. -Well, you still don't want to be losing
your cool and you don't want to wait until there's steam coming out of your
ears before your kids actually pay attention to you.
So, really what we want to do is turn our words from garbage into gold.
-Okay. So, our problem is they can't necessarily trust us. So, what do we do to
change our words from garbage to gold? -I already said that they'll cue into
your mood the mood or your emotion more than
your words. And so, one of the strategies here is to disconnect
the emotion from the discipline. So, they don't have that emotion to latch onto.
They're going to, without that emotion, the only thing left is...
-Pay attention to your words. And no idle threats.
Sometimes in anger we say things that we don't really mean,
okay? And it can range from blatant felonies
to just something that we know we're not going to follow through on.
And so, no idle threats. This is going to take a little bit of practice. But as you
get better at some of the strategies and the discipline techniques
that you can learn through the channel here, then you'll be
more confident and you won't be popping off with the
idle threats all the time. Before we move on to the next reason why
your kids might be ignoring you, disconnecting the emotion from the
discipline means that we're going to make the discipline
all business. -Right. -it doesn't have any effect on me emotionally.
At least this is what we're shooting for. I know we're talking about ideals here.
But we want the discipline to be very business-like. And like Vicki, you pointed
out this puts the focus back on your words.
And they start to listen more carefully because it matters now.
-Another reason your child might not be listening to you,
because they don't really have a good reason to listen to you.
-And you do. -You have an agenda. -Yes. You know what? -I've asked parents this in
our groups. I ask parents why should your kids listen to you>
And they give me some pretty good reasons. I mean you've got good reasons,
right? Why your kids should listen to you. But
the point is, they --your kids... -They need a good reason.
-They don't have a good reason to listen to you. So, turn off the parent brain for
just a minute. Try to think like your kid and ask the
question again. Why should they listen to me? This is
going to cause you to really get clear about what consequences
you are using. -Which might be the reason why they would
listen to you. Now, this depends on their stage of moral
development. We've talked in other videos and in our
coaching groups about the 3 stages. At stage 1, it's very
selfish and self-centered. And they are not going to be thinking in
the same way that you are. Because you're on stage 3, you're this
matured parent. Right? You do the right things for the right
reasons. Well your kids aren't there yet. And so, if
their level of moral development has them doing things because either there's
something in it for me or i'm gonna get clobbered if i don't
well those are 2 pretty good reasons to listen, aren't they
for a stage one person? That's the point. So, find a way
for them to have a good reason to listen to you.
And Vicki, like you pointed out. A lot of this has to do with
getting good at implementing those consequences and having some consistency.
-Now, that's talking with a child more on stage 1, sometimes stage 2,
right? One of the things we've talked a lot
about is your example as a parent. And so, I think of being consistent about
the example you're sharing them is another
reason. Can i share a little parable i was listening to again this morning?
It was about a woman who was so concerned about her son eating way too
much candy. And he wouldn't listen to her. He wouldn't stop. He was just ignoring
her, right? So, she took him to this
community's wise sage and said, "Tell my son not to eat so much
candy." And he said, "Come back in 2 weeks." The
mom was kind of frustrated. She was like, "Why?
Why?" So, they go home come back in 2 weeks and the man said,
"Don't eat so much candy. It's not good for you." And the boy said, "Okay."
Mom said, "Why didn't you just tell him that 2 weeks ago?" He said, "Because 2
weeks ago, i was still eating too much candy." [Laughs] You
know... And so, we got to walk the walk we're asking our kids.
You know, we got to set an example of somebody to respect as well.
-Exactly. Obviously from our conversation already,
you can see that your child's stage of moral development might be one of the
reasons why they're not listening to you. And it has nothing to do with
the way you're presenting it or how important your words are. Whether
they're garbage or gold. It may simply have to do with their
maturity. -Right. -Picture this for a minute, okay? You got a
two-month-old infant and they're not listening to you.
-It's laughable because we don't really expect them to.
-Infants don't. It's not consistent with their
development. Now, if you've got a 13 year old, you would expect
that your 13 year old is going to listen. -But remember, we've talked so many
times it's about stage, not age. -Right. -And so, a 13 year old can be at
stage 1. If this confuses you at all, just
remember go back to some of our other resources where we talk about
all the stages of moral development. -In fact, start with teaching kids
responsibility. That particular video will outline those 3 stages. It'll
make a whole lot more sense to you. But that might be why they're not listening.
-But the fact that if you can get your mind set, "Oh, yeah.
Okay, they're not listening because they're on stage one." That gives you a
chance and more power to then change maybe some of the ways you're
approaching, some of your expectations and your consequences so that you can
set them up for success at listening to you and not ignoring you.
-You have to adjust as a parent because you don't get to decide what stage
your kids are on. And if they're on stage one, it's not bad. It's not that
they're broken somehow. Simply that they're on that stage of development.
And that means you as a parent get to change your approach.
-You get to meet them on the stage they're at. If you don't, you're going to
feel frustrated. And they're going to be bouncing off the
walls as well. So, that's really important, that's really crucial.
The other reason that kids might not be listening
or paying attention to what you say is that you don't have any authority.
-But i'm the parent. -Oh, like that's going to give it to you?
You think? I know. You've got... It's just like "Why should they listen to
you?" You've got tons of reasons. -Right. -As a parent, you have
legal moral authority with your child. But do you really have
authority? And i mean the kind of authority that they
feel and respond to? -Right. -Having authority requires
2 elements. We'll just simplify it to that, okay?
You have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. Why is that even
important, Vicki? -Boy, I see it in the development of
children all of the time that if there's not a really clear limit
set that is appropriate and reinforced,
there's this little internal part of them that knows that they
can't run their whole world and it causes them kind of discord
even though... -They're not safe. -They're not safe and they know it
internally. You know, we had a teenager once say,
"Dad, just give me some leash." He wanted more
limits lifted but i know that inside he was kind of
craving. I can't really control myself, I need your help.
-Yes. -And of course as a father, I heard that as "Hmm,
leash? Great idea."
We've got to be able to set and enforce those limits. -Right.
-If you set a limit that you can't possibly enforce,
you don't reinforce your authority that way. You have to be able to
enforce that limit as well. Now, let's go to the other component.
You have to be seen as a provider of good times
and good things. You're already a provider of all kinds of good things for
your child. And that's important to your authority. I
know a lot of parents who focus so much on the discipline and they
don't pay attention to "Let's have some fun together." You got to
be a provider of good times and good things as well.
Those 2 things coming together is what gives you the authority.
I hope these tools are helpful to you. There's a lot of
other resources available right here on the channel through the Parenting Power-
Up, through our positive parenting coaching
groups. There's all kinds of fun stuff that we're doing on your behalf. So
please connect to that. Talk to one of our coaches soon because
they'll be able to help you identify what's the best fit for you.
drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.